Free Range Love: The Tenga Egg
There is an art to giving a handjob. You will notice here that I don’t claim to have mastered this art, simply that it exists. I’ll admit that this is one of my weaker points when it comes to sexual skills. To me, a handjob is usually an entirely pragmatic maneuver: I’m trying to get or keep a penis hard until I can put it somewhere more exciting than between my hands. Handjobs, however artistic they have the potential to be, usually end up being transitional for me. I enjoy the penis touching, of course, but I can’t help thinking about what parts of me it could be touching forthwith.
And I have to admit, that sort of bugs me about myself.
I’m not a big fan of downtime. I would prefer that every moment with me be mindblowing for my lovers. In a perfect world my lips would vibrate, my cervix would have a tongue, and my hands stroking a penis would be as Aphrodite’s hands. In a perfect world. As it is, they are regular hands, and I sometimes worry that my handjobs are boring. There. I said it.
This is not why I gave my boyfriend Laramy the Tenga Egg Babeland sent me. But it’s part of why I offered to help him try it out. Also, though, sex toys are a hobby of mine, and you’re supposed to share your hobbies with your partner, right? It’s what couples do. Astoundingly, Laramy seemed much more eager to explore this than my equally avid interests in yoga and belly dancing.
The Tenga Egg is a cute, clever disposable masturbation sleeve. You can wash and reuse it if you’re careful, but it’s not the most robust sex toy ever made. It’s made of soft, flexible silicone elastomer, and available in six different textures. The cute, clever part is really in the packaging: these sleeves come in little plastic eggs with colorful labels. You can buy a fairly adorable single egg for $8.50, or you can save money and get a set of six in a crazy adorable egg carton! I haven’t seen a men’s sex toy presented this whimsically since some wag made it suddenly seem possible to fuck Yoda Yaddle.
You know you wish you'd thought of it first.
I was excited to see how Laramy liked the Tenga Egg, and maybe even get to feel like a handjob goddess. Why should my mouth get all the accolades? I mean, seriously!
The "Stepper"
The different textures include: what seem to be twisty vertical ribs, wavy horizontal ribs, a spider web (clearly the most erotic pattern known to man), knobby polka dots, thin spun thread patterns, and, the one Laramy ended up with, the “Stepper”, which looks– just to put this in the sexiest terms possible– like semicircular flaps arranged like scales. Or something. It seemed promising… stimulating.
We tore open the little packet of lube that comes with the Egg, applied it to both toy and tool, and took turns stroking. The sleeve is kind of like a looser, thicker, stretchier condom. Laramy said it felt good and the material was pleasant, but he didn’t seem to feel transported, as you might be if you were getting a handjob from, say, a goddess. Gradually, two problems became apparent:
- The lube provided was more sticky than it was at all lube-like.
- The textured part of the Egg was concentrated around the sides, instead of the tip. All that exciting, scaly sensation was focused on the less sensitive parts of his penis. When fully stretched, the sleeve was completely untextured around the head of his cock.
The first problem is easy: inferior lube tends to get sticky. I would generally recommend someone use a lube they know they like when playing with a new toy anyway. But the second issue? Made no sense to either of us. Why would anyone design a toy with an emphasis on interesting textures and make sure those textures only touched shaft?
“Maybe it’s having to stretch too far because your cock is too big,” I suggested. Laramy did not hate that postulation. I think that might actually be what it was, though. Laramy does have a formidable dick, and otherwise we’re looking at just a glaring design flaw. Whatever the issue, the Tenga Egg didn’t work for him, although he thought it was promising in concept. He actually asked me if it was okay if he threw it away.
We ended the session with Laramy washing that horrendous lube off his cock and fucking me, which is usually exactly what I’m hoping to get out of a handjob.
Thanks, Babeland!
I’ve tried a couple of the Tenga products; the Lip Service (and similarly designed toys, like the “Deep Throat Cup”) is probably somewhat better, partly because it comes in a couple of different sizes to accommodate different guys.
I say probably because the eggs never appealed to me and I didn’t pick them up; I think they are intended for a different style of use; short, shallow strokes, focusing entirely on the head, as opposed to traditional male stimulators, which focus on simulated sex. (The Lip Service, at least, excelled when twisted; these look like they’d do an even better job.)
@Orphan I’ve read good things about Tenga in general, and I’d probably force another of their products on long-suffering Laramy to try out if it seemed promising. The Egg just didn’t seem to work for him. If we’d experimented more I have a feeling we’d have found that it worked better stretched less and focused just on the head, as you say. But that seems weirdly limiting in a toy that calls itself a sleeve.
Also, don’t tell Laramy. He seemed to dig the “mammoth penis” theory.
@Orphan – yeah, that’s how we used the Egg that we got as a free sex toy bonus gift. Short strokes and circular motions pretty much confined to the head. He liked it well enough. I also discovered that it’s just the right size to make a cover for a Hitachi magic wand head. Flipped it inside out and got a little bit of extra texture to play with, which was fun. Not the best toy ever, but it was one of the better ones on the freebie bonus list!
The Tenga Egg is a type of onahole, which is a Japanese creation. The esteemed Nihongen, for all their valuable contributions, are not noted for large phalli. In fact, Japanese condoms are just too tight for those of us with roughly average-sized penises. Thus it would not be a stretch (haw) to suppose that the Tenga Egg’s design flaw for Laramy is a feature for a Japanese man. Perhaps another texture?
“Astoundingly, Laramy seemed much more eager to explore this than my equally avid interests in yoga and belly dancing.”
Okay, that’s funny, right there. :)
I found the Tenga Eggs pretty disappointing until I quit stretching them. Short strokes, circular motions as Minerva mentioned. Also, stretching them, not even all that much, led to tearing a couple of ‘em.
That said, they’re handy, except for the sucky (and not in a good way) lube. Self-contained and easy to package up and toss when you’re done. If they were packaged with good lube, I’d recommend them, but…
I just had to point out that that’s Yaddle.
@Eseell I bow to your superior geekery. I just want you to know that.
Even buying a whole box at once, that’s $7 per use! That’s just… that’s a lot of money.
@Evan A lot of people wash and reuse them. Laramy just didn’t want to because it was emphatically not love at first fap.
I like the packaging.