The unloveable shape
I want to talk to you for just a minute. This is serious time. I’m not even going to be dorky or silly on my blog today. At all. That’s because this shit is important. Are you ready? Are you sure? Show me your ready face. Good.
Stop hating your body.*
Today, now, right this second, and for realsies. Just stop hating it. Because most of the time your body is not the problem. The problem is you’re mental.
I’m running into way too many gorgeous people lately who seem to genuinely think they’re unattractive. To the point where it’s clear that their self-perception and actual looks aren’t on the most basic of speaking terms. If they, the resplendent, cannot muster up a modicum of customary smugness over how fucking pretty they are, how am I supposed to achieve basic self-acceptance? Please, you privileged, you ugly-impaired, you kings of New England, can you please stop making this about you and realize it’s about me?
I read an article several years back about some study that showed series of pictures to a bunch of men in Great Britain to determine the perfect B.M.I. for ultimate attractiveness in a woman. It’s 20.65.
Even today I still remember that number to the hundredth decimal place because upon reading it I immediately went to one of those online B.M.I. calculators, entered my height, and determined exactly what I should weigh to be scientifically hot.
And lo, I weighed more than that. And I was slightly more convinced than ever that I was irredeemably ugly. I definitely already felt that way before, but I was firmer than ever in my conviction.
But to be honest, if I were exactly– to the ounce– at that utterly arbitrary-but-for-a-random-internet-article goal, I’d probably have still hated my body. I would likely hate it now. I will probably always hate it to some extent. I also realize how completely fucked up that is. Which is why I’m telling you not to. I’m also telling me not to, incidentally.
Here’s the weird thing: the women (also the men) I’m attracted to have B.M.I.s all over the map. If I think you’re sexy as a person, then your curvy softness, or sculpted musculature, or sparse silhouette, or bountiful roundness, your whatever is an intrinsic part of that. The quirks, the realism, the tender truths make me weak with lust because they’re so damn pretty.
But me? I can’t possibly expect anyone to like me unless I’m flawless. It feels highly insulting to others, making them look at me while I’m so imperfect!
I’m realizing, however, that pretty much all of us (except PUAs, who seem to be more the exact opposite of this) have absurdly high standards for what we’re supposed to look like, and a healthy appreciation for diversity and natural beauty in others.
So what I guess I’m saying is, you’re probably a lot sexier than you think you are. And especially if your body is healthy**, and strong, and generally does what you ask it to, you should really start loving it. Hard. Because it’s amazing. And it’s probably also really, honestly beautiful.
* Oh no, I do realize I’m not the boss of you. I really do. Please don’t be mad.
** I’m excruciatingly aware that there’s this whole other level of complexity when you’re not healthy and your body seems like a total dick sometimes. But still, your wracked-with-pain body is very likely more lovely than you’re giving it credit for.
I actually didn’t start getting irritated at my body until it began to interfere with what I wanted to do. That was about 3 years ago.
As someone who’s not a PUA (not picking up anyone, and never was an “artist” at it), all I can ask To Allll The Ladies Out There is: If I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
You said it! :D
I never appreciated my body till it started to fall apart. Now I’d happily weigh 400 lbs if it meant this pain would go away.
On another note, my 11 y.o. niece was making her xbox avatar (we spent the weekend playing Kinect Dance- well, she danced and I encouraged for the most part), and she insisted on putting the weight all the way down so the avatar looked like Olive Oyl. She became tearful when I tried to insist on a more normal silhouette. It’s not just yourself you damage with your self hatred. It’s every child who sees your hate and absorbs it that you hurt, as well.
I just woke up and was browsing my feed reader and by the end of your post I was in tears. I fight every day between my community telling me I’m not attractive, the voices in my head that are accustomed to having grown up in Los Angeles telling me I’m too fat and too provocative, and then my wonderful partners telling me how amazing beautiful I am and it just confuses me. I understand the sentiment of loving people for who they are and not what they look like, but then being such a perfectionist about yourself. My partners are easily some of the most lusted after individuals in my local kink community. My boyfriend? People kind of know he’s into “thicker” girls.. so they don’t think twice when they see us together. My girlfriend? She’s this classicly stunning beauty with a smoking hot figure to boot. I can feel my male friends thinking, “wow, what does she see in her?” when I first mention our relationship.
It’s a struggle every day, to still find myself beautiful and let the voices of my partners ring louder than society.
So thank you.. I’m had a rough emotional weekend and your post was beautiful.
<3 Evey
@Evey Yeah. You? Very firmly in that group of gorgeous, oblivious people I referred to. :)
It’s been a good decade, seeing you grow into the incredible and beautiful woman you are. I hope you really hear what you’re saying to yourself, cause you could do with a little more self-love.
Ahem.
Bravo! Wonderful comments here as well. Life is too short for insecurity. Each decade gets better! Can’t wait for my 40′s!
Thank you for that most excellent reminder.
Right…so now I can add preternatural timing to hilariously funny, sexy, nerdy and smart. What the hell do you think YOU’RE doing to MY self-esteem when you insist on being so annoyingly awesome?! Have you ever stopped to think about that? No, didn’t think so!
Joking aside, for someone who’s just discovering that the combination of being fat and black in a white, thin-obsessed society doesn’t necessarily have to mean my body image doesn’t have to be based on self-hate, this piece was really good to read. Preach it!
But, please. Dose the awesomeness. Tiny amounts please. Overdosing is a serious risk when you let yourself go, you know.
@Anonymous Wow, thank you! This comment kinda made my day!
@quizzical pussy Glad I could reciprocate a teenie-weenie bit, cause you gave me a happy moment too!
….wow..that sounds kinda weird…
In any case: you’re welcome! :-P
Thanks for this post, QP. [may I call you Kewpie???] Life is short and I think it’s a sin to waste it when we all could be reveling in the moment, but your post reminds me I slip into negative thoughts about my own body far too readily. I will never be 6′ tall, and other dimensions, as well. I needed this reminder, so thank you. And I’ve said as much before, but you are one of the most gorgeous creatures I’ve ever beheld, and I have _very_ good taste, my dear.
Wow, this is timely. I’m a big-time porn watcher, by myself and with my boyfriend, but the other night when the bf and I were watching a particularly hot clip together and he was all getting turned on and talking about this hot ass and those hot tits, I was hit between the eyes with an insecurity and body hatred I haven’t experienced in … since forever. ‘Cuz if he thinks THAT ass is really hot, and my ass isn’t like that, etc. etc. This post set me right back on track. Love to you!