Insatiable
On ConTuesday last week I posted an anonymous internet confession about a person whose boyfriend’s sex drive has begun to lag behind hers*. I didn’t have enough energy to address this confession on Tuesday, when it appeared (at that point my energy was firmly at cut, paste, and collapse levels), but now I’m feeling slightly perkier and I can write what I wanted to at the time. It’s not advice, really. I guess it’s more akin to relating.
I’m afraid sometimes that I’m literally insatiable. If I’m attracted to you, I pretty much never don’t want to fuck you. I can have half my body caught in a giant bear trap, and if I can still part my legs it’s on like Donkey Kong. And hey, I finally found a use for this stuff!
But I’m aware that most people don’t work like that. Someone can be attracted to me and like fucking me and not want to fuck me right this second. My awareness of this phenomenon is mostly academic, though, because I still haven’t gotten past the part where I feel like it means something whenever someone doesn’t want to have sex with me (e.g. I’m a troll and not worth touching). I know that’s (usually) not it; it usually has nothing to do with me. I hope. But it’s hard not to take rejection personally.
Now that I’m thinking about it, I don’t think I’ve ever had a relationship with someone who quite matched my ridiculous sex drive. It comes close, sure. There was even a period there while I was seeing Edwin where I had no sex drive at all due to a health condition, but before and after that my sex drive outstripped his, though probably not by much. But sometimes it’s a huge problem, a deal-breaking problem. Not because I want to dump you if you can’t service me seventeen times a day, but because I genuinely start thinking you want to dump me if we’re not having regular sex.
Sometimes sex drives seem hopelessly unbalanced, though. Sometimes you just never seem to have any sex. I’ve been in this situation a time or two, and I can’t deal with it. I cannot be in an exclusive relationship that provides no orgasms. It’s not even a conscious weighing of pros and cons; it’s a bare and grimy fact. I can’t sustain it. I feel completely uninteresting and unloved. And if I’m not getting sex from the person I’m with, I’d damn well better be welcome to pursue it further afield.
Guys seem excited, intrigued, when they begin to discover my sex drive. There’s so much promise there: never having to feel like a supplicant to get laid, being able to count rather than gamble on having sex, not worrying if she’s into it or not, trying new things because the basic needs are finally there, satisfied. It can be a bright, shiny lure, a woman’s nymphomania. But I wonder if it doesn’t become tiresome for them after a while. Even if I never say a word, does it seem like just sitting there, my body, a pleasure-greedy monster, is somehow demanding things? It might get to be a source of stress after a while, and that’s not exactly the sex amusement park I’m pitching in the beginning. It’s more like, well, working at an amusement park.
*I’m assuming this person is a woman because of the “other women” reference in the confession, but I apologize if I’m incorrect.
These worries sound painfully familiar. I probably don’t have as “insatiable” a sex drive as yours, but still pretty considerable. I haven’t met the woman who was excited or intrigued at the extent of my sex drive. May I ask, when you lost your drive for a while was it a relief at all? It was for me, when mine disappeared for health reasons for a bit over a week. Finally I could relax from the struggle not to bother my wife.
Wow, thanks for responding to my post. Yes, I’m a woman. I really can relate to feeling insatiable lust for a person I’m into; when I look at my boyfriend, with his fine shoulders and golden body hair and wild curls, I’m just like AHHHHHHHHHH! For me, attraction grows, not diminishes, with exposure to the body of a person I really like/love. I know he finds me attractive, too — he’s certainly aware that others do — and it IS hard to wrap my head around the idea that he can stare at my tits or belly or biceps, which I know he likes, and not feel like he’s got to get close. It does feel personal; I wonder whether he’s gotten sick of looking at me and, as someone who’s past 40, I do wonder sometimes if I’ve finally gone over the edge into old lady territory (silly, because I still get hit on by younger men, but the thought does rear its ugly head from time to time). I see him checking out other women occasionally — not a problem, by the way — and so I know that it’s not as if his sex drive is shutting down altogether. I do feel as if I consciously tamp down my sexual responses from time to time in order to, as you said, not tire him out with a constant knowledge of my horniness. I think this plays into the attraction to other men; on some level, I feel that if I could spread my insatiability around, I could stop bothering him with it all the time. Casual partners wouldn’t have time to discover the downside of a woman with such a high sex drive. The first six months that my boyfriend and I were together, we fucked daily and sometimes twice daily — thanks, hormonal cocktail! Now that the hormones have calmed down a little, he’s reverting back to his normal pattern of sexual desire. It seems sad to me, because his horniness isn’t driven by desire for me as much as by several days’ buildup of come — whereas my horniness is definitely driven by a desire for him (which, as I mentioned, is pretty constant).
@Mousie00 You know, there have been times in my life I would’ve been well relieved to lose my sex drive entirely, but this wasn’t one of those times. My boyfriend at the time had a pretty healthy sex drive himself, and it was a problem in that case. I was perfectly willing to have sex with him anyway, but it was very clear that I wasn’t into it. The situation was made even worse by the fact that for about 10 months or so I had no period and couldn’t have an orgasm to save my life in addition to the lowered sex drive. So when I wasn’t stressed out about whether all those pregnancy tests were wrong and I was actually pregnant, I was still pretty concerned because something was clearly very wrong.
@I’m The Con Tuesday Anonymous Poster Sounds really frustrating. It really sucks when a relationship gets to the point where you feel like you’re being a nag about getting laid. I wish you many, many orgasms in future with your delicious man.
@QP — Thanks!
Have you ever heard “Insatiable” by Mark Knight featuring Katherine Ellis?
From the guy’s side, I feel very much like both Q.P. and Con Tuesday Anon Poster.
She’s a great woman, my partner. The sex is good. But I feel like a nag asking All. The. Time.
I’m pretty open about my needs, and would think that they would be somewhat complimentary– I’m only trying to fill them with HER. I’m only interested in HER. But in fact, I think I wear her out. I’m not asking for it three times a day, mind you. Every other day would actually get me to a pretty good point. But honestly, daily sex would be so delightful.