quizzical pussy

This week all of the confessions are just a little more meta than usual. Enjoy!

Last week’s FWB confession made me want to confess this: Sometimes I hope that my former FWB’s current girlfriend will leave him after the kid is born… they’re only together because she’s pregnant, and I really miss his dick…

In relation to your post on penetration. I’m a guy who enjoys the occasional “pegging” by his girlfriend. And I do not feel particularly dominated by the experience. I asked for it, the first time we did it, and it always feels like I’m perverting her, that I am, in essence, controlling and dominating and corrupting her; she never gets off on it, although she comes close. It’s not the case, though, as she quite enjoys it; this had been a fantasy of hers for almost precisely the reasons mentioned in the article – the idea of domination. So we’re both feeling like we’re dominating and corrupting the other. The more confessional part? I haven’t really told her how I feel about it because I’m pretty sure it would lessen her enjoyment of the experience that I’m still feeling in control of the situation.

I’m challenging myself to send in 1 confession a week, even if it means creating adventures just to have something to send in each week.

You’re pretty much the coolest ever.

That doctor who chopped up little girls makes me sick, but Truth: my girlfriend’s clitoris is too big for my taste. I’ve not mentioned it to her,  I definitely don’t want her to be self-conscious about it. It still weirds me out and effects my attraction level. I know part of loving someone is realizing that those details aren’t important in the big picture, but it’s a turn off anyway. And I feel bad about it.

Why don’t you go have an adventure and then tell me about it?

Anonymous confessions GO!

I just started sleeping with a boy who is submissive. I’m submissive too, and awhile ago it would have really bummed me out that he wouldn’t be interested in dominating me and I wouldn’t have been able to dominate him. But now I’m in a triadic relationship with two dominants, I get all the domination I need. And apparently this combination is really good for me, because it’s like I’ve discovered a hidden wellspring of my own dominance and last night, I dominated someone properly (as opposed to awkwardly) for the first time in my life. Certainly not as skillfully as someone with experience, but definitely with passion and commitment. And I loved it!

My first boyfriend and I started dating when we were 14, and we dated until we were 21 when we finally broke up. His parents never gave him the sex talk and he had no idea about girls’ bodies, he learned it all from me. Somewhere along the line, he got the idea that girls hardly ever poop, and when they do they are very tiny little “rabbit turds”. I thought this was hilarious, so for the six years we were dating (we never lived together) I kind of encouraged this belief. We broke up, and he ended up in another relationship. They went on vacation together, and a few days into the vacation I got a text message from him (after months of no contact) that just said “YOU LIED ABOUT THE POOP!” I feel kind of bad for this poor girl who had to deal with a 22 year old who didn’t know girls pooped, but on the other hand I still laugh my ass off thinking about it.

I’m seriously glad that I wasn’t drinking anything when this confession first came in, because I would need a new keyboard from the eruption of spit/laughter combo.

Had my first threesome tonight. I double teamed one of my old friends with benefits with her new husband. Not too sure how I feel about it. It was fun, and all about trying new things, but I’m not sure if I want it to be a more than a one time thing. I’m all for trying new things, and I did without crossing any of my lines but there is some stuff I’m not particularly interested in doing again. It’s not a matter of disgust or anything, more of a blah, boring, does nothing for me kind of thing. Anyway, I think a good time was had by all but if it happens again I’ll have to explain that there are some things that really don’t do it for me, that I’m just not interested in.

I recently got out of an abusive relationship with a girl. Now, I’m on a new relationship with a new girlfriend and we love each other dearly. However, I get the feeling lesbian sex makes her feel guilty or something. she isn’t too comfortable with her own sexuality and she’s pretty insecure about herself. We rarely ever have sex because of that. Though I hate to admit it, I now often find myself fantasizing with the kind of violent sex my ex and I used to have in which she would humiliate me and completely dominate me. I’m furious at myself for this.

I hate it when people talk about sex. Not out of a sense of modesty, but because my friends keep turning out to be kinky or bisexual or poly, just like I am. I want to be the most decadent person in the room.

Do you have secrets? Sure you do. Send them in– anonymously!– here.

Tuesday brings anonymous confessions as surely as June showers bring tornadoes. But anonymous confessions are way better unless I end up in Oz.

I keep a list of everyone I’ve ever fucked. Multi-year partners and one-night stands. It’s just their names, no details, no contact information. So far there are 18 entries. 5 have no last names. 1 has no first or last name. I’m not sure why I keep this list, or if it’s creepy.

I’m going with “not creepy”. If you had a spreadsheet with full names, current addresses, and mothers’ maiden names, that would be creepy. Come to think of it, though, I kind of keep a list myself, so my opinion might not count.

my boyfriend claims to have low sex drive and hardly ever has sex with me. Hmm. He spends an awful lot of time looking at nekkid women on the internet when I’m not around, though. Am I crazy to feel jealous? Clearly I’m inadequate. I’ve never had a man make me doubt my attractiveness before.

You’re not crazy to feel jealous. I think it’s usually silly when women feel threatened by chicks in porn, but when you’re not getting any sex it’s really easy to resent the fact that your guy is essentially being more sexual with strangers than he is with you. I don’t have any advice, and I wish I did, but I would feel exactly the same.

My first real life sexual experience was a full blown BDSM scene with a guy 20 years older then me I met on the internet. I was tied, gagged, blindfolded, beat to shit, fucked in the ass, beat some more then finally lost my “real” virginity before he pulled out and came in my mouth (which made me gag). It was awesome.

As a feminist, lesbian etc… I would have never watched the aforementioned “anal golf ball” porn, but found it super arousing…So much for studying for finals.

Have a confession that you’re dying to tell someone? Pick me! I’ll post it anonymously for you.

I knew you guys had more crazy confessions! Want proof? Here are some I’ve received in the last week (with one of my own slipped in). I once again have some in reserve, so if yours didn’t post today you’ll definitely see it in the coming weeks.

When my (now husband) and I started dating the idea that he was my first “real boyfriend” made him really uncomfortable- he always figured that I couldn’t know if I really liked him if I didn’t have anything to compare him to. To console him I told him that I had always been so busy I just had a bunch of fuck buddies instead of boyfriends- except that I only had one lover before him (who was 20 years my senior). Amazingly, this made him feel much better. But now, I have to remember that damn made up number, cause every so often he’ll ask a question about my “past”.

A guy who had a crush on me once told me he wanted to fuck me sweetly with my own cane (which I use for, like, walking), and I thought that was kind of a darling and intriguing concept. Too bad I wasn’t attracted to him in the least and his kisses felt roughly like a blobfish looks.

On a scale of one to obvious, one being obvious and obvious being really fucking obvious, how obvious is it that I wrote this one?

I’m newly married. And the sex with my husband is incredibly boring. And I’m terrified that I will never have awesome sex.

I bought an eroscillator – one of the deluxe packages with the powerful motor and all – and it just doesn’t do anything for me. I kind of feel like I’m blaspheming the ultimate Dr. Ruth endorsed toy of wonders every time I use my three year old magic wand instead.

Just so you know, internet anonymity may be the only thing saving you from getting clubbed like a baby seal and having your eroscillator wrested from your toy chest. Not because of any blasphemy or anything, just because I really want one and now I know you’re not using yours.

…

Got a sex secret or three? Let them fly away into the internet and be free! No one will know it was you… unless of course you’re me, apparently. But I’m confident you’re not, so have at it!

When I was dating Aldo Melastophilus we always used to see each other on Tuesday evenings because I could get out of work at a non-obscene time that day and he didn’t have class. At some point he started calling Tuesday the “king of days”, which was pretty endearing, and for some reason it stuck with me. I think that with ConTuesday, the king is back.

Oh, and speaking of ConTuesdays, here are some anonymous confessions fresh from the internet!

My boyfriend went on a really special vacation recently — it was to celebrate his birthday, and he paid my entire way. While there, I made out with a man on the street in front of the place we were renting. My boyfriend was upstairs, very drunk and sick. I feel like a shit; I don’t know why I did it.

I frown on the abuse of women, but the porn I like basically involves women being degraded. Otherwise it’s blah. There was this one porn clip I had once where a dude is stuffing golf balls in one girl’s butt and she has to pop them out into another girls mouth, and the man kept calling them bitches and said “we have to make par on this one”, and it made me cum so hard every time. I lost the clip when my hard drive crashed and I miss it. I’m a girl, by the way.

When I meet a man I’m attracted to I don’t usually fantasize about having sex (penis, meet vagina) with him. I do, however, become obsessed with thoughts of sucking his dick.

I want to get really serious for a minute, bitches. As you might have noticed, I only got three confessions this week. Are we running out of deep, dark secrets or what? I just refuse to believe that. I know you have some really horrible things to tell me. Post them anonymously here. We have to make par on this one.

This may be hard to believe, but I try not to be a jerk about other peoples’ religious beliefs, or their political beliefs, for that matter. Just because I disagree with someone doesn’t make her/him a moron, an idiot, or a worse or less valuable person. In fact, I seek to respect and learn from the opinions of others. I think that in general people want freedom, equality, safety, and to do the right thing to the best of their ability. Because there’s no easy answer to how to best accomplish these things, and because there are many ways to prioritize them, people may have different views, but very rarely do you find someone whose beliefs are malicious.

At least that’s what I want to think. But then people gotta piss me off, and my good intentions suddenly aren’t worth the internet real estate they’re rendered on.

It’s May, which apparently means that lots of weddings are starting to happen. I’m going to two in the next month, in fact. Can you smell the calla lilies, the poised shotguns, the feckless optimism, the… somethings blue? I knew you could.

Anyway, my little brother recently went to a good friend’s wedding and came back with an appalling report. No, the bridesmaids didn’t have (gasp!) butch haircuts. It was way worse than that. The wedding was apparently crazy sexist, so much so that my brother, who is not a feminist crusader in the least, noticed it and was profoundly disturbed.

I’m not talking about the general complaints you might hear about how marriage is an institution perpetrated by the patriarchy, or even how the act of a father “giving away” the bride in marriage is a call back to a business transaction where women were chattel and men held all the chips. What I’m talking about is something that I really didn’t realize existed in mainstream American culture anymore at all: the bride and groom agreed to entirely different things in their vows.

The main reading was the whole “Wives submit to your husbands” thing that I wish would just die already, (Can we just take Ephesians, or actually all the Paul of Tarsus stuff, out of the Bible? That’d be super.) I realize that it’s not my business to decide who gets to call the shots in someone else’s relationship, and that I should not take this personally. Maybe the bride explicitly wanted her vows to agree to being controlled. But the idealist in me finds it upsetting that two (presumably non-kinky) people would set the tone for their marriage with a religious reading about power dynamics. “Love is patient, love is kind” is hackneyed, yes, but at least it’s not appointing a mayor of the marriage right then and there. So maybe it only follows that the stated vows reflected that. I don’t know what they said verbatim, but according to what my brother told me it was probably something roughly like this:

Groom
I, _____, take you, ______, to be my wedded wife. With deepest joy I receive you into my life that together we may be one. As is Christ to His body, the church, so I will be to you a loving and faithful husband. Always will I perform my headship over you even as Christ does over me, knowing that His Lordship is one of the holiest desires for my life. I promise you my deepest love, my fullest devotion, my tenderest care. I promise I will live first unto God rather than others or even you. I promise that I will lead our lives into a life of faith and hope in Christ Jesus. Ever honoring God’s guidance by His spirit through the Word, And so throughout life, no matter what may lie ahead of us, I pledge to you my life as a loving and faithful husband.

Bride
I, _____, take you, ______, to be my wedded husband. With deepest joy I come into my new life with you. As you have pledged to me your life and love, so I too happily give you my life, and in confidence submit myself to your headship as to the Lord. As is the church in her relationship to Christ, so I will be to you. _____, I will live first unto our God and then unto you, loving you, obeying you, caring for you and ever seeking to please you. God has prepared me for you and so I will ever strengthen, help, comfort, and encourage you. Therefore, throughout life, no matter what may be ahead of us, I pledge to you my life as an obedient and faithful wife.

Notice how only one of them has to say “submit” and “obedient”? Also, “performing headship” over someone is not something I’d want to discuss in front of my parents and brand new in-laws and great aunties, if you know what I mean.

I’ve sat through many, many sermons in my life. Some of them opined that Harry Potter is a Satanic text, and some of them patiently explained that the idea of comparing a husband and his wife to Jesus and his church doesn’t explicitly state that one is better than the other, they’re just different, and hell, someone has to be in charge! But why does someone have to be in charge in a relationship? Is it because talking things over and coming to mutually agreeable conclusions wastes valuable time that could be spent praying? I mean, it’s fun to have someone in charge in bed, but I wouldn’t even agree to that permanently.

I suggest that it’s all bullshit; the Jesus/church comparison belies any claim of “separate but equal”. In the Christian faith I was raised in, Jesus is absolutely held up as superior to the church. He’s the paragon of life, for fuck’s sake, and the church is devoted to worshiping him. To say that this comparison doesn’t elevate the man over the woman in a relationship isn’t just wack, it’s wiggity wack. Ladies, if you’re going to give up that much power, at least have a safeword.

P.S. “I do” is not a safe word.

(image source)

According to Edgar Watson Howe, “The man who can keep a secret may be wise, but he is not half as wise as the man with no secrets to keep.” I’m not sure if that’s even marginally true, nor how exciting Edgar’s sex life was, but I do know that I love ConTuesday. Here, have some sex confessions!

I wish my girlfriend would fuck someone else a few times. (sounds a bit crass when put that way) We were both virgins when we first decided to share our bodies, but the problem is that she still acts like a virgin despite the couple of years that we’ve been together. It’s impossible to experiment, even dirty talk still embarrasses her, and she has no real sex drive and can’t seem to tell me when she wants sex. Coming from someone with exactly the same amount of experience this may seem presumptuous, but I really think she might change if she stopped thinking of herself in the same virginal light.

I give myself enemas all the time. Sexually. It’s awesome. I have no poop fetish, I don’t get off on the poop part, (in fact I have to fastforward past the “expulsion” scenes in enema porn) I just love the feeling of my ass being completely filled up. I wish I had a bigger enema kit so I could give myself HUGE amounts of water.

I’m in a polyamorous relationship with my wonderful fiance. We each have a couple secondary relationships that are completely above board. He thinks that this is the first time I haven’t cheated in a relationship, but he’s wrong. I’m maintaining a secret affair with a guy he really doesn’t like. My fiance would be stressed out if I told him about it because he doesn’t trust my lover, but it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker and he’d never give me an ultimatum. I could be honest. The thing is, I just love the rush of doing it in secret.

The worst part is, I know the fact I’m lying would devastate him.

Psychologists say that paraphilias often evolve from phobias, which in my case is totally true, in that lately I have been so turned on by pregnancy: the thought of getting pregnant, being pregnant — I’ve even been looking at pregnancy porn! In real life, I only want to actually have maybe two kids, but that doesn’t stop me from masturbating furiously to it.

I use the web site Nookist to keep track of my sex life, just for fun. If you go a certain length of time without updating, they send a message asking you where you’ve been. I always feel like it’s adding insult to injury – I’ve been a long time without sex, and now the internet is mocking me?! Trust me, I know I haven’t had sex in a month. I know that well.

That would be a damn depressing email to arrive in one’s inbox: “Ohai. We’ve noticed you’re not getting any. WHY NOT?”

I’d been dating a guy for about 8 months long distance. I was planning a trip to go to his place for a week over the summer. A few days before I left, my mom sat me down told me all about her bloody (seriously – she said she bled through the mattress), painful, awful virginity story to discourage my from losing my virginity… six months after I already had. I just kind of nodded and thought to myself, “Huh. Guess I’m lucky mine was good, then!” She still thinks I was “innocent” for months longer than I was.

Why don’t you send in a secret of your own?

It’s Tuesday again, and that means more anonymous secrets to share!

A friend of mine recently became engaged to his girlfriend. As I’ve gotten to know her better I’ve learned that she is very into the kink scene and he’s very vanilla. I don’t want to steal my buddy’s girl or anything, but that doesn’t mean I don’t to make her my slutty little secretary so I can spank her for all her mistakes and fuck her across my desk.

I lost my virginity, not to my sweet boyfriend of the time, but to a close friend at a party. Then I lied and told my boyfriend I had broken my hymen masturbating, before losing my “virginity” again. I felt like because I hadn’t actively said I’d date him (he kissed me and then assumed and I felt trapped until the day I ended it) that it was ok to cheat on him. I finally broke up with him after getting an additional boyfriend and girlfriend which he knew nothing about. He doesn’t know until this day I was never faithful.

There’s been a serial rapist attacking women at knifepoint on my campus over the past three weeks. Everyone’s scared. I personally hope he attacks me. I want to kill him in self-defense. I don’t know if I could do it, but I’d like to try to take him down with me.

I have two kids and a good sex life with my hubby. I have never been able to find my clitoris. Books, web sites, drawings, photos…I’m starting to think I don’t have one!! I know where it should be but I can’t find mine and I don’t think I’ve had any sensation from that location. I would die if anyone knew!!

Send me your secrets!

I have precious little tolerance for the intolerant. When people get all judgmental and sexist, racist, heterosexist, cisgenderist, vanillaist, or any one of a number of other kinds of “ist”s I haven’t made up yet, my hackles tend to raise. But then I realize that, to a point, I’m talking about the man in the mirror. Because I’m not immune to being judgmental myself, and not just against the judgmental.

You see, I’m really kind of a dick about furries.

I’ve recently learned, through the mystery-annihilating magic of multiple social networking sites, that a few of my friends and acquaintances are attending a furry convention. I’ll say it again. They are going to a furry convention.

I don’t know why, but furries are that thing for me: the thing that strikes my “that just ain’t right” reflex in that oh-so-special way, to the point that if I learn that you like to dress up as an anthropomorphic animal to get your kicks, I’m going to start thinking less of you. It’s something I’m trying to grow past, but for now it’s the truth.

I understand that not all people within furry culture consider it a sex thing. I guess for some it might just be an extension of cosplay/dressing up/costuming. Or something. But it seems like many argue that it’s not just a sex thing. Which means, correct me if I’m wrong, that it partly is.

This prejudice against furries is not sex positive, open-minded, or even rational of me. In fact, the rational side of me is happy that they’re having their fun. But at the same time, another side of me is thinking “Ew. That’s…it’s…that just ain’t right.” I definitely don’t have a particular distaste for any other costuming hobbies. I also wouldn’t have this reaction to most sexual fetishes, even though I share–as far as I know– none of them. Do you like to pee on each other? Glad you’re enjoying yourselves. You want to coat yourself in liquid latex? Have at it. Beat each other with lit sparklers while climaxing? Can I watch? Oddly enough, I think pony play is kind of cute. Weirder still, if you’re a zoophile all I really care about is that you’re not abusing your animal sex partners, and that you honor consent inasmuch as you actually can. Hell, if I eat a hamburger and you let a bull fuck you, who’s doing more harm?

But furries? That’s, inexplicably, my line. In my book, it’s just slightly less appalling than scat. Why? I don’t know!

Well, I kind of know. For some reason, animals that are too anthropomorphic have always creeped me out. Beatrix Potter and Winnie the Pooh characters are fine, but anything approaching Hanna Barbera or team mascot level distortion unsettles the hell out of me, actually gives me goosebumps. I have no idea why that is, but it’s been true for as long as I can remember. So furries work that particular hypersensitive nerve for me, and sexualizing something that’s already creeptastic makes it even more troubling. This is why most of us don’t like to picture people we find repulsive having sex.

However, I suspect I’m also buying into the social stigma against furries, the “let’s all make fun of the plush-fuckers because it’s easy” crap that we all seem to get away with and don’t even bother to examine. And even now, my brain is serving up all these excuses, like “But it’s icky! And you know some of them are into some really weird shit.” (because of my terrible bias I have no idea how disturbing these links actually are, but I think very, so take care) But so what? That’s their fantasy world. I don’t want to be a part of it, but do I have to go out of my way to judge it?

Shame on me and my that-just-ain’t-right-ism.

…But still, ew.

I love confession day! And I love portmanteaux as long as they don’t involve famous couples. Thus, ConTuesday was born! It kind of sounds like a magical day of severe bruising, no? Anyway, I have some good ones for you this week:

First off I would like to say this……..I’m one of those “curvy” women that another poster talked about and I would like to just throw this out there. Not all people are “curvy” because they eat all the time or bad food. I personally don’t eat junk food,drink a gallong of water daily, walk almost 10 miles a day, and I still have my curves. So ease off the assumptions.

I was in a relationship for seven years with my exhusband and during that time he kept telling me that he wanted me to be with another woman. I’m so confused I don’t know if it is because he brow beat me about being with one, or if I’m curious? But I could never be with another woman because of all the protesting I did with him……..

I try to catch up with girls I knew back in elementary school because I wanted to fuck them then and it still sounds like a good idea.

An old boyfriend used to go down on me during my period, not at my request. The more dark blood, and clotted tissue he swallowed the more he seemed to enjoy it. I thought it was super nasty when he said I was “feeding him”, but who’s gonna turn down oral sex. After we broke it off I don’t expect boys to do that for me. It would be super gross to ask and I didn’t even like it that much. I also know this was all part of some gross fetish he has. Even so, I can’t come up with many other things a boy could do that would make my vagina feel SO ACCEPTED.

I secretly long for the day that robots become advanced enough that I can forgo having to interact with human women and can instead buy myself a robotic girlfriend. It isn’t that I don’t like human women, I like to imagine I could download updates that would allow for free will and what not for my robotic girlfriend, but I like the idea of something (effectively) immortal ‘loving’ me with the sort of single minded devotion (I fantasise) only a robot to have. Compared to this human women seem to erratic and short-lived. My only regret would be that a robotic lover could never bear a child.

(This may or may not be comparable to my regret that I’ll never be able to bear puppies or kittens. They’re so much cuter than human babies, and the whole time they’re growing up you never have a teenager on your hands.)

I want my housemate’ girlfriend. He fucked my girlfriend whilst we were all living together. I was the bigger man about it all for a long time, but I can’t resist it any longer. I fantasise about her, and even cuddled with her in front of him one evening whilst we were all out and tripping. When next the opportunity presents itself I will seduce her and feel no remorse, she wants it, I want it. And I will feel good about it because he fucked my ex while we were together and still believes I don’t know about it. The icing on the cake is that my ex was his girlfriend’ best friend, it shattered the friendship, my relationship with her and went on to ruin a good social circle. Fuck him.

My mate and I have an Agreement we live by that is very similar to the infamous “Contract of Wifely Expectations” that feminists and vanilla people on the interwebs had conniptions over a few years back. In fact, we were inspired by reading it. We have never been happier. We don’t tell anyone about it for obvious reasons.

(The original Contract of Wifely Expectations.)

I love my fiance. I’m absolutely ecstatic that I escaped a borderline abusive relationship at the right time to luck into finding my fiance. We’re very sexually compatible – similar sex drives and kinks. I do have one regret, though. I never slept with a woman before we had sex. I’m bisexual and he’s supportive. He wants me to be able to sleep with a woman if that’s what I want, but I can’t… he has herpes. I don’t have it (yet – fingers crossed) but the woman I want to sleep with won’t sleep with me because I was honest about his herpes.

I love my boyfriend. I’m very attracted to him. Our sex life is great. I think he’s probably the only guy I could be this happy with. But he left town for a week recently, and I picked up a guy in a bar and took him home with me. I’m in my 40s, and I wanted to see if I still had it (I do, apparently). I wanted a night of anonymous sex with a new body (and it was pretty good). I wanted to prove to myself that if my boyfriend and I split up, I’ll be able to move on (the guy I picked up would have been happy to see me again, although I refused). I’m also quite convinced that my boyfriend cheated on me while he was away, and for the same reasons. I find the idea kind of hot, even though I don’t really like to think about him with another woman.

(This is some O. Henry shit right here.)

I’ve wanted to have sex with a girl with small boobs for so long that when I date a girl with a teenaged little sister I catch myself wondering what she’d look like topless. This is the case with the girl I’m currently dating, and I’ll prolly marry her. This doesn’t mean I’m going to stop hoping to see her sis’ rack.

I spent every penny my Concentration Camp Survivor grandfather left me in his will on prostitutes and pornography. Thanks, Zadie.

…There it is. Your weekly dirt. To keep ConTuesdays going, I need your secrets! Send me your anonymous confession now, and experience the glorious catharsis.