From within
“Having it grow inside you… feeling it move in there, and then having to push it out through a hole that’s–let’s face it–much too small: it’s so… alien. Like an alien parasite”
I hear this a lot in terms of the miracles of pregnancy and giving birth. While I can certainly concede that this a valid feeling about the whole process, it’s not a feeling I share. Conception, pregnancy, birth all seem normal and natural and mundane to me. Female bodies are adapted to do this, although historically we don’t have an incredible amount of luck coming out of it alive. But it’s just that an egg (that’s supposed to be there in the first place) gets fertilized (in a very reasonable and expected way), and then a bunch of things happen to allow it to grow. It’s perfectly healthy, perfectly unsurprising. It honestly doesn’t squick me out at all.
But I still have absolutely no interest in doing it.
My problem has never been the process. I’ve often thought that in an extreme case I wouldn’t entirely mind being a surrogate (like if there was a disgustingly wealthy and completely desperate party that couldn’t adopt and would surely be a parenting tour de force and other highly realistic cases involving actual alien races that were dying out and wanted to give me a magical space unicorn). It might be an interesting experience to have, though certainly not for its own sake.
The big problem is that I don’t want kids. At all. Never have. And I especially don’t want babies. This might make some dismiss me as selfish, but I don’t care. I also don’t agree because I don’t see having children as a selfless act. Of course, you have to adopt some selfless behaviors to be a good parent, but if you want to have a baby, is having it really selfless? And if you seriously don’t want one, would having one be selfless, or wouldn’t it just as likely be cruel and pointless for everyone involved? Even accidental parents have to get to a point where they want the children they have, or they end up shitty parents, unless I’m missing something.
I’ve often been told that I’ll change my mind, or that if I had a baby I’d bond to it and become a grateful and loving mother. That (edit: the latter) is highly possible, but there’s nothing in me that feels any urge to test it out. I have no biological clock; I have no reproductive motivation. I want to fuck all day and come out of it completely physically unaltered but for some sexily mussed hair.
But if you like babies, and you want babies, that’s cool. I might be a little bummed if we’re friends and your life suddenly revolves around something I can’t relate to at all, but that’s life. I’ll get over it. It isn’t personal. I’m not trying to convert anyone to my barren lifestyle. Although I understand where the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement is coming from (“May we life long and die out” kind of thing), I don’t subscribe to their newsletter. I’m not that ready to give up on the human race just yet. Give me a few years and I’ll let you know.
The only thing that I’m saying here is that I don’t really want kids and it’s hard for me to relate to that impulse. A friend of mine who recently had a baby was visiting the other day. Cute kid. Seems to inspire complete devotion in her mother, which I think is a good adaptation. The new mom was describing to me their process of feeding the baby every four hours, putting the baby down to sleep if it’s been awake for 90 minutes, no matter what. She explained that the baby can’t be in the same room as a powered-on television because it would stunt her brain development. She explained how big a production it was to go anywhere.
“Wow. Yeah, I… that sounds exhausting,” I said (although I will note here that getting the mail also sounds exhausting to me most days).
“Sure, but you go through all this stuff and run around like a chicken with its head cut off and then when you feel like you need to collapse she smiles at you, and it’s all worth it.”
“Hmmm,” thought I. Thought but never said, “She just smiled at me for free.”
This attitude isn’t just why I’m not going to have children, it’s also reason #478 why I shouldn’t have children.
If you don’t want to have children, don’t. Never let anyone pressure you into doing/thinking otherwise, either! I’ve known women who did and totally regretted it. My oldest has always said, since she was in pre-school practically, that she never wanted kids, and I believe her. Hey, I’m in no rush to be a grandma, just sayin’…
Selfless?
Having children, like having sex, is one of the more selfish acts you can engage in. If you’re doing it selflessly, you’re doing it wrong, and are probably going to end up a resentful parent.
You should have kids because you want to, because it will make you, personally, happy. (Not that you should have kids, but that should be your reason, if you choose to.)
Right there with you. I just don’t get wanting children. The idea of personally having children fills me with horror. And people tell that I would absolutely love and want the child once I had them, but what if I didn’t? Then I’d be stuck with it and worse, it would be stuck with me. Much better if I trust myself and don’t test the theory.
I absolutely HATE when I hear someone say “I don’t want kids” and another person counters with “You’ll change your mind” or “You’ll regret that decision one day”. Or..uh…maybe you won’t. Either way, it’s your decision to make.
I’m a mom to a few little rugrats and, quite frankly, I can totally understand why someone might choose not to have any. These little shits are exhausting. They suck the life out of you for 18 years and then leave you lying limp on a stained couch while they trot off to college. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids with everything I have and I go totally “mama bear” if someone even looks at them sideways but, damn, some days they make me wonder how much I’d get on the black market for a blonde haired, blue eyed little hellion.
Good for you for knowing what you want and being able to go against the grain and say “That’s cool and all that you have kids but that’s just not for me”. If someone tries to make you feel bad for that decision I recommend a swift kick in the crotch.
It was only 66 years between the first heavier-than-air powered flight and human beings landing on the goddamn moon. (Holy shit, there were people who were alive for both. WHOA.) That’s why I don’t support voluntary human extinction.
@Holly Pervocracy We are neat little critters, aren’t we?
I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels this way. Everyone keeps telling me that someday I’ll change my mind, that someday I’ll want babies. They keep saying that when all my friends are having kids, I’ll want some, too. As if kids were like fashionable clothes or the newest, hottest shoes or some crazy stuff like that – real great reason to have kids, right?
It’s our decision. Period, end of story. Kudos to you for speaking up. :)
Wow, a lot of awesome viewpoints. I’m 22, I don’t want kids at all, I’m in love with a man who doesn’t want them…and I’ve known I never wanted them for many, many years. I have never envisioned myself as a mother (though apparently I would be a great one) and I have never felt the desire to squeeze a bawling rutabaga out my vaginal canal, thanks.
Lily, nice comment there. That really bothers me too. “Oh, you’ll change your mind someday.” Um, I haven’t changed it in 22 years; and I’ve thought of contingency plans – and if you really do change your mind and end up wanting a child THAT badly, you’ll freakin’ find a way, then, won’t you?
I completely support this viewpoint. As a man who has known since he was a child that he was born to be a father some day, I’m very frustrated by the Accidental Parent. Or rather, the Incidental Parent. Not that I didn’t manage to knock up my wife inadvertantly, but I knew, going in, that I would marry her and rear our children together if we did.
For such an important life decision, it sure seems like very few people put much thought into the whole Parentling gig. If you’re “just not sure,” don’t have kids.
If you think “maybe it might be nice,” don’t have kids.
If you think that it might bring your relationship together, or it doesn’t matter to you, but it matters to your significant other, or whatever, don’t have kids.
We need to start being grown-ups about this decision. My friends who have responsibly decided to mate for life but have no kids are clearly having the times of their lives. They have extra income, extra spare time, and fewer worries. They have the coolest hobbies, the niftiest toys, and they can leave their house in decidedly NON child-safe conditions, to no one’s worry. I envy them, to a great extent. I admire them, a lot. I am happy with my lot, and am glad that I did what I did (two kids, then cut the vas defs).
Now, as a question to those of you out there who are saying “Me, too!” (and bravo, BTW): have you taken measures to secure your fate? Permanent or semi-permanent birth control? The easiest for the time/effort is to have the man get a vasectomy, but things happen… why not get Norplant, an IUD, or if you’re going to be on the table for some reason, a tubal ligation? (Understanding that a tubal is real surgery to get.)
@Matt G
I’ve been trying for some time now for a tubal ligation, but being only 22, my chances are less than none. At the moment, I’m celibate, so I am not on birth control – but I’m usually on Depo-Provera (and always use condoms). I stopped using it because I’ve been on it for 5 years solid and it’s wreaking havoc on my sex drive. When I decide it’s time to begin having sex again, I won’t waste a moment in getting back on Depo.
This whole BS about accidental parents goes back to sex ed, which is a huge soapbox of mine and a whole different rant and state of mind. But I can’t stand it either. It seems a lot of accidental parents fail to realize that they’re raising a functional human being who in 20 years or so is going to be unleashed upon society as a legal adult with adult responsibilities/privileges/etc.
This is sort of related to Orphan’s point, which I think is really good.
Throughout history, and right now outside the West, having kids was a blessing. It was/is a blessing because kids were more than anything, enormously valuable cheap labor and your retirement program. That’s why most of the world now and always wanted lots of kids.
In the modern West, this is no longer true. Society’s message is that kids are a tremendous responsibility and that’s pretty much it. All the comments here about all those who shouldn’t have kids reflect that message. Cheap labor and retirement program are culturally discouraged. We’re all smart enough to understand that tremendous responsibility basically means crushing burden, without the compensations normal to the rest of the world and history. Here a child isn’t an investment in your future, it’s simply an enormous expense in time, money, effort, and risk. Under these circumstances, it’s no surprise that Westerners don’t want kids. I’m no exception (MattG, yes, vasectomy).
However, I’ve seen nothing to convince me that people raised for the cheap labor and retirement program purpose, instead of the mysterious and abstract joys of children, turn out the slightest bit worse. So while I’m pretty confident that I made the right choice for me in the culture I live in, I’m not at all confident that our culture has the right attitude.
I was firmly in the “don’t want kids” group…….then one day BAM! OMG, I HAVE TO HAVE A BABY! I was 36. So now I’m 37 and I have an 8 month old. I LOVE it, but it’s not for everyone. My advice is if you don’t want kids, don’t have them. But I also wouldn’t close the door just yet. When I was in my 20′s I never pictured myself married, much less having a kid…..life changes, be ready to change with it.
… putting the baby down to sleep if it’s been awake for 90 minutes, no matter what. … can’t be in the same room as a powered-on television because it would stunt her brain development.
Must be the first child. Everything is so important, to do everything RIGHT with the first.
On our first, my wife made sure no strangers got too close (they might touch him). And the first trip out into open public, like the mall, was at about 3 months old. On our second, we were out in public during month one. You still could not touch, however.
Hell, Grandpa even flipped the baby out of the carrier/car seat onto the grass. I kind of laughed, my wife wasn’t as amussed.Now 6 and 4, they made it just fine.
We never subscribed to the “you must wake the baby to eat”, especially if it was 3am and quiet…we can wait if he can. .
I like kids, and I’ll probably wind up with one or two of my own someday, but right now, I’m well aware that I’m not prepared to be a mom. This knowledge was solidified a couple years back when I dated a guy with three kids and fell face first into the surrogate mother role.
I’m happy with my nephews to play with and my friends’ babies to coo over. I like being an Auntie, because it means I can send them home when I’m ready to pull their little heads off. Or when I’ve got them sufficiently hopped up on sugar.
I think that a woman’s reproductive future is her own damn choice. There’s no species imperative reason for every woman to reproduce, and the pressure of pioneer life (have kids so they can help with the work) is long gone. So if you don’t want kids, don’t let anyone pressure you into it.
As for “you’ll change your mind” etc. well maybe, but as far as I can see that’s a matter that’s between you, your uterus, and your partner. If a person isn’t one of those three, then it’s none of their damn business, regardless of how ecstatic they feel about their bouncing baby boy or girl.