quizzical pussy

Turns out they’re not nearly as scary as I thought they’d be. But they do make me awfully giggly…

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There is an art to giving a handjob. You will notice here that I don’t claim to have mastered this art, simply that it exists. I’ll admit that this is one of my weaker points when it comes to sexual skills. To me, a handjob is usually an entirely pragmatic maneuver: I’m trying to get or keep a penis hard until I can put it somewhere more exciting than between my hands. Handjobs, however artistic they have the potential to be, usually end up being transitional for me. I enjoy the penis touching, of course, but I can’t help thinking about what parts of me it could be touching forthwith.

And I have to admit, that sort of bugs me about myself.

I’m not a big fan of downtime. I would prefer that every moment with me be mindblowing for my lovers. In a perfect world my lips would vibrate, my cervix would have a tongue, and my hands stroking a penis would be as Aphrodite’s hands. In a perfect world. As it is, they are regular hands, and I sometimes worry that my handjobs are boring. There. I said it.

This is not why I gave my boyfriend Laramy the Tenga Egg Babeland sent me. But it’s part of why I offered to help him try it out. Also, though, sex toys are a hobby of mine, and you’re supposed to share your hobbies with your partner, right? It’s what couples do. Astoundingly, Laramy seemed much more eager to explore this than my equally avid interests in yoga and belly dancing.

The Tenga Egg is a cute, clever disposable masturbation sleeve. You can wash and reuse it if you’re careful, but it’s not the most robust sex toy ever made. It’s made of soft, flexible silicone elastomer, and available in six different textures. The cute, clever part is really in the packaging: these sleeves come in little plastic eggs with colorful labels. You can buy a fairly adorable single egg for $8.50, or you can save money and get a set of six in a crazy adorable egg carton! I haven’t seen a men’s sex toy presented this whimsically since some wag made it suddenly seem possible to fuck Yoda Yaddle.

I was excited to see how Laramy liked the Tenga Egg, and maybe even get to feel like a handjob goddess. Why should my mouth get all the accolades? I mean, seriously!

The different textures include: what seem to be twisty vertical ribs, wavy horizontal ribs, a spider web (clearly the most erotic pattern known to man), knobby polka dots, thin spun thread patterns, and, the one Laramy ended up with, the “Stepper”, which looks– just to put this in the sexiest terms possible– like semicircular flaps arranged like scales. Or something. It seemed promising… stimulating.

We tore open the little packet of lube that comes with the Egg, applied it to both toy and tool, and took turns stroking. The sleeve is kind of like a looser, thicker, stretchier condom. Laramy said it felt good and the material was pleasant, but he didn’t seem to feel transported, as you might be if you were getting a handjob from, say, a goddess. Gradually, two problems became  apparent:

1. The lube provided was more sticky than it was at all lube-like.
2. The textured part of the Egg was concentrated around the sides, instead of the tip. All that exciting, scaly sensation was focused on the less sensitive parts of his penis. When fully stretched, the sleeve was completely untextured around the head of his cock.

The first problem is easy: inferior lube tends to get sticky. I would generally recommend someone use a lube they know they like when playing with a new toy anyway. But the second issue? Made no sense to either of us. Why would anyone design a toy with an emphasis on interesting textures and make sure those textures only touched shaft?

“Maybe it’s having to stretch too far because your cock is too big,” I suggested. Laramy did not hate that postulation. I think that might actually be what it was, though. Laramy does have a formidable dick, and otherwise we’re looking at just a glaring design flaw. Whatever the issue, the Tenga Egg didn’t work for him, although he thought it was promising in concept. He actually asked me if it was okay if he threw it away.

We ended the session with Laramy washing that horrendous lube off his cock and fucking me, which is usually exactly what I’m hoping to get out of a handjob.

Thanks, Babeland!

 

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I’m a very, very normal person.

Aside from the nymphomania, the utter absurdity, the crazy hair, the whimsy, the sluttishness, physical disabilities, geekery both sexual and general, and all the aberrant philosophies, I’m totally and completely normal. Probably just about as normal as you, anyway. No offense.

And you know what? I love sex toys. Normal people love sex toys. Normal people buy them. And normal people have a whole hell of a lot of fun using them.

And I recently bought my first glass dildo in honor of Buy A Sex Toy day! Here’s what it looks like:

Some of you may remember my long-cherished dream to own a tentacle dildo. Oh yeah, I make shit happen.

What did you buy, oh-so-normal readers?

Saturday, June 4th is Buy A Sex Toy Day! It’s so exciting you could just gag, isn’t it?

The idea behind BAST is simple. Imagine a world where no one’s ashamed of buying sex toys. Where you only hide them because you don’t want other people to steal them. Imagine feeling free to compare favorites with your friends and safely share with your partners without worrying about threatening them.

Imagine thinking of sex toys as a healthy, normal part of life, and using them is no more pathetic or deviant than using a toothbrush. It’s just more fun.

That’s the kind of world I’d like to live in. That’s why I started BAST day. Because if you buy a sex toy and you brag about it, on the internet or elsewhere, you will almost certainly make at least one person think, “Well, if normal people are doing it, maybe I’ve got the wrong idea about sex toys…”

And from that moment, with that epiphany, that person has a chance to be a little happier. Orgasms have that much power.

So if you’re with me, blog this, tweet this, social network the fuck out it, whatever you kids are doing. And treat yourself to something special this weekend. You deserve it.

Then don’t forget to brag about it.

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I once had an orgasm from someone touching my hand the right way. They don’t tell you about that sort of thing in those books full of sex tips because it’s not a normal sort of thing to expect from life. However, I was there and it happened. Confirmed: I’m, like, Sunday morning easy to get off. Nevertheless, I may be becoming a bit of a toy snob. And the more toys I try, the less and less I’m willing to fuck around with the ones that don’t do it for me. Why am I wasting my time, I think, when I could be finding someone to touch my hand?

So when I end up saying “meh” about a sex toy, it’s not because it didn’t bring me to orgasm. Let’s face it, it probably did. However, I’m reasonably sure I could get off by slapping my vulva with a wooden spoon.

Hrm. Brb. Yup.

For me to like a toy, though, it has to live up to my increasingly picky standards. And right now that means I have to at least want to use it again, ever.

Having said that, my opinion on Vibratex’s elastomer Rabbit Pearl? A resounding “meh”. Actually, I can go one further: I was actively disappointed.

I am far from anti concerning rabbit-style vibes. Didn’t I enjoy my Jackrabbit until it squealed uncle and then disintegrated from overuse? But the Pearl seemed like a huge step backward in power and detail. Maybe there’s a good reason for that: it is “the original” after all.

The Rabbit Pearl is famous, bitch. This you must realize. The packaging wants you to understand that it was “Featured in HBO’s Sex and the City”, and that this was the first dual action rabbit-style vibrator on the market. This might be a case of mistaken identity, though, because Babeland is telling me that the actual T.V. star toy is the Vibratex Rabbit Habit, but yeah. I don’t really care about all that. I just want to get off, and none of those Sex and the City chicks is really my type, so I’m not concerned with what they put in their pussies.

The Pearl is made of elastomer, a phthalate-free, latex-free, material that’s safe with silicone or water-based lubes. It’s soft and rubbery. The eponymous pearls are plastic beads that create textural interest as they move around the rotating shaft of the dildo portion of the toy.

Oh, and funny story: This thing takes three C batteries to actually work. If you go out and buy AA batteries it will not magically take them based on your good intentions and desire to get off now. This is, admittedly, not a shortcoming of the toy.

The Rabbit Pearl’s control system is different from the rabbit vibes I’m used to. Instead of buttons on the base of the toy, there’s a separate (also dildo-shaped, so don’t get confused) control console connected by wires to the shaft. The controls are simple:  there are two dimmers the console, one to control each type of action: shaft and vibrator. The separate console makes it a little more versatile and accessible for partner play, but considerably less one-handed. I found it difficult to click and close smut-infested tabs while changing the intensity of my Pearl.

This toy, like all rabbit-style vibes, boasts an insertable shaft that rotates (with the beads adding interest), and an attached rabbit-skinned bullet vibe. The latter’s ears, soft and floppy, are meant to flicker over the clitoris. The vibrations get reasonably intense at their height, and are never disruptively loud; the rotation is basically always quiet and uninspiring. The shaft/bullet one-two punch has made many, many women happy over the years. Me, I find that when the shaft is inserted the rabbit ears don’t line up quite right with my clit. This makes the whole dual-action thing more like pick-one-action for me, at least. Do I have odd pussy-to-clit proportions? Possibly.

But honestly, I suspect even someone with a perfect Fibonacci’s vulva could do better. I’ve had better vibrators; I’ve had better dildos. I suspect there are better combos. Overall, I wouldn’t bother with The Rabbit Pearl with all the other amazing toys that exist in the world.

Thanks, Babeland!

You guys! It’s only one month until Buy A Sex Toy day! June 4th approaches.

BAST is a high holy day, full of excuses to buy sex toys and then brag about them on the internet. So, if you want to participate, start thinking about what you want to get.

But hey, if you’re getting this thing, whatever in the world it is?

…Maybe this you don’t have to brag about, per se. Maybe you just keep this purchase to yourself.

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Wow, so yeah, this is a thing: A Cat-5 Cable Flogger. Fuck yes. Now, I’ve never flogged nor been flogged by anyone, ever (and this flogger looks particularly ouchy for a first flight), but I want one anyway. Because, you see, it is a cat-5 flogger. That’s just too adorkable.

The Wand Controller: Has the Hitachi found its match?

I’ve made little secret about the fact that the renowned Hitachi Magic Wand doesn’t quite do it for me. I’ve had orgasms with it, of course, but I’ve had better orgasms from tight jeans. And in my bedroom, all unitaskers have to give great orgasms.

One of my major complaints with the Magic Wand was the two vibrations settings. They are, to quote my Magic Wand review, respectively “boring” and “clitoris-searing”, and both leave my clitoris feeling numb. This is generally not the sensation palette I’m looking for while fapping.

When I saw that there existed such a thing as a Wand Controller, though, I thought that perhaps this device would resuscitate my relationship with the world’s favorite sex toy.

Let’s find out if it did, shall we?

The concept is to provide a full range of vibration intensities beyond the Hitachi’s factory-installed two. In short, its a dimmer for your vibrator. Simple, ingenious concept.

The Wand Controller comes in a cardboard box. I hate it when anything, but especially a sex toy, comes in clamshell packaging, so I was instantly disposed to like it. On taking it out, though: truthfully, this thing looks a bit like Baby’s First RadioShack Project. Its cord is six feet long and puzzling in its thickness (it’s as girthy as my surge protector’s cord) terminating in a box with a dimmer, a fuse, a three-way switch, and an outlet for your Magic Wand.

Also, as a bonus, there was a stray blob of solder on mine. And this may just be because I’m clumsy, but I swear I could cut myself on the Controller’s plastic casing given half a chance.

The auspices weren’t great. The Wand Controller really doesn’t look like a feat of modern engineering. But to be fair, it’s not pretending to be one. And neither is the Magic Wand, for that matter. They’re both functional designs without superfluity of thoughtful details. The important thing is how they do their jobs.

So, how well does the Wand Controller do its job? Reliably, and pretty much exactly like you’d think. It opens a up a great many intensity options you never had before. With this device, you suddenly have a full range from nothing to max on both the traditional levels, just by flipping a couple switches and exploring the dial.

As someone constantly looking for a strong, steady vibration of the perfect intensity, this would be perfect for me if I liked the Hitachi’s vibrations in the first place.

It’s just, you know, I don’t. There’s something about the fundamental nature of how the Magic Wand vibrates that just doesn’t do it for me, and I see that now that I’ve adjusted the intensity every which way.

Out of curiosity, I also plugged my Wahl 7-in-1 into the Controller, but alas, no dice. The Controller was no better than an extension cord, rendering the Wahl cold and lifeless unless the fader was at its highest setting. It was worth a shot.

The product could be slicker, but the Wand Controller does what it promises. Overall, if you already love the Hitachi Magic Wand, you’ll most likely appreciate the extra flexibility of customized vibrations and a six-foot longer reach. I think it’s a wonderful companion to the Wand.

If you’re like me and don’t really get the Hitachi hype, the Wand Controller probably won’t be enough to change your mind. Go back to massaging your necks, people. Nothing to see here.

Thanks, Babeland!

My Heart Will Hang You From Your Toes by Belenen

Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. For updates and information follow our RSS Feed and Twitter.

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e[lust] #21

Editor

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

On to the reviews… Read more…

Once, long ago, I said a thing to my good friend Miriam Spiralti, and she never forgot it. In fact, in a way, I think she believes it encapsulates my personality. In her mind, this is probably my catch phrase. At least she brings it up a lot and cracks up every time. And what is it? I’ll tell you.

“Sometimes you just want a dick in your ass.”

The reason Miriam finds this statement so profoundly hilarious is the simple reality that no, she does not in fact ever just want a dick in her ass. But obviously I do.

Interestingly, I divulged this information before ever having successful, non-painful anal intercourse. But there was this craving that existed long before pleasure was thoroughly invoked. I’d grasped tantalizing teasers of how great it could be, but always cut with discomfort and pain because I was too passive and ignorant to insist on lube. But my body still knew what it wanted. Bodies are weird that way.

So I’m not really sure why it took me so long to try a butt plug.

I have a hard plastic slimline vibrator that I allocated for ass duty, and it enhances my fapping considerably. But putting things like fingers and hard plastic and rose quartz up your ass isn’t quite the same as using something firm-yet-squishy like a penis* or, say, the premium silicone Tantus Little Flirt.

The Little Flirt is wee, only an inch(ish) in diameter at its thickest (not counting the base, which is rectangular and flared). It is definitely a beginner’s plug. There’s a Big Flirt, which I haven’t tried yet, for those who feel that they’ve graduated to something bigger. The Little Flirt is, well, little.

The silicone is softer than I expected, but in practice it feels right. It and the tapered tip allow for comfortable insertion with a little water-based lube (keep in mind that silicone lube and silicone toys can result in silicone mess), but the shape retains a good degree of integrity even if you’re gripping the hell out of it in the throes of an anal orgasm, although the toy can sometimes feel dangerously close to being pushed out if the orgasm is mighty.

Let’s talk shape for a moment, shall we? Its contours are modest but you can feel every flare and cinch of them because they are happening in your butt. It’s awkward that I can’t really compare it to other anal-specific toys, but here’s what I know: it feels good when I have it in while I’m masturbating. And I keep meaning to try it whilst fucking.

In the interest of journalistic rigor (or something) I decided to bring the Little Flirt grocery shopping with me. While it was inside me, if you didn’t happen to infer that all on your own. Some people like to have a butt plug in all day, and premium silicone is one of the safer materials to use for that purpose. So I decided to go for it, although prolonged butt obstruction isn’t really a turn-on for me.

I want to be very clear that I was wearing sweatpants, no makeup, and I still had bedhead at two in the afternoon when I embarked on this adventure. It just goes to show you that the person wearing the butt plug in your local grocery store will often not be the first person you’d guess. Anyway, here’s what happened:

2:00 PM (in bedroom, just after insertion): This is going to be awesome. I think I’m already getting a little wet.

2:05 PM (leaving house): It feels like it might possibly slip out at some point. Get ready to be embarrassed, me.

2:10 PM (in car): It can’t possibly fall out while I’m sitting down. I am an evil genius.

2:15 PM (in parking lot): I can sort of see how someone could wear a butt plug all day.

2:20 PM (walking around store): How in the goddamn do people wear butt plugs all day long? It’s getting wicked uncomfortable now that I’m walking around. I need to adjust the Little Flirt a bit as I pass the makeup aisle. I hope it just looks like I have a wedgie.

2:30 PM: This feeling. The one in my butt. I do not love it. Also, Christmas music alfuckingready? Is that seriously what we’re doing today?

2:40 PM: The bathroom is now on the opposite side of the store. I am trapped on the far end of the grocery store with a piece of food-grade silicone in my ass. I brought this on myself.

2:45 PM: I WANT TO GO HOME –Oooooh almond milk’s on sale– RIGHT NOW PLEASE.

I’m going to go ahead and call this experiment “not a success”. I can’t tell you whether my shopping adventure would’ve gone better with another plug. Maybe I’m just not cut out for taking anal play to the streets.

The biggest downside to the Little Flirt, though, is really that it’s more gateway drug than toy. There’s the kind of pleasure that’s whole and satisfying unto itself, and then there’s the kind that ignites a burning need for more, NOW. We’re dealing with the latter kind. The Little Flirt is a warmup, a tease, a… actually, it’s exactly what it says it is. It’s a flirt.

In short, it is a beginner’s anal toy. It might not take long for you to crave something bigger, but it’s excellent for getting over your novice timidity.

Thank you, Babeland!

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*Apologies to people with penises for insinuating that your organs are anything short of titanium-hard, but you know what I mean, right? Rest assured that I find penises  much firmer than this toy, for what it’s worth.