quizzical pussy

You didn’t honestly think Model T. and I were done having the sexes in the cars, did you? Oh, how adorably naive. This time we did it in sickening style. -Q.P.

Jaguar XJ: The new Jaguar XJ was the most expensive vehicle to show up in my queue in a couple of years. Without getting specific about the price tag, this British full-size luxury-sport sedan cost a fair bit more than the house whose driveway it sat in.

Six-figure window stickers are an open invitation to vehicular debauchery, and finding volunteers to get busy in the Jag wasn’t hard. Even without getting naked, the interior was a fun place to be thanks to Jaguar’s buttery-smooth hand-stitched leather, artistically-placed blue LED mood lighting, and the unique wood-and-chrome console that are designed to send one message: “This is the life.” It’s rather a lot of fun to drive, too: Jaguar’s supercharged V8 produces 510 horsepower and is a serious thing of beauty when it comes to acceleration. Stomp on the gas and the XJ will go, and go, and go. At 130mph, when you’ve hopefully discovered your common sense, it’s still accelerating.

Considering all of that, it’s almost disappointing to park the XJ in search of carnal enjoyment. Collecting QP for a second lesson in the fine art of sex in cars, we sought out a less well-lit place this time. It wouldn’t do to cruise off and find a woodsy makeout spot somewhere far from the city lights, though; the Jaguar’s a city kitty, after all. QP and I hid in plain sight, at an auto shop. Pull into the line of repairables parked overnight, and even a new Jaguar doesn’t look particularly out of place. Car dealers are also decent hide-in-plain-sight spots, but tend to have roving security guards so your mileage may vary, so to speak. A decent-sized Goodyear or Pep Boys store with a bunch of cars already in the lot is perfect, though.

The Jaguar was all to happy to oblige our need to sprawl across the back seat, though the somewhat narrow interior required some contortions. Discomfort is temporary, though, and most carsex is fast and furious, which mitigates any potential sprains or long-term discomfort. After I returned the XJ, the folks from Jaguar never did ask what the spots on the leather were.

Summary:

• Arousal: 5/5–Jaguars are sexy. Jaguars are like Porsches in that they make people want to have sex with you. Even people who are turned off by the attitudes of expensive car buyers seem to respond to the raw sex exuded by a Jaguar. It’s scary. Had my schedule allowed it, I probably could’ve had sex with a different person in the XJ every night that I had it.
• Discretion: 1/5–Jaguars are also eyecatching. The XJ’s styling is otherworldly, and it stands out at the curb. People want to know what it is. In cases of backseat hijinks, best to hide the thing as much as possible.
• Comfort: 2/5–While comfy for long road trips, the XJ’s got a low roof and a relatively narrow body. This limits flexibility of position.
• Best person to hump in this car: Someone who’s never ridden in a Jaguar before. Or been ridden in a Jaguar before. See what I did there?

I love Model T.’s automotive reviews so much that I crashed one. Not the car. The review. “Crashed” as in a party rather than a breakable item. Oh, you know what I mean. Just read it. And enjoy! -Q.P.

Toyota Avalon: After guest-posting for QP a few times, it came up in conversation that she had never actually had sex in a car. Wait, what? We set about making plans to rectify this grievous oversight as quickly as possible. The moment a suitable vehicle dropped into my hands, in fact, I sent out word over our secret network that it was on.

The “proper vehicle” was a Toyota Avalon. The Avalon is Toyota’s very successful attempt to build a better Buick, and it’s outfitted with hauling the bridge club in mind. The smooth V6 engine and plush suspension were pretty much immaterial, though–what we were after was that nice, wide back seat. The Avalon doesn’t look it at a glance, but it’s a full-size car, with full-size interior appointments. The rear seats even recline slightly, for additional space.

It’s reasonably boring to look at, too. Toyota’s spruced up the styling a little bit, but at a glance the Avalon is nothing special. This proved to be advantageous, as we cruised into a rather well-lit parking garage to find a spot for a tryst. The original plan was to head for the roof, but a maintenance man was apparently taking a break up there in his own truck, so we cruised back down a few levels, slipped the Avalon into an unobtrusive parking spot, and slid into the back seat. It didn’t take QP long to decide that carsex was quite all right, and after some suitably frantic partial-shedding of clothes (pro tip; when fucking in the car in public, skirts and kilts are your friends) the Avalon’s reclined back seat proved to be quite suitable indeed for straddling. Several vehicles drove past, but nobody paid the bouncing Avalon any mind.

Not that we cared much if they did. There’s a furtive, cautious air to engaging in carsex; you’ve got to pick your spot carefully, and be alert to potential interruptions or dangers. For all of that, though, there’s also a point of no return (somewhere between penetration and orgasm) where, seriously, you just don’t care. At this point, a busload of nuns and orphans could pull up next to the car, and you’d probably just keep going. When the first car cruised past the Avalon, looking for a parking spot, we both thought, Fuck it. Fuck them. We’re fucking. Deal with it.
Odds are they didn’t even notice anyway.

Summary:

• Arousal: 1/5–This is essentially your grandmother’s car. Not particularly sexy, either to look at or to drive.
• Discretion: 4/5–For the above reason, nobody pays any attention to it, either. Pork away, pal. Fuck’er blue.
• Comfort: 4/5–The good-sized back seat and copious legroom common to any full-size sedan worth its salt mean plenty of space in the back of the Avalon. If there’d been time, we’d have tried the front seat, too.
• Best person to hump in this car: Someone you know well enough to be comfortable having “borrowed-Grandpa’s-car-with-my-hot-cousin” fantasies with.

Today we have another car copulation confection for you, compliments of Model T! -Q.P.

Hyundai Equus: Hyundai’s Equus is an entirely new concept for the brand. Once known for economy cars with bargain-basement pricing, the Equus is Hyundai’s attempt to compete with luxury makers like Lexus and Mercedes. And, believe it or not, it works. The massive Equus is a four-passenger executive luxury sedan powered by a stately V8 and designed to carry passengers in first-class comfort. Heated, reclining and massaging seats, rear-seat radio and climate controls and a chilled wine refrigerator in the center console are all part of the package.

It was all so posh that A. and I just had to defile it. In addition to listening to noisy, epic Scandinavian heavy metal (Finntroll, if you must know), eating messy Subway sandwiches in the front seats and covering its glossy black finish with plenty of road grime and salt, we parked it under a burned-out streetlight in Detroit and got busy in the back seat.

It wasn’t as easy as you might think. Like many modern luxury cars, the Equus has daytime running lights, which means that if the engine is on, the lights are on. This became problematic, as keeping the engine running serves both to prevent the windows from fogging up and to facilitate a quick getaway should the need arise. This also meant we couldn’t fuck on the heated and massaging seat while it was heated up and massaging, which was a huge disappointment. The Equus’ rear windows all have privacy shades, at least.

The large rear console made laying down across the car impossible, so we reclined the rear seat as far as it would go and pushed the front passenger seat forward to provide enough room. Once that was done, there was enough space for a passionate quickie. Romance? Foreplay? The Equus needs not these things; we pulled the offending clothes roughly aside and went at it like a high-profile Hollywood star and a hooker on the way to an awards ceremony (only without the cocaine), and if we could’ve had someone to drive us around while we were doing it so we could rush to make ourselves red-carpet presentable after getting off, that would’ve just made the scene perfect.

Summary:

• Arousal: 4/5–The Equus has presence, that’s for sure. It’s often mistaken for a Lexus, but it’s a lot bigger and shows it, especially in black. This is a car that exudes confidence, and confidence is sexy.
• Discretion: 1/5–Depending on the neighborhood, it’s hard to be discreet in any $80,000 sedan, especially one this size.
• Comfort: 3/5–The wide rear seats provided more space than we expected, considering the executive-transport console that takes up a lot of space in the middle.
• Best person to hump in this car: The first vapid piece of bubble-brained eye candy who’s foolish enough to get into the back seat with you on the promise of a part in your upcoming movie/magazine shoot/music video/CD, of course. The Equus politely suggests, “Hump ‘em and dump ‘em.”

Today we have a sexy, sexy car (truck) review from the sexy, sexy Model T! Like a rock, baby (okay, I’m mixing my make metaphors here, but whatever). -Q.P.

Ford F350 King Ranch: The obvious solution to the problem of cramped quarters for car-sex is to find a bigger car. The obvious solution to needing a bigger car is to find a truck. And if you need a big truck, the Ford F350 is a good place to start. Ford didn’t just deliver us a one-ton pickup truck; we got a one-ton, four-wheel drive crew cab with luxurious King Ranch leather trim and dual rear wheels. With a payload of over four thousand pounds, a towing capacity on the far side of twelve thousand, and a thirty-inch step up just to get inside, the F350 was not fucking around when it came to being a piece of heavy-duty equipment.
What had our interest, however wasn’t the massive cargo bed, but the extremely spacious cab. The F350 crew cab is endowed with a cabin the size of a small apartment, only with high-grade leather seats and a DVD entertainment system. There’s almost enough leg room to lie on the floor, and enough headroom for five-footers to just about stand upright inside.

It’s probably no surprise that A. and I had a marvelous time in the back of the F350. It was easily large enough to accommodate pretty much everything we wanted to do–and with deeply tinted windows and a stiff enough suspension that it didn’t rock, we went undisturbed for a good long while as well. With vehicles like this, who needs bedrooms? To be honest, we could have probably had a foursome back there, but there weren’t any volunteers. Maybe next time.

Summary:

• Arousal: 3/5–The F350 has a rugged, working-class appeal. If straightforwardness turns you on, this truck is willing to get in there and do the job.
• Discretion: 3/5–On the one hand, it’s pretty hard to be discreet in an eighteen-foot long luxury pickup truck. On the other hand, the high cabin, dark-tinted windows, and a suspension that is unlikely to rock in the throes of passion mean that even if folks are looking at it, they’re not going to have a clue what’s going on inside!
• Comfort: 5/5–The F350′s about the closest thing to an apartment on wheels that you’re going to find this side of a full-size van or a motorhome. Generous leg- and headroom plus a very wide body mean that you can get into as many positions as you like. And if things are really secluded, you can always throw a queen-size air mattress in the cargo bed and do it under the sky.
• Best person to hump in this car: Anyone you want…and their cute best friend, too.

For a Monday treat, we have another carfucking review from Model T, vehicular virtuoso. Enjoy! -Q.P.

Chrysler Sebring: Chrysler’s Sebring was not well-received after its second major re-design. Very few cars have been quite so universally disliked by both the automotive media and the buying public, and the third-generation Sebring’s gone now, after just three years on the market. The styling was handsome but forgettable, the interior was a poorly-constructed afterthought and the powertrain would have been impressive…in a car ten years older. The Sebring wasn’t fun to drive, and in truth barely fulfilled its duties as a modern vehicle.

To add insult to injury, A. insisted that the cheap interior plastics emitted a smell she referred to as “soapy pussy.”

The Sebring’s general inadequacy as a family sedan worth $25,000 or so did not stop it from being parked outside yet another club after midnight while we went at it in the back seat, however. Chrysler’s decision to raise the Sebring’s roof compared to the previous model gives the car a slightly gawky look on the road, but also provides enough headroom for doggie-style sex in the back seat. We did it across the car, in deference to the scant rear-seat legroom, but then folded the front passenger seat forward so A. could look out the windshield–directly at the house party that was taking place at the end of the block, as it turned out. The folks on the porch seemed amused.

Summary:

• Arousal: 1/5–The Sebring is actually a rather off-putting car. It doesn’t drive all that well, the interior is cheap, and even its “new-car smell” is kind of nasty.
• Discretion: 2/5–Sebrings are common in the rental fleets, but while it’s a relatively common sight, Chrysler did see fit to jazz up the styling just enough that it stands out at the curb. Additionally, it’s got very tall windows and is easy to see into.
• Comfort: 3/5–Plenty of headroom and a back bench that’s kind of like a cheap loveseat make the Sebring a functional mobile pleasure chamber.
• Best person to hump in this car: That hottie who’s on your flight that was just cancelled, now that you’ve both got an evening to kill in a strange city…

It’s time for another automotive sexin’ review from the incomparable Model T! I feel like if I were in the market for a new car, this is the kind of information I’d really want, so I’m very pleased to be able to provide it here. -Q.P.

Honda Accord: The thing about fucking in the car is that, unless you have a garage or a large plot of land somewhere, it’s reasonably public. Sure, as long as the suspension isn’t bouncing off of the bump stops, nobody’s banging on the roof and screaming, the windows aren’t hopelessly fogged up, and you’re not parked in front of a school, it’s reasonably easy to get away with it. For the most part, people don’t pay close attention to the average parked car if there’s no reason to. But still, there’s the possibility of discovery, which can be considered an inconvenience or part of the thrill, depending on your personality. Maybe it’s a bit of both.

An important part of car-sex strategy, then, is to find a reasonably anonymous mobile boudoir. Bright yellow van with “PUSSY WAGON” writ large across the rear doors? Perhaps not. Porsche 911? A bit flashy, and also short on interior space (a caveat learned during my Infiniti G37 adventure). A Honda Accord? Now you’re talking. This ubiquitous family sedan is so common it practically blends into the background on Honda’s own showroom floor.

They even sent me a silver one. I could’ve robbed a bank with this thing, and nobody would have noticed it. Thus, when it was suddenly time to pull over to the side of the highway one evening and drag A. into the back seat, it was impossible to resist. She’s kind of impossible to resist, to be honest.

The Accord’s spacious back seat offers plenty of room for a breakdown-lane tryst, though the seat is a bit too square-edged at the front and sloped at the back for both partners to lie down. If it was a bit more couch-shaped, it’d work better. It’s sized just about right for a diagonal semi-cowgirl position though. Car-sex usually only involves one position–the roof makesmid-stream maneuvering difficult, and chances are time is short anyway. This isn’t about finesse or technique, it’s about real sex, right fucking now, and nothing else.

The Honda Accord’s a great car, though not much of a lust object. It seemed to appreciate the opportunity to be turned into one.

Summary:

• Arousal: 1/5–There really isn’t anything sexy about a Honda Accord. It’s a motoring appliance with a bit of personality, but really it’s about as charming as a nice hotel room.
• Discretion: 4/5–NOBODY notices this thing. Unless someone is standing in the sunroof screaming their ecstasy to the high heavens, the Accord blends into the scenery.
• Comfort: 3/5–A decent-sized back seat offers enough space for two, though the unusually low angle of the backrest prevents it from being sufficiently sofa-shaped for total comfort.
• Best person to hump in this car: An otherwise sensible, possibly slightly nerdy type–the ones you’d never expect to do something like this.

Today we have an exceptional treat on quizzicalpussy.com. My friend Model T., a like for really real professional writer, is guest-posting! For an entire series! And I’m thinking that someone had better just convince him to take me for a test drive so we can do Rashomon-style car-banging accounts. Would that not be artistic? -Q.P.

As an automotive journalist, I have access to a constantly-changing pool of amazing and wonderful new vehicles. Every week I get a new car to take home and treat as my own, to evaluate and review. Yes, it’s an awesome job.

Because the major magazines have the 0-60 timing and skidpad ratings pretty much covered, I tend to focus on cars from a consumer standpoint. Whatever I’m driving, I try to use it as an actual customer would. Commuting, road-tripping, carpooling and running errands are all on the menu, and I can almost always find something to like about whatever I’m driving.

Real consumer sometimes fuck in their cars, too. So, of course, I have to do that once in a while. I wouldn’t be doing my job, otherwise. It’s for science. Of course, the average family newspaper doesn’t really want to run a story about me and A. testing the sexual viability of the latest Toyota or BMW, and I suspect most of the manufacturers and car providers don’t really want to know what goes on in their back seats either.

QP has assured me, however, that you most certainly do; thus, I am here to guest-blog.

Infiniti G37: A. was appalled when I told her I’d never had sex in a car. “But cars are your life!” she gasped. “How could you have never fucked in one?” I didn’t really have an answer, and the subject slid quietly into the greater weave of the conversation.

Fast-forward a few weeks to the arrival of the Infiniti G37 Coupe. The two-door version of Infiniti’s sports sedan is a slickly attractive grand touring car, a lithe and muscular high-speed road-tripper for two people and a bit of luggage. It’s also a seriously sexy vehicle, just the thing for driving to the club. The G37 is the sort of car that looks good cruising at night, with reflected neon lights slipping silently along its curves like silk over skin.

How we ended up half-clothed and banging away in the miniscule back seat a couple of hours later, literally thirty yards from the club’s smoking patio and lit by their floodlights, is a story that starts with A. meeting me on the dance floor, stuffing her panties into my hand and heading for the door without a word. Skipping to the end of that story, I can objectively say that while it is possible to get it on in the rather cramped back seat of an Infiniti G37 Coupe, it will require some contortions (one partner’s foot must be braced against the ceiling) and enough alcohol to mitigate the discomfort caused by the heavily sculpted rear buckets causing one’s back to arch in unnatural ways. I’m flexible, but I would advise fucking in a G37 Coupe only if it is absolutely necessary, as it clearly was in our case. The best car sex is opportunistic and spontaneous, after all.

It was a good way to break my car-sex cherry, for certain. I don’t know if any of the people on the club’s patio saw us, and I’m sure that Infiniti doesn’t know what we did to their car. Not to fear, though; the Japanese luxury manufacturer would not be the last to suffer such defilement at my hands.

Infiniti G37 Coupe Sex Summary:

• Arousal: 4/5–This is a very sexy vehicle. The svelte curves and intricate detailing suggest an owner with an appreciation for the sensual, and one who’s willing to spend close to $40,000 to indulge that appreciation.
• Comfort: 2/5–The rear seats are large enough for two seated adults, but when you stack them on top of each other, they no longer fit so easily.
• Discretion: 2/5–The G37 is a very handsome car; when it’s sitting at the curb, people will notice it. When the windows are fogged up and it’s rocking, they’re even more apt to notice.
• Best person to hump in this car: that unrequited high school crush, preferably in a tryst immediately following the 10-year reunion. Or, better yet, during it.