The wank that dare not speak its name (Pt. 1)
I dated Edwin Pomble for several years, but I never understood his odd prejudices. One in particular that galled me, upsets me to think about even now, was his awful double standard about toys.
Excepting necessary concessions to propriety, if I’m acquainted with (nevermind boning) someone for any length of time, I’ll probably start talking sex toys eventually. People like to talk about their hobbies. I talk about the ones I love, the ones I lust after, the hilarious ones, and the ones I want invented yesterday. And I’m never shy about the fact that if I were a dude I would gleefully and unashamedly use masturbation aids, because I think they’re a lovely idea for all sexes, genders, races, and creeds. Edwin was tolerant of this only to a point.
“It’s fine for girls to use vibrators or whatever, but it just seems weird for guys to use anything… it’s so pathetic,” he insisted one day.
“Why is using a Fleshlight or something any different from me using my jackrabbit to get off? They’re both just simulated versions of genitals.” I pounced. I don’t like this weird idea that a guy fucking plastic is any different from a girl fucking plastic. It grates against my sense of fair play.
“Well…” Edwin was a slow talker. With a hint of conflict my conversational rhythm lapses into a staccato gallop, so this harmless idiosyncrasy always piqued me. “…it’s just not the same…” Another pause.
“Why not?”
“It just… isn’t. It’s sad when a guy does it. It’s like he can’t get a girlfriend so he has to use a pretend vagina.”
“That’s ridiculous. Why should you or anyone else care what someone does all alone and in private? If it feels better than your hand it’s a great idea: simple as that. And maybe it feels twenty times better. Have you tried it?” I challenged, setting myself up for a very easy “don’t knock it ’til” rejoinder.
“Well… my ex once…bought me… something.” Huh. Really? Now this was getting interesting.
“Cool! What was it?” I leaned into the question.
“It was like, a masturbation… thing. A sleeve or something.”
“And did you try it?”
“Yes.”
“And you didn’t like it?”
“It felt really good, but…then I felt bad about it. So I threw it away.”
He threw it away! He fucking threw away a perfectly good sex toy. That’s sad! In my world, it’s practically a capital offense. A lovely sex toy whose only purpose in life is to help you get off, that exists only to enhance your pleasure, deserves better than that.
It bothers me no end that most people seem to think that when a girl uses a sex toy she’s adventurous, empowered, and sexually aware, but when a guy uses a sex toy it’s depressing unless he has a female chaperone, and even then the toy must mostly be for her benefit. Even those who get behind the idea of a man using dildos and buttplugs on himself often still revolt against the idea of him using a male masturbator. In short:
Toy penetrates flesh = HAWT
Flesh penetrates toy = UR A LOSER LOL
…Why? I honestly don’t get it. I can’t even argue against this prejudice in any systematic way because I have no idea where it’s coming from. If anyone out there can give me a logical reason people arrive at this conclusion I’ll give you a jelly bean.
That’s not to say that there aren’t some horrifying male toys out there, which is exactly what Part 2 of Quizzical Pussy’s “The wank that dare not speak its name” series will be about. But really, anyone who doesn’t (and no one should) have a problem with my dildo collection needs to stop worrying about guys using sleeves or other sex toys. It doesn’t mean we’re beneath all standards for human contact; it just means that we’re occasionally eschewing our hands for a fancier option.
For me, masturbation is almost totally about imagination rather than sensation. I care a lot about what I’m looking at and thinking about, not much about the actual feeling. Bringing an extra item in would just be a distraction; I’d have to momentarily think about the toy instead of the fantasy.
That’s my guess for where the prejudice comes from; we imagine a woman using a toy but not lusting after the toy itself, but we imagine the man lusting after the toy.
@Mousie00 That’s an interesting take on this. It’s probably not fair to apply that to all guys. It seems to me that in many cases (though I understand that it’s not true in yours, nor “should” it be since there are very few “shoulds” in masturbation and they all involve safety, as far as I’m concerned) if a guy can find a way to fuck his hand or apply lube/lotion (which is also a distracting extra item, really), he can also probably get to a point where he can detach from a toy as a sexual object and use it as a tool. “Guys like tools”: I saw it on TV!
…Or really, I’m fine with a guy lusting after his sex toy! Some of them are kind of cool looking. I personally find it troubling when it gets to the “I’m having a relationship with my Real Doll” level, but I think that’s the absolute extreme and I feel it has little in common with getting hard when you look at your Fleshlight’s cute little vulva.
I’m certainly not saying that all guys should use toys. That’s totally a personal preference; I just wish it didn’t have to be an emotionally charged one.
Being a guy and owning a fleshlight I can say that I harbor no shame in using mine. I for years used my hand and my orgasms, while fulfilling a need, were not satisfying. I bought a Fleshlight and the first time I used it, It was like HOLY FUCK!, I was blown away with my orgasm. SInce then, with regular use, I have much more stamina than when I first started. So, if you find the idea of using a sex toy gross, I’ll tell you, don’t knock it til you try it.
@quizzical pussy
I think we learn to apply the lube so early on that we forget it; really it’s kind of difficult to do without. And I think you’re right that we COULD learn to use a toy the same way, we’d soon forget it and get back to the fantasy. I just don’t think there’s a lot of motivation to learn.
To me, the primary lure of the Real Doll type of toy would be incorporating it into a fantasy; I would want to project my fantasy woman’s identity on the doll, not attach an identity to the doll. (I’ve never seen one in person but video of them makes me think ‘corpse’ and totally creeps me out, more power to the guys who don’t have that reaction.)
@vorpalmasturbator
More stamina with regular use is definitely a motivation to learn.
I think it’s a social status thing. Men stereotypically get social status by “conquering” women, so conquering a piece of plastic is pathetic, it’s like winning a chess game against your dog. Manual masturbation is acceptable as a necessary release sometimes, but trying to replace a woman in any way, that’s cheating at the game.
@vorpalmasturbator I have a feeling that lots of guys would agree with you if they gave it a chance. Hell, I’m a chick and I want one!