quizzical pussy

Secret time! This set hasn’t even emptied my inbox of juicy secrets yet, but I’m trying to share them in posts of easily digestible length. Enjoy! There are more to come soon…

As a teenager, I couldn’t get a proper dildo so I masturbated with stuff I found around the house. The weirdest object I used was a rubber toy alligator. It was actually pretty good.

(Tail first or teeth first?)

I’ve had fantasies about most of my friends at some point, but it the asking and aftermath would just be too weird to try anything. But, I’m mostly afraid that the ones I don’t wanna fuck will be jealous or insulted!

I fooled around with a man in his thirties when I was 15 and 16. It actually turned out really well, and we’re still good friends (6 years later).

I’m a cis female who identifies as bi, and I’ve definitely fallen in love with/had super intense chemistry with a woman before, but the women I have ended up having sex with I wasn’t attracted to.

I am highly intolerant of foreplay–it bores me and dries me out. (I’m a chick!)

I’ve told very, very few people about that night when a guy I was set up with by a friend sexually assaulted me. I’ve had a hard time convincing myself that it wasn’t my fault and that it actually was assault. Because I am the rape apologist’s wet dream – I was drinking, I’m a known slut, we were on a date, we’d been kissing, for fuck’s sake, we’d even played a strip drinking game with all our mutual friends – before they went off to have sex and left us alone.

I know it doesn’t matter. I said no. Maybe I was a tease. But I still said no. I didn’t even hedge! I put on my clothes, said I just wanted to sleep, said no no no. Over and over again. But I was drunk. My head was fuzzy. When he pulled me down and tried to make me in the mood by giving me oral through my panties (which I held onto when he’d tried to pull them down as he pulled me down) I thought to myself, ‘I like oral, shouldn’t I like this?’ And I didn’t push him away at first. At first being the first thirty seconds. Then I pushed him off, because no, I didn’t like it, because no, I didn’t want it.

That last part I leave out of the story I told to the few people who know. It confuses even me. How can what happened to me be called assault when for a few seconds I tried to get into it? All of my hardened feminism wouldn’t doubt another woman for a minute, though. Another woman telling me this, I would say over and over again that she had a right to say no -whenever- she wanted it to stop, and if it didn’t it -would be- assault or rape. I had said no before his attempt at oral – that was assault. I said no after when he made me reciprocate – that was assault. I said no as he rubbed his erection on my back, pulling on my clothes and begging me to just let him in, just for a second, it would be fast, just the tip, for around an hour because our hosts had left us to spend the night in the living room – that was assault.

But there’s a part of me that still thinks it was just a bad date. A bad night with an asshole. He didn’t rape me, after all. If you don’t count forcing a penis into someone’s mouth as rape, anyway. And that was for only half a minute at most! I didn’t even leave! Sure, the buses had stopped running, and I would have had to get a cab home, but if I was willing to spend the night in the same room as my would-be rapist (as long as I could convince him to stop trying), how could that be assault? And I only had the one nightmare about it. Not a big deal. I mean, I was fine! I hated him after that, but it didn’t make me feel like my body wasn’t mine, it didn’t put me off sex, I don’t get flashbacks. I’m fine. And if I’m not traumatized, how could it have been assault? Or rape?

All these things I know aren’t true, but I can’t help thinking them. Obviously, I never called the cops. They wouldn’t have done anything, and I would have needed more confidence that something needed to be done to make anything happen to him. I only told the friends who set us up the bare minimum. He wouldn’t leave me alone, he kept grabbing at me, I said. They apologized, said we’d never hang out with him together again.

But I know – intellectually, no matter what other victim blaming shit goes on in there, that I was assaulted. That it was only my force of will that kept him from completing his rape of me. A girl just a little less assertive would have walked out of that apartment raped. And if it happened to me, it has probably happened to other girls, and will continue to happen to other girls, and I really had an obligation to go to the cops, if not for my sake, then for theirs. But I didn’t. And that makes me feel so full of guilt.

(I think a lot of women who are raped feel conflicted and unsure about many of these things. But that asshole raped you, and you have nothing to feel guilty about, not even in regards to your silence. Thank you for sharing this.)

While we do have a lot of sex with dominance and submission, my boyfriend is really into the sappy romantic stuff. He likes to go slowly and gently, staring into my eyes. That doesn’t do it for me, but it is an important part of his sexual needs, so to make it more interesting for me, I’ve come up with a fantasy. In this fantasy, the slow and gentle isn’t about romance – it’s about dominance. I don’t want him inside me, and he’s going to make sure it lasts and lasts, and I feel every inch of him taking me, over and over. The eye contact is another way of establishing exactly who is in control. Using this fantasy, he gets the sappy romantic sex he needs, and I get the dominant sex I need, and we routinely have simultaneous orgasms. It’s fantastic!

All those stories about lesbians in olden times who dressed and lived as men and married young women who didn’t know any better because they didn’t even know what a penis looked like turn me on very much.

I sometimes wish I could do that and have a pretty, innocent little wife who saw me as a real man. I could do it if I infiltrated a sheltered religious community. Yes I’ve put that much thought into it. I’m a straight woman by the way. WTF

Do you have a secret to share anonymously? I want it!