Guest Post: CARSEX (Pt. 1)
Today we have an exceptional treat on quizzicalpussy.com. My friend Model T., a like for really real professional writer, is guest-posting! For an entire series! And I’m thinking that someone had better just convince him to take me for a test drive so we can do Rashomon-style car-banging accounts. Would that not be artistic? -Q.P.
As an automotive journalist, I have access to a constantly-changing pool of amazing and wonderful new vehicles. Every week I get a new car to take home and treat as my own, to evaluate and review. Yes, it’s an awesome job.
Because the major magazines have the 0-60 timing and skidpad ratings pretty much covered, I tend to focus on cars from a consumer standpoint. Whatever I’m driving, I try to use it as an actual customer would. Commuting, road-tripping, carpooling and running errands are all on the menu, and I can almost always find something to like about whatever I’m driving.
Real consumer sometimes fuck in their cars, too. So, of course, I have to do that once in a while. I wouldn’t be doing my job, otherwise. It’s for science. Of course, the average family newspaper doesn’t really want to run a story about me and A. testing the sexual viability of the latest Toyota or BMW, and I suspect most of the manufacturers and car providers don’t really want to know what goes on in their back seats either.
QP has assured me, however, that you most certainly do; thus, I am here to guest-blog.
Infiniti G37: A. was appalled when I told her I’d never had sex in a car. “But cars are your life!” she gasped. “How could you have never fucked in one?” I didn’t really have an answer, and the subject slid quietly into the greater weave of the conversation.
Fast-forward a few weeks to the arrival of the Infiniti G37 Coupe. The two-door version of Infiniti’s sports sedan is a slickly attractive grand touring car, a lithe and muscular high-speed road-tripper for two people and a bit of luggage. It’s also a seriously sexy vehicle, just the thing for driving to the club. The G37 is the sort of car that looks good cruising at night, with reflected neon lights slipping silently along its curves like silk over skin.
How we ended up half-clothed and banging away in the miniscule back seat a couple of hours later, literally thirty yards from the club’s smoking patio and lit by their floodlights, is a story that starts with A. meeting me on the dance floor, stuffing her panties into my hand and heading for the door without a word. Skipping to the end of that story, I can objectively say that while it is possible to get it on in the rather cramped back seat of an Infiniti G37 Coupe, it will require some contortions (one partner’s foot must be braced against the ceiling) and enough alcohol to mitigate the discomfort caused by the heavily sculpted rear buckets causing one’s back to arch in unnatural ways. I’m flexible, but I would advise fucking in a G37 Coupe only if it is absolutely necessary, as it clearly was in our case. The best car sex is opportunistic and spontaneous, after all.
It was a good way to break my car-sex cherry, for certain. I don’t know if any of the people on the club’s patio saw us, and I’m sure that Infiniti doesn’t know what we did to their car. Not to fear, though; the Japanese luxury manufacturer would not be the last to suffer such defilement at my hands.
Infiniti G37 Coupe Sex Summary:
- Arousal: 4/5–This is a very sexy vehicle. The svelte curves and intricate detailing suggest an owner with an appreciation for the sensual, and one who’s willing to spend close to $40,000 to indulge that appreciation.
- Comfort: 2/5–The rear seats are large enough for two seated adults, but when you stack them on top of each other, they no longer fit so easily.
- Discretion: 2/5–The G37 is a very handsome car; when it’s sitting at the curb, people will notice it. When the windows are fogged up and it’s rocking, they’re even more apt to notice.
- Best person to hump in this car: that unrequited high school crush, preferably in a tryst immediately following the 10-year reunion. Or, better yet, during it.
Ooh! Yes! Carsex is an absolute must. I’m very excited to read this series.
Excellent choice, good sir. The G series definitely out-fucks Nissan’s Z-series for back-seat shennanigan space, which isn’t saying much, but it certainly looks (and sounds) better than fucking half-in the trunk space of a 94 Civic.
(Oh, lo, the high school years..)
I hope the entire series isn’t in back seats. There’s something to be said for laying back a front seat, or sprawling across a hood.
I’m kind of hoping the series will include a shaggin’ wagon.
In a pure 2 seater, like the old RX-7, laying back the front passenger seat is perfered to using the hatch-back area.
It occurs to me that in one of the upcoming features (not this one), we did attempt to do it in the reclined passenger seat, then standing up in the passenger door, but it didn’t work out so well, so I didn’t mention it in the review. Damn!