Le Mépris
Countless times I’ve heard and read about how a woman is inescapably and biologically submissive: the penetrated, the supine, the taken. The image of being overcome and driven into is the source of apocryphal radical feminist notions that all penetration is at best a violent act, at worst automatic rape.
But to me, having something plunge inside an orifice that’s all-too-happy to accommodate it doesn’t feel all that passive. Nor does gripping that something in the crush of my mighty orgasm. Of course I’ve felt myself in the submissive position in sex before– in ways both lovely and horrible, but being penetrated wasn’t the factor that made it so.
One of the most alarming and saddening articles I’ve ever read on the subject of sex was Virginia Vitzthum’s 1999 Strap-on Epiphany. In it, Virginia recounts her experience of pegging (before it was called that) her boyfriend, Adam.
The article starts innocently enough. Sure, it flirts with the idea that a woman allowing someone to enter her body is empowering in its vulnerability or something, but it really doesn’t disturb me until she actually starts fucking Adam. Once she penetrates him, shit gets weird. (I refuse to resist pointing out that the link to the second page of this article says “Defiling Adam”. This is indicative of exactly the attitude you’re about to see.) Observe:
As “my” huge appendage disappeared inside him, his eyes showed shame, trust, fear and a sort of helpless adoration. In a way I’d never understood those words before, he was mine. The knowledge I could really hurt this person by being less than careful made me feel responsible, protective. The vulnerability appalled me at the same time; it was vaguely disgusting that he would let someone do this to him. Mixed in with the disgust was possessiveness. The thought of anyone else penetrating him seemed revolting. These observations clicked into place in quick succession; I felt like a projector being loaded with slides of maleness, of male seeing.
…I was conquering, silent, responsible, the taker. With his legs spread, Adam was agreeable, inviting, ashamed, taken.
When I first read this I was shaken. I’d never used a strap-on, and I wasn’t a man, so I felt completely unequipped to answer the question of IS THIS TRUE? Does penetrating someone really give you contempt for them? Is the act of being penetrated disgusting and weak somehow? This Virginia bitch had really upset me by suggesting that the sexual interactions I was having may be entirely different (in troubling, corrupt ways) to the people I was sharing them with.
I asked a few male friends, my boyfriend at the time. Some said, “Yeah, that sounds about right,” and some said “She’s overthinking it.”
In truth, I think that some people might equate penetrating with power, but it’s not an inevitable conclusion. Virginia’s views here weren’t objective, and they tell us more about her than they necessarily do about “men”. They tell us nothing about the native symbolism of a sex act.
Are you submissive to the food you eat? Is a canteen at the mercy of the water inside it? Eclipsing, holding, consuming, overlapping, absorbing aren’t words of weakness to me. We choose to think of the partner who welcomes the other into his/her body in such passive terms, but that’s choice, that’s perspective. It’s not innate to the nature of sex; it’s a commentary on our social paradigm.
I’ve had moments when I had a cock inside me and I was conquering, silent, responsible, the taker. Well, not silent, but close enough. And I refuse to be surrendering, tractable, helpless, and (wtf?) ashamed just because it feels good to fill my holes anymore than I would presume to project those words onto a guy I was pegging. It’s fucking piffle, is what it is.
…So 1999, anything else you want to tell me about sex? I’m all ears.
As someone who has on occasion penetrated a male partner with a strap-on, my experiences were absolutely nothing like those of this Virginia. Frankly, I find them disturbing. For us, there was no power-exchange involved in pegging. Yes, I felt a bit protective of him, but that was more because he was nervous about a new experience than because I was feeling all “male” and dominant. It was an act of love, shared, not a claiming or a defiling or a submission. There was no shame or fear involved; if there had been, we would never, ever have done it.
I think you’re absolutely right, this tells us much more about her and what’s going on inside her head than it does about how guys think. And frankly, it makes me worry a bit about what’s going on inside her head.
All of that sounds to me like what a paranoid feminist would imagine a man would think, and I think she confirms that with “I felt like a projector being loaded with slides of maleness, of male seeing.” She saw what she expected to see.
I guess I’m a very different guy than the male friends you asked, none of it sounds right to me at all. Not overthought; totally wrong and nasty. I am extremely uncomfortable with the idea that any of the friends you asked thought it was other than crap. But I am also extremely uncomfortable with the frequent use of “slut” and “bitch” in porn, and it would be ridiculous to say that doesn’t appeal to a lot of men.
Probably this is one of those issues where there is no male point of view. There are only people’s points of view. Some of which are horrible.
Virgina pretty much sounds like a creep. She’s not taking on the “male viewpoint”–penetrated or penetrator, she’s still herself and those are HER thoughts.
I’ve had moments when I had a cock inside me and I was conquering, silent, responsible, the taker.
Funny thing–I’ve had those moments too, and they weren’t that fun for me. They were all about the guy, and sometimes I enjoyed them as a service to the guy, but not on a “OH FUCCKKKK” level. I enjoy myself most when I’m being conquered (although hopefully not seen as disgusting! sad face!), and I’m okay with that.
@Luscious Lily Being protective of a partner is totally natural in that situation, I think. The superiority and contempt? That’s disturbing. I’m sure there are guys (and chicks) who feel that way about intercourse, but I wish I had some way to identify them easily so I can avoid them all.
@Mousie00 I don’t know that it has a lot to do with feminism, and if it did it would certainly be a distortion of feminism. The article makes it seem like this woman was just trying something new and then got blindsided by this major “epiphany” about male/female dynamics. I can’t explain why this might have occurred, obviously. Maybe she didn’t like wielding a strap-on and projected her latent disgust for the concept onto her boyfriend. Maybe she was processing pre-existing feelings about intercourse from a new perspective. Whatever it was, I have to guess it was mostly personal and not necessarily a product of feminism.
It was a little depressed by the blasé way my male friends viewed this phenomenon. It seems to go beyond overthinking the matter and well into corrupting it (and to me, not in a good way).
@Holly Pervocracy It’s cool to like being conquered. I like that sometimes myself. But to me that has to be more like a game than a native mindset. I’m not interested in someone who really looks at me as a weak, quivering vessel for his unquenchable might. And isn’t it more fun to conquer someone who’s potentially capable of not folding like a cheap Gap employee?
I feel like if penetration is conquering by default, it takes the fun out of everything. Incidentally, it would also make it way easier to scratch more of my kink itches.
@quizzical pussy
Definitely not normal feminism. I said “paranoid feminist”, but that wasn’t clear enough. I meant the kind of rare, weird, radical feminst that implies or says that no woman can ever consent to sex because of the patriarchy and that all heterosexual sex is rape; this sounds like exactly how such a person talks about penis-in-vagina intercourse.
It seriously creeps me out.
I’m wondering whether you asked your friends about the quotes or the whole article? I had only read your quotes when I responded before. I think the ugly parts could kind of get lost if you skimmed.
@Mousie00 It was a while ago at this point, but I’d say it was about half and half. Oddly, the one who originally sent me the article was the one who said it sounded accurate. He and I don’t talk anymore, for unrelated reasons.