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Posts Tagged ‘pie’
04 Jul

To secure these rights…

Today's post isn't really about sex. But this makes up for it, no?

I was born in the United States, and that’s where I live. Today is Independence Day here. It commemorates not any victory or truce, but simply the intention to stop being a trodden-upon colony. This is kind of like celebrating your anniversary with a paramour on the day you first admitted you wanted to fuck each other rather than the day you actually did for the first time. Which is fine, really, just an interesting choice that becomes completely meaningless unless there’s some decisive follow-through. Which, in the case of the Declaration of Independence, there was. It was called the Revolutionary War.

I’m somewhat conflicted as a U.S. citizen. It always feels awkward that there’s not a proper word for us. “American” is desperately broad and kind of pushy, as if the manifest destiny myth gives us the right to claim ourselves the sole possessors of all flavors and varieties of Americas, some of which are entire continents. Sure, “America” in this case is just shorthand for “United States of America”, and no one else seems to need it as much as we do (try saying United Statesian. It just doesn’t work), but it bothers me anyway. Other things bother me more profoundly. Our country was never, even once, all integrity and liberty and pie. The United States government and its citizens systematically slaughtered and displaced the people of sovereign native nations to get us where we are today. They enslaved and exploited those people and so many others for generations. No ends justify those means.

I don’t believe our founding fathers were infallible or indefatigably noble. I don’t think that they necessarily planned for “all men are created equal” to mean seriously fucking everyone someday. They were, as we are, products of their era and culture, and that means they had some pretty shitty ideas about plenty of subjects. Instead of perfect intentions and godlike wisdom (or even the moral high ground), though, they gave us wonderful promises and forged them into law. That’s their beautiful legacy.

What I love about my home are the promises it was built on. Those flawed men gave us the framework to grow into an honest, fair, and free society, or as close as we’re likely to ever get. I intensely believe this, and it makes me grateful and yes, proud.

But just because those promises were made doesn’t mean they’re automatically kept. I don’t just think, I observe that we’re not as free as we think we are in this country. Votes become increasingly difficult to verify as paper ballots are phased out. Appointing corporate lobbyists to White House cabinet and advisory positions has become de rigueur. People are lining up to hand in their reproductive rights, relinquish free speech (funny how limiting someone else’s rights also compromises your own), and to thwart the one provision in the Constitution that seems designed to give us a fighting chance if everything goes irretrievably to hell. We’re losing cherished friends, family, and compatriots in two interminable wars that most of us don’t seem to believe in. Our president, who was stridently opposed to the Patriot Act while he was campaigning, recently extended it by a year, and was met with precious little outrage.

The government can do bad things. It will sometimes try to do them in secret. There are recorded, admitted instances where this has happened in the past. So I have to ask, has any government in history ever cleaned up its act and restored its integrity on its own, without a coup, a war, or at least the undeviating insistence of an incensed public? What makes us think a government that, for example, covertly performed mind-control experiments on many of its citizens without their informed consent mere decades ago can be trusted today?

And yet, apathy thrives. Helplessness encroaches.

I realize that everyone has a different vision of the ideal America (mine has a lot of naked frolicking). I don’t know the answers to everything, and I’m not pretending to. I just feel very strongly that no good can come from a nation’s citizens having fewer rights and sitting idly by while more important promises are broken. Even if you’re not using all your rights or you don’t particularly like some of them, aren’t they… I dunno… kind of nice to have? Just in case?

My fellow United Statesians, have a great Independence Day. See fireworks. Grill meat (or tofu, if you’re kinky like that) over fire. Celebrate your state’s relaxed sodomy laws. Do something outdoors. Our nation is beautiful and you have every right to love it. But today I feel bound to remind myself that freedom isn’t something you’re necessarily born with and get to keep. That’s the way it should be, in a perfect world, but in reality freedom can be taken away at any time. That’s when you have to decide whether or not you’re going to declare your intentions to fight for it. And then, fucking follow through.

04 Jun

Welcome to the first annual BAST day!

Oh, frabjous Buy A Sex Toy day! It’s here at last! Can you stand it?

Some (highly cynical) people suggest that our purchases can be far more valuable than our votes. I wouldn’t go that far, but I agree that the choices we make as consumers can drastically affect the way society evolves. Money molds policy, and purchases set priorities.

So when we spend our hard-earned money on something that gives us sexual pleasure, we’re making a statement. We’re saying that sexual freedom and expression are worth something concrete. We’re voting that the pursuit of orgasms is healthy and wholesome. We’re insisting that lascivious satisfaction is important enough to shell out for, and that’s a powerful coup in a culture that too often frowns upon pleasure.

Or, I dunno. Maybe we’re just trying to get off, right?

Maybe I forgot to tell you, I love sex toys. I think they’re grand, from the earliest Greek olisbos to the newest, fanciest vibrators that do mad things like plug into your ipod. While I only marginally get why people can’t be satisfied with their fucking 6-month-old phones just because a slightly better model is coming out, I utterly connect with the fundamental human need to own every possible orgasm-producing device in existence. I don’t even care if they’re meant for penises, I’ll make them work!

And I just love the idea of a whole heap of people all around the world buying and celebrating sex toys once a year. It’s a hell of an excuse to buy a dildo, if nothing else. And now it’s really, truly here. Today is Buy A Sex Toy Day.

I decided to buy the Njoy Pure Wand, partly because my comments came down on the Wand’s side 2-to-1, but also because a) I started questioning the wisdom of getting partner-dependent toy right now, considering Laramy and I have a long list of toys and other experiments we still haven’t gotten around to trying and b) I’m interested in exploring more insertion during my masturbation sessions, and my pussy seems enthusiastic about using the Pure Wand in that initiative.

So how about you? Are you celebrating BAST day? You don’t have to spend a lot or even buy something you wouldn’t otherwise. Your BAST day purchase could be a simple as a bottle of lube you’re going to need in a couple weeks anyway. Or you buy that Real Doll you’ve always wanted. Or anything in between.

If you’ve bought/are buying something in honor of the first annual BAST day, tweet about it, blog about it, comment about it here! Spread the word! If you just like the idea but don’t want to buy anything, spread the word anyway!

If you don’t like the idea at all and can’t wait for me to shut up about it already, come back Mondy when I’ll have gotten it out of my system… you know, until I start ramping up for next year. Because BAST day is every June 4th from now on, dammit, and it’s only going to grow mightier.

(image source)

30 Apr

Your Mom

I’m not the best gift giver, especially when we’re talking about prescribed gift-giving events. If I find something that reminds me of you and that I think you have to own, I’m happy to buy it and give it to you. I might even wrap it. But how often do I find such a thing close to an actual birthday or gift-giving holiday? Not all that often. And I’m not about to hoard an item for months waiting for an authorized moment to give it to you. That’s madness! So when a special date rolls around, I’m often at a loss.

*THAT'S WHY I STOPPED! (could not resist)

Another shortcoming I have is that I have trouble thinking up sentimental gifts. I often opt to give something practical, which, to be honest, does tend to get a little fucking boring.*

The thing that drives me absolutely cuckoo is when people refuse to tell you what they want for their birthdays, etc., but clearly want you to come up with something inventive and thoughtful or they’ll be massively disappointed. That is terribly irritating, and probably some kind of metaphor for the kind of relationship you have with that person, although I can’t be bothered to suss out exactly how at the moment.

But one thing I do know, no matter how hard it might be to decide what gift to get for someone, there will always be some hard and fast rules regarding what NOT to get your mother for Mother’s Day.

For example, do not (ever) buy her any of the following unless following a specific and explicit request rendered in person and before witnesses (and even then, by all means have misgivings!):

  1. Black market organs
  2. Horrible Mothers: Breach of a Sacred Trust by Alice Thie Vieira
  3. Cocaine
  4. A stripper
  5. Sexy lingerie
  6. Vaginal rejuvenation surgery
  7. An e-card
  8. Parenting for Dummies
  9. A huge mess that’s not going to clean itself
  10. A vibrator

Newegg, apparently, did not get this memo. Behold:

This is a excerpt from an actual recent Newegg promotional email that arrived in Laramy’s inbox, and he was kind enough to share it. Go on and click it for the full thing on Newegg’s site. It is very true! Go on. I’ll wait… Yup, they’re actually suggesting that you buy your mom a Hitachi Magic Wand, because it’s not a sex toy, no! It’s a personal massager. But really, you guys, it’s a sex toy, right? Can’t we just all agree on that once and for all and admit that when people use it for other purposes (as I do) it’s aberrant?

And get one for my mom? Bad. News. Bears. Don’t listen to Newegg. They crazy. Although, $32.79 isn’t a bad price for a Magic Wand…

04 Apr

Let’s pretend we’re bunny rabbits

I’m not sure if you’re into the whole Easter thing. I consider it an annoying, primarily religious, holiday, particularly since I’m not a big candy eater these days. My one fond Easter association is this book, which I guess is a feminist parable according to all the Amazon reviews. I never thought about that before. It was just one of my favorites as a kid.

Anyway, have a bunny with a bullet through his head:

P.S. It’s a cock ring!

14 Feb

From my heart

If I had balls, I'd shave them for you this Valentine's Day

Hey, Quizzical Pussy readers. Just so you know… I like you like you.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Hope you’re getting all kinds of laid. Hope I am too!

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25 Dec

Hark!

Happy birthday to Jesus, Horus, Dionysus, Krishna, Mithras, and Rod Serling. You guys rock. Seriously.

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26 Nov

Thanksgiving ho!

The Thanksgiving celebration I want to have: Spending all day in bed, fucking, eating take-out, watching strange Asian horror films, and being thankful for all these delightful things.

The Thanksgiving celebration I will have: Picking at dry turkey while listening attentively to harangues from my family about how I’m too old to have such preposterous hair.

Here we go, pilgrims! Hope there’s pie in it for you!