quizzical pussy

It seems to me that virginity is one of those things that you pretty much get to define for yourself, like cheating or happiness. Other people, institutions, even laws may have their opinions, but when you break it down enough any definition of virginity seems arbitrary at best. Virginity is so confusing that some people don’t seem to know whether they’re talking about it or not.

I’m about to don my pedantry hat for a minute. Also my seldom seen, but very jaunty, theology hat. You’ve been warned. Immaculate Conception doesn’t mean what most people think it means. In common use, it’s become confused with virgin birth and used synonymously, but it’s never meant “conceiving a child while one is a virgin”. Immaculate Conception is an explanation by the Catholic Church going back to the year Way Long Ago A.D. as to why Mary (the mother of Jesus Christ) was good enough to carry and bear God’s son¹. They decided that Mary, unlike regular non-god-bearing people, had been conceived without original sin (a legacy from Adam and Eve) and was thus pure, immaculate. Later Mary conceived a baby while she was a virgin² and gave birth, but her Immaculate Conception was only a distant prelude to that virgin birth, and has very little to do with virginity whatsoever.

My personal theory is that people use the wrong term because it sounds fancier. People are suckers for fancy. Hold on for a second. Removing hats.

There. That’s better. Where was I? Oh, virginity. I don’t know what the fuck a virgin is. I don’t really know when I was one. My hymen broke twice, but neither of those were the first time I had an orgasm from someone penetrating me. And then it was still two years before I had a dick inside me. Except my mouth. Are we counting my mouth? Suffice to say I lost my virginity, if it was even a thing, but at this point I don’t really know or care when.

But when Laramy commented the other day that he’s never fucked a virgin, I’m almost positive he meant someone who’s never had penis-in-vagina intercourse. That seems to be the most common definition, although I can only imagine how gold star lesbians feel about that. Anyway, he’s mentioned it before.

“Is that one of your goals?” I asked him, curious, but smelling trouble from where I sat. Now, at our age virgins are getting a bit thin on the ground, so it wouldn’t be terribly easy to find one without actively hunting. And a casual, drama-free deflowering with one older, experienced partner who already has a girlfriend and one partner who doesn’t remember that pogs were once a thing can happen, of course. But it feels like it would be asking a lot of the universe.

“It’s not something I’m actively looking for, but it might be interesting.” One interesting thing about Laramy is that he says this about virtually all forms of heterosexual sex he’s not having at that precise moment.

“If you’re that interested, I’ll just get one of those fake hymens³,” I shrugged.

“That’s a thing!?”

Of course it’s a thing! Because sadly, some people still buy into one of the weirdest definitions of virginity: the intact hymen. And there are still places in the world where a woman’s future might depend on her ability to fake that, whether she’s a virgin by any other definition or not.

But I guess it could be a sex toy too. If you’re not too cautious with your mucous membranes.

(image source)

1. The later Protestant explanation is that she quite simply wasn’t, just like no one on Earth was good enough for a god to die for. This is probably why it took a Protestant to write “Amazing Grace”. [↩]
2. Or as a young, unmarried woman, depending on how you like to translate ancient texts. [↩]
3. Just for the record, I was in no way serious. I have no idea what’s in those things, but I can guess it’s not all medical grade silicone and hypoallergenic red lube. [↩]

When I think of things I’ve wanted my entire life, the word “adventure” seems to come up a lot. I think deep down I’ve always wanted to captain a pirate ship in a sea populated by mermaids and monsters.

I used to define the perfect partner as someone who wanted to have adventures with me, and who made them better just being a part of them.

Now, generally, having a small fraction of the energy a healthy person has, it’s hard for me to get too ambitious and exotic. I have to carefully ration energy for everything I do. But trying something new is pretty much always, always worth the drain.

It does not hurt if there are orgasms involved.

I spent last night making out with and tickle-fighting my gay best friend and a mutual female friend (who, like me, IDs as straight). It was my first threeway play and my first time kissing another woman, and it was awesome! Not horny or romantic, just all friendsy and fun and biting and tickling and kissing. His housemates had to have heard us shrieking.

This is exactly how I imagine mermaids behaving. Yar.

My boyfriend loves my ass. I’ve never delved much into anal play before him, but I’m enjoying it… or maybe it’s the multiple orgasms he gives me before the anal play, which certainly eliminate any chance of tensing up.

Sometimes, while he’s got me bent over, he’ll reach into the Fun Drawer for some lube and start playing while he’s fucking me.

Last night, after a session of that, he turned to me and said ”It was just there, and it looked so good….”

I of course responded with ”So, you’re saying that my ass is like Everest?”

I think I love you. Because you’re awesome.

So I am a 21-year-old, relatively good-looking, frighteningly-intelligent, incredibly boring male, to the extent that I’ve never managed to keep a girlfriend interested for more than 3 months. Nor have I managed to get laid with a girlfriend, girl at a party, etc.

(It’s not that I can’t converse for hours on end about almost any subject. I’m just quite apathetic about almost everything.)

Instead, my entire sexual history consists of 2 visits to a bordello in Berlin.

The first time was… okay. While the prostitute was really nice (and gorgeous), I had no clue what I was doing. In addition, being significantly larger than the average male, the normal-size condom was cutting off my circulation something fierce, and I just couldn’t stay hard. All in all, I exhausted myself pounding away for an hour and a half.

Yesterday, I visited again. Much better. I specifically asked for a magnum condom right off the bat–she waffled around a bit, the whole ”you’ll be fine with a normal,” at which point I mentioned that I’m 8.5”. She got one.

Also, she was REALLY horny. As in, soaking when she stripped her panties off. We started off with mutual oral, and she stopped several times because I was somehow actually getting her off! She kindly thanked me for my consideration.

We did the typical missionary, doggy, and her-on-top missionary, and during the lattermost I managed to bring her off twice more (NOTHING feels better than a woman cumming around your penis), and ended up with a lake on my stomach from her enthusiasm! Sadly, my staying power–who’s heard of a noob who doesn’t shoot off at the drop of a hat?–meant that I didn’t cum before the hour and a half was up. I played it off as ”yeah, I usually go for hours on end. No worries!”

I found that interesting. Maybe if you choose to date in future you could lead with that? On second thought, that might be more of a third date conversation…

She spontaneously put her finger in my ass, and I liked it some, despite my faint inate phobias. But it rubbed it raw. To do this again, I’m going to have to ask her to use lube or even a device or gloves. And that’s just planning out anal exploration a bit more than I think that I can openly do, and still be a straight man.

Yes, I’m completely aware of how stupid this sounds.

You don’t sound stupid. You sound scared. And with the tons of shame piled on guys if they don’t adhere to demoralizingly rigid standards, it’s not surprising.

But pretty near every man alive has a prostate. So don’t think for a second that you’re alone.

Have adventures to brag about? You know I want them.

Beware them! They’ll kill your tyrants dead.

On a totally related note, I’ve arranged some sexy secrets for your reading enjoyment.

I’m having an affair. He’s 8 years younger and I’m only the second girl he’s ever been with. He’s so excited to be with me. He’s willing to try anything and really loves turning me on. I’ve had sex with him more times this year than I have with my husband.

Evidence I’m currently living in a little nonmonogamy cocoon: My first reaction to this was “If you tell your husband about that, maybe he’d step up the frequency a little. A bit of friendly competition!” Someone remind me how affairs work?

I love that, when I click ”send” after I type a confession, that the ”Ohhh, that’s a good one” message pops up. I always think ”I know, right?”.

It’s so nice when someone appreciates the little things.

I harshly judge everyone that has sex. I’m a virgin, by choice, and I think it’s disgusting for everyone else to have sex but me. If you have a threesome, you’re a sleezer, if you are a lesbian, you’re a skeezer, if you cheat on your partner, you’re a dog, if you have an ’open relationship’, you’re just keeping a good person from finding someone better than YOU. If you’ve ever had an STD, please die. If you’re a gay man, you’re great. I don’t judge you at all. I absolutely judge everyone. And the sad part is that I DON’T feel bad at all. I think that everyone is disgusting, and that I’m the only person left in the world with morals. :D.

I’m losing my virginity tonight to my boyfriend of six years. [:.

Um. I just… what… I just don’t even know… Okay, if you’re not trolling, I advise you to work out these severe issues you have about sex, but part of me still wants to tell you I hope you had a good time. Because I’m a skeezer, and that’s what I do.

Early this morning, I squirted more than I’ve ever squirted in my entire life. It felt like there was a river pouring out from between my legs. Some of it was even in a majestic spray-type deal like how ladies in porn always seem to get off.

Once I was satiated, I then realized that half of my bed was soaked. Through the bedding, through the sheets, THROUGH THE MATTRESS INTO THE FRAME. I ended up having to take the driest of the bedding and sleeping on it because I was so tired. The moral of this story is to get a towel or three before going like Ol’ Faithful.

There have been times when I’ve really wished my bed was equipped with rubber sheets. But damn, it’s been a while…

I am a woman, and I like being a woman, and I like fucking men.
But my biggest fantasy is to have sex like a man once. Not that sex with my body is unpleasant, but just to imagine the feeling when I enter someone else with my dick… drives me crazy.
I plan to find out if strap-ons come anywhere near it soon :-)

I relate to this so hard! To the point where just reading that revs me up a bit. I’m pretty okay being female-bodied, but I fantasize a lot about having a cock. And, you know, wielding it. And, you know, sheathing it. But not only once. Ever so much more than once.

Mmmmmmm. Confess amongst yourselves.

Happy Tuesday, people of the internet! You know what I love reading about? Other people’s sex lives. In fact, let’s do that now, shall we?

Just before I start masturbating, I sneeze. Twice. This used to happen only when I was thinking about other women, but now it has spread to all my other fantasies aswell. I’m stumped as to why. My roommate found out about this, and so now every time either of us gets the sniffles, gales of uproarious laughter are sure to follow.

This is most singular and astounding. And I hope there’s no such thing as sex poker because basically, you’d lose.

A few days ago I was at work, working with one of my male co-workers. He was holding an animal that was being none too cooperative. At one point we were both crouched over the animal and he said, in a huskey/gravely, almost whisper ”Shut the fuck up”. What he said, how he said it, and the fact that we were so close he nearly whispered it right in my ear, instantly made me think very naughty things. Now I can’t stop imagining him whispering ”Shut the fuck up” in my ear, from behind, his hand wrapped in my hair, pushing me up against a wall ……No chance it’ll ever happen but, Wow.

I hope it’s not weird that I’m fantasizing about your coworker now too.

I’m not entirely sure if I’m experiencing female ejaculation or wetting myself when I orgasm. I mean, its clear and doesn’t smell like piss, but I stay hydrated enough to pee clear.

If you don’t generally have incontinence problems and the liquid is accompanying orgasms, it’s pretty safe to see you’re ejaculating. But if you really want to remove all doubt, take a cheap-ass vitamin B complex supplement a couple hours before playtime. If the liquid that comes out isn’t neon yellow, welcome to the sisterhood of squirters!

I was diagnosed with chlamydia today. The thought of telling past lovers is making me feel sicker than the antibiotics did.

I feel for you. That experience has to suck. Is there not a service that does this sort of thing for you anonymously? Because there really should be.

In anticipation of losing my virginity with my lady friend this week, I completely shaved my pubes, balls, and butt today. Previously I had only kept my hair trim with shears. Ho-lee shit, it feels amazing. I never thought that shaving my bits would make me feel so sexy and smooth.I can’t wait to show it off :D

Yay! I’m glad you felt so great and sexy your first time. How was it? How did your lady friend like your groomed look?

Do you have wondrous, strange, or kinky things which should not be uttered? Don’t utter; type.

ConTuesday is here! Let’s begin.

My current boyfriend is the first one ever that I haven’t cheated on.

You’re either growing as a person or your boyfriend is one sexy man. Maybe both. Sweet!

I’d rather fuck someone on a first date than blow them. I always freak out the first time I go down on a guy and I know panic attacks aren’t sexy. I have no such problem with women.

Having to go around the bases in order is boring anyway.

I’m the newly-married-certainly-not-a-

virgin-anymore!

To say sex is amazing would be insulting to sex! I think my head has blown off a couple times, hehe.

I did end up with a bruised cervix after 3+ times a day honeymoon sex, that wasn’t fun. Even now, most positions are a tad painful, boo. It’s still awesome though.

Yay for sex! :)

Congratulations! I think you’re the fourth confessor from this ConTuesday. I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself, and yeah, bruised cervices are super ouchy.

My stepdad is all happy because I’ve been watching football with him lately. Little does he know that I’m spending most of the time fantasizing about being gang-raped by a team of football players!

I think the bonding probably goes a little smoother that way.

I’m happily in a committed relationship with a girl I’ve asked to marry me. Now, I know that they say the sex stops once the ring’s on her finger, but her drive is strong enough that I’m not worried about that.

Thing is, I’m not usually much on going down on her. And as I think most ladies would agree, that’s high on the list of ”Yes please!”
I just can’t get into it.. unless I take my Ambien. Then I turn into an oral monster, going to town on her while experiencing what feels like a one sided opera argument in my head.

When I was done, she was unable to move and told me it’d actually hurt to come again. Anyone else have this sort of experience mixing hallucinogenic sleep aides and sex?

Aaaaaand I’m off to the pharmacy. Check you guys later.

Hit me with your best secret.

ConTuesday is upon us! Read on for anonymous confessions from denizens of the internet.

My partner and I have been together for almost three years (our anniversary is in a few days) and have been experimenting with opening our relationship in various ways in the past year and a half. Yesterday, I found out he broke several of the rules of our ”open arrangement” and then lied to me about it–I feel really hurt and betrayed by this dishonesty, and I feel like I was cheated on.However, I’m really afraid to talk to any of my friends about this, because I feel like people will blame the nature of our relationship (”Oh, open relationships never work, etc.”), even people who knew about it already or who we’ve fooled around with before. I feel like putting the blame on open relationships in general shifts it from where it belongs–on my partner, for lying.Mostly, though, I just feel really horribly upset and isolated and alone.

I think I’d feel exactly the same way. Violating your negotiated rules was cheating. It just sounds like it wasn’t the kind of cheating your friends would understand, which indeed sucks.

He drove over 90 miles to have sex with me and at the time I was mildly flattered but not overwhelmed or anything, now he has a girlfriend and purely because of this he’s the only thing I can think about. The harder I am ignored the more I am determined to get my own way.

So unavailability is sexy again? I can’t keep up. Very well! None of you may have me!*

I had an ex who used to drink red wine and smoke when we got together. I loved the way it made her smell and taste. I’m not a smoker, but the combination made her taste like vice, like sin, like a bad habit. Made the sex that much better.

I’m turned on by beer breath, for some reason. I don’t think it’s an association thing so much as the fact that beer smells yummy.

The idea of him watching me masturbate and getting turned on by it turns me on, but I don’t have the guts to actually do it much less ask to watch him, the idea of which also turns me on.

Asking for things is a skill, and it’s worth learning. Do as I say; not as I do.

I’m in a fantastic, loving and highly sexual relationship for really the first time. I’m so, incredibly happy, but my family is dedicated to the idea that I’m a sweet, innocent virgin – and I’m stuck lying about my weekend whereabouts, hiding my interest in sex (for example, your blog), and of course hiding my condoms. I just wish my happiness was enough for everyone else!

It’s awesome that you’re having so much fun! Sometimes families just don’t get it. Maybe yours will eventually, maybe not. But I wouldn’t (and don’t) let that stop me.

Do you have something to share? Right here, champ.

*Is it working?

Since the time of my childhood I’ve heard tales of a magical land called Marriage. In Marriage, everyone has to agree on dinner and gets a state-sponsored tandem bike, as I understand it. The national bird is the redding wing and people speak Grownup. It sounds like a fascinating place. These people probably know more about it than I do.

My wife and I have friends over for football games – we root for our team by her having sex with everyone through the whole game. I really enjoy it. Amazingly, the better she is, the better our team seems to do… Hope we can get them to the Superbowl…

In Marriage, football sounds a lot more exciting and fun than it is over here on Earth.

When my wife was pregnant, her libido took a serious vacation. One night, I woke up so horny that I jizzed on her butt. I don’t know if she noticed or not. She never said anything about it.

There are probably no words in Grownup to describe what happened that night.

I’m totally into kink, and definitely an active and forthright member of the kink scene. I have never explored my deepest kinks, though, because I think they’re too boring. I want to be touched and fucked while pretending to be asleep, or even just doing something else. It seems too tame to be fun for the other person, and I’m scared to even ask for it! I’d rather beat someone/be beaten and feel pro-active!

Hey, this is just an idea but have you considered moving to Marriage? (see above)

I’m getting married this weekend and I’m a virgin. I can’t decide if I’m more nervous, scared or excited.

Congratulations! How did it go? Is sex awesome (for you; I already know my answer…)? Do you like your new bike?

My wife and I have a closed relationship. She has told me in no uncertain terms that my fantasy of having a FFM threesome with her is NEVER going to happen. When we saw these pictures together, she commented, ”She’s so very thin.” After a brief silence, she continued, ”She has a beautiful body.” That made me so horny! Often, she’ll admit to attraction to women, and it always turns me on. BTW, she reads this blog, and I know that she’ll read this and know it’s me. So, this is only so anonymous…

Oh, the often frustrating difference between someone finding someone else attractive/beautiful/etc. and wanting to do something about it! But if it feeds your fantasies without raising your actual expectations, sounds like good, clean fun to me. Keep in mind, though, that I am from Earth, and your Marriage ways are strange to me.

Confess your sex secrets here!

Why do unicorns like virgins so much? That’s just something to think about. If you figure it out, let me know. In the meantime, here are some anonymous confessions to read:

I get ridiculously turned on reading about the female reproductive anatomy, especially the vulva, vagina, and cervix. Somehow the words are completely and totally linked up to memories of what the body parts actually feel like during sex/masturbation. Reading about the bulbs of the vestibule just makes me wanna give it to myself, hardcore.

The word “cervix” makes me cringe a little for a very similar reason. It’s linked to memories of pelvic exams and penises accidentally mashing into it. But I’m with you on the others, but more when people actually say them. Hot.

I’ve only fucked virgins, and I’m horribly afraid I’m not doing sex right.

If they’re having a good time you certainly aren’t doing it wrong! Anyway, if you stick around for a while, your partner will get more and more experienced even if he or she started out a virgin, and will be able to give more meaningful feedback. Hopefully.

I just had the best, most awesome, weirdest, most unusual sex dream I’ve ever had.
I was having a generic, run-of-the-mill sex dream about a coworker, who had me chained up and was shoving things into my vagina. When he suddenly sprouted a giant mustache, and began to blow raspberries- you know, purse your lips together and buzz? Bzzzzz…
Next, he’s vibrating into my vagina, and I swear to god, I could feel it buzzing. It was astounding. In my dreams, I never really feel sensations like hot or cold or pain, and pleasure is kind of a dull remembrance of what it’s supposed to feel like. But this was AMAZING. I have never felt anything like it. Oh my god.
Then suddenly, a wave of warm water splashes over me in the dream, and I woke up. I sat up and thought to myself “Did I just orgasm?” And I think I did.

Zerberting someone’s pussy is actually a pretty brilliant idea! I like to think that Cliff Huxtable did this to Clair all the time. Awesome dream.

In reference to that guy whose wife thought a threesome might be fun, but who couldn’t think of a way to bring it about: I’m a hot bisexual woman who would love to be some couple’s third. I’d be totally into it. Thing is, I’m currently in a monogamous relationship with a man who I really love and who I’m sexually attracted to, and he wouldn’t be into my being a third with another couple at all. Dan Savage keeps saying that a bisexual woman who’s attractive and wants to play around with another woman (and who loves porn) is almost every straight man’s dream, but my man feels threatened by my orientation and my frank love of porn. Bah.

Being the unicorn in a threesome is totally a fantasy of mine too. In my experience, too many guys are too possessive or insecure to appreciate a horny bisexual chick. I finally found one who does, but he is literally the only man I’ve ever dated who’s been comfortable with it.

Confess your secrets! Keeping them locked up in your head isn’t healthy.

I remember a time when I was mortified to buy tampons. This was before self-checkout was widespread, and there were no real ways to work around that slow, petrified slog up to the register to hand the cashier unassailable evidence that I had a vagina, and that stuff came out of it.

Then I got over it, laughed at myself, and was afraid to buy condoms and spermicide products. When I filled my prescription for birth control I could tell myself a little story about how I was really on it to regulate my periods so this wasn’t about sex, even though it had this amazing side effect of greatly reducing my risk of pregnancy! But the condoms, the contraceptive eggs: those decisively pointed to the fact that stuff also went in my vagina, and that I was doing everything I could to facilitate the process.

But after you’ve bought condoms enough dozen times that wears off too, and the scariness goes out of the adventure. You don’t have to buy other stuff to buffer the potential shock a cashier might have, thinking that maybe you’re going to leave that store and go have sex immediately, forsooth! You don’t have to avoid the male-manned registers in fear of leering smiles. You just don’t care anymore, unless they happen to not have your favorite brand in stock.

My last hold-out was lube. For a while there, I could buy almost anything without a blink, save lube. See, I usually only use lube for anal play/sex, so there’s an extra stat boost in transgression that a cashier might judge you like really harshly, and oh wait, they don’t fucking care what I buy!

I think it’s part of growing up to realize that it’s not that big a deal to buy any product in a store that routinely stocks it.

Have you ever played “I’ve Never…”? If not, you have to take a drink now because that’s how the game works.

And oh, here are some anonymous internet confessions that may be related…

I’m a 25-year-old male virgin, and I’ve seriously considered hiring a prostitute to change that. The strange thing is that I know that it would not be particularly difficult for me to put myself out there and get laid the way everyone else does, but hiring a professional is oddly appealing to me. Perhaps because there is much less risk of rejection? I think it’s more complicated than that, but I may be rationalizing. The decision has been a source of some anxiety for me lately.

I’ve never received oral sex. I’ve been in one relationship and my gf just was never into the idea of it enough to give it a try. She’s my ex now and after we split, I started testosterone to make a gender transition. I love what testosterone has done for my genitals. They feel and act like my brain says they’re supposed to. It makes me want oral more than ever. But I don’t know how to explain my anatomy and I worry that I’ll never get someone to go down on me b/c what I’ve got is unusual. I think it’s quite sexy myself, but I’m aware there’s a lot of myth and prejudice floating around about trans bodies, and orientation and kinkiness (or lack thereof) don’t seem to make a difference in the level of transphobic BS. Worse than that, I’m afraid that getting a blowjob is somehow going to make me dissatisfied with my cock, either because my size will compromise the experience or because my partner says or does something interpetable as dislike or pity. I don’t want pity. I want someone who’s as into my cock as I am. I don’t know how to find that and I sorta think that admitting how good I feel about myself will come off as crass because it’s cliche that men are all about their dicks, right? And no one wants to hear about that. But I really, really, really want a blowjob!

Sounds like you’re proud of your body without being a narcissist, which is sexy. And chicks like me abound, and we love giving blowjobs to sexy guys. Thus, I find it hard to believe this story isn’t going to have a happy ending. Please let me know how your first blowjob goes!

I haven’t had sex in five years and I’ve never dated. I’m almost thirty and I have no idea what I’m doing! I thought this was only supposed to happen to religious fundamentalists.

I frequently lie about my sexual experience (pointedly the lack there of). To myself I count the times I had sex as one, but he didn’t get his dick all the way in before he came so I’m even lying to me about it kind of. The real confession is that I read sex blogs and pretend I have the bloggers sex lives when I’m talking to my friends.

Calling all firsts, lasts, fantasies, lusts, fables, and laments: send me your secrets here.