quizzical pussy

Saturday, June 4th is Buy A Sex Toy Day! It’s so exciting you could just gag, isn’t it?

The idea behind BAST is simple. Imagine a world where no one’s ashamed of buying sex toys. Where you only hide them because you don’t want other people to steal them. Imagine feeling free to compare favorites with your friends and safely share with your partners without worrying about threatening them.

Imagine thinking of sex toys as a healthy, normal part of life, and using them is no more pathetic or deviant than using a toothbrush. It’s just more fun.

That’s the kind of world I’d like to live in. That’s why I started BAST day. Because if you buy a sex toy and you brag about it, on the internet or elsewhere, you will almost certainly make at least one person think, “Well, if normal people are doing it, maybe I’ve got the wrong idea about sex toys…”

And from that moment, with that epiphany, that person has a chance to be a little happier. Orgasms have that much power.

So if you’re with me, blog this, tweet this, social network the fuck out it, whatever you kids are doing. And treat yourself to something special this weekend. You deserve it.

Then don’t forget to brag about it.

(image source)

I’m sick and tired today, yet again, so without much jaunty preamble… ConTuesday! ConTuesday will cheer me up.

My very first dildo is supposed to get here today. I’m so excited!

Years ago I met a young mother with a daughter named Dylan. I’m not sure if she realized how odd it sounded when she called her little girl “Dyldo” (sounded exactly like you fear/hope it did), but I have to wonder how she could not. I am not making this up.

Anyway, hope you had fun!

School was sooo boring today that I spent the whole class fantasising about the guy next to me. First I wondered if it was ok just to turn to him and ask if he wanted to leave the lecture to fuck. Then I thought about not leaving the class to fuck. I thought about asking if could suck him off under the desk. Then I got lost in the multitude of dirty naked things I’d like to to with him. Next thing I knew, lecture was over, I hadn’t written a word, and he was turning to me to ask about the assignment! I somehow managed to reply that it was due friday, rather than telling him I wanted to tie him up and ride his face. I’ll have to make the effort to work on that assignment with him to see where it goes…

This sort of thing has definitely happened to me before, but I think I always recover well.

How many people out there think that it’s wrong to have sexual fantasies about unsuspecting acquaintances and friends? I don’t, obviously. I don’t really believe in thought crimes in general, but I’ve known plenty of people who will not do it.

I have comically large balls, but less than one quarter of the normal testosterone level. While folks may not be sure there’s a god, it’s hard to argue that whatever’s out there, it has a fucked up sense of humor.

There has to be a God. The world is too fucked up to be an accident.

I’m in a cynical mood today (see: sick and tired).

I have no sensation in my areolas. Never had any form of surgery or injury on my breasts, they just have always been completely numb. I’ve never told anyone about it. For some reason it makes me feel ashamed that I can’t get any form of pleasure from that part of my body.

I’ve noticed that roughly half the guys I’m played with (admittedly not an impressive sample size) get no particular pleasure from nipple stimulation. I’m sure many women don’t get much out of people touching their areolas (though my personal experience indicates they’re probably fewer). Please don’t be ashamed that you might not respond to the touches partners might first expect to give you. Part of the fun of having sex with you is learning and doing what turns you on.

Please send me an interesting sex secret in this, my time of need.

I once had an orgasm from someone touching my hand the right way. They don’t tell you about that sort of thing in those books full of sex tips because it’s not a normal sort of thing to expect from life. However, I was there and it happened. Confirmed: I’m, like, Sunday morning easy to get off. Nevertheless, I may be becoming a bit of a toy snob. And the more toys I try, the less and less I’m willing to fuck around with the ones that don’t do it for me. Why am I wasting my time, I think, when I could be finding someone to touch my hand?

So when I end up saying “meh” about a sex toy, it’s not because it didn’t bring me to orgasm. Let’s face it, it probably did. However, I’m reasonably sure I could get off by slapping my vulva with a wooden spoon.

Hrm. Brb. Yup.

For me to like a toy, though, it has to live up to my increasingly picky standards. And right now that means I have to at least want to use it again, ever.

Having said that, my opinion on Vibratex’s elastomer Rabbit Pearl? A resounding “meh”. Actually, I can go one further: I was actively disappointed.

I am far from anti concerning rabbit-style vibes. Didn’t I enjoy my Jackrabbit until it squealed uncle and then disintegrated from overuse? But the Pearl seemed like a huge step backward in power and detail. Maybe there’s a good reason for that: it is “the original” after all.

The Rabbit Pearl is famous, bitch. This you must realize. The packaging wants you to understand that it was “Featured in HBO’s Sex and the City”, and that this was the first dual action rabbit-style vibrator on the market. This might be a case of mistaken identity, though, because Babeland is telling me that the actual T.V. star toy is the Vibratex Rabbit Habit, but yeah. I don’t really care about all that. I just want to get off, and none of those Sex and the City chicks is really my type, so I’m not concerned with what they put in their pussies.

The Pearl is made of elastomer, a phthalate-free, latex-free, material that’s safe with silicone or water-based lubes. It’s soft and rubbery. The eponymous pearls are plastic beads that create textural interest as they move around the rotating shaft of the dildo portion of the toy.

Oh, and funny story: This thing takes three C batteries to actually work. If you go out and buy AA batteries it will not magically take them based on your good intentions and desire to get off now. This is, admittedly, not a shortcoming of the toy.

The Rabbit Pearl’s control system is different from the rabbit vibes I’m used to. Instead of buttons on the base of the toy, there’s a separate (also dildo-shaped, so don’t get confused) control console connected by wires to the shaft. The controls are simple:  there are two dimmers the console, one to control each type of action: shaft and vibrator. The separate console makes it a little more versatile and accessible for partner play, but considerably less one-handed. I found it difficult to click and close smut-infested tabs while changing the intensity of my Pearl.

This toy, like all rabbit-style vibes, boasts an insertable shaft that rotates (with the beads adding interest), and an attached rabbit-skinned bullet vibe. The latter’s ears, soft and floppy, are meant to flicker over the clitoris. The vibrations get reasonably intense at their height, and are never disruptively loud; the rotation is basically always quiet and uninspiring. The shaft/bullet one-two punch has made many, many women happy over the years. Me, I find that when the shaft is inserted the rabbit ears don’t line up quite right with my clit. This makes the whole dual-action thing more like pick-one-action for me, at least. Do I have odd pussy-to-clit proportions? Possibly.

But honestly, I suspect even someone with a perfect Fibonacci’s vulva could do better. I’ve had better vibrators; I’ve had better dildos. I suspect there are better combos. Overall, I wouldn’t bother with The Rabbit Pearl with all the other amazing toys that exist in the world.

Thanks, Babeland!

You guys! It’s only one month until Buy A Sex Toy day! June 4th approaches.

BAST is a high holy day, full of excuses to buy sex toys and then brag about them on the internet. So, if you want to participate, start thinking about what you want to get.

But hey, if you’re getting this thing, whatever in the world it is?

…Maybe this you don’t have to brag about, per se. Maybe you just keep this purchase to yourself.

(image source)

I’m at the point where I get kind of surprised when I learn that a woman doesn’t own a sex toy. I don’t call that jaded, though, I call it optimistic. I wish I could say the same for men, but far fewer guys of my acquaintance have (or admit to having) toys, so it rather pleasantly surprises me when a man tells me he has one.

I realize sex toys aren’t for everyone. They’re just so fun, though! Tech nerds like to compare their gadgets, I like to talk about which sleeve, vibe, or fetish gear you like best.

So inevitably, I like to read confessions that deal with all that stuff. It’s a sex toy ConTuesday!

I just dropped almost a hundred bucks on a Lelo Siri! It’s charging now, and I can’t wait to try it! (And I just called my boyfriend and left him a message regarding the same. . .)

Do you love it? I still love mine. It is my absolute, number one go-to masturbatory aid, not counting Natalie Dormer.

I bought my wife our first toy for Valentines Day…The Lilo Irus. There was no fireworks the first time out, but we sure had fun.

It was such a turn on to hear ”I wonder what it feels like inside?” Not to mention the sight of it moving to and fro, in and out. I can’t wait to have her wiggling and twitching with me at the controls, or to catch her using it alone ;-)

Another LELO! I am not one for too much brand loyalty, but goddamn it do I ever want more of their toys.

Sometimes it takes a little while to warm up to a toy. Or sometimes, like with people, you have to try a few before one can really hit the right spots. Hope you guys found your fireworks. Trying new things isn’t just what marriages crave (from what I, single filer who should do her taxes already, have heard), but it’s also so much fun!

I’m a guy, I love sex and masturbation. My sex life is good, but my personal time is amazing! I enjoy things that I don’t feel very comfortable sharing with my current partner. (I’m not even sure I’ll find one who would make me that secure)

One of my dark secrets is hot wax, Until tonight I hadn’t used it in probably a good 6 years. Laying in bed, candle lit I tried to remember how hot it would be. Was it going to be too much now? When my partner gets home will she smell the scented candle? Maybe she’ll discover a stray wax droplet somewhere and ask questions…

On a dark-secret kink scale of zero to you’ve-got-to-be-fucking-kidding-me-I’m-filing-a-restraining-order, I sure wouldn’t divide by hot wax. I don’t know about the safety of playing with regular candles, whose wax gets a lot hotter than dedicated sexy candles manufactured just for wax play, but I’m assuming (and hoping) you do as an experienced practitioner.

I can’t tell just by reading if you’re worried your partner will learn your secret, or simply want a way to invite her into your wax play, or both. If you want to share the fun with your partner, may I suggest a gateway drug? That thing’s about as intimidating as a Persian kitten.

I’m obsessed with the idea of using a sex swing with my fiance. He’s agreed, and we have one ordered… who wouldn’t want to use grown-up playground equipment for nefarious ends? My confession is, I consider that the first in a sequence of baby steps toward my ultimate obsession. I REALLY want to rig it with a pulley system so he can pull me off his cock and drop me back down while I beg for mercy. I’m picturing an interrogation scene where I go from reluctant to depraved as the sex progresses.

He reads your blog, I’m hoping he’ll read this. That’s one of the baby steps!!!

Oh, I see. Using the sacred trust that is ConTuesday for your little passive-aggressive games, are we?

And who wouldn’t want to see grown-up playground equipment desecrated? Really? I guess your elementary school didn’t have any paraprofessionals patrolling recess time. Well, they oppose playground fun in all its forms and age ranges, and I assure you they are not smiling.

Just fucking with you. I support your dream, your baby steps, and your fantasy, which I’m pretty sure I saw approximated once in a samurai movie or something. I agree, it sounds delightful! Just remember to test the pulleys ridiculous amounts before your maiden voyage. Good luck, you crazy kids!

Got a secret? Let’s turn it into a confession.

Wow, so yeah, this is a thing: A Cat-5 Cable Flogger. Fuck yes. Now, I’ve never flogged nor been flogged by anyone, ever (and this flogger looks particularly ouchy for a first flight), but I want one anyway. Because, you see, it is a cat-5 flogger. That’s just too adorkable.

I’m writing this ConTuesday from inside a lion, and it’s rather dark in here.

Hey Ambien guy! The only way I could have sex with my ex-girlfriend was when I was on Ambien. However, now that I’m with my boyfriend I don’t need it anymore. Good riddance.

I hope no one ever says about me, “QP? Oh, I had to chuck her once I ran out of Ambien refills. Could only stand to sleepfuck her.” Here’s the original Ambien confession, for those interested (look at the last one of the bunch).

I’m afraid I might be sexually racist. Ever since I started going out with my boyfriend, who is black, I only find black people attractive. Actually, not only black people – I’m just not attracted to white men any more.

I feel like white people have enough attraction (and other) privilege that I’m finding it very difficult to get offended here. When this shit doesn’t happen anymore, then I’ll probably be able to work up some genuine indignation.

Of course, it’s a fine line between appreciating and fetishizing, innit, but that’s a whole entire entry that I’m actually working on currently, amazingly enough. Generally, though, not being attracted to just one group doesn’t make a good case that you’re fetishizing all the other groups. Those poor white guys will just have to live with this one, I fear.

My boyfriend and I have been actively seeing each other for about a month now, and the super hormonal god I want you now… and now…. and now… phase is still in full swing. I’m not sure it’s ever going to die off, actually, which I’m totally ok with.

We got a couple of toys for V day just for funsies. He’s always been of the opinion that if you need props for sex you’re doing it wrong, so he was skeptical. He’s sort of become a believer after giving me rolling orgasms with the little finger vibe, though.

I swear he’s going to make me pass out playing with that thing….

So maybe you don’t strictly need props. Maybe they just help you make your girlfriend pass out.

So I started dating this guy and against all my normal standards not only did I sleep with him on the first date, but I took him to my place to sleep with him. It was mind blowing sex up until the point he decided to choke me. I had talked about this with a previous partner and could never bring myself to even try. So when this Bad Boy just up and did it, forget mind blowing, it was out of this world!!!!! While talking a few days later, it came up in conversation and I told him it freaked me out but I enjoyed it, but he hasn’t done it since. The whole fear of suffication keeps me from asking him to do it again, even though I enjoyed it. Why can’t he just go back to being the man who takes control in bed??????

Since you already told him it freaked you out, that’s what he’s focusing on. Yes, you told him you enjoyed it, but he’s more interested in not freaking you out. So if you want more choking, you’re probably going to have to have a conversation. You don’t have to ask for it in the moment. “Puddingbear,” you might say one evening over hard cider and steeled courage, “That first time we hooked up and you got deliciously aggressive and choked me a little? That was really, really good for me. I came metric buckets, to be honest. Could that happen more often? Because that would be super.”

Trust me, neither you nor Puddingbear regrets this conversation.

(Future me popping in here to suggest that you and anyone interested in choking/breath play read this, per ozymandias’ responsible suggestion in comments, and adding that the potential danger of this play is all the more reason to communicate about it rather than just letting it happen in the heat of the moment.)

Got a secret? Get typing.

The Wand Controller: Has the Hitachi found its match?

I’ve made little secret about the fact that the renowned Hitachi Magic Wand doesn’t quite do it for me. I’ve had orgasms with it, of course, but I’ve had better orgasms from tight jeans. And in my bedroom, all unitaskers have to give great orgasms.

One of my major complaints with the Magic Wand was the two vibrations settings. They are, to quote my Magic Wand review, respectively “boring” and “clitoris-searing”, and both leave my clitoris feeling numb. This is generally not the sensation palette I’m looking for while fapping.

When I saw that there existed such a thing as a Wand Controller, though, I thought that perhaps this device would resuscitate my relationship with the world’s favorite sex toy.

Let’s find out if it did, shall we?

The concept is to provide a full range of vibration intensities beyond the Hitachi’s factory-installed two. In short, its a dimmer for your vibrator. Simple, ingenious concept.

The Wand Controller comes in a cardboard box. I hate it when anything, but especially a sex toy, comes in clamshell packaging, so I was instantly disposed to like it. On taking it out, though: truthfully, this thing looks a bit like Baby’s First RadioShack Project. Its cord is six feet long and puzzling in its thickness (it’s as girthy as my surge protector’s cord) terminating in a box with a dimmer, a fuse, a three-way switch, and an outlet for your Magic Wand.

Also, as a bonus, there was a stray blob of solder on mine. And this may just be because I’m clumsy, but I swear I could cut myself on the Controller’s plastic casing given half a chance.

The auspices weren’t great. The Wand Controller really doesn’t look like a feat of modern engineering. But to be fair, it’s not pretending to be one. And neither is the Magic Wand, for that matter. They’re both functional designs without superfluity of thoughtful details. The important thing is how they do their jobs.

So, how well does the Wand Controller do its job? Reliably, and pretty much exactly like you’d think. It opens a up a great many intensity options you never had before. With this device, you suddenly have a full range from nothing to max on both the traditional levels, just by flipping a couple switches and exploring the dial.

As someone constantly looking for a strong, steady vibration of the perfect intensity, this would be perfect for me if I liked the Hitachi’s vibrations in the first place.

It’s just, you know, I don’t. There’s something about the fundamental nature of how the Magic Wand vibrates that just doesn’t do it for me, and I see that now that I’ve adjusted the intensity every which way.

Out of curiosity, I also plugged my Wahl 7-in-1 into the Controller, but alas, no dice. The Controller was no better than an extension cord, rendering the Wahl cold and lifeless unless the fader was at its highest setting. It was worth a shot.

The product could be slicker, but the Wand Controller does what it promises. Overall, if you already love the Hitachi Magic Wand, you’ll most likely appreciate the extra flexibility of customized vibrations and a six-foot longer reach. I think it’s a wonderful companion to the Wand.

If you’re like me and don’t really get the Hitachi hype, the Wand Controller probably won’t be enough to change your mind. Go back to massaging your necks, people. Nothing to see here.

Thanks, Babeland!

In honor of Valentine’s day, I’m featuring confessions that mention couplehood, which can be awesome or, you know, not always quite so much.

I am married to a beautiful, strong-willed and independent woman, who I love also because of these qualities and want to grow old with. I was raised to respect woman and consider myself a feminist man. This is important part.
The sex is good (up and down), but i have a dirty fantasy.
I want to have a full day with her, naked and dressed in all kinds of slutty clothing, at my calling as my slut where she does anything and everything what i want. And she likes doing all this.
I want to come home, order her to get on her knees and have her blow me and let me come in her mouth and over her face. Treat her like i never would.
Then, the next day, the roles will be completely reversed and i do everything she tells me.
After this weekend, we go home like nothing happened.

I can’t for the life of me think what’s stopping you! At least from talking about this. So doable, and so many women would be into it. Go go go have awesome sex!

I am really, really curious about my boyfriend’s number. I don’t care about numbers and I’m don’t judge people based on them, but I do like to know. Mine is pretty high, especially for my age. He is older than me, has lived in New York for longer, and is a bartender so I’m sure his is higher than mine.

I am so, so curious. And I really don’t want to ask him.

I have no ideas for this other than a very cheesy “I dreamed we compared numbers, and you’d slept with like 200 people before me. I was a little aroused, actually…” and see how he reacts, hoping he coughs up the number voluntarily. This is probably completely transparent, but if I couldn’t bring myself to ask it’s very likely the way I’d go with it.

My boyfriend gave me a magic wand for the winter holidays and I just used it for the first time about 20 seconds ago. It was AWESOME. Easiest orgasm ever! I feel great, but my vagina is a little tingly.

They are legend for a reason.

This year I resolve to get into buttplay, with the end goal of letting my boyfriend fuck me in my girly butt. He’s been very politely asking for this for about a year now. So far we’ve done some asscheek fucking and I’ve realized that pressure against my anus feels great. But I’ve balked at any sort of penetration. Our next step is for him to finger my ass (inside a condom or glove) during oral.

Wish me luck!

Good luck! Going slowly with butt play/sex greatly increases the chances that you’ll like it. Any updates?

I wound up in bed with another girl at a party the other night. We mostly just kissed, and I got to lick her pussy a bit (wonderful!). My boyfriend was really, really angry at me. All 3 of us had wound up in bed at first, and she was kissing him, then he left and came back to find us making out. He’s still angry at me. The thing is, I wanted it to be a threesome, not a twosome between me and her, and I also found it incredibly, incredibly hot. I’m really struggling with my desire to be sexual with women and the fact that my boyfriend isn’t down with it at all. But…licking her pussy was one of my favorite sexual things I did all year. It was totally awesome. God.

The classic bisexual’s conundrum. I mean, I know it’s completely counterproductive to feed the assumption that all bisexuals (and you may identify as pansexual, queer, etc. so just know that I’m not trying to undermine that; just picking a term) want more than one partner, but…um… a lot of us do.

My boyfriend is into orgasm denial and telling me when I may or may not have one. Normally I find it really hot, but right now I’m really angry at him so I’m going to masturbate all day and not ask for permission once.

What’s the fun in being a sub unless you can be bratty once in a while? Maybe actual subs can tell me, but I can’t imagine never breaking the rules.

Got a confession? Send it in here. Think of it as a belated V-day present to the internet.

ConTuesday! It is beyond, and by that I mean below, freezing where I live. I’m sick of winter. I decided to drain my battery yesterday using my amazing powers of stupidity and vacancy. You know what’ll cheer me up? Reading your dirty secrets. Yes.

This summer I met a guy at a music festival. The first night he danced near me and I could tell he was watching me, but didn’t have the guts to come up to me. Just as I was getting ready to leave, he walked over and introduced himself. I told him my name and walked away. The whole next day, I kept running into him and teasing him. By the evening, he had worked up the courage to dance with me. After the music ended, we went for a walk that ended in fucking under a tree by the local soccer field. He had the biggest dick I have ever had the pleasure of fucking. We moved from the tree to the picnic table, to the grass, to the chain link fence. It was the best public sex I have ever had. I couldn’t help but laugh the next day when I saw people eating lunch on the picnic table! When I went home to my husband the next day, my pussy was still sore from that night.

Note to self: attend more music festivals.

My significant other, to whom I am committed, simply does not come close to meeting my sexual needs. Of course I masturbate. But it’s not enough.

I consider making overtures to a friend, who has the same situation.

My S.O. has said, when speaking in generalities: ”If you have sex with someone else, I don’t ever want to find out about it.” Tacit approval?

My friend’s S.O. has basically said, when speaking in generalities: ”No.”

Half of my reason for not approaching my friend is my fear of rejection. The other half is my old-fashioned concerns about ”cheating.” (I never have.)

You just reminded of that three-part series on sex starvation in relationships that I was planning to write, and damned if I didn’t write only two. I’ll be addressing that soon.

Quite a few Thanksgivings ago, my wife and I watched an episode of HBO’s Real Sex that included a segment about women anally penetrating their men. My wife asked me if I’d like to try it, I tried to brush it off with a ”maybe” but the seed was planted in my perverted mind. Now all I want her to do is to take control and fuck me with a strap-on, but she wants me to lead the way on our endeavor. I’ve told her that I want it. I’ve purchased latex gloves and a sex toy for anal play. She will play with my asshole while I lick her pussy. But I’m frustrated that I have to make all the moves when I want her to dominate me. I want her to make me her slut. I understand that starting anal play involves communication, but I want to feel like her toy. I’m so frustrated.

Communication and feeling like a toy aren’t mutually exclusive. If you ease her into pegging you by initiating and walking her through it, she’ll have a chance to get comfortable with it on her own terms. Then you can start vividly describing how she’d take charge in your fantasies and take baby steps toward that. She might find a dominant top deep within somewhere along the way, or might at least learn to fake it once in a while as a special treat.

In my mind, this plan is going to work flawlessly. Good luck!

You know how they say an icicle is the best murder weapon, because the evidence melts away? Its also the best dildo when your mother is not only super conservative, but isn’t shy about searching your room. I found the pleasure of female ejaculation with a hunk of ice and an electric toothbrush.

Laramy, who looked over my shoulder a bit as I compiled this week’s ConTuesdy, says he can’t get the image of licking a frozen metal pole out of his mind. I really hope using an icicle as a dildo is nothing like that. Absolutely nothing.

Affordable electric toothbrushes seem like a godsend to young women who don’t have easy, discreet access to sextoys. Glad you’re having fun.

Send your sex secrets here. It’s anonymous and it’s highly gratifying.