Sexyfail: Sick and wrong
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the sicker I get, the less sexy I feel. I’m pretty sure these phenomena are related.
If you’ve read my blog at all, you may have gotten the impression by now that I generally don’t consider myself sexy. It’s true; I don’t. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to wake up one day and think “I am a reasonably sexy person. People might want to have sex with me, and I can’t find a damn reason to blame them!” In my head that story ends with mocking laughter and villagers with torches.
But upon further examination I have to concede that I absolutely must have some degree of self esteem and a modicum of self-conceived sexiness, because I have been losing it steadily for months now.
I don’t think that people with chronic illnesses and disabilities can’t be sexy. That is not the message I’m trying to send and it isn’t what I believe. I would like to subvert the “sexless cripple” trope better than I currently do (although I am having better sex now than I ever had when I was healthy and able bodied, so I could also be challenging it less). I wish I had the talent and moxie to be a living embodiment of disabled sex bomb, both because I’d feel like I was breaking down barriers and because I’d take so much marvelous advantage of it. Wouldn’t I just!
The sad reality, though, is that I’m not disabled in a static way; I’m also sick. That means when I’m least abled I’m also feeling the most pain, and I’m the most bedridden (and not in any possible convoluted sexy meaning of that term). When I have energy and less severe headaches, my disability gets less and less visible. That makes me a pretty terrible poster child for working around limitations. I’m more of an example of being hit by limitation buses and staying in traction for weeks on end. And so, I paradoxically feel less and less sexy the more time I spend in bed.
But you know what? Horsefeathers! Of course I’m sexy, now more than ever! Sure, I walk like Torgo from Manos: The Hands of Fate, but did you know that his character was supposed to be a satyr? And those guys were all about sex! And tragically ill heroines are pretty popular: Satine, Mimì, Mandy Moore, and yes, perhaps even Inara (although, to be fair, all those chicks are dying, so there isn’t a clear correlation between long-term, debilitating, but not-imminently-fatal illness and being erotically enticing. But let’s ignore that for the moment). Clearly, I should be at my absolute peak of power when I’m at my sickest.
But even if I am, today, at this very moment, the sexiest I will ever be, I do not have the fucking energy to enjoy it.
Yup. Really, you just said everything I feel about my own sexiness right now.
QP, I’m very sorry to read of your physical discomfort. I myself have never been able to feel the least bit interested in sex when I’m ill, and I’ve been blessed to suffer no real chronic illness.
Speaking objectively as a hetero male with no reason for bias, I can attest to observing that you project a real sex appeal in person, or did so as of late August of this year. I don’t know your condition at that time compared to your everyday state of being, though.
Back off man– I’m a scientist. ;)
And, I had no idea that Inara was dying. I think I’m going into mourning, now.
(Though it makes good sense.)
I think there is often a gulf between feeling sexy and being sexy, and you never really know what other people are thinking. I’m sorry you feel physically ill so much, but I can say without a heartbeat’s hesitation that you are incredibly sexy, and no degree of illness could ever mask your beauty.
Sorry to hear you’re not feeling well. That said, just because you don’t feel sexy doesn’t mean you aren’t.
I’ve been thinking about this. I’ve never seen you or heard your voice, I only have what you write to go by. And you know that, and I don’t want you to think I’m saying meaningless niceties.
But I’ve been thinking about the really sexy women I’ve known. And what distinguishes them isn’t looks, or dulcet tones, but the way they think. And you, QP, are smokin’ hot.