Gay marriage is like…
- A Slippery Slope
- Counterfeit Money
- Drug Abuse
- Forbidden Clock Love
- Nazi. Fucking. Germany
With a couple exceptions (because I will never tire of Forbidden Clock Love), I think these chestnuts are getting a bit old. Yeah, yeah, marrying a consenting adult of the same sex is exactly like marrying a horse, sure*. But where’s the impact? And frankly, when we’re comparing it to polygamy, which even has a strong Biblical basis for the Christians to enjoy, not to mention a robust history of past acceptance, the argument conspicuously lacks teeth.
So I, being a humanitarian at my core, decided to come up with some exciting new suggestions for gay marriage comparisons.
If I don’t see these proliferate throughout the news media soon, I’ll be disappointed. Try to forge new territory, people. Being cutting-edge gets hard when your belief system is older than your numeral system, I know. But that’s why you have to pay attention to the little things.
Now, I honestly don’t know why any of the following suggestions are like same-sex marriage, but I don’t really know why the old, cliched ones are either. I trust the pundits to figure out tenuous-but-alarming links for me. That’s pretty much their job anyway, right? So, without further ado…
Gay marriage is really like:
- Wearing sunglasses indoors.
- Letting Michael Bay marry explosions!
- The part in The Labyrinth when David Bowie turns into an owl.
- Impaling babies on narwhal tusks.
- Kicking the tires of a new car just because you’ve seen other people do it, but not really knowing what anyone gets out of it.
- Marrying cancer.
- Buzkashi, the cut-throat game of goat dragging.
- Riding a fixed-gear bicycle.
- Destroying all the cookies in the world.
- Licking doorknobs when you’ve got a cold and you know you’re still contagious.
- Throwing monkeys into turbine jet engines.
- Being in love with just, you know, being in love, man.
- Giving America AIDS.
I hope this gives the anti-gay marriage activists some new material to work with. You really need to flood the airwaves with as many of these comparisons as possible or people will start conflating gay marriage with marriage marriage, possibly at some point dropping the “gay” qualifier. That would obviously be disastrous to someone. I’m just not positive whom.
But I don’t want to see that tired bestiality thing trotted out yet again, okay guys? You’re better than that.