quizzical pussy

I am increasingly convinced that I will never fully comprehend all the intricacies of and possibilities deriving from my sexuality. But if I ever do, there will still be yours to confound me.

So one of my favorite things to do is write erotic fiction. Today (Sunday) I spent almost the entire day holed up in my hotel room, alone, working on a new project… and I’ve lost count of how many times I had to stop and masturbate when my imagination got the better of me. At least 4 or 5. I may not be able to walk tomorrow.

But you know what would be better than a day of whacking off in a hotel room? Getting laid for real. I need a boyfriend.

I think what we need here is a meet cute involving you, a dreamy chap in lovely your area, a horrible mix-up where he accidentally picks up your laptop in the hotel bar, thinking it was his, and reads fantasies there that he swears he could have written himself (even though he certainly doesn’t have your turn of phrase), and oh, probably mad blushing on your part.

Your romance cannot be consummated until your soreness from all that fapping eases up a little. But when it is…

I recently read a post of yours about squirting and it involved doing Kegels if ejaculation doesn’t come easy. So I looked up a how-to for Kegels and found out that they’re actually really, really easy for me, and that doing the exercise gives me a bunch mini-orgasms. In fact, clenching those muscles is frequently how I cum during PIV sex, and explains why sometimes I orgasm when I pee. Still no squirting, but I thought it was an interesting discovery!

People who refuse to do kegels really don’t even know what they’re passing on. It could be mini-orgasms, or squirting, or not leaking pee when they’re septuagenarians.

So I suddenly realised that sometimes when I masterbate I fantasize my sexual story in words, possibly more than images – do others do this?

I squirted for the first time, it was a bit surprising and weird but arrived at in a very pleasurable way involving showerhead on clit, dildo and lubey ass fingering.

I texted my boyfriend to tell him this, I know he’s out at the moment and it turns me on to imagine one of his friends picking up his phone to see this…

In a sexual context (and in most other ways I can think of), the answer to “Do others do this?” is always “yes”. It’s the foundational law of nature that makes Rule 34 whir along smoothly.

Also, ::internet high five:: and I love hand showers like the internet loves disturbing people.

In what seems like a never ending quest to have my wife fuck my ass, I found some alone time the other day and was able to finger myself a little as well as slip small butt plug in. Apparently it didn’t quite hit the prostate, but it was quite comfortable. I used a finger vibe to send some vibrations through the plug, which was nice, but not earth shattering. I want to wear it while she rides my cock to see if it can hit my P-spot. Also I’m planning on finding something longer, bigger, more curved to see if something else would tickle my fancy…

Yes, so totally get something longer, bigger, and more curved. I suggest doing so on June 4th, but I’m not picky. I really just want amazing orgasms for everyone.

I’m 28, short, geeky and busty, and I am unabashedly attracted to middle aged geeks who are tall, skinny and shy. I can’t help but think I am actually an answer to somebody’s prayers. My favourite boyfriend is 50, and I honestly don’t think people know what they’re missing by not tapping this excellent niche market. Genuine enthusiasm is PRICELESS.

I like to think I was an answer to the prayers of awesome people, because for some reason I’m very attracted to them.

Okay, I’m probably not, but still.

My boyfriend and I are learning everything together. We’re both really excited to finally be having sex (it took us over four months of growing into our sex lives to get here), but! There’s always a but. (No, not a butt. A but.)

I am amazed by how much it hurts. I get very wet at all the right times, and it did hurt slightly less the second time, but when he’s in, especially going in, it hurts so much that I haven’t been able to really move around or do any serious thrusting (we’ve been doing mostly cowgirl, a bit of missionary.)

Even now, the ache feels great afterward, but I really want it to get better.

I hope it gets better too! Did you guys work up to inserting two or three fingers before the penis made its debut? If so, did that hurt? Did you or would you be willing to try it with toys? Sometimes people have more pelvic tension when penis-in-vagina intercourse is happening.

It may really and truly be worth it to go see a doctor if this doesn’t get better on its own.

I’ve never seen Dr Who. What’s worse, I have no desire to ever see Dr Who. I feel so left out… ::frowny face::

Anonymous person, I feel like I don’t even know you right now.

But don’t worry, Doctor Who is not for everyone. Although, much like short, busty 28-year-olds, geeky middle-aged men usually get well excited about it.

Sex confessions go here!

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I need some help keeping myself from moping today. My car hasn’t exactly been working this month, which makes my life 72% more difficult and 88% more frustrating. Also, they’ve apparently discontinued my favorite brand of hair dye, and as a result I’ve just dyed my hair a completely different color than I originally intended. These are minor problems in the scheme of things, I’ll admit, but I still think I need an inspirational quote or something to cheer me up a little. Hey, you know who always comes up with clever aphorisms? Anonymous. Lay it on me, people.

I’m happily married and I get a lot of real, live, two-party, human-with-a-pulse sex. Still, I would love to fuck a RealDoll. That fact has me feeling pretty dirty.

I’m not sure I’m inspired; their eyes always look dead to me. But I hear there’s an intriguing suction effect. Also, I’m not saying it’s a problem to be into dead eyes, or indifferent to them.

Tried the “folded deckchair” with my girlfriend a couple nights ago, due mainly to reading about it on your blog here. Three words: Epic. Freakin. Oragsms. Thank you thank you thank you. She came so hard and so much her abs hurt afterward. You are awesome!

This was roughly the experience I had! Of course, this wisdom isn’t universal, but it has much to offer us.

Best argument ender ever: “Shut up and put your cock in my mouth!”

I see your point here. It always worked with my high school principal whenever I had to go to his office for having hot pink hair¹. Back when I could get decent fucking hair dye.

I feel like I have been wanting more from my boyfriend than he has been giving me. I then realized I had to appreciate the things he already did before I could ask him to improve on anything I wanted above that. Since implementing this into our relationship not only have I been happier, I also realize that he does little stuff all the time that I was overlooking. I feel much more loved now and all I had to do was open my eyes.

Snap. This is goddamn inspirational and wise and hope-giving! Score another one for Anonymous.

I want an illicit make-out affair. I don’t want to actually have SEX with somebody other than my husband, I just want to have (possibly sloppy) makeouts with a man (or woman, or men or women or both), preferably in a darkened office or a library. And then go home and fuck my husband. Is that REALLY so much to ask?

I don’t know. Depends. Have you asked? Monogamous people: are you allowed to ask things like this?

Or maybe the “illicit” part is important and it needs to be a secret. I don’t know, Anonymous. You are as complicated as you are sexy.

I’ve started squirting lately. It’s small, not very pornstar worthy, but it seriously freaks me out. I know it’s not a bad thing and the boyfriend loves it, so I don’t understand why I can’t see it as okay emotionally. I just feel dirty and weird in a bad way.

Are you associating it with porn? Possibly porn you don’t like? With pee? With something negative someone said one time? It seems like your brain is okay with squirting, but your emotions have to catch up. So maybe you can trick them. What if every time you squirted you said out loud “That was so sexy!” or something similar. I feel like our emotions always catch up with what we tell them, sooner or later.

Sex is always best after skiing. I’m really tired but for some reason being on the slopes all day makes me hot and bothered.

You rich people should stop skiing and start buying poor people new cars and better hair dye.

Just kidding. Enjoy your cocoa and orgasms.

I’ve never been honest about my number. Ever. I tell people it might be around 12 or so, but really it’s more like upper 30’s. I occasionally feel bad about it, but I don’t regret a single one of my 30+ sexual partners. They were all very special. Thanks, guys and girls!

I think this is kind of inspiring because you’ve found over 30 special people to connect with in very powerful ways, and you have no regrets. I want to be able to say that someday. And I’d like to live in a world where I felt like I could say it, and not have to revise it or be judged.

My boyfriend and I just started doing sexy-type things and I gave him oral (which I’ve never ever done before) and it was awesome! Penises are awesome! Blowjobs are awesome! I feel sort of strange about this since I’ve always thought girls weren’t supposed to like it, but ohmygod so fun! Luckily, he’s sweet and (very, very) okay with it. Is that weird?

It is so very not weird. I know we get told a lot of bullshit about this stuff, but girls aren’t really supposed to like or not like anything in particular. There are a lot of people of all genders who love giving blowjobs, and many others who hate giving them. Enjoy, and take care of yourself.

Sex Confessional

1. May not have actually happened in reality. [↩]

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It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the concept of anyone thinking that masturbation is wrong. So I have this body, right? And it’s mine. But there are certain parts of it I’m not supposed to touch because if I do it might feel good. And that… would be bad.

Um, what?

I’m a post-op Trans Woman, I’ve had my new vagina for seven and a half months.

I just found the vibrator that works for me and had my first vaginal orgasm…

My shoulder is super sore and I can’t stop shaking… no regrets, so much self love and discovery!

Woohoo! Motherfucking internet high five!

I’m just wondering if I’m the only one who finds masturbation to be really boring. I mean, the few times I try I can’t focus on any fantasies or what-not, I get really bored, and I stop a few minutes later to watch funny videos or do something I find entertaining.

I guess I’m wondering if I’m normal, because all of the blogs I read give me the impression that I’M DOING SEXUALITY WRONG. Like, I get that masturbation is supposed to feel good and orgasms are awesome and “if you don’t use it, you lose it.” But I’m just not feeling it.

I feel like whenever anyone wonders if they’re the only one who does or does not do sex a certain way, the answer is always “absolutely damn not”. If anyone’s normal, which I doubt, pretty much everyone is. And people normally don’t maintain blogs dedicated to things they find boring, so bloggers like me who write about masturbating are generally going to be pro-masturbation, and get excited about masturbating, I should think. But it’s not for everyone, and that’s totally cool.

I made myself squirt today!
Apparently, masturbating a whole lot (by way of positioning myself in the shower so that one stream of water hits me juuuust right) and thinking about Jon Stewart whispering dirty dirty things in my ears while spanking me and biting me and/or doing other fun hitty things was all it took!
It wasn’t even intentional. But now that I know I can…well. Let’s just say I shall be happy to devote more time to exploring this phenomenon.

I love it when the most specific fantasies do the most particular things. It makes me feel like life is a fighting game with combos.

A little backstory: I have a tiny office in my university, shared by three other students. There’s a small window on the door, so someone nosy could peek in if they wanted. No outside windows. My desk is right next to the door, but the other two desks are behind dividers.

Last weekend I was doing some work in my office, and after a while I needed a break — consisting, of course, of reading sexy stories and touching myself through my jeans. I was pretty furtive about this, even though I was alone in the room, the door was closed, and someone would have to actually make a point of looking inside the window if they want to see anything interesting. (If you’re not in academia, you might be surprised at how many people — mostly grad students, but sometimes even faculty — work during the weekends and evenings.)

Eventually I got worked up enough that I wanted more than fingers. Heart racing, I turned off the lights, climbed on one of my colleague’s desks, unzipped my jeans, and slipped my balled-up sweater in between my legs. My favourite maturbatory position is facedown and humping something — I loved the feeling of my breasts pushed up against the hard wooden desk, and feeling my clit rub against something firm but with a bit of give, while I imagined my boyfriend pounding me from behind. I migrated to my fantasy of donning a strap-on, and fucking another girl with a vibrator inside of me. I could hear nearby office doors opening and closing, locking and unlocking, and it gave me the good kind of chills to be reminded exactly where I was — the person whose desk I was pleasuring myself on could have walked in at any time. I’m not remotely attracted to him, but the thought of him walking in and turning on the lights to find me, apparently a Good Girl, squirming and sweaty on his desk — GOD that pushed my buttons.

But here’s my favourite part of the act: my cheek was pressed against the cool wood of the desk, and my hot breath curled the papers next to my mouth. When I was done, I considered replacing the blank sheets of paper — but I kind of liked the mystery, the slight confusion it might cause, and the wonderful little secret of what exactly caused those sheets to curl. :)

I’ve never been more attracted to you. (I don’t think.)

I was house-sitting last week for a friend, who happened to own a removable showerhead. I quickly discovered that it was the most awesome thing EVER. Then I realized that it was leaking and I thought I broke it, but no– the head came off and all that was left was a tube with a stream of water. Once I turned the power of the water down a little, I realized I’d been wrong before: THAT was the most awesome thing ever. :D I hope the sound of the water drowned out anything her neighbors might have heard…

Access to removable showerheads is a human rights issue. I’m not saying it’s high on the list, but certainly the world will never be quite right until all of us who want them have them.

I was on a long plane ride this week and I was having a lot of trouble focusing on the work I needed to get done. So I waited for a quiet moment and took myself to the bathroom. I locked the door, undid my belt, and slid my hand into my underwear. I began to rub my clit and with the other hand I grabbed my breast. At first, I wasn’t sure I would be able to come, but the tension grew rapidly and soon I was wetter than wet and coming hard. After I caught my breath, I cleaned myself up, checked my hair and noticed the rosy glow in my cheeks. When I left the bathroom, I gave a big, cheeky grin to the hottie waiting outside the door.

I have mad respect for anyone who can feel sexy on an airplane. I normally just feel sleepy.

Not that I’d say no to an orgasm, to be fair.

I’m slowly coming to terms with my sexuality being, uh, strangely non-sexual when other people are involved. I’ve always considered myself bisexual, pretty much attracted to men and women equally. But while I love cuddling, fondling, making out… I don’t enjoy sex that much. Yes, there have been boring/bad sex partners, but there’s also been at least 1 great one, but even that doesn’t compare to just masturbating alone. I’d think I was actually a romantic asexual, but, damn, I love masturbating, watching porn, thinking/reading about sex… Sexuality can be so confusing!

Sexuality can be wonderfully varied and confusing and fancy! And I suspect if all the spectra had more visibility, we’d find that romantic asexuals who like to masturbate and fondle are not that terribly uncommon. But you’d still be fancy.

Tell me something about yourself.

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About ten years ago I read a book by some sex writer of some sort. I don’t remember who it was, and I don’t remember most of the book, but I vividly remember the part of it where the author was sitting on a airplane, have the kind of conversation you have on a plane with the man seated next to her. He asked her what she did for a living, she answered some variation of “I write about sex for a living, and you?” and the guy responded with basically “So do you have a connecting flight you have to make after this or can we go to my hotel room or possibly a public toilet and bone?”

Like saying “I write about sex” is some kind of strange airplane code for “I want to have sex with you”.

It’s interesting that the one thing I remember about this sex writer is not what she wrote about sex, but what she wrote some guy’s assumptions about being a sex writer. It’s also interesting and frankly insulting that no one ever asks me to fuck in public toilets after learning I have a sex blog.

Actually, no, I’m okay with it.

Question: Isn’t it common knowledge that after the end of a relationship, you are supposed to destroy/delete/completely get rid of any and all nude photos you have of your ex?

Maybe it is, but if it is I’m in violation. Viola Sharqtipus took naked pics of my ex Laramy Fuquerton and me last year, and as far as I know he and I both have a complete set of them. I’m not really stressed that he’s going to release them to one of those awful “REVENGE: My ex girlfriend naked!” sites. I personally keep them on my hard drive because they’re beautiful art, and because it’s a fun memory.

I think it’s common knowledge that if an ex requests you jettison nude pics of them, complete compliance is the only decent response. I think it is also common knowledge that any and all nude photos we have of our exes (also of current partners, friends, etc.) are for personal use only, and never to be shared without permission.

The last time my boyfriend was fucking me, it really wasn’t doing anything for me. Then I started imagining what it would be like to be the creamy center of a QP/Laramy sandwich, and I came and came. Yum. I suppose it really IS the thoought that counts!

Since we’re on the subject anyway, I am glad we could help. QP/Laramy sandwiches are a thing of the past, but the legend lives on…

Last weekend, my boyfriend managed to give me three of what were most likely the most intense orgasms of my life. I came so hard I had issues walking. I would try to stand and my legs would shake and shake like I had just run a marathon… it took a couple hours for the shaking to totally subside, but stairs were uncomfortable for quite a while after that.

It was hella impressive.

Sometimes sex is like this thing. Provided that thing is actually a thing that works in any way.

You know how sometimes when you orgasm, you get strange patterns and images floating through your mind/vision?
Yesterday I had an orgasm so intense that for a few seconds when it was over, I was beset (and absolutely convinced) by the notion that I had seven toes on one foot. I had to look closely at and physically feel my toes to check I only had five, and even then I didn’t quite believe myself. Then once the afterglow subsided, so did the… imaginary… toes. Yeah, has that happened to anyone else?!

Sometimes sex is like this too, apparently.

I’m so glad to have somewhere anonymous to boast! My husband is a research engineer, and, ahem, is brilliant at analyzing complex systems. As a squirting enthusiast, that son of a gun has figured out how to make me ejaculate at will. If I’m almost out of clean laundry, he can help me NOT ejaculate by touching me differently. *sigh* I love that kinky bastard.

Also, I just have to add that we’re a middle-aged married couple with grown children, and we look like Santa and Mrs. Claus. Heh.

Santa Claus, you are an evil genius and I love you. And I want a pony, dammit.

Okay – confession hog. I just read back over previous confessions where a woman wrote that she fantasizes about having sex like a man and where you both talk about the idea of having a cock. Sometimes when I’m on top of my boyfriend and the orgasm is being a little recalcitrant I find myself moving as if I have the cock and he has the vagina and I’m pretty sure he can tell what I’m doing and I have to say it gets both of us pretty fucking hot and bothered.

This ConTuesday, I think, no? To me, that’s very much what inverted missionary can feel like. With all the thrusting and stuff. Yum.

Just had my first threesome with my girlfriend and a mutual female friend of ours who was visiting us at college. I was kind of tentative going in, and we must have been the Most Awkward Threesome partners in the history of multi-partner sex (our friend fell off the bed at one point) but we had a COMPLETE FUCKING BLAST! Everyone got off, nobody had any emotional complications, and we all enjoyed ourselves immensely.

I am, in part, confessing this because reading ConTuesday submissions about threesomes helped motivate me to broach the subject with my girlfriend. Thanks everyone, and especially you QP!

Yes, QPsters! You too can make yummy, delightful sandwiches. This is the message I would like to spread to people on airplanes everywhere.

Tell me a secret, you.

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ConTuesday confessions are go!

I would love to read one of your ”sex journal” type entries on here involving you, Viola, and your Feeldoe.

Viola and I were just hanging out the other day, and she mentioned she wished I’d brought my Feeldoe with me. And believe me, so did I. I think I should probably start carrying it in my trunk at all times, just in case. More importantly, I think we can make this happen.

I’ve never even dated a girl with tattoos, but I find them incredibly sexy. I like to look at pictures of women that have large and elaborate tattoos. I don’t know that I would want my wife to be all tattooed up, but maybe we should go to a tattoo convention sometime. I think it would be a huge turn-on.

My personal opinion on ink: it can be beautiful and sexy and add to a person’s attractiveness, or it can be meh. This all depends on design and placement. I wonder if people more tend to fetishize the type of person who gets tattoos, which might have once been “rebellious” or “alternative” or “adventurous”, but at this point seems to just be “a random sampling of everyone with skin”.

Not trying to talk you out of your tattoo fetish, friend. Just riffing.

I’m afraid to have sex.

My first sexual experience has a lot of awfulness and misery attached to it. And I had this weird sort of assault-y experience at a party. Since then, I haven’t had sexual contact with anyone. Besides making out. But it’s gotten to the point where just the idea of making out alone (even though I used to love it!) has gotten too scary because it might lead to other things that feel even scarier. And it’s starting to inhibit my romantic life too. I don’t know what to do.

Please, please do not take this as snarky or rude in any way, but my advice is to get counseling. You can often even find it free or very low cost, and though you may not find the perfect fit for what you want that way, it will be better than nothing.

I say this as someone who went through about two years of free therapy through a local university with various counselors who changed every semester. Even in that non-ideal situation, I still made a lot of progress working on my issues with past abuse and sexual assault. Shit used to be horrible, and now it’s getting better every day.

Another thing that helped me was starting this blog. I have written so much about being abused and being raped, and doing so helped me process a lot of things I had previously chosen not to examine, not to confront. You don’t have to do it publicly– although the supportive and amazing comments I’ve gotten have helped me too– but maybe journaling will also help.

I hope this helps. Please keep in mind that you’re not messed up; what happened to you was messed up.

I’m a top and I’m REALLY kinky, but humiliation is a hard limit for me. I’ve tried poking around dominant groups on Fetlife, but almost all the ones I see for female tops are anathemaic to me. I see a lot of people talking about how what the bottom wants isn’t really important, and how men are too cowardly to play with them, or some really awful verbal abuse that makes my skin crawl. Whenever I read it I feel out of place because I’m not masquerading as a sociopath. I actually CARE about my bottoms and whether or not they’re having a good experience!

Am I really so strange for thinking the people I top are people and wanting them to have as much fun as I am?

People who say they don’t care what their bottoms want are either posturing or just straight up dangerous. Those are the only two options, and even the posturing is dangerous in that it sets a terrible example even if the top is privately doing everything right.

That being said, some bottoms are actively into humiliation. It’s not for everyone, and clearly not your thing, but some people want it. If it’s consensual and negotiated, the person doing the humiliating is performing a service. As you probably know very well, sometimes kink isn’t what it looks like from the outside. So I understand your concern, but I feel like you’re at least partially conflating humiliation as a fetish and actual disrespect.

So, just discovered just how amazing my vagina con be. Masturbated for maybe ten minutes, soaked my panties, my nice skirt and the bedsheets, without even noticing until I was completely finished. The only downside is I can’t figure out how to explain to my mum that I need new sheets without a really awkward conversation…

Dear parents of the world: Please never ask why your post-pubescent kids are washing their own sheets. You probably don’t need to know.

P.S. Yay squirting!

i am 26 years old. i know how to do sex but i have a secrete whenever i do sex in that situation i want to put my penis gentaly to my girlfrends nose i want she just wipe her nose on my penis but she dont like this .but i never force her to do so. but my sexual attraction is her nose.i do normal sex also .but this is my sex secret..am i mentally sik ?…please send me some solutions

People with nasal fetishes usually learn, through using it early and often, the correct spelling of “secret”, but I’m not going to get hung up on whether you’re trolling me or not. I’m going to answer your question.

You’re not mentally sick, but you’re with someone who doesn’t share your fetish or want to indulge it. You may some day get someone to wipe her nose on your cock, but it’s probably not going to be her. Oh, and if you stay in this relationship and do nose stuff with someone else, I’m pretty sure your girlfriend would consider it cheating, but you would have to ask her. If you don’t ask and just do, that’s definitely cheating.

I think your solution is ultimately the internet. You can find people into anything on the internet. But use spell check.

Confess things here!

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I don’t understand people who brag about female ejaculation.

Okay, wait. Yes I do. It’s because of how often many of us have been ridiculed and shamed and accused of lying/deluding ourselves about squirting. Sometimes that sort of thing makes you want to scream “FUCK YOU DO YOU REALIZE THIS MAKES ME AWESOME!?!?” It’s a defense mechanism, and it makes perfect sense. But I hate how it creates a culture where someone might feel like they’re falling short if they happen to not be an ejaculator.

Really, we’re just talking about an orgasm with some extra liquid added. It doesn’t make you automatically awesome. It doesn’t make you sexier¹ or healthier or smarter or more financially solvent. You will probably not even get a sticker.²

It might, however, be an especially intense orgasm, and it is an interesting thing to experience. For many people, that alone makes it worth looking in to. That’s why I’m offering some squirting tips for those who want to squirt and those who want to assist others in their quest to do so. If you succeed at this, try not to brag too much. I will see what I can do about stickers.

You don’t need to know the basics of the physiology of female ejaculation to squirt, but they can help. I am equipped to give you only the very basics.

The g-spot exists. It’s actually the underside of the urethral sponge, which swells with fluid when arousal happens. It’s usually found a couple inches above the vaginal opening on the clitular facing side of the vaginal wall. Its texture is usually different from the surrounding tissue, making it fairly easy to find. Sometimes there will be gasps or squeals or other sound effects that help further clarify its location. Keep in mind, though, that every body is different.

Sometimes the urethral sponge releases this fluid through the urethra during orgasm. The orgasms that bring this about often come from g-spot stimulation, but not always. Clitoral stimulation alone can do it for some people. The release can be like a spray, a gush, or a trickle: they all qualify as squirting. The fluid isn’t pee, it’s most often clear, and it is harmless.

Whether squirting orgasms actually feel better than any other kind very much depends on the person. And in fact, from here on out I’m really just going to talk about personal experiences and observations.

1. The first rule of squirting is: squirting is really, honestly no big deal. If you do it, it’s nothing to be self-conscious or worried about. If you don’t do it, you’re in the majority, and this in no way constitutes failure. My point here is that stressing out never helped anyone’s sex life.³ And it especially never helped anyone ejaculate. Relaxing is going to help you here with one tiny exception that we’ll cover later.
2. The actual first rule of squirting probably should have been put down a towel. If not several. Do not forget the towels. You can skip this step if and only if you have rubber sheets or are doing this on a hard surface like a bathtub or an inspiring marble fountain.
3. Start doing kegels now. Right now. Really. I’ll wait. Mighty PC muscles are only going to help your cause here. Apparently, when they’re toned your g-spot is more accessible, and has more sensitivity because of better blood flow. All I know is that I’ve been doing kegels since I was ten and I am a squirter, so that’s n=1. Science!⁴
4. Get an njoy pure wand. If there is one toy in all the world that is responsible for more female ejaculation than all the others combined, it’s probably this one. Or, at very least, I cannot use it without squirting. I can practically not look at it without squirting. Both ends feel incredible: the knob (I usually prefer the smaller side, but both work) lands right on my g-spot perfectly, whether I’m thrusting with it or rocking the toy back and forth from its center. This is quite literally the best sex toy investment I’ve made. And, did I mention? Splashy.
5. If you’re not ready to embrace the feat of engineering that is the pure wand, your best bet is a toy with a curved end that will easily reach your g-spot.
6. When playing with a partner, I’ve found that simultaneous focused clit and g-spot stimulation tend to make me squirt. For instance, sucking on my clit while fingering me with those come-hither crooked fingers for a bit works like a charm. It also puts me in a pretty chipper mood.
7. Sometimes a lot of orgasms have to happen before the squirting starts. Be patient and persevere. Could there really be a less tedious thing to practice?
8. If you have enough muscle control that you’re able to tense just the area around your urethral sponge/g-spot during stimulation, that can be a helpful way to put yourself over the top.

Experiment. A lot. Alone, with a partner, with several different partners. If it doesn’t happen right away try doing kegels regularly for a month and then trying again. Try a new toy. If it’s important to you, keep at it. Keep calm and carry on.

But seriously? The pure wand. I’m telling you.

1. Unless the beholder in question is someone with a thing for squirters, I suppose. [↩]
2. Note: I really should make stickers. [↩]
3. Unless, of course, we consider the case of Hippolyta Craig of Lubbock, Texas, but that is another story entirely. [↩]
4. Disclaimer: This is not science. [↩]

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Beware them! They’ll kill your tyrants dead.

On a totally related note, I’ve arranged some sexy secrets for your reading enjoyment.

I’m having an affair. He’s 8 years younger and I’m only the second girl he’s ever been with. He’s so excited to be with me. He’s willing to try anything and really loves turning me on. I’ve had sex with him more times this year than I have with my husband.

Evidence I’m currently living in a little nonmonogamy cocoon: My first reaction to this was “If you tell your husband about that, maybe he’d step up the frequency a little. A bit of friendly competition!” Someone remind me how affairs work?

I love that, when I click ”send” after I type a confession, that the ”Ohhh, that’s a good one” message pops up. I always think ”I know, right?”.

It’s so nice when someone appreciates the little things.

I harshly judge everyone that has sex. I’m a virgin, by choice, and I think it’s disgusting for everyone else to have sex but me. If you have a threesome, you’re a sleezer, if you are a lesbian, you’re a skeezer, if you cheat on your partner, you’re a dog, if you have an ’open relationship’, you’re just keeping a good person from finding someone better than YOU. If you’ve ever had an STD, please die. If you’re a gay man, you’re great. I don’t judge you at all. I absolutely judge everyone. And the sad part is that I DON’T feel bad at all. I think that everyone is disgusting, and that I’m the only person left in the world with morals. :D.

I’m losing my virginity tonight to my boyfriend of six years. [:.

Um. I just… what… I just don’t even know… Okay, if you’re not trolling, I advise you to work out these severe issues you have about sex, but part of me still wants to tell you I hope you had a good time. Because I’m a skeezer, and that’s what I do.

Early this morning, I squirted more than I’ve ever squirted in my entire life. It felt like there was a river pouring out from between my legs. Some of it was even in a majestic spray-type deal like how ladies in porn always seem to get off.

Once I was satiated, I then realized that half of my bed was soaked. Through the bedding, through the sheets, THROUGH THE MATTRESS INTO THE FRAME. I ended up having to take the driest of the bedding and sleeping on it because I was so tired. The moral of this story is to get a towel or three before going like Ol’ Faithful.

There have been times when I’ve really wished my bed was equipped with rubber sheets. But damn, it’s been a while…

I am a woman, and I like being a woman, and I like fucking men.
But my biggest fantasy is to have sex like a man once. Not that sex with my body is unpleasant, but just to imagine the feeling when I enter someone else with my dick… drives me crazy.
I plan to find out if strap-ons come anywhere near it soon :-)

I relate to this so hard! To the point where just reading that revs me up a bit. I’m pretty okay being female-bodied, but I fantasize a lot about having a cock. And, you know, wielding it. And, you know, sheathing it. But not only once. Ever so much more than once.

Mmmmmmm. Confess amongst yourselves.

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Happy Tuesday, people of the internet! You know what I love reading about? Other people’s sex lives. In fact, let’s do that now, shall we?

Just before I start masturbating, I sneeze. Twice. This used to happen only when I was thinking about other women, but now it has spread to all my other fantasies aswell. I’m stumped as to why. My roommate found out about this, and so now every time either of us gets the sniffles, gales of uproarious laughter are sure to follow.

This is most singular and astounding. And I hope there’s no such thing as sex poker because basically, you’d lose.

A few days ago I was at work, working with one of my male co-workers. He was holding an animal that was being none too cooperative. At one point we were both crouched over the animal and he said, in a huskey/gravely, almost whisper ”Shut the fuck up”. What he said, how he said it, and the fact that we were so close he nearly whispered it right in my ear, instantly made me think very naughty things. Now I can’t stop imagining him whispering ”Shut the fuck up” in my ear, from behind, his hand wrapped in my hair, pushing me up against a wall ……No chance it’ll ever happen but, Wow.

I hope it’s not weird that I’m fantasizing about your coworker now too.

I’m not entirely sure if I’m experiencing female ejaculation or wetting myself when I orgasm. I mean, its clear and doesn’t smell like piss, but I stay hydrated enough to pee clear.

If you don’t generally have incontinence problems and the liquid is accompanying orgasms, it’s pretty safe to see you’re ejaculating. But if you really want to remove all doubt, take a cheap-ass vitamin B complex supplement a couple hours before playtime. If the liquid that comes out isn’t neon yellow, welcome to the sisterhood of squirters!

I was diagnosed with chlamydia today. The thought of telling past lovers is making me feel sicker than the antibiotics did.

I feel for you. That experience has to suck. Is there not a service that does this sort of thing for you anonymously? Because there really should be.

In anticipation of losing my virginity with my lady friend this week, I completely shaved my pubes, balls, and butt today. Previously I had only kept my hair trim with shears. Ho-lee shit, it feels amazing. I never thought that shaving my bits would make me feel so sexy and smooth.I can’t wait to show it off :D

Yay! I’m glad you felt so great and sexy your first time. How was it? How did your lady friend like your groomed look?

Do you have wondrous, strange, or kinky things which should not be uttered? Don’t utter; type.

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Last night, in the middle of an otherwise satisfying fap, I realized with not inconsiderable horror that it’s been I-don’t-even-know-how-long since the last time I squirted. It must be months. Months and months. One hell of a lot of months, at least.

There was a time in my life when I could barely use a vibrator for fifteen seconds without my pussy producing an enthusiastic dribble, and threatening much more. That time is gone, apparently, at least for the time being, and now I need to apply more time and attention in order to ruin my sleeping arrangements with puddles. Which really is probably for the best from a logistics standpoint because I need my beauty rest and prefer it non-soggy, all else being equal. Female ejaculation can be such a polarizing subject, even if we’re just talking about my brain.

But I miss those geyserly orgasms. They were so intense, so joyous. Of course a woman can have an amazing sex life if she never ejaculates, or even thinks about it. There are manifold ways to get off, and no single physical mechanism of orgasm is objectively better than any other. They’re created equal, like mankind. But also like mankind, once you get to know and love an individual in that created-equal group, you get attached and would miss it if it were to move to Jakarta.

So here I am in the Western Hemisphere realizing that I just don’t have the grit these days to hike to Jakarta every time I take my pants off.

Squirting, come home. I would like to have to lay down double-thick towels more often, and then maybe curse you when you ignore them and soak right through. Those were the days.

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Anonymous confessions from the internet! The first one is very timely, since Buy A Sex Toy Day is this Friday, and someone wants some tips on what to buy…

Can you recommend a sex toy for me? I’ve been inspired by Buy A Sex Toy Day, and I think it’s time for me to get better acquainted with myself. It needs to be cheap (under $50) because I’m unemployed and broke. It should be non-threatening, because this makes me incredibly nervous. And it should vibrate, because, well… I want it to.

Yay! I’m so excited you want to get a sex toy for BAST day! I wrote about the Wahl massager yesterday, and I have to say, I think it would fit your criteria very well. It’s unintimidating: it doesn’t look like a penis, it has no clues to its sexual applications on its packaging, and in a pinch you might even be able to convince people you use it on your sore neck. Oh, and does it ever vibrate! The only real problem is that it isn’t insertable, so if you’re looking for penetration you’ll want something more like this Orchid G, which I’ve never tried but have heard good things about. The bulb gives you g-spot stimulation, but it also makes it versatile as a clit vibrator. The major con to this toy is apparently that it’s wicked loud. If anyone has any other suggestions, please comment!

I was not very worldly when my first boyfriend started talking about anal. Didn’t sound like a good time to me, but if there’s one thing you can say about me, it’s that I’m game. One night he plied me with wine, teased the hell out of me and made me beg for a proper seeing-to. I was feeling very warm and agreeable when he flipped me over on hands and knees and very gently, very gradually eased his huge large cock in. I actually really liked it and I squirted. [two confessions in one: I didn't know about squirting and was horrified-- I def. didn't need to pee. Took me years to realize...] The next time, he was in a big, big rush. I was getting turned off by the relationship in general at that point, planning my exit, and maybe slightly less game than before. He hurried me to drink some cheap wine (ugh!) and then I was there on the floor, hands and knees. I admonished him to go slowly, to let me tell him when to move forward, but once things commenced, he decided to ram it home. Fucker. He was a big clothes horse and spent vast sums on clothes/shoes, but was the last of the galloping cheapskates in every other way. So there I was on the floor, NOT about to squirt, not about to have anything I’d remember as a positive experience and he’s going to town in pursuit of his own pleasure. I felt the bile rising in my esophagus. *gack* What to do? I was gonna puke. The combo of cheap wine, personal distress and rushing what could have been a good thing was a perfect storm of oogyness, and I had to think fast – where to direct my vomit? One of his prized shark-grey Bruno Magli loafers was nearby, yawning, oblivious to my plight– someone had to pay. I grabbed it and yakked. Instant boner-kill. FWIW – anal is now on my definite list of likes, but has to be done very carefully. I think it’s sad how many people miss out on it because they don’t do a little research and proceed in a way that won’t damage the fuckee. Lube. Lube. Lube.

I absolutely agree. Anal sex can be so much fun, but! Lube. Lube. Lube.

So me and my ex-husband swang, we split, and he loved me so much that he felt the need to find me a lover. Only thing is, is this lover he wanted me to get with was 1) A good friend of his 2) married and 3) my former capt. I acted all offended but contacted the guy anyway. We have been together for a year now and part of me so wants to tell my ex how much better in bed he is, but a bigger part wants my ex to be there to watch it.

I never told my first that he was my first- and he never noticed.

Do you have any deep, dark secrets, questions, or concerns? Send them to me. I’ll give them a good home.

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