Legacy
I don’t give it much thought anymore, not in the present tense. It’s always “Oh, that wacky Reginald Sleeth used to do the craziest (evil) things!” in my head. My conscious mind has moved on from all that, put it in the past. Unfortunately, the rest of me hasn’t caught up yet.
I’m still a beaten girlfriend somewhere deep down.
I’m realizing how profoundly affected I really am by it all, to this day. My self-esteem was never great to begin with, but staying in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship for years trained even that scant confidence out of me. And while, believe it or not, I’ve scraped a fair amount back for myself, if we’re making comparisons, I can’t escape the learned worthlessness that was my liturgy for so long.
I wonder if I’ll ever let myself feel like an equal in a relationship. If I’ll ever feel entitled to ask for things or even make demands. If I’ll ever believe that I was chosen, that my partner is with me out of desire and not just kindness.
Will there ever be a time when, after I’ve said something stupid and made someone I care about angry, I won’t slip into that old numbness and terror? The cold tingle that comes when the mind spins in a loop of self-loathing and the body feels heavy and wrapped in moss.
This might be one of those things that’s hard to understand unless you’ve lived it, and I hope you haven’t lived it.
I’m afraid that the legacy of a really poorly chosen first relationship will be that I can never behave like a truly healthy partner. And with the amount of hate I have and show for myself, can anyone reasonably be expected to not develop contempt for me?
I want a do-over. I want my first boyfriend to be that nice Mormon boy who hugged me like I was made of lava.
On a lighter note, Bangable Dudes (and Dames) in History: for when the living just aren’t cutting it, but the undead have inexplicably turned sparkly.
I hope you find your recovery and confidence QP. The very fact that you have identified the problem, want the solution, and can visualize it speaks volumes for you as a person. So many people who have survived abusive relationships never even acknowledge the fact that they are damaged. I guess I’m looking at it from the perspective of admitting you have a problem is the first step toward recovery. Granted this isn’t a 12-step process of kicking an addiction. We all have baggage. Some more than others. Sometimes it can be overwhelming. I’ve got this problem but now what do I do about it? I want to encourage you because I have full confidence that you will eventually figure it out. Hang in there, kiddo!
Ditto, Clint’s Post! Things like this get me mad because I’ve known several women that have been in similar situations, always making excuses for “their man”. I’m glad you got out of that situation (I can’t say a relationship)and that you didn’t seek out another Jerk! You ARE a brave person.
Legacy… it’s a funny word with many positive and negative connotations.
All I can say is this – One day at a time; one moment at a time.
I think we need to form our own “First Wives Club” of abused-first-girlfriends. *grins*
Can see some delightful havoc being caused ;)
But honestly hun… I know how you feel. *hugs tightly*
God, I can say that I wasn’t worse than average for my first, but I was a particular ass to a few down the line.. and I still replay my stupid choices in my head every so often, even eight to ten years later.
I don’t think it’s any easier on this side of the line, so to speak, to say “it’s over- everything’s okay” until… it just is. The big gap of time, of healing, of letting a heart (and psyche) accept the good in yourself while set against the disease of that occurance is, as you’ve seen, the real bitch.
Never stop believing you’re worth it, especially when you begin to question it, QP. Or you could be like me, waving a gun around while yelling about how they screwed you over for the last ten years, and relocate four hundred miles to a place where nobody knows you a much better life free of their insidious influence and taint.
(Okay, so maybe things didn’t go down quite that way, but all the facts were in there somewhere. *hugs* Love yourself seems a stupid thing to say, but give the idea that someone else loves you a bit of a chance when the dark times seem present.)
Just keep moving forward. I have faith in you that you will one day be whole again. It just looks different from the whole you were before. You’re also smarter. You are an exceptional person. It is hard to trust people when they tell you that they really like you. They aren’t doing you any favors or just being nice. They genuinely want to know you. There are 2 types of people that I follow on the internet, those I really want to meet in real life, and the train wrecks that I just can’t look away from. You are one I’d like to meet someday.
Man, this totally resonates with me. I wish you so well – just being able to identify these feelings and behaviors is helping rewire your brain from the abuse. I hope I can do the same.