quizzical pussy

I am ready to design sexy Halloween costumes. Lately I’ve been studying the art and science of taking a costume idea and removing as much material as possible, and I feel like I’m really starting to hit my stride. I realize this is a highly competitive field, but I feel I have the courage to push the cleavage envelope. I know in my heart that I can make people aroused, frightened, and nostalgic all at the same time…and maybe even make them think a little. I just need this chance.

It all started when AAG was having a lingerie.com Halloween costume giveaway on her blog where the winner got to pick any costume in stock, and I totally won (thanks again to both)! I have won two random drawings in my life, and the first time I won hairspray. Needless to say, this time I peed a little. With glee. And I just knew, like you just know your high school crush probably ended up in jail, exactly which costume I was going to pick: “Miss Krueger”, which is like dressing as Freddy Krueger from A Nightmare on Elm Street but replacing all the scariness and ugliness with sexiness and legs. It arrived very promptly. The hat is a little too big, but otherwise it’s everything I dreamed it’d be. Disregard the fact that I have no costume parties to go to this year. I’m wearing it around my house and threatening to kill my dog in his sleep (Look, even if he could understand English he’d appreciate my witty turn of phrase, so no calling the ASPCA now).

But looking at the other costumes available on lingerie.com I realized there were a lot of horror movie villains left out. Was no one trying to make them sexy and desirable? So I decided to be the change I want to see in the world, and designed some myself.

Oh yes, I really did, and here are some hastily drawn sketches that should give you a rough idea of my visionary talent. Novelty Fashions Industry, you are going to want to headhunt the shit out of me.

1. That Creepy Girl from Ring. The whole “being a little girl” part has to go, but we just replace it with cleavage! I love horror movies.

2. Chucky from Child’s Play. This is exactly what it would look like if Chucky didn’t insist on being a My Buddy doll and let himself be a sexy, sexy lady. Sure, you can theoretically wear a striped shirt under the cut-off overalls, but I need you to know that the sideboob is part of my vision.

3. Ghostface from Scream. This was a challenge because there’s nothing all that sexy about a billowy robe and a Munchian mask. But there’s inspiration to be found in streamlining. So I just lost the robe and made the mask the entire outfit. Seriously, everyone is going to want one of these.

(My final masterpiece is a little spoilerish. If you’ve never seen Sleepaway Camp maybe you shouldn’t click this…)

4. Angela from Sleepaway Camp. I think this is literally the best costume I have ever designed.

In closing, I think I have found my true calling. Please contact me if you’d like to give me a job and I’ll be happy to show you my initial sketches for a wicked hot Jar Jar Binks costume.

Happy Halloween, everyone!