quizzical pussy

ConTuesday is here! Have some anonymous internet confessions:

We (me and my wife) recently visited her family where I meet one of her cousins for the first time. I am now having sex with her. One night I had sex with the cousin then droped her off with her dad, then got a blow job from my wife. The cousin is planing on coming out to visit for a month to keep having sex with me. Oh and the reason we were visiting family, my Mother in-law died.

moved in with my sister again who has no idea, i think, that I’m bisexual. This would be the same sister I lived with who I never told that I was pregnant. And my son is 5 now and we’ve never talked about that time either.

My wife and I engaged in some “soft swinging” with another couple, this weekend. We hung out, and there was some alcohol consumed. The other couple started fooling around, mostly with her handling his cock, while I was in the kitchen. They asked if this offended us, and we said no, but my wife came in the kitchen to join me for a drink. Looking out over the passbar into the living room, we could see that she had removed his penis from his shorts and begun working on it. My wife began to do the same thing in the kitchen, to me. It was fun, and a little dirty, and safe. I began to have sex with my wife in the kitchen, but told her I’d really rather do it in the living room. She was reluctant (shy), but she went. On the carpeted floor just two or three feet from our friends, we had good sex. Everyone got off, and we all laughed. no worries. I think that one of the reasons that this was fun, was that we knew that the other couple would keep their hands to each other, and they knew we would keep ours to our own selves. I had worried that I might be pushing my wife just a little bit too much (she really is shy), but when she came, right there in front of the others, I knew we were okay. It’s a delicate thing, encouraging your significant other to expand her boundaries. Sometimes we just want our partner to take us by the hand and say, “Come on, Baby! Let’s try this!” And sometimes we’re reluctant for solid reasons, and being pushed is to no one’s benefit. We’re planning on doing it again– completely withOUT inter-couple contact.

I was the one with the bad sex/new guy confession, and you’re right, there is an update! Blew. My. Mind. The guy’s got technique, AND that essential quality in which he’s just totally into what he’s doing for me. And once the clothes are off, I totally take back the not as hot comment… what a bod!

Send me your confessions!

It’s Tuesday again, which means you’re probably here to read the secrets of the anonymous denizens of the internet. And I’m here to give them to you!

My wife, as we’re watching porn says ‘That’d be fun. I’d let another woman help me suck your c*ck’. Naturally, I’m interested in this possibility. I doubt she’ll make any effort to pursue it, short of my regular prodding. Yet, I don’t want to be annoying about it. We seldom go ‘out’ and when we do, it’s never anywhere we could people-watch and attempt to pick up a 3rd party. Besides, I highly doubt either of us would have the cajones to strike up a convo with that as the goal. After all, that really doesn’t seem to be the best option – to have an ulterior motive like that when engaging in bar conversation. I’d wager the success rate of that is nil. Aside from say, Craigslist or online dating sites, I wonder if there are any other ways I can expedite this sort of thing. Any suggestions?

Ah, the elusive unicorn. Finding a hot, bisexual woman willing to play with a couple isn’t necessarily the easiest thing to do (okay, maybe she doesn’t have to be bisexual per se, but she clearly needs to be open to the possibility of brushing lips with your wife across your very happy cock). People all over the world are on the same quest. Wouldn’t mind snagging one myself. Actually, though, don’t think about it that way or you’ll psych yourself out.

I’d say that if you’re really not interested in using the internet, make some new friends. To be more specific, join a group of friends that are bonded through a common geeky interest, preferably one that you share. In my personal experience, geeky groups are often comparatively open about sexuality, and are more likely to be polyamorous (this will eliminate your need to necessarily find a single woman to play with). Hang out with these people because they’re awesome, talk about sex with them because it’s interesting, and hope like hell that one of the women in that group is attracted to you guys (and vice versa).

Or, find a swingers’ club or party in your area. That will be faster and have a better chance of success, and you’ll likely still get new friends out of it.

I’ve been seeing this guy for over a year now and though he can go for HOURS, I’m not satisfied. He is smaller than most of the men I have been with and of recent I have found myself fantisizing about my ex after I leave him. I love the sex but it isn’t getting the job done and I don’t know what to do about it. We have used toys, changed the scheme of things, but nothing seems to be working. I’ve thought about maybe having a three some with the two of them, but then it would mean letting the ex know that I’ve been in a year + relationship with one of his best friends. Yes we have kept it quiet because it was supposed to be just sex, neither of us wanted to hurt him, but now I’m over hurting him and just wanting to use him. I told the ex today that he needed to come visit because I haven’t found a man that can do it like him. But I can’t let the guy I’m with now know that or he’d be hurt. What’s a girl to do??

The final question might be rhetorical, but I’ll try to answer it anyway. What is a girl to do? I’d experiment more with your current guy (it’s obvious that you already have, but more more more) and start dropping hints about a threesome to see if it’s a possibility. Since you’ll be in experimentation mode already it’ll be a relatively easy thing to bring up, although he still might not be interested.

I would also stop telling the ex that he’s the best you’ve ever had, though, because while that’s very flattering he might let it drop in the shock of realizing that you’ve been dating one of his friends. Then you’ve got trouble and feelings are hurt, and if nothing else you probably won’t be getting that threesome. Good luck!

If any readers have suggestions for either confession please leave a comment, because I am not the mayor of third party seduction.

Confess your sex secrets here! You can even take your sex life in your hands and ask me for advice, of all preposterous ideas.

Anonymous confessions from the internet! The first one is very timely, since Buy A Sex Toy Day is this Friday, and someone wants some tips on what to buy…

Can you recommend a sex toy for me? I’ve been inspired by Buy A Sex Toy Day, and I think it’s time for me to get better acquainted with myself. It needs to be cheap (under $50) because I’m unemployed and broke. It should be non-threatening, because this makes me incredibly nervous. And it should vibrate, because, well… I want it to.

Yay! I’m so excited you want to get a sex toy for BAST day! I wrote about the Wahl massager yesterday, and I have to say, I think it would fit your criteria very well. It’s unintimidating: it doesn’t look like a penis, it has no clues to its sexual applications on its packaging, and in a pinch you might even be able to convince people you use it on your sore neck. Oh, and does it ever vibrate! The only real problem is that it isn’t insertable, so if you’re looking for penetration you’ll want something more like this Orchid G, which I’ve never tried but have heard good things about. The bulb gives you g-spot stimulation, but it also makes it versatile as a clit vibrator. The major con to this toy is apparently that it’s wicked loud. If anyone has any other suggestions, please comment!

I was not very worldly when my first boyfriend started talking about anal. Didn’t sound like a good time to me, but if there’s one thing you can say about me, it’s that I’m game. One night he plied me with wine, teased the hell out of me and made me beg for a proper seeing-to. I was feeling very warm and agreeable when he flipped me over on hands and knees and very gently, very gradually eased his huge large cock in. I actually really liked it and I squirted. [two confessions in one: I didn't know about squirting and was horrified-- I def. didn't need to pee. Took me years to realize...] The next time, he was in a big, big rush. I was getting turned off by the relationship in general at that point, planning my exit, and maybe slightly less game than before. He hurried me to drink some cheap wine (ugh!) and then I was there on the floor, hands and knees. I admonished him to go slowly, to let me tell him when to move forward, but once things commenced, he decided to ram it home. Fucker. He was a big clothes horse and spent vast sums on clothes/shoes, but was the last of the galloping cheapskates in every other way. So there I was on the floor, NOT about to squirt, not about to have anything I’d remember as a positive experience and he’s going to town in pursuit of his own pleasure. I felt the bile rising in my esophagus. *gack* What to do? I was gonna puke. The combo of cheap wine, personal distress and rushing what could have been a good thing was a perfect storm of oogyness, and I had to think fast – where to direct my vomit? One of his prized shark-grey Bruno Magli loafers was nearby, yawning, oblivious to my plight– someone had to pay. I grabbed it and yakked. Instant boner-kill. FWIW – anal is now on my definite list of likes, but has to be done very carefully. I think it’s sad how many people miss out on it because they don’t do a little research and proceed in a way that won’t damage the fuckee. Lube. Lube. Lube.

I absolutely agree. Anal sex can be so much fun, but! Lube. Lube. Lube.

So me and my ex-husband swang, we split, and he loved me so much that he felt the need to find me a lover. Only thing is, is this lover he wanted me to get with was 1) A good friend of his 2) married and 3) my former capt. I acted all offended but contacted the guy anyway. We have been together for a year now and part of me so wants to tell my ex how much better in bed he is, but a bigger part wants my ex to be there to watch it.

I never told my first that he was my first- and he never noticed.

Do you have any deep, dark secrets, questions, or concerns? Send them to me. I’ll give them a good home.

“I want to visit a swingers’ club one of these days, just to see what it’s like.” I was sprawled out on Laramy’s bed chattering away, which is one of my newer hobbies. Laramy Fuquerton and I have been fucking for a few months now, with sterling success.
“Are there even any around here?” he wondered.
“Of course there are. They’re everywhere!” I said in the authoritative tone I save for bullshit. “…Well, I heard about one once.”

I’m not pretending I’d be visiting a swingers’ club strictly as an anthropologist, or a journalist, or to gawk at the sideshow freak adulterers, or as ambassador from Finland. It’s just that to participate in playful, no-strings sex with strangers (which I’ve never done, not even having had a single one night stand) I’d have to feel both comfortable and interested in record time. I wouldn’t rule that out, but I also wouldn’t bring an economy-sized tub of lube in anticipation. So yeah, really. I actually just want to see. Sometimes in a person’s sex life an idea presents itself that appears to have equal potential to be either hideously awkward or kind of neat, and sometimes you gamble on neat, because it’s a new experience. Barring actual trauma, the alchemy of time usually softens awkward to hilarious anyway.

One of the cool things about Laramy that I’m coming to understand more and more is that he’s very game. If I said “Hey, I’ve been thinking lately that it might be fun to try naked judo-style grappling, but in an igloo,” I’m starting to think he’d say “How do we make this happen?” and start researching how to avoid frostbite (stay tuned for the upcoming entry on how that went [you should probably know I'm lying]). Maybe it shouldn’t seem especially odd that a guy would respond with at least a tinge of interest to the prospect of going to a sex club, but his total lack of hesitation signifies a willingness of attitude that’s all too rare, in my experience. Anyway, he pulled up a listing of clubs in our state and we got down to business.

Not wild monkey sex business. Reconnoitering business.

I conspicuously didn’t say I haven’t a single anthropological bone in my body because that would’ve been a blatant lie and I never lie on the internet. Swingers as a subculture are fascinating. I want to ethnographize the shit out of them. Like most groups, they have their own little shorthand language. Of course it has many cognates in BDSM, regular sex-literate culture, and the sex industry, but some elements are idiomatic. Hard swap (two couples switching partners for full-on intercourse) vs. soft swap (switching that’s limited to oral play), for instance, is something I’ve never come across outside of swinging parlance because really, where else would you have opportunity to invoke these concepts but in (as they say) The Lifestyle? Swingers’ clubs are either on-premise or off-premise, which essentially means you can play on site or you can’t. Many of these seem to be more like Fight Club-style organizations that only exist when they’re in session rather than brick-and-mortar nightclubs. They all claim to be “upscale” and “drama-free”, and will likely repeat both these terms several times in their About Us pages and FAQs. Most will try to keep things innovative with woefully unsurprising themes: wet t-shirt contest, leather and lace, bad boys and naughty school girls, and so on. Some of them even use those wrist band sex codes of urban legend, which probably teeters on the line between whimsical and tawdry, but I think comes out on the adorable former side after all.

We waded through a lot of these clubs’ websites, and something happened to us that may happen to real anthropologists in the field: we came up against a cultural difference that seemed almost insurmountable. The website design was uniformly terrible. No. It was really, really terrible. It looked like the bastard child of 1997 and a terrible animated flash ad had thrown up all over a geocities account and then beat off to its death throes. I have no right to be, nor am I, too much of a web design snob. I don’t demand anything too marvelous when I visit a site, but I do ask that it be clean, legible, and proofread within a reasonable margin of error, or else unflattering thoughts about the author start to insinuate themselves, unbidden. I guess it’s like looking at someone’s profile on an internet dating site and noticing that the owner can’t grasp the difference between “you’re” and “apple”. Sorry about your illiteracy and all, but damned if I’m going to fuck you.

Is it because swinging is a throwback to the seventies and attracts an older crowd than I’d anticipated, and maybe they’re a little out of touch? Is it because they’re too busy having naughty school girl fun to bother to spend any time or energy on web presence? It is a mystery! The first terrible page we went to made us laugh. By the fourth the trend was becoming worrisome. When the tenth had a bad animated .gif of a woman in a sparkly bikini, it seemed like it was time to quit for the day. “Seeing a website like this makes me determined not to have sex with the person who made it,” said Laramy.
“I’m actually turned off now,” I agreed.

Swingers’ clubs: I’m not ready to give up on you. I’m still curious. I’m still hoping things will work out between us, but I need you to meet me halfway. I just want to be able to read about your toga orgy parties and masquerade balls without getting queasy. I mean, aren’t ANY of you geeks? Please say that there are geek swingers and nerd swingers and dork swingers, and maybe even a bookworm swinger or two. I know this sounds terribly xenophobic, but in this specific sense I think I really do prefer to have sex with my own kind.