quizzical pussy

You could say I’m nerdy. I liberally salt all my conversations with random obscure factoids. I have a kick-ass comic book collection. I mourned Carl Sagan and Douglas Adams much more than Kurt Cobain or Michael Jackson. I’ll juxtapose all these “new” horror remakes against the classic horror or Asian originals they’re scamming off of without you even having to ask me to. I still play Magic: The Gathering once in a while.

If we ever shower together, I’ll inevitably spit a mouthful of water in a majestic arc onto your naked chest or shoulders. I always do this when I’m showering with someone. I can’t help it. It’s just so fun. But I promise to try to avoid your face.

I’m nerdy, dorky, geeky, whatever you want to call it. That’s who I am. If you date me, you’re dating a nerdy chick. And for me to have anything but a passing attraction to you, you’d better have a nerdy streak wide and vast, like huge… tracts of land. At least, that’s been the trend in my romantic life so far. Several times I’ve decided to end flirtations and flings because the nerd chemistry just wasn’t there for me. I’m dead serious when I say it’s as important to me as physical attraction.

So when I read an article that’s all  “Start! Dating! Nerds!!!”, I agree with the premise. Dating nerds is the correct answer. But almost everything after that is a direct affront to my tribe.

First, let’s define “nerd”. For our purposes, John DeVore’s simple definition in this article is quite good: “A nerd is someone who is very passionate about very specific things.” However, it’s useful to keep in mind that those very specific things are usually seated in the academic, intellectual, or technological realms. Also, nerds display an infectious, often childlike enthusiasm about their pet pursuits that permeates and characterizes nerd culture.

Many people will say that there’s a dramatic difference between a “nerd” and a “geek”, but very few of these people ever seem to agree on the precise difference. So I use the terms interchangeably and the emphatic, vague proponents of some stark division can rage and bellow as they wish.

Being a nerd doesn’t mean you grew up unpopular and tormented, that you have a high-paying job, that you like Star Trek, that you’re socially awkward, that you never exercise, that you run Linux on your computer, that you’re highly educated, that you have low self esteem, or that you have trouble getting dates. These things might all be true for some nerds, but there’s no basis for assuming any of them are going to be true for the average nerd.

Remember, nerds are defined by interest and enthusiasm, so they come in many wondrous physical and social permutations. You can find nerds who are total asshats and nerds who are polite. My favorite nerds, like my favorite people in general, are intelligent, but it doesn’t do to assume that nerds are more intelligent than their non-nerd counterparts. I’ve met brilliant people who aren’t very nerdy and disappointingly dim nerds. You can find nerds who have all the dates they can handle and others who are scared they might die virgins. Oh, and perhaps most shocking of all… there are male nerds and female nerds, queer nerds, transgendered nerds, kinky and asexual nerds.

But when Start! Dating! Nerds!!! articles crop up they’re nearly always targeting women and explaining how a relationship with someone who sports a lot of stereotypical characteristics can benefit those women. The reasons, the articles say, for giving lowly nerds a chance are as follows: nerds can be useful (in an “I’m using him” sense) in a variety of ways, nerds have different methods of relating to people than “real men” do so they might treat you better, and nerds are all desperate so they’re easy to manipulate with sex and won’t dare cross you.

It all started with an old essay that appeared on the internet over a decade ago called A Girl’s Guide to Geek Guys, which promised that geeks all make excellent mates. It had many dehumanizing tips on their care and feeding, and promised “They are generally available.” and “Other women will tend not to steal them.” It’s such rubbish that it’s quite a laugh, really, and it’s fun to read anything that describes Myst as a cutting-edge computer game.

But it seems that newer “Start! Dating! Nerds!!!” media is coming down the pike. Cosmo’s 7 Reasons to Date a “Moodle” is every bit as vapid as you’d expect, considering it’s, like, from Cosmo. “Moodle” appears to be a term from that She’s Out of My League movie. “In it, the sweet but totally average and dorky Kirk, is ridiculed by his friends for being a “Moodle,” the type of guy girls want to hang out and cuddle with, but don’t date or have sex with. (Kinda like a poodle.)” (I’m conspicuously not making a bestiality porn joke here, by the way. I want you to remember this the next time I’m not so strong.) But really, I can’t take this article seriously enough to even be offended by the suggestion that “…he may secretly want to get it on with his super hot neighbor, but knowing that you’re the hottest girl he’s ever been with will probably keep him from cheating.” because they’re so obviously getting all their information about nerds from movies. Of course Cosmo staff couldn’t be arsed to track down actual nerds to find out what they’re like! This is COSMO, for Christ’s sake.

But Violet Blue’s rebuttal Seven Real Reasons to Date a Geek Boy is actually problematic too, although I applaud her for trying. For example, Violet criticizes Cosmo thus (Cosmo excerpt in pink, Violet’s response in purple):

5. Since he’s supersmart and probably already making a ton of money, he won’t think being a roadie for Vampire Weekend is a great “career opportunity.”

[Violet Blue translation: All geek dudes are smart and rich, you little gold digger.]

…but she later asserts that…

He’ll also have tech tricks for remembering everything, and are most likely to make a list of your lingerie sizes on their smartphone, for when he wants to get you a little treat.

Thoughtful gifts from loved ones are awesome, it’s true, but they’re not really what I’d call a valid reason to start or stay in a relationship. And how is saying that “He’ll buy you lingerie, so date him!” that much different than saying “he’s rich and can fix your computer for free, so date him!” It all seems kind of mercenary and shallow to me.

Violet goes on to hint that nerdy guys are better in bed because they all read about sex online before they do it. Kind of a reach, since most literate virgins (and people in general) like to read about sex. I’d love to jump on the “geeks all fuck like rockstars” wagon, but it’s silly. Sex is too personal to realistically say that one group does it better than any other.

She also makes arguments like, “Geek boys love strong, independent women, and dig girls who have ideas, obsessions and passions.” and “Nerd boys have spent a lot of time observing everyone, including other guys…” These things are absolutely true about some geeky/nerdy guys, but I’ve also run into those who feel threatened when I can beat them at Street Fighter, or prefer to have a captive audience to listen to their personal interests rather than attempt to relate to anyone else’s. And though it’s not necessarily the majority, lots of nerds are oblivious to the people around them and stuck in their own heads. They haven’t all been amateur anthropologists all their lives who are now above petty social concerns because of transcendent human understanding. Nerds can be arrogant, self-centered, and insensitive, just like everyone else. Negative or positive, a stereotype is still a stereotype.

And the thing is, I wouldn’t recommend that every woman date a nerd. Love shouldn’t be a game of  finding the best “deal”, or about which perks you can finagle. It should be about compatibility, and genuine affection, and what feels right. It’s about how you treat each other, not just how he treats you.

I like dating nerdy guys because I get along better with nerdy guys. Obviously, I’m working from some generalizations of my own here: assumptions about the interests nerds have, and the influence that nerd culture might have on them. In my experience, those are the types of things we can predict (with a margin of error, of course).

A nerd and I are more likely to have similar interests, so we can relax and be dorky together. Nerdy guys can tend to be more curious about a wider variety of subjects than non-nerds, so they’re more interesting to talk to (for me). My random trivia is less likely to bore them, and because nerd culture doesn’t look down on childlike exuberance they’re not as easily embarrassed by my antics. Fellow nerds often enjoy starting preposterous projects with me and getting mired in wikiwanders together.

I find these qualities endearing, but some women may not. For similar reasons, many nerdy guys (who are actually allowed to have standards) prefer to date other nerds, to stay within the tribe. Those who don’t sometimes regret having a partner who really never feels like a friend. Maybe Cosmo et al. should consider the possibility that nerds don’t require or want any dating outreach programs. After all, all nerds, without exception, are good at chemistry… everyone knows that!