quizzical pussy

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not a purist. I’m normally pretty okay when my food touches my other food. I tend to enjoy a cheesy or novel cover of an already good song. Entropy and the crushing power of relativity give me a deep and abiding confidence that I will never truly control anything, and this thing I see as total truth bothers me barely ever. So when I said yesterday “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if we all bought sex toys today!?”, it was with the clear understanding that nearly anything can be a sex toy. And “buying” is just a made up thing we do with made up numbers anyway. And sex is what you think it is.

In marginally related news, am also not the purest.

It’s BAST and I’m saving up to move, so I can’t get a new sex toy today. I did, however, spend the afternoon with my magic wand. 5+ orgasms with a favorite old toy still counts as a good BAST, right?

That’s a fucking gorgeous BAST, my friend. Good luck with the saving and moving and future orgasms!

So…I just kissed my kinky, filthy, delicious wife goodbye and sat down to watch Babylon 5 and eat Kraft Dinner with our kid while ignoring how wet I am that she’s going to a nice dinner and hopefully (skeeves-out notwithstanding) fucks some guy we just met today, with whom she’s eating, utterly silly. So she can come home and we can fuck some more while she tells me what a bad girl she was and I can spank her until she cries. This is the first time, and fuck me I am incredibly nervous, but… I am so squirmy from just sending her off that I had to masturbate once already, and she hasn’t been gone half an hour ;)

I can imagine many scenarios in which Sci Fi and pre-packaged comfort food can be part of a sexual experience (one of them also involving a turtleneck sweater and Scrabble tiles, naturally), but this one is particularly awesome.

My lover bites. It’s awesome and sexy, but my skin bruises easily, so for the longest time, I’ve been struggling to hide hickeys. Fortunately, my neck seems to have developed Wolverine-like powers of regeneration. I haven’t had a hickey for months now. Thank you, smart body, for letting me have my fun without consequences!

Teeth and mutant powers? Both totally count as sex toys. Any haters who disagree can close the tab right now. Or not. It’s kind of up to them.

Whenever I start listening to Xmas music, I get REALLY into femmes and super domestic myself. Through the rest of the year, I’m pretty equally into all gender identities and expression, but come xmas, I hear those Mariah Carey songs and I think…damn, I want to snuggle with a cute femme under blankets wearing woolly sweaters and drinking hot cider, watch Love, Actually, and eat her out in a room lit with sparkly lights and scented with sugar cookies. Maybe she could be wearing adorable holiday themed panties? But definitely a woolly sweater, sweatpants, and snuggly socks.

This has become a legit fetish for me. I get really horny when xmas shopping and jerk off more that time of year than any other. Wonder if I could find someone on Craigslist to help me bring it to life?

So in this fantasy, I feel like the following things count as sex toys:

• Christmas music
• gender presentation
• blankets
• sweaters
• cider
• Romantic comedies
• sparkly lights

Baby Mithras, but you’re kinky! I like it.

I recently entered a giveaway to win a gift card to one of six online sex shops. Five of the six are fabulous, feminist, and queer. I won the gift card to the other one. I’m thrilled to have won, but I can’t find ANYTHING to buy. Their stock is awful, shitty quality…they don’t even carry good lube.

I’ve been sending the website to my friends and no one has found anything decent. I’m thinking of giving it back.

Do you have any ideas?

Readers? Anyone?

In my world, lube, batteries, and sex toy cleaning supplies never go amiss. Perhaps you can relate? I don’t know if you’re a condom-using person, but they also appear to sell the best brand of condoms I’ve ever found: One. Although it’s apparently in a ribbed style I have yet to try.

I have a best friend. Or maybe I had a best friend, since we’re in a huge fight now. I am…crazy for her. Possibly quite literally. We’ve been friends for about five years and I still act like an overwhelmed, ecstatic puppy every time the phone rings and it’s her, every time I get an e-mail and it’s from her, every time we get to spend time together.

But by the same token, it hurts so badly when we can’t. When she goes out of town and we can’t see each other on the weekend. When she decided to start taking night classes and we couldn’t hang out at night. When she has a date with her girlfriend and is busy. I try to swallow the hurt down because I know it’s inappropriate, but sometimes it’s just too much and I let it out, and she says I’m selfish and don’t want there to be anything in her life except me. It’s not true! I just…miss her. All the time. Ugh, I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what in all of this counts as a sex toy. I don’t think unrequited love is a sex toy, is it? Really, I just want to give you a hug.

Subject: male chastity device

I thought the woman that told me was lying so I googled and OMG they are for real.

I know it sounds funny, stupid maybe, but the idea of a hot woman having the key to one of those devices and making me wait and wait is so erotic.

I suppose you women think it is just plain silly huh

You’d be amazed at how much “we women” don’t have monolithic collective opinions on things. The hot woman who longs to hold the key to one of those devices while making someone wait and wait most assuredly exists.

Confess things here!

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Did you know that it’s Buy A Sex Toy day, like, today? I’m telling you, people need to know about this!

I’ve been thinking for about a month now what I want to buy, and I feel like I’m in a phase at the moment where I’m pretty content with the jack-off aids I have. What I really, really want in this phase is a time-turner¹ that will allow me to spend more time with my paramours. Or maybe even better, a teleporter.

As it is, what with things not existing as they ought, I’m down to the wire and it’s occurred to me that I don’t have any rope. No, none at all. And since I feel a burgeoning drive to tie up lovely people, that’s what I’m getting. Rope.

What are you getting?

P.S. Rope recommendations welcome.

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1. It’s a Harry Potter thing. And it doesn’t exist. Not since the Department of Mysteries debacle. :( [↩]

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The first time someone else bought me a sex toy, it was nerve-wracking and excruciating (the experience, not the toy. The toy was actually not bad…). Reginald Sleeth and I stayed after hours at the porn studio where we worked, he took pictures of me masturbating to ejaculation, and then we traipsed off to the adult book store where I was to select a toy as a reward.

I didn’t so much select a toy as turn a blaring shade of red and wish I were back in the safety of my safe and non-threatening porn studio, while Reginald, whose idea all this had been, made suggestions. He quite liked the idea of remote controls, as I recall.

After a near meltdown, I finally picked a cheap, slim, plastic, vibrating insertable. Doubt not that I used it often and to excellent effect over the coming years, but that experience taught me two things:

1. Never go sex toy shopping on someone else’s terms and expect to have fun.
2. If I hadn’t had an excuse to go toy shopping, even with the internet existing, it may well have been years before I owned a proper sex toy.

When I finally got around to buying a sex toy for myself, it actually was years later, and it was completely different. The toy was, and I was. I decided what I wanted based, not on what my scary ex-boyfriend would be able to afford/be comfortable with/not think I was depraved because of, but on the pure intention of giving myself pleasure. I traded my own money for it in a declaration that my orgasms were worth something to me. And they were motherfucking poetic orgasms, too.

I’m not saying it’s not worthwhile to buy and accept sex toys for and from your partner. In fact, I will say right now that it is. But the other thing I’m trying to say is that sex toy purchases tend to be imbued with significance. When you buy one, it’s usually with a fairly powerful intention: self-love, wanting another person to have orgasms, or often a totally new type of sexual exploration. There is a reason we call one of the most popular sex toys of all time a Magic Wand.

Oh, and by the way, Buy A Sex Toy day is June 4th, which is a mere month from now! Let’s make magic, people.

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I’m a very, very normal person.

Aside from the nymphomania, the utter absurdity, the crazy hair, the whimsy, the sluttishness, physical disabilities, geekery both sexual and general, and all the aberrant philosophies, I’m totally and completely normal. Probably just about as normal as you, anyway. No offense.

And you know what? I love sex toys. Normal people love sex toys. Normal people buy them. And normal people have a whole hell of a lot of fun using them.

And I recently bought my first glass dildo in honor of Buy A Sex Toy day! Here’s what it looks like:

Some of you may remember my long-cherished dream to own a tentacle dildo. Oh yeah, I make shit happen.

What did you buy, oh-so-normal readers?

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Saturday, June 4th is Buy A Sex Toy Day! It’s so exciting you could just gag, isn’t it?

The idea behind BAST is simple. Imagine a world where no one’s ashamed of buying sex toys. Where you only hide them because you don’t want other people to steal them. Imagine feeling free to compare favorites with your friends and safely share with your partners without worrying about threatening them.

Imagine thinking of sex toys as a healthy, normal part of life, and using them is no more pathetic or deviant than using a toothbrush. It’s just more fun.

That’s the kind of world I’d like to live in. That’s why I started BAST day. Because if you buy a sex toy and you brag about it, on the internet or elsewhere, you will almost certainly make at least one person think, “Well, if normal people are doing it, maybe I’ve got the wrong idea about sex toys…”

And from that moment, with that epiphany, that person has a chance to be a little happier. Orgasms have that much power.

So if you’re with me, blog this, tweet this, social network the fuck out it, whatever you kids are doing. And treat yourself to something special this weekend. You deserve it.

Then don’t forget to brag about it.

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You guys! It’s only one month until Buy A Sex Toy day! June 4th approaches.

BAST is a high holy day, full of excuses to buy sex toys and then brag about them on the internet. So, if you want to participate, start thinking about what you want to get.

But hey, if you’re getting this thing, whatever in the world it is?

…Maybe this you don’t have to brag about, per se. Maybe you just keep this purchase to yourself.

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Oh, frabjous Buy A Sex Toy day! It’s here at last! Can you stand it?

Some (highly cynical) people suggest that our purchases can be far more valuable than our votes. I wouldn’t go that far, but I agree that the choices we make as consumers can drastically affect the way society evolves. Money molds policy, and purchases set priorities.

So when we spend our hard-earned money on something that gives us sexual pleasure, we’re making a statement. We’re saying that sexual freedom and expression are worth something concrete. We’re voting that the pursuit of orgasms is healthy and wholesome. We’re insisting that lascivious satisfaction is important enough to shell out for, and that’s a powerful coup in a culture that too often frowns upon pleasure.

Or, I dunno. Maybe we’re just trying to get off, right?

Maybe I forgot to tell you, I love sex toys. I think they’re grand, from the earliest Greek olisbos to the newest, fanciest vibrators that do mad things like plug into your ipod. While I only marginally get why people can’t be satisfied with their fucking 6-month-old phones just because a slightly better model is coming out, I utterly connect with the fundamental human need to own every possible orgasm-producing device in existence. I don’t even care if they’re meant for penises, I’ll make them work!

And I just love the idea of a whole heap of people all around the world buying and celebrating sex toys once a year. It’s a hell of an excuse to buy a dildo, if nothing else. And now it’s really, truly here. Today is Buy A Sex Toy Day.

I decided to buy the Njoy Pure Wand, partly because my comments came down on the Wand’s side 2-to-1, but also because a) I started questioning the wisdom of getting partner-dependent toy right now, considering Laramy and I have a long list of toys and other experiments we still haven’t gotten around to trying and b) I’m interested in exploring more insertion during my masturbation sessions, and my pussy seems enthusiastic about using the Pure Wand in that initiative.

So how about you? Are you celebrating BAST day? You don’t have to spend a lot or even buy something you wouldn’t otherwise. Your BAST day purchase could be a simple as a bottle of lube you’re going to need in a couple weeks anyway. Or you buy that Real Doll you’ve always wanted. Or anything in between.

If you’ve bought/are buying something in honor of the first annual BAST day, tweet about it, blog about it, comment about it here! Spread the word! If you just like the idea but don’t want to buy anything, spread the word anyway!

If you don’t like the idea at all and can’t wait for me to shut up about it already, come back Mondy when I’ll have gotten it out of my system… you know, until I start ramping up for next year. Because BAST day is every June 4th from now on, dammit, and it’s only going to grow mightier.

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Buy A Sex Toy Day is mere days away, and I’m still not 100% sure whether I’m going with the vibrating, intercourse-enhancing We Vibe 2 or the life-changing g-spot phenomenon, the Njoy Pure Wand.

It’s apples and oranges, really. It’s not like we’re talking Freddy and Jason here. There’s no clear winner (that would be Freddy, by the way). They would fill different voids in my toy arsenal; I clearly need both of them eventually, but which do I need roughly now-ish? Like so many things in life, it’ll come down to whim.

Or maybe I’ll just take a vote on my sex blog.

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Ancient Egyptian Deities <3 sex toys. Ask anyone.

International Buy A Sex Toy Day is fast approaching (it’s June 4th!), and I’m contemplating what to buy. I want to make this sex toy purchase count (toward mad orgasms). I’m not above buying cheap-ass sex toys, no, but in honor of the first annual BAST day I want to get something special, something I’m sure I won’t regret. So I’ve narrowed my current wishlist down to five top contenders. And here they are…

1. Sqweel The way oral sex simulators are described always irks me. For instance, the marketing copy for this toy on most sites says: “Luckily, the Sqweel won’t give you any excuses. No tired jaw, no early meeting the next morning, so it’ll keep going as long as you need.” Ooh baby. Nothing makes me horny like thinking about how much people hate to go down on me! Nevertheless, this toy looks like fun, and completely unlike anything else out there. In partnered sex, I tend to prefer oral sex with hard fingering right on my G-spot, so I’m curious as to whether I’ll feel the need for some penetration while using this.
2. We Vibe 2 The We Vibe is made specifically for wearing while fucking, in the sense that it’s supposed to go inside you (and also outside you) while a penis is also inside you. That promises like a million and seven standard units of stimulation for everyone involved! A while back, Laramy and I visited a sex toy shop and the We Vibe 2 was sitting there all coy on a glass shelf, begging to be picked up and fondled. Once we figured out how to turn the damn thing on, the vibration patterns were mesmerizing, and my imagination was captured: I wanted to put it in and fuck him right there on the floor immediately. Unfortunately, it was not that kind of place. Two misgivings: I don’t really know if the added friction against something shiny and silicone (even though it is, as advertised, quite soft) is going to be a problem for my partner’s penis, and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to keep up with the plot of the sequel without first seeing We Vibe 1.
3. Njoy Pure Wand This is the G-spot toy, apparently. I want it both for personal use and for its great potential in the realm of girlfucking. It should come with a t-shirt that says “I will make you squirt”. Or wait, would that be tacky? Oh wait, don’t care.
4. Lelo Ina So my Impulse Jack Rabbit all kinds of died. It’s pretty much a mere shadow of its former, bliss-giving self. We had a good run so I’m not mad…I’m just disappointed. But if the rumors are true, Lelo has taken the winning Rabbit vibe formula and elevated it to high art with the Ina. I feel like that might just help me through my mourning process.
5. Eroscillator As a huge fan of clitoral masturbation, ever since I read Epiphora’s review of this technological marvel I’ve been consumed with desire. I burn, I pine, I perish. For reals. Plus, this is the only vibrator ever recommended by Dr. Ruth Westheimer, and you may recall that BAST day is on her birthday. It’s fate or something, I swear. Of course, the package I want goes for $240.90, so I’m starting to think that fate is cruel. Realistically, I’ll probably start saving up now so I can buy it for BAST day 2011. Still, it’s a beautiful dream.

Honorable Mention: Fleshlight Ice I can’t emphasize enough how dearly I want to fuck a Fleshlight with my Feeldoe. It would feel so deliciously postmodern. And the Fleshlight Ice is the clear favorite for this activity because of the visual treat of seeing every inch of my beautiful cock as it slides in and out. The only problem is that I mostly want it for novelty because I’m not sure it’ll beat jacking off with my Feeldoe one iota sensation-wise.

So there’s my shortlist. Each of my top five occupies a different sex toy niche, which makes the choice both more interesting and harder. As always, your input is welcome.

I hope you consider going online or visiting your local sex shop to buy a sex toy on June 4th, or at least spreading the word about BAST day! Blog it, tweet it, whatever! I think it would be wicked fun if it caught on.

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It’s Tuesday, which means that here at Quizzical Pussy, it’s also ConTuesday. While I have your attention as you await anonymous internet dirt, I’d like to remind you that Buy A Sex Toy Day is coming up on June 4th. If you’re like me, you’ll want to start planning what to buy now. While you ruminate on that, have some confessions!

Got back together with an old girlfriend of mine. We both have other partners, she’s married, and everything’s cool, except that we fuck unprotected, just not to (my) orgasm. We both know it’s bad, but we really get off on being bad, and it’s some of the hottest sex I’ve had in at least a year and I don’t even feel guilty about it.

My girlfriend is into calling me “Daddy” in bed and even brings it into every day situations every so often. It makes her happy but I can’t stand it and sometimes it’s even hard to keep my boner it’s so silly and gross. I try to humor her though because she does stuff just for me too.

Years ago I blackmailed my friend’s girlfriend into giving me a blowjob. I had caught her cheating on him and told her I’d tell him if she didn’t service me. I wish I could say that I felt so bad that I didn’t really enjoy it, but it was the best one I’ve ever had to this day. I did feel so bad that I stopped blackmailing her after that and never told my friend anything.

I’m attracted to chubby guys, but I’m a really fit and sporty girl, and not willing to change that. Whenever I start dating a deliciously chubby boy, after a few months he goes on a health kick trying to keep up with me, even though I always worship his round, soft body. I make them feel self-conscious by contrast, I guess. It sucks. I can get my physically perfect guy, but I can never keep him. :(

If you have anything on your chest, take it from that chest and deposit it into my online form! Tell your deepest, darkest sex secrets anonymously here.

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