Your Mom
I’m not the best gift giver, especially when we’re talking about prescribed gift-giving events. If I find something that reminds me of you and that I think you have to own, I’m happy to buy it and give it to you. I might even wrap it. But how often do I find such a thing close to an actual birthday or gift-giving holiday? Not all that often. And I’m not about to hoard an item for months waiting for an authorized moment to give it to you. That’s madness! So when a special date rolls around, I’m often at a loss.
*THAT'S WHY I STOPPED! (could not resist)
Another shortcoming I have is that I have trouble thinking up sentimental gifts. I often opt to give something practical, which, to be honest, does tend to get a little fucking boring.*
The thing that drives me absolutely cuckoo is when people refuse to tell you what they want for their birthdays, etc., but clearly want you to come up with something inventive and thoughtful or they’ll be massively disappointed. That is terribly irritating, and probably some kind of metaphor for the kind of relationship you have with that person, although I can’t be bothered to suss out exactly how at the moment.
But one thing I do know, no matter how hard it might be to decide what gift to get for someone, there will always be some hard and fast rules regarding what NOT to get your mother for Mother’s Day.
For example, do not (ever) buy her any of the following unless following a specific and explicit request rendered in person and before witnesses (and even then, by all means have misgivings!):
- Black market organs
- Horrible Mothers: Breach of a Sacred Trust by Alice Thie Vieira
- Cocaine
- A stripper
- Sexy lingerie
- Vaginal rejuvenation surgery
- An e-card
- Parenting for Dummies
- A huge mess that’s not going to clean itself
- A vibrator
Newegg, apparently, did not get this memo. Behold:
This is a excerpt from an actual recent Newegg promotional email that arrived in Laramy’s inbox, and he was kind enough to share it. Go on and click it for the full thing on Newegg’s site. It is very true! Go on. I’ll wait… Yup, they’re actually suggesting that you buy your mom a Hitachi Magic Wand, because it’s not a sex toy, no! It’s a personal massager. But really, you guys, it’s a sex toy, right? Can’t we just all agree on that once and for all and admit that when people use it for other purposes (as I do) it’s aberrant?
And get one for my mom? Bad. News. Bears. Don’t listen to Newegg. They crazy. Although, $32.79 isn’t a bad price for a Magic Wand…
Yeah, I can’t top that, even with all the weird ass gifts my mom and I have given each other over the years (once she bought me a three foot tall inflatable penis… which subsequently got used for various drunken escapades and pictures and I have no idea where it ended up… damnit.)
This year I’m giving her her first horseback ride since her knee surgery. We’re going to the canyons for an afternoon.
@FarmGirl Your mom is clearly awesome. Have a great time on your ride; that’s a great gift!
That’s a crazy deal. The local toy store charges $70 something. *contemplates replacing my 2-year-old model*
Yo momma so vanilla she kept the Magic Wand out in the living room. For guests, perhaps.
…yo momma so kinky she did the same thing.
@mangoesandlimes I wonder if they have any great bargains on other sex toys. “My mom” (read: I) could really use a new rabbit!
@Holly Pervocracy If hawtness were bricks, kinky mom would be a quadrangle.
…I think I’m doing it wrong.
White girls cannot play the dozens. Evar.
Ha! Just clicked the link to Newegg. I like that the other suggestion is a large TV and “her favorite DVDs.” She could use them with her wand!
And no sign of rabbits. Just variations on the magic wand under “personal care.” Amazon has decent prices on toys, though.
I LOVE E-bay for toys. I’ve gotten some great deals on new, factory sealed, toys there.
I haven’t been a long time reader of your blog but, what I’ve read so far, I love. I made my way here via a link from Holly’s lovely little site. I can’t help but tell you that I wish I knew where you lived (not address, just general area) so we could somehow bump into each other and become friends so I could have an awesome nickname. (I hope you took that in the joking manner it was meant an not in any sort of “crazy stalker” sort of way).
Seriously, reading your blog, and Holly’s, it’s nice to be able to read a blog and think “OMG, me too”, with almost every new post. I’m addicted to the Tuesday confessions and, while I won’t tell you which one was mine, I will tell you that it was in the first set of secrets posted. Great idea.
Uh…so, yeah, E-bay for toys. woohoo. :)
@June Clever I haven’t tried ebay for toys yet. Good tip. Although, going on there is typically dangerous for me. I’m currently the high bidder on a Disney lanyard pin and I have no idea what the fuck a lanyard pin is! I wish I were kidding.
I’m so glad you like my blog! This comment made my day and I took nothing in a “crazy stalker” way. :)