I think it’s pretty well documented that I have no idea when people are attracted to me. They actually have to not only tell me, but also have sex with me for it to (ahem) penetrate, and even then it’s dubious for me. This means that I just go around assuming no one is attracted to me until there’s overwhelming evidence to the contrary. This isn’t because I think I’m ugly, or can’t conceive of anyone finding me attractive; it just kind of doesn’t occur to me one way or the other because I’m pathologically dense about these things.
But I can usually tell at a glance when tendrils of attraction are budding between two people who both aren’t me. That’s easy. They glow neon lilac and my pinkie nails start to vibrate.
At particular times of the month, I find myself inexplicably attracted to male friends of mine who have large families. I can think of a few who are fathers of three or four, whom their adored wives look after at home, with the smallest (it comes out as ‘latest’ in my head) on their hip whilst they pack the others off to school. This is not something I want, at all, and I don’t fantasise about being in that position, nor do I have any of the more typical ‘breeding fetish’ ideals… it seems to be that my hormones just SUDDENLY direct me to be turned on by demonstrably virile men for like two days a month. I can accurately calculate my cycle by keeping a track on when these people pop up in fantasies. It’s most disconcerting.
Hormones are terrifying, dude, and I’m not just saying that because mine make me suicidal sometimes.
I knew for years that we weren’t sexually compatible, but I stayed anyway. I adored her brain. I still do adore her brain. But I’m so not into her body or sex with her, and it’s been an ongoing struggle for me–especially since she frequently professed how hot she thinks I am.
We broke up on new years day, and I feel…awesome. I feel awesome and then terrible about that, because how can I feel awesome when I broke her heart? She’s my best friend, I shouldn’t feel awesome if she feels terrible.
We were nominally poly, and the guy I’ve been seeing hasn’t made a move at all beyond kissing. I kind of suspect I’m never getting laid again. Ugh.
Oh, you’ll get laid again. My pinkie nails are going crazy just thinking about it.
I am turned on by Amy Wong, on Futurama. I want to put my mouth to that cute little bare midriff of hers, and see where things go.
Even more of a turn-on, though, is the character Nani, from Lilo & Stitch. Her strong thighs and broad hips, small breasts, wide-set eyes and non-traditional nose all get to me in ways that I shouldn’t let a cartoon affect me. I have more than once fapped hard to her image on the inside of my head.
I’m sorry your love can never be.
I went from a years-long dry spell to getting flogged and kissed and beaten and fucked and tied up and such on a regular basis, and oh my god, it’s amazing. I was all repressed and sad and lonely for so long, and now people want to have sex with me and do other stuff too! I’m so much happier and more comfortable in my skin now that it’s ridiculous. It’s making me consider going to my 10-year reunion just so I can feel smug about how great my sex life is.
Girl I have an inappropriate crush on just asked me to come to a 1920s bar with her in Marlene Dietrich drag.
This DOES mean “Get your lesbian on”, right?
THIS MEANS IT’S LESBIAN DAY! I love lesbian day.
My heterosexual partner, after several years of loving my queer, genderfuck-y self and a few days after some rounds of kinky schoolboy genderplay, told me that if I’d enjoy seeing him sexually dominate men, he’d go for it. He said that though men don’t turn him on particularly, he’d find it hot knowing I did. The kicker is that though that kind of offer can sometimes come from consent-compromised places, with him, it’s just him being open-minded and sweet. And a kinky, kinky fucker, which combines nicely with those previous attributes.
I bet I know what town you guys are from!
Hi. I’m 34 and I haven’t yet entered a sexual relationship. I haven’t kissed anyone yet. This in itself doesn’t bother me too much because looking back on it, I wasn’t ready for anything sexual in high school and probably not in college either.
The problem is I don’t really feel ready now either, and I don’t know if I ever will. This is kind of depressing for me, because I would at least try to start dating at some point. I just can’t imagine it going well if I look honestly at myself and how well I deal with other people.
Would it be best to accept that I might not be cut out for that sort of thing? I don’t really know what the line is between being realistic and being overly afraid.
I feel like you’ll be in a better position to assess whether or not you’re cut out for dating if you try it. Which isn’t to say you should force yourself into a relationship, sexual or otherwise. Reading this, it seems like you want to give dating a try, but you’re scared to. That’s understandable because no amount of readiness can alter the fact that dating can be terrifying, but it can also kick massive amounts of ass. If it’s not for you, that’s okay too. It’s totally valid to not be into dating and relationships and stuff.
At the bravery-inducing hour of four in the morning, I told my long-term boyfriend that I wanted to still be with him forty-five years from now. Based on the way he’s been talking lately, I was kind of hoping for a positive reaction, and instead got a version of “Meh”/”That’s nice”. Now I can’t decide whether that was because he was half-asleep and not paying attention (as you might expect at four in the morning), or because he was put off and didn’t know how to react. If it’s the former, I should say something to relieve this mild crushing terror… but if it’s the latter I should try to preserve as much dignity as possible and not bring it up again. This emotional vulnerability thing is turning out to be harder than I thought.
Emotional vulnerability is to me what the K-12 was to Lane in Better Off Dead: it always makes me think I’ll probably die. Here’s where you’re bogging yourself down, though (and I can recognize this not because of my pinkies but because I do it too): if your boyfriend doesn’t want to have a future with you, it’s probably a good idea for you to know that now. Dignity doesn’t mean not wanting anything from anyone; it’s knowing that you’re worth the things you want.