quizzical pussy

Do you ever look at your arsenal of sex toys and think, “I feel like none of these dildos are, you know, steampunk enough to grace my privy parts.” Honey, we’ve all been there. It’s embarrassing when there’s nary a gear nor a speck of bronze spray paint on one of the things that you own!

Enter Lady Clankington and her Cabinet of Carnal Curiosities, home of the Little Death Ray and soon-to-be home of the Butt Rogers Uranium Pistol.

I’d have to get my hands on one of these puppies to really weigh in on whether they’re spectacular sex toys. My guess is that they’re really going more for the novelty angle. Basically, we have a standard-issue slimline vibrator, or a slightly more interesting contoured (glass? pyrex?) butt plug seated in a cute gun-like handle. I’m not sure if the handles are porous, toxic, made of licorice, perfectly safe and easy to disinfect, or what. It would, however, be kind of fun to see one of these as a prop at a steampunk or Sci Fi convention. Is it sexual harassment if I keep it holstered?

The website is young, so more information should appear soon. I really can’t wait to see what the Dueling Academy section is all about. The game is afoot!

I remember a time when I was mortified to buy tampons. This was before self-checkout was widespread, and there were no real ways to work around that slow, petrified slog up to the register to hand the cashier unassailable evidence that I had a vagina, and that stuff came out of it.

Then I got over it, laughed at myself, and was afraid to buy condoms and spermicide products. When I filled my prescription for birth control I could tell myself a little story about how I was really on it to regulate my periods so this wasn’t about sex, even though it had this amazing side effect of greatly reducing my risk of pregnancy! But the condoms, the contraceptive eggs: those decisively pointed to the fact that stuff also went in my vagina, and that I was doing everything I could to facilitate the process.

But after you’ve bought condoms enough dozen times that wears off too, and the scariness goes out of the adventure. You don’t have to buy other stuff to buffer the potential shock a cashier might have, thinking that maybe you’re going to leave that store and go have sex immediately, forsooth! You don’t have to avoid the male-manned registers in fear of leering smiles. You just don’t care anymore, unless they happen to not have your favorite brand in stock.

My last hold-out was lube. For a while there, I could buy almost anything without a blink, save lube. See, I usually only use lube for anal play/sex, so there’s an extra stat boost in transgression that a cashier might judge you like really harshly, and oh wait, they don’t fucking care what I buy!

I think it’s part of growing up to realize that it’s not that big a deal to buy any product in a store that routinely stocks it.

I’ve never (literally never, which is probably weird at my age and player level) given nor solicited a phone number at a random pick-up spot. Flirting from a stranger always shuts me down right away. I know it’s terribly rude, but I don’t mean it that way. I’m just a shrinking violet. Really, ask anyone! (Okay, not really. But I really do hit a brick wall when it comes to flirting.)

But the fact is that with the cell phone number of a near-stranger I’d be tempted to send disturbing, creepy text messages, like “You’re painfully beautiful when you sleep,” and “We’re almost out of milk.” Because at that point in the possible courtship you really have nothing to lose and can really fuck with someone. And I’m afraid that it would seem like a perfectly good idea at the time!

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My headaches (or really headache, since it’s acting more like one loooooooong one) are unreal this week. It’s getting to the point where my head is now on my top five list of least favorite body parts, and that list is normally reserved for my aesthetic complaints. Demonstabbyhead actually knocked my enormous man hands down to number six! Things are getting drastic.

It’s pretty frustrating. I’m certainly not feeling productive in any sense of the word. Lately, showering is my big adventure for the day. Also, there’s an unconfirmed rumor that I’m taking expired vicodin. As the kids these days would say: FML.

This brings me, of course, to that old chestnut: “Not tonight; I have a headache.”

(Disclaimer: I’m pretty sure I’m a sex fiend, so my views on this subject might not apply to all, or most, or even many.)

I want to have sex when I have a headache. I want to have sex when I have an insanely terrible headache. I might not want to move around a lot, nor be on top (which I normally like), but I want the comfort, the distraction, the orgasms, and the neurotransmitters. It’s good, free, pain management.

In fact, a few years ago when Demonstabbyhead was an unrelenting fixture in my life for months at a time rather than days, I would often catch myself absently reaching down to my clit and working it like worry beads. It was relaxing, reassuring.

So this week I’ve had some amazing sex. I’ve also masturbated a lot, often while watching episodes of the X Files and The Men Who Killed Kennedy with the volume turned down low. Body distraction and unrelated mind distraction seem to work well in tandem.

In short: OUCH! Sex, please.

Have I mentioned yet that I kind of like sex toys? Have we covered that? Yes? Oh, good.

Well, I might start reviewing toys for Babeland, one of my favorite purveyors of sex toys, soon. Notice there’s a little banner for them on my sidebar now. That’s how excited I am about this (plus the banner has a hot chick, so there’s that too).

If you like sex toy reviews, the good news is that they may be coming in a little thicker over here in the not-too-distant future. If you don’t like sex toy reviews, feel free to send me other things to review. I particularly enjoy British roadsters.

Modern demons have advanced a bit.

Words are like people. Complex. They each have a history, an evolution. And just like when you sleep with someone you’re also sleeping with everyone that person has ever slept with (hawt), when you say a word you summon up all these wonderful tendrils of ghostly meanings that you might not even realize.

And some of the tendrils just tickle me.

Chastity and celibacy are now used interchangeably to mean “miserable”…er, rather, to mean “the state of not fucking”. In days of yore, though, neither of them meant that. You could actually be either and also get laid. Chastity referred to having no illicit sexual liaisons, so no-frills sex inside marriage for purposes of procreation was perfectly chaste. Celibacy simply meant “the state of not marrying”. Celibate clergy would have loads of bastard babies back in yore.

The etymological roots of incubus and succubus come from the Latin for “to lie upon” and “to lie under”, respectively. This suggests that even demons observe the missionary position. How bland.

There’s no point to this other than the fact that I find it terribly interesting.

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I’ve never dated, fucked, or even made out with a guy who admitted to naming his penis. I’m one click short of naive enough to believe that this proves beyond a doubt that I’ve never been with a guy who had a name for his penis, but if you were the sort of person to name your genitals do you really think you’d be the sort of person to hide that fact?

While I like to name things as much as the next sexual deviant, naming my genitals would feel too much like dissociating myself from them, and that’s the last thing I want to do a) because that’s where I have a great deal of my fun and I have no wish to start living vicariously through my own body parts, and b) because if they got to have opinions they’d probably be very disappointed in me just now because I haven’t been keeping up on my caretaking duties (read: masturbating) lately.

I have jokingly given my tits names before, patently unsexy names that I throw out at really inconvenient times.

INT. SOME RANDOM COUCH – NIGHT

Groping is happening. Groping moves in a booberly direction.

Quizzical Pussy (indicating left breast): Ooooh, see that’s Statler.

Confused Dude: Huh?

Quizzical Pussy: The other one’s Waldorf. Now back to the balcony, kiddo! The old boys aren’t quite done with you!

Confused Dude: You sicken me.

Quizzical Pussy: Ah ah ah I lahve eet!

…This sort of thing is really great fun until I run out of people willing to fuck me. That’s when the laughter stops.

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Recently one of my Facebook friends posted the following status update: “Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re thinking.” It’s another quote in a long line of hackneyed “folksy wisdom” gems he’s read or heard somewhere, and just had to share. But even as folksy wisdom goes, this advice is really atrocious.

I can think of countless reasons to smile: a friend’s face, the sun on your skin, the elation of running and jumping and climbing trees, remembering that puppies exist, or getting a new sex toy in the mail, just to name a few. But just to get a reaction from people, to seem more intriguing? Booooooooooring. I can get behind smiling out of friendliness, or to put people at ease, but this stupid cliche goes a step too far. It’s “I want people to think of me in a certain way, so I’ll disingenuously alter my behavior.”

This, gentle reader, is why we can’t have nice things.

Cilfton Overmangle texted me out of the blue recently to ask if three days was still the customary amount of time to wait to call a girl after getting her number (I don’t know why I’m the person he asks, but whatever. I’m here to help, I guess…) I wasn’t trying to be glib in the least when I responded that he should simply call her when it was convenient for him to talk and he would care to have a conversation with her. Has anyone not heard of the “three day” rule? And doesn’t it seem contrived and a touch desperate-not-to-seem-desperate when you can tell someone has purposely waited exactly three days to call? I’m not the mayor of dating or anything, but even my commitment-phobic ass couldn’t muster up a speck of contempt for someone calling me on days one, two, or four, especially if a decent conversation arose from it.

It strikes me that conventional wisdom encourages us too much to fake things, to play games with each other for social rewards. The fact that there’s a “rule” of how many days to wait before calling an individual with a pulse and a mother and unique thoughts and experiences betrays such cynacism. And you know if Quizzical Pussy is calling you on your cynicism you’ve gone too far.

That’s my major issue with Pick Up Artistry: it couldn’t be less like art. Art is human, individualistic, all about sharing a unique and fallible perspective. It’s against homogeneous rules; it runs counter to a jaded, cookie-cutter approach to people and the world. Hell, even if an artist is expressing a misanthropic point of view, the act of creation itself is the opposite of cynical.

In fact, the “art” referred to in PUA is more just at odds with being “artless”, in the sense that has positive connotations of sincerity and being unaffected.

Instead of embracing the natural, PUAs (and girls that follow The Rules or whatever the kids are calling it these days, or other con artists) devote themselves to running through life like it’s a role-playing game. And the person you’re trying to date isn’t even the princess you need to save or a member of your party. Your “target” is just another monster to vanquish on your way to your goal. So if you don’t get results with one chick, you just need to beef up your stats, or else you threw the dice wrong and luck just wasn’t on your side. Either way, you’ll encounter lots of HB9s on this level, so you’re cool… you’ll get the next one. How is it a good idea to treat a potential partner like a non-player character? Like ultimately, they don’t matter.

There has to be a better way to deal with rejection than dehumanizing people. Can’t a person not want to fuck you, yet remain fully human? Can’t social interactions be more about discovery and less about achievements? Can’t you just relax and see where and with whom you fit naturally, without trying to force perceptions and opinions you can’t control? Can’t you just smile because you feel like it, call when you want to, and acknowledge that if you’re playing a game, we’re all in it together and probably actually all on the same team?

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So the bachelor party happened Saturday. I think it was a success, but I’m bloody exhausted. Maybe the reason everyone traditionally boozes it up and visits strip clubs for bachelor parties is because it’s easy. Let it never be said that I’m not a moderately awesome friend.

If you’re curious, I stripped to MC Frontalot’s nerdcore anthem Braggadocio. I wore my favorite, super-strappy metallic gray bra. At one point I was wearing karate pants. I guess you kind of had to be there…

I collapse now. Good talk.

I have precious little tolerance for the intolerant. When people get all judgmental and sexist, racist, heterosexist, cisgenderist, vanillaist, or any one of a number of other kinds of “ist”s I haven’t made up yet, my hackles tend to raise. But then I realize that, to a point, I’m talking about the man in the mirror. Because I’m not immune to being judgmental myself, and not just against the judgmental.

You see, I’m really kind of a dick about furries.

I’ve recently learned, through the mystery-annihilating magic of multiple social networking sites, that a few of my friends and acquaintances are attending a furry convention. I’ll say it again. They are going to a furry convention.

I don’t know why, but furries are that thing for me: the thing that strikes my “that just ain’t right” reflex in that oh-so-special way, to the point that if I learn that you like to dress up as an anthropomorphic animal to get your kicks, I’m going to start thinking less of you. It’s something I’m trying to grow past, but for now it’s the truth.

I understand that not all people within furry culture consider it a sex thing. I guess for some it might just be an extension of cosplay/dressing up/costuming. Or something. But it seems like many argue that it’s not just a sex thing. Which means, correct me if I’m wrong, that it partly is.

This prejudice against furries is not sex positive, open-minded, or even rational of me. In fact, the rational side of me is happy that they’re having their fun. But at the same time, another side of me is thinking “Ew. That’s…it’s…that just ain’t right.” I definitely don’t have a particular distaste for any other costuming hobbies. I also wouldn’t have this reaction to most sexual fetishes, even though I share–as far as I know– none of them. Do you like to pee on each other? Glad you’re enjoying yourselves. You want to coat yourself in liquid latex? Have at it. Beat each other with lit sparklers while climaxing? Can I watch? Oddly enough, I think pony play is kind of cute. Weirder still, if you’re a zoophile all I really care about is that you’re not abusing your animal sex partners, and that you honor consent inasmuch as you actually can. Hell, if I eat a hamburger and you let a bull fuck you, who’s doing more harm?

But furries? That’s, inexplicably, my line. In my book, it’s just slightly less appalling than scat. Why? I don’t know!

Well, I kind of know. For some reason, animals that are too anthropomorphic have always creeped me out. Beatrix Potter and Winnie the Pooh characters are fine, but anything approaching Hanna Barbera or team mascot level distortion unsettles the hell out of me, actually gives me goosebumps. I have no idea why that is, but it’s been true for as long as I can remember. So furries work that particular hypersensitive nerve for me, and sexualizing something that’s already creeptastic makes it even more troubling. This is why most of us don’t like to picture people we find repulsive having sex.

However, I suspect I’m also buying into the social stigma against furries, the “let’s all make fun of the plush-fuckers because it’s easy” crap that we all seem to get away with and don’t even bother to examine. And even now, my brain is serving up all these excuses, like “But it’s icky! And you know some of them are into some really weird shit.” (because of my terrible bias I have no idea how disturbing these links actually are, but I think very, so take care) But so what? That’s their fantasy world. I don’t want to be a part of it, but do I have to go out of my way to judge it?

Shame on me and my that-just-ain’t-right-ism.

…But still, ew.