ConTuesday! Mawwiage
Since the time of my childhood I’ve heard tales of a magical land called Marriage. In Marriage, everyone has to agree on dinner and gets a state-sponsored tandem bike, as I understand it. The national bird is the redding wing and people speak Grownup. It sounds like a fascinating place. These people probably know more about it than I do.
My wife and I have friends over for football games – we root for our team by her having sex with everyone through the whole game. I really enjoy it. Amazingly, the better she is, the better our team seems to do… Hope we can get them to the Superbowl…
In Marriage, football sounds a lot more exciting and fun than it is over here on Earth.
When my wife was pregnant, her libido took a serious vacation. One night, I woke up so horny that I jizzed on her butt. I don’t know if she noticed or not. She never said anything about it.
There are probably no words in Grownup to describe what happened that night.
I’m totally into kink, and definitely an active and forthright member of the kink scene. I have never explored my deepest kinks, though, because I think they’re too boring. I want to be touched and fucked while pretending to be asleep, or even just doing something else. It seems too tame to be fun for the other person, and I’m scared to even ask for it! I’d rather beat someone/be beaten and feel pro-active!
Hey, this is just an idea but have you considered moving to Marriage? (see above)
I’m getting married this weekend and I’m a virgin. I can’t decide if I’m more nervous, scared or excited.
Congratulations! How did it go? Is sex awesome (for you; I already know my answer…)? Do you like your new bike?
My wife and I have a closed relationship. She has told me in no uncertain terms that my fantasy of having a FFM threesome with her is NEVER going to happen. When we saw these pictures together, she commented, ”She’s so very thin.” After a brief silence, she continued, ”She has a beautiful body.” That made me so horny! Often, she’ll admit to attraction to women, and it always turns me on. BTW, she reads this blog, and I know that she’ll read this and know it’s me. So, this is only so anonymous…
Oh, the often frustrating difference between someone finding someone else attractive/beautiful/etc. and wanting to do something about it! But if it feeds your fantasies without raising your actual expectations, sounds like good, clean fun to me. Keep in mind, though, that I am from Earth, and your Marriage ways are strange to me.
Confess your sex secrets here!
Commenter #5, if she’s already told you that in no uncertain terms, odds are that you are just torturing yourself and poisoning your marriage every time you dwell on that fantasy. Being attracted to women is not anything near the same as thinking it’s OK to bring another woman into the relationship; if your relationship is closed that would be adultery. You’re fantasizing about cheating on her right in front of her, and her being included in the fantasy doesn’t change that.
If you can separate it from reality in both your minds, perhaps you can make it into good clean fun, as QP suggests. Like alcohol, it might be fun and healthy at the right time, in the right way, in the right amount. But it’s dangerous as hell if you think that what you fantasize about has no impact on how you really act or how she feels about you. You can, for example, normalize the idea of cheating (with her participating) in your own head, which I think you already did in this case. Dealing with your subconscious isn’t dangerous like handling a gun; coming from Oleg’s site I’m sure you know that can be done safely by following a few simple rules. Dealing with your subconscious is dangerous like giving the gun to a monkey.
@Mousie762
What I wrote above sounds pretty harsh, so I’d like to emphasise that it’s about what is specified as a closed marriage. Anonymous confessor #1′s marriage, for example, sounds awesome but it’s obviously not a closed marriage.
“Commenter #5, if she’s already told you that in no uncertain terms, odds are that you are just torturing yourself and poisoning your marriage every time you dwell on that fantasy.”
Wow…Just, Wow. Poisoning his marriage by having a fantasy? Really? No where in his “confession” does he say he has considered commiting adultery. He never mentions anything about trying to convince his wife to give in to his fantasy. In fact, he seems quite aware of the fact that it IS just a fantasty. If the wife is not Bi, or is not open to a FFM threesome, and has made that clear, but looks at pics of naked women with him and comments that they are beautiful, why can’t he have a fantasy about a FFM threesome involving his wife? So he can only fantasize about wife approved activities? He can only fantasize about sex acts that his wife would consent to, involving only his wife?
Maybe you and I have vastly different opinions about what a fantasy is because I certainly wouldn’t have any issue with my husband fantasizing about a sex act I wasn’t willing to participate in, as long as he realized it was only a fantasy and wasn’t persuing it and trying to make it happen despite my wishes.
I’m interested to hear an update from the confessor if/when his wife reads the confessions. My guess is she won’t be nearly as offended by his fantasy as you seem to be.
It’s interesting to note that I can see the point of both Mousie’s and June’s comments. The thing is, we don’t have enough info about #5 to assume anything, though I read Mousie’s and thought “Good point.”
But hell, fantasy is what makes the world go ’round. My friends will tell you: They’ll be telling me a story that gets to some slightly-kinky aspect and I’ll say “Wait. Slow down. Say that again.” Sure, I’m kidding. . . mostly. It doesn’t mean anything, if I’m not.
Commenter #5 is permitted, I think, to tell his wife, in this indirect way, what turns him on. It’s not coercive; it’s honest.
@June Clever
That’s true. I did read it as his intention to convince his wife to give in, and it does not say that. However it’s implied by She has told me in no uncertain terms that my fantasy of having a FFM threesome with her is NEVER going to happen. Why did she say that in no uncertain terms unless he’s already been hinting about this?
I said it was very dangerous, and I stand by that. I think very few people realize the dangers fantasies can pose to a relationship. It’s a challenge to dwell on a fantasy based on what you could actually do if your wife were “more open-minded” without eventually breeding resentment of your wife, and it’s a challenge to her to hear such a fantasy without feeling like he’s disappointed in her for not doing something they both vowed not to do.
I did not say he cannot have such a fantasy. And I should have said more about that. I’m sorry for not doing so before. It all sounds much harsher than I intended; I wanted a strong warning of the dangers not a condemnation of a perfectly normal guy.
First, having this fantasy isn’t wrong. Actions may be wrong, fantasies are fantasies.
Second, having this fantasy isn’t unusual. I think it’s super-common even in men whose wives aren’t attracted to women, and her being attracted to women would certainly inevitably bring it up for any man in the world. It’s certainly occurred to me, especially when some women friends told my wife how attractive she was. Especially since they’d also mentioned they were attracted to me. Obviously, I regarded dwelling on it as dangerous, my wife being straight and our marriage being monogamous, but it sure did come into my head. And I think most people would dwell on it.
Third, I don’t think the resentment I implied that she might feel is right. I think it’s a just a way that many/most humans will react, though some would not.
The whole thing in my point of view is not about what is right, but about making allowances and safety margins for human failings.
Jealousy is never right, but it’s a big motivating force in the vast majority of people. So I skip some otherwise harmless fantasies to avoid provoking it in my wife, despite the fact I’m almost free of that particular problem.
Fantasy isn’t adultery, but I am by no means free of the temptation to cheat, especially as I’m not jealous myself and don’t really sympathize with it as much as I might. So I actively deny myself lots of fantasies, such as anything involving actual friends/coworkers/acquaintances/remotely attainable real people, so as to avoid having the responses ready for going along if the opportunity comes up.
Full disclosure, my wife is now divorcing me for other reasons, it’ll be final in a month or so. So maybe all this effort isn’t worth much.
Quizzical Pussy, I notice comment moderation is up now. When I saw that (upon posting the last comment) I realized that I was not creating the accepting atmosphere you probably want for ConTuesday. Please feel welcome to delete some or all of my comments, I will not be offended.
But that one just went through? Maybe it’s length, or complicated HTML. The long comment in moderation contains a section about how despite thinking it’s dangerous I don’t think it’s morally wrong, and I don’t think it implies Commenter #5 is a bad person, which I really want to see posted. Commenter #5, I think it’s a perfectly normal fantasy, which perfectly normal people don’t see the danger of.
@Mousie762 I don’t moderate comments at this point (though I reserve the right to in future) but even if I did I wouldn’t have blocked any of your comments. I like to read conflicting opinions about things, and I hope getting feedback wouldn’t scare anyone off from confessing. Your comment just got caught in my automated spam filter, which sometimes happens for reasons beyond my ken. It has been redeemed from the Akismet Pit.
Mousie, your original comment did come across a little harsh, but not nearly as harsh a you seem to feel that it did. The way you reacted doesn’t seem out of line for the little amount of info that I posted. I tried to convince my wife in the past, but it’s been many years ago when I was younger and dumber. One day it dawned on me that I was pressuring, which I didn’t want to do. So, at this point it’s a fantasy that she’s aware that I have, but it goes unmentioned. I don’t want to coerce her into anything that she doesn’t want to do. If she chooses to do it some day, I want her to choose to do it because it sounds like fun and she loves me, not because she’s tired of being asked and wants to get it over with. Besides that, she deliberately uses this knowledge to drive me nuts from time to time – flirting with other girls, saying suggestive things about them. I believe that it is fun for both of us the way the fantasy sits right now. Oddly enough, she didn’t say anything about reading the confession. Maybe I wasn’t as transparent as I thought…
@Confessor #5
Confessor #5, I totally freaked out when the one comment was caught by Akismet and I thought QP had turned on comment filtering just because I was being offensive. It’s a really rough time in my life for a whole variety of external reasons (especially the divorce and a broken neck) and I’m feeling pretty neurotic.
Besides that, she deliberately uses this knowledge to drive me nuts from time to time – flirting with other girls, saying suggestive things about them. That’s awesome. If she uses it that way, I’d assume it doesn’t bother her, and not worry about the dangers I mentioned.
Mousie, I can see your point but I still feel that fantasies, no matter the subject (within some limits) or the other persons willingness, aren’t dangerous. The danger comes when the person with the fantasy decides to try to take it from fantasy to reality. I fantasize about a lot of things that will never happen or my husband would never do (MFM being one of them, with full participation from both men). We’ve discussed it in the past and he knows it’s something I’d be happy to do but I certainly don’t pressue him about it and it only gets brought up in a joking way when he mentions FMF threesomes (I told him “I will if you will”).
If #5′s wife flirts with women in front of him (or even not in front of him) and will sexually tease him using his own fantasy then she’s evidently not too bothered by it. I have no doubt, to some women, having their husband fantasize about a FMF threesome would be bothersome and they’d be angry about it. But, I still don’t think that means most men would stop having that particular fantasy, nor should they. Of course, that does mean it has to stay strictly a fantasy and doesn’t give them any sort of permission to persue it with other women.
I guess I feel that that is what fantasies are for; living out the things we can’t do in real life. There are things I fantasize about that my husband isn’t into and even things I fantsize about that work really well in a fantasy but that I wouldn’t necessarily be into IRL (Holly Pervocracy has a great post today about that very subject). I don’t feel that any of those fantasies are in anyway dangerous to my marriage as long as Im not trying to take them from my head and make them real.
@June Clever
June, I think fantasies can be a danger because people tend to react the way we’ve practiced reacting in our heads, and sometimes we get an opportunity that we practiced for in fantasy. I had an experience once that read unexpectedly like the beginning of a Penthouse Forum story. I was taking a massage class and practising with a hot classmate at her house, and she suddenly turned a massage session erotic. I would have found the whole scenario totally implausible. At this point I was still married to my first wife, but she had already left me and I was lonely and horny. It would not have been odd for me to fantasize about my hot classmate suddenly turning a massage session erotic. If I had fantasized about that scenario, I bet I would have gone along with her instead of turning her down (or to be more precise awkwardly pretending her moves had been accidental).
I don’t think all fantasies are dangerous, some are more dangerous than others, and there’s all kinds of complications with the real situation. If I had fantasized about a threesome involving my wife, me, and pornstar Aria Giovanni, it would have been pretty safe. If it had been her adorably cute friend from highschool, who liked me, it would be more risky.
A situation my wife brought up that I tried really hard not to dwell on was, during her first marriage, when she was super unhappy with the sex with her first husband, she jokingly suggested wife-swapping with the couple including that friend; but it wasn’t really a joke. I’m not a jealous person and I think that friend is the bee’s knees, so not thinking of that took work. The thing is, it wasn’t a way to tease me, it was a confession and a comment on how unhappy she was. She really didn’t need to hear that I thought it was super-hot when she was driven to it by discontent.
BTW, I wrote a post on the topic of fantasy as mental preparation back in August.
@Confessor #5
And isn’t this all fun!
For what it’s worth, the fantasy turns me on but I have personal trepidation. Yes, I throughly enjoy flirting aggressively with other women to turn him on. He likes it, I like. Everyone wins.
Thank you everyone for trying to protect me here, but this in definitely not the case. My husband and We have excellent communication and have no problems being honest. I’d rather know about fantasies, honestly. And having all this come up has given us an opportunity to revisit the situation. Even talking about fantasies that we may or may not ever fulfill is hot and good for an old married couple ;)
Okay, we aren’t that old.
“Even talking about fantasies that we may or may not ever fulfill is hot and good for an old married couple ;)”
And that’s it in a nut shell.