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17 Mar

Gay marriage is like…

Things people seem to like to compare same-sex marriage to:

With a couple exceptions (because I will never tire of Forbidden Clock Love), I think these chestnuts are getting a bit old. Yeah, yeah, marrying a consenting adult of the same sex is exactly like marrying a horse, sure*. But where’s the impact? And frankly, when we’re comparing it to polygamy, which even has a strong Biblical basis for the Christians to enjoy, not to mention a robust history of past acceptance, the argument conspicuously lacks teeth.

So I, being a humanitarian at my core, decided to come up with some exciting new suggestions for gay marriage comparisons.

If I don’t see these proliferate throughout the news media soon, I’ll be disappointed. Try to forge new territory, people. Being cutting-edge gets hard when your belief system is older than your numeral system, I know. But that’s why you have to pay attention to the little things.

Now, I honestly don’t know why any of the following suggestions are like same-sex marriage, but I don’t really know why the old, cliched ones are either. I trust the pundits to figure out tenuous-but-alarming links for me. That’s pretty much their job anyway, right? So, without further ado…

Gay marriage is really like:

  • Wearing sunglasses indoors.
  • Letting Michael Bay marry explosions!
  • The part in The Labyrinth when David Bowie turns into an owl.
  • Impaling babies on narwhal tusks.
  • Kicking the tires of a new car just because you’ve seen other people do it, but not really knowing what anyone gets out of it.
  • Marrying cancer.
  • Buzkashi, the cut-throat game of goat dragging.
  • Riding a fixed-gear bicycle.
  • Destroying all the cookies in the world.
  • Licking doorknobs when you’ve got a cold and you know you’re still contagious.
  • Throwing monkeys into turbine jet engines.
  • Being in love with just, you know, being in love, man.
  • Giving America AIDS.

I hope this gives the anti-gay marriage activists some new material to work with. You really need to flood the airwaves with as many of these comparisons as possible or people will start conflating gay marriage with marriage marriage, possibly at some point dropping the “gay” qualifier. That would obviously be disastrous to someone. I’m just not positive whom.

But I don’t want to see that tired bestiality thing trotted out yet again, okay guys? You’re better than that.

(image source)

* No.

  1. March 17th, 2011 at 16:39 | #1

    This post is awesome.

    “If we allow a thing, that’s just like allowing any other thing!” logic is not awesome.

    Although consenting-adult polygamy would be awesome.

  2. Model T
    March 18th, 2011 at 00:15 | #2

    If I were gay and female and you and I got married, I would insist on playing buzkashi, throwing monkeys into jet engines and symbolically kicking tires at our wedding.

  3. March 18th, 2011 at 10:06 | #3

    Ahhh, this is fantastic. As is the part in Labyrinth where David Bowie turns into an owl. Or does anything else.

  4. March 19th, 2011 at 03:29 | #4

    Regarding the “legalizing gay marriage is a slippery slope to people marrying animals” argument: couldn’t we just make marrying animals illegal on the grounds that the animal can’t communicate its consent to marry a human?

    Although, honestly, if someone wants to marry their cat…I couldn’t care less.

  5. Matt G
    March 20th, 2011 at 20:36 | #5

    The concept that it is appropriate for the government interfere with consentual marriage is beyond annoying: it’s groupthink self-denial of personal rights.

    For, you hetero conservative lawmakers, you are restricting even your own rights as you restrict those of homosexuals, polymarriages, and zoophiliacs.

  6. March 21st, 2011 at 14:57 | #6

    First of all: Forbidden clock love?

    Second: gay marriage is a GOOD thing, simple as. The ignorance of some people (*hum* Republicans, mainly) scares me a little.

    Third: Forbidden clock love?

    Actually, I have heard of people falling in love with and having sexual relationships with objects. So clock love wouldn’t be completely farfetched.

  7. quizzical pussy
    March 21st, 2011 at 20:23 | #7

    @Holly Letting consenting adults marry each other (or one another) as they see fit would just be so reasonable, I don’t see how we can ever manage it!

    @Model T Add explosions and it’s the best lesbian wedding ever!

    @weareallfromearth I particularly like it when he plays with his ball. Mmmmmmm.

    @Brock F’in Samson Politicians and moral alarmists fail at logic. They just do.

    @Matt G I’m against legislating morality for morality’s sake. Especially when I think loving, supportive relationships between consenting adults IS highly moral, or at least it is good and produces good, which is how I’d define “moral”.

    @DalideB There’s that lady who married the Berlin Wall. Of course even she knows nothing of what it’s like to love a clock, and know your love can never be.

  8. March 23rd, 2011 at 13:19 | #8

    @Quizzical Pussy There’s a mrs. Eiffel tower too, by the way…

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