ConTuesday! In Agreement
ConTuesday is a sort of gentleman’s agreement. I, being a gentleman, have agreed to post your secrets anonymously. You, being a gentleman, have agreed to make them interesting. Let’s see how we did this week, shall we, old chap?
I live in the dorms at my school, and the walls are paper-thin, and the girl next door has lots and lots of noisy sex with her boyfriend. I love listening to them. (I don’t feel nearly as guilty or gross about that as I think I should.)
I feel like there are unspoken agreements about noisy sex. One of these is that you have no right to have it if you object to innocent bystanders enjoying what they hear.
The beating quotient in my life has been low lately, and every time I get a really good, strong massage it feels so good on the pain/pleasure spectrum that I feel dishonest in my massage-getting intentions (even thought I’ve gotten them for years to combat bad posture and regular heavy lifting). How do I not feel like a sketchy skeevy liar?
Okay, I’m not a Licensed Massage Therapist, but perhaps one of my readers will give an LMT’s perspective on this.
Honestly, though? Getting pleasure out of a massage is very often the entire point of the venture. And even for sexual feelings, LMTs know that arousal happens. Sometimes it’s just an involuntary, purely physical response, but it still feels good. Your job is to keep that in perspective and not expect, suggest, or hint at any “extra” services. But if you’re getting a massage for physical pleasure and being respectful, I don’t really see a problem.
Again, people who do massage for a living (or don’t but have an opinion on the matter) are extremely welcome to comment.
My boyfriend (who is amazing, makes me come my brains out every time we have sex and has come close to making me pass out a couple of times) sometimes decides that I need to get off, but he’s fine, so he’ll get me off, and then cuddle up and go to sleep.
This weekend, it was the other way around, and I gave him a blowjob and then cuddled up. The conversation after that almost made me wet myself laughing.
”Are you REALLY going to sleep?”
”Yeah, I told you, tonight was about you.”
”But…. you didn’t come.”
”I’m fine, honest.”
”But…”
”Hush, go to sleep.”
”Fine. Meanie.”
”Wait a second, let me get this straight. I’m mean because I gave you a blowjob, and let you go to sleep.”
”Yes.”
”Just so we’re clear, here. I’m mean…. because I gave you a blowjob….. and let you go to sleep.”
”Oh shut up.”
I can’t even respond to this. I’m just absolutely appalled at how incredibly mean you are. I just don’t even… wow. Meanie.
She’s a friend of a friend. She got my number, and started sending me hot texts. I was fairly neutral with her, because I’m in a completely monogamous relationship.
Finally, one night, I spoke to her. The phone sex spontaneously erupted, steamy, explicit, and imaginitive. She is VERY good at it, and I found myself uttering things into the phone that I’ve never said to any woman, even while having real sex.
She put the phone to her pussy to let me hear her fapping as she moaned in the background, and that took me over. She groaned my name she came.
Have I cheated? I will never physically touch her. But the phone sex has been incredible. Is it just making excuses to note that I’ve begged my real life partner for more sex, and she doesn’t mind in the least if I masturbate while looking at pron?
I feel like there are spoken agreements that couples should probably have. One of those is deciding what cheating means to them. See, for some people having intercourse with other people isn’t cheating; for others, looking at porn is. Coming to your spoken agreement means, like, speaking to each other about it, though.
That being said, even if you’re not technically cheating due to the loophole of not having clearly defined cheating with your monogamous partner, what you’re doing is pretty damn cheaty. The real question, I think, is whether or not you’re okay with that.
Now, kind reader, please tell me all your lascivious secrets. I’d appreciate it!
My job as a massage therapist is to make the massage enjoyable for my client. As QP said, as long as you don’t ask/hint for a happy ending, I don’t care what’s going through your head. :)
Confessor #3′s boyfriend sounds exactly like my boyfriend. :)
Confessor #4, if you wouldn’t want to tell your partner about it, it’s cheating.
Confessor #4, ditto on what ozymandias said. Some people can have sex with a stranger in a public bathroom and not have that be cheating, because afterwards they go home, crawl into bed with their partner and whisper “Guess what I did tonight”.
@ozymandias @minuteye Generally, I agree with this rule and think it probably applies here, but I didn’t want to put it out as a guideline because people in abusive relationships can easily get to the point where they’re feeling guilty just talking to people, and hide nearly all human interactions from their partners. I hate the thought of reinforcing it.
Also, still other people– even in healthy relationships– get uptight and worry about telling their partners about harmless flirting, even when those partners would be fine (or even happy) with it. Really, having a conversation about what cheating means solves a lot of ambiguity.
“As QP said, as long as you don’t ask/hint for a happy ending, I don’t care what’s going through your head.”
But that often has physical reactions. If your client never says a word, but turns over to display a huge erection, do you continue the massage? End it early? Give him a minute? What’s the standard protocol there? Curious minds want to know.
(By “display”, I mean that it’s obvious even under the draping.)
You make a good point, QP. Particularly since there are people with a “don’t ask don’t tell” extra-relationship sex agreement…
Psst. Don’t tell Christina, but her massages are so ossum that I totally get girl-word.
girl-woOd. Wood. GIrlwood.
Shit. I fucked that up.
someone just stop me, please?
G, erections aren’t uncommon. It’s like the elephant in the room, you just ignore it until it goes away. Neither the client nor therapist should comment on it. Just don’t *twitch* it at me. ;)
I massaged a lovely Canadian tourist once, and he and I chatted about his kid’s trumpet playing, while totally ignoring the obvious tent he’d pitched with the sheet. :D
Phlegmmy, you know I love you! And I adore your girl-word. Wood, even.
Girl wood. Girl would!
Whimper.
@Christina LMT
Now I really want to rewatch the scene in Zoolander where Ben Stiller gets a massage.
I’ve been thinking I have to revisit my massage techniques because almost every girl I’ve worked on recently has told me afterwards that she got wet, and that’s not what I’ve been going for. I’ve been experimenting with adding techniques that seem to feel really good, but apparently they feel really good because they’re sexy. The one that gets the biggest reaction, though, is a fairly normal effleurage on the back technique, that my teacher called Chinese “I”: pressing with my whole hands but a little more with the heels, starting from the neck, out to the shoulders and back in to the spine, down both sides of the spine, out over the top of the pelvis and back in to the spine, back up to the neck. I do it with heavy pressure.
All of these girls were interested in me sexually before the massage, so that probably has a lot to do with it.
Massage guy…You could always go to a Happy Ending House and get everything massaged.
But seriously, erections happen LOL. Massage therapist have seen enough of them to know that weiners sometimes get hard when you least want them to. Youhave a person rubbing all over your naked body. It feels good. I think I’d be more surprised if men dind’t get hard during a massage. Just try to not say “There’s an extra $20 in it for ya if my little friend gets a massage, too”.
I enjoyed my first massage a few weeks ago. It was great. I was, however, slightly nervous about getting a chubby. I bet I wood have twitched it just once but not necessarily at my masseuse.
Erections are not exactly the problem in this situation… a feeling of dishonest intentions was. Good to know nobody thinks it is a big deal, but interesting to know that everyone jumped strait to “Dude”.
@Massage Girl I feel like if your intentions are physical pleasure, that’s not actually dishonest at all. But if you feel shady, that’s kind of what really matters, of course. Knowing it doesn’t objectively look that way is probably not going to change your feelings.
I consciously tried to keep my original response gender neutral. I try not to assume with anonymous confessions. Guess it didn’t really come across that way, though. Dude.
QP, you won the gender neutral round. Everyone talking about my special boner did not :D
I just needed a little reassurance. And after a bad massage today, there was no good pain anyway. Wish me luck next time. *shrug*
oh, and one more thing to “am I cheating” guy: I know we all have the ability to get bored and it certainly sounds as though this new woman found a way into the murkier erotic recesses of your psyche. It does sound as though things are very vanilla with your monogamous relationship. What I wonder is if you and your regular partner are not cheating yourselves out of a lot of pleasure you could be having by being a little more exploratory with regard to how you interact sexually? My observation has been that most women are capable of far more wild tangents than their men could ever have imagined. Maybe you need to call her up and talk dirty– she may surprise you. You may find your thoughts stray back to your committed partner. Or you may want to re-think to whom you are exclusive.
@phlegmfatale
I have cybered with my life partner. I’ve talked so very dirty with her. We’ve had sex (very successfully) while another couple in the room did the same thing (without touching). We love each other, but our libidos are not syched. I love her, but I’m not getting the same output that I’m putting in.
I maturbate about every day.
I’m not “oversexed.” I’m not a “sex addict.” I’m just in love with a woman who’s not giving me enough erotic interaction.
Sometimes, I masturbate to an erotic stimulus.