quizzical pussy

If you read this blog and haven’t yet realized that I’m sort of a geek, I find your naivete both charming and worrisome. I’m not claiming to be geeky in any useful or entertaining sense: I’m not working on a new app for your iPhone or anything, and I’ve gnawed through the necks of zero chickens so far, but I like sci fi and video games and nobody talked to me in high school, so I guess that’s what’s important here.

And considering I’m a geeky girl who can remember any part of the late eighties/early nineties, you sure as hell know I wanted to fuck Data. You know, Lieutenant Commander Data of the Starship Enterprise, from Star Trek: The Next Generation… the pasty, stoic android with a heart of gold (proverbially speaking). I don’t know what it was about him, but I think most little girls who grew up on TNG grew up wanting to get on Data (or maybe it was just me, but I cherish my delusions). Maybe it was because he was childlike yet adult, so we could relate to him but also perceive him as a sexually mature male. Maybe it was the Pinocchio pathos of his whole story arc. Anyway, when I was a wee lass I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted to do with Data, but I certainly knew I wanted him, especially when he dressed up as Sherlock Holmes. I’m wet as October just thinking about it.

That early crush may be a contributing factor in the lust I later developed for the replicant cyborg Bryan Fury from the Tekken games. I even wrote a series of haiku for Bryan. Among them:

Cyborgs are machines!
I like to grab your joystick
It’s just two quarters

I also had ravenous crushes on Tasha Yar, Geordi LaForge, and Beverly Crusher, whom I credit with my later interest in chicks with short hair, literature, and… er… blinky scanner thingies, respectively. I’d probably still pine for Jean-Luc Picard to this day if I didn’t identify with him so strongly. I’m really a bald, French, male starship commander with an English accent trapped in a woman’s body, you know.

But I have to admit that I haven’t watched much TNG since I was a kid, so when Laramy asked me, “You’ve seen the episode where Yar and Data fuck, right?” I was like “Whaaaaaa?” because while I’m sure I saw it back in the eighties, I’m also positive that I had nothing approaching any concept of what was going on in sex scenes until circa 1993.

So, of course, we had to watch The Naked Now, like, now. While naked. Just kidding. Although we probably should’ve thought of that.

In The Naked Now, the crew of the Enterprise is infected by some exotic water molecules, which pick up carbon from their bodies and somehow produce dramatic intoxication, rendering everyone completely uninhibited and wacky. This was the second episode ever of TNG, and in it they had basically everyone break character, which is an odd choice for so early in their development. But anyway, all you have to know is that Tasha Yar seduces Data (whom we learn is fully functional and programmed in multiple techniques, a wide variety of pleasuring), but she wasn’t in her right mind so we the audience aren’t obligated to think she’s a slut. What the fuck is that, anyway? The only time this character can exhibit sexual agency is when she has zero personal agency? That’s super weak. Tasha had every right to keep boning like mad until she got killed by that evil blob guy.

I explained as we were watching that I used to want to lick Data like a 9-volt battery, and Laramy suggested I fulfill the old fantasy: all I’d need is a white dildo with a subtle shimmer.

…

That’s when it hit me. That dildo already exists. I’ve been making fun of it for months! Sweet William H. Macy on a stick!

Have you seen this? It’s called the Vamp. Toymaker Tantus thought it would be a good idea to capitalize on the Twilight series mania, and made a dildo that was pale, shimmery, and retains temperature. Put it in the fridge for a couple hours and bingo, you’re fucking Edward fucking Cullen. But it occurred to me that this novelty dildo was perfect for fucking Data, too. I’m sorry I ever doubted you, Tantus.

And really, isn’t the super creepy, controlling vampire heartthrob that has captured the hearts of repressed, immature females everywhere actually just a poor woman’s Data? I trudged through part of the first Twilight book before it put me off my feed, so I know what I’m talking about here: Edward Cullen is cave creature-pale, has yellowish eyes, isn’t quite human, has superpowers, and uses unwieldy diction. Sure the details are different: Data has more awesome, less emo powers like logic and speed reading against Edward’s preternatural moping and mind reading. But really, the major difference between them is that Data doesn’t suck, and he doesn’t hesitate to pleasure (with wide variety) a lady when she asks nicely. Now that’s a character truly deserving of his own dildo.  Plus, he isn’t profoundly troubling like some other pasty anthropomorphs I might mention. Could everyone please stop teaching young girls to fetishize abusive relationships? Eschew trashy supernatural abstinence porn, kiddies, and embrace the high tech lechery of science fiction.

Now, to order a Vamp and emblazon the Starfleet logo on the bottom. Oh, my delicious android: I’ve waited far too long.