quizzical pussy

For my fifth birthday my aunt took me to our local metropolitan art museum. I was showing some early interest in drawing and my coloring books were usually crayoned in roughly inside the lines, so she decided it was time for me to be exposed to some real art.

We ate at a cafe nearby and she gave me a little ring with a tiny diamond chip in the center of a golden heart that now fits my pinkie. It was an amazing day to be a little girl. My aunt is pretty awesome.

Those statues and paintings at the museum were probably the first images I saw of naked people. I grew up with conservative Christian parents and had a healthy Protestant shame of my body, and it was obvious that I felt miserably guilty seeing all those body parts I was pretty sure I wasn’t supposed to know existed. And my aunt told me something that I still remember. She said, “when you really look at the human body it’s very beautiful, and there’s nothing wrong with it.” And that, to me– when I was five and so very sheltered– was revolutionary.

This story has very little to do with the point of this entry, but what I’m trying to say is that I like art. I even have a small but personally rewarding degree of ability when it comes to two-dimensional art. But, while I hate to admit this because it’s such an abominable stereotype that women suck with three-dimensional space, I totally suck at three-dimensional space. I have a few friends who do amazing things with ceramics and metal and such, and I just stare in wonder as if they’re holding wands and muttering pseudo-Latin Harry Potter pastiche, because it’s so far beyond me.

In fact, if you give me clay I will make a sad-looking dinosaur. Pretty much every time.

And when three-dimensional art and orgasms combine, what can I say about it but HALE to the YES.

This is how woodgasms are born.

Which brings us to our point. Epiphora, one of the best sex toy reviewers ever, period, is teaming up with pleasure boutique SheVibe to give away an amazing NobEssence piece of fuckable art.

I’ve never had the privilege to use a NobEssence toy, but they are a gorgeous line of hard wood toys that, if they feel half as good as they look, might as well all have Phoenix feather and Unicorn hair cores because they are absolutely fantastical.

A few amazingly cool features of the Woodgasm giveaway:

1. There are a lot of ways to enter. Most of them disturbingly easy! In fact, I’m entering it right now, if you know what I mean.
2. This isn’t just any giveaway. This is a customized giveaway. You get to CHOOSE which creation you want from SheVibe’s entire NobEssence collection! You’ve got beautiful dildos, butt plugs, cock rings, and more to pick from.
3. If you win, you are going to feel so fucking classy putting that elegant woodgrain museum piece inside you.
4. There’s still time for you to get in on the twitter trivia party tonight, for extra chances to win!
5. I just want to use the term “fuckable art” again.

So what are you waiting for? Go enter!

(first image, second image source)