Comments on: It Shall Come To Pass…

By: Katie

Katie — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 02:22:56 +0000

I completely understand and relate to this. I’m working on it in therapy. It’s fucking hard living like everything’s going to fall apart any second.

By: Kit

Kit — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 04:23:35 +0000

I suffer from this same problem. And despite 14 years of marriage, doing everything together and doing SO many destructive things to each other within our relationship, I KNOW it’s probably a forever thing. But I still secretly wait for it to be over. I mean, I’m so fundamentally broken, how could he want to deal with that?

I often find myself overcompensating to the point of annoying. Internalizing everything that goes wrong, thinking that it’s my job to make sure he’s always happy and never stressed and if I don’t do that, I’ve somehow failed at my job.

Which is absolutely stupid. But I’ve got a suitcase full of issues that constantly tell me that I’m just not worth it. Haven’t figured out how to let go of it yet.

By: phlegmfatale

phlegmfatale — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 23:38:15 +0000

You’re so lovely and delightful, QP, and it pains me that you torture yourself so. Laramy is a lucky guy, and you are both are lucky to have found such a felicitous union.

By: A Friend

A Friend — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 23:15:04 +0000

I know you and Laramy personally.
So it is with a blush that I say that I am envious of what you two have, and think that each of you is lucky to have found the other.
Re-read that sentence: each of you is lucky to have found the other. Each of you is lucky to be in the relationship with the other.

This is not to imply that either one of you doesn’t deserve what you were lucky to find; it means that there’s only so much of that around, and you two have found it. That’s pretty damned special. So are you.

Please guard your relationship, if only from yourself. :)

By: Mousie762

Mousie762 — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 13:09:44 +0000

I’m in a similar place since my divorce, but in my case it was expressed in a worse way; it was hurting people and ruining relationships from the outset. I started dating for a while but stopped again because of that. I was sure that any love I saw was just because they didn’t know me well enough, that they would eventually come upon the flaw I couldn’t identify that caused my wife to leave and either leave or even if they stayed they’d be miserable. I was nice consciously but my instincts were all wrong; how could what I thought matter to my date if it’s impossible that she could be serious about me?

I wonder if that’s a contributor to the attitude you see in PUAs. If it’s impossible that she cares about him or what he thinks, how can he hurt her?

By: Dixie

Dixie — Sat, 20 Aug 2011 04:13:02 +0000

Quit analyzing your relationship and just enjoy it. Laramy loves you! And you are a lucky girl!

By: Orphan

Orphan — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 16:20:22 +0000

My response, which grew rather longer (and drifted further off topic on several points) than I intended: http://orphanwilde.blogspot.com/2011/08/in-response.html

By: CheckeredFoxglove

CheckeredFoxglove — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 15:17:47 +0000

Oh boy do I recognize this. I’ve broken up with several lovely gentlemen just to preempt them dumping me. I mean, it was inevitable, right? I might as well just do it first and save myself the embarrassment.

I wish I could give you some good advice, but I’m still stuck in this rut. I only have mediocre and possibly useless advice, which is: Just suffer. Suffer the insecurity, suffer the fear that they’ll leave you. Suffer it hard. Eventually, if you suffer long enough but don’t do anything about it (plus getting constant reassurance, that can be nice too, and you can even ask for it [I only recently learned this]!), you’ll hopefully habituate and also learn from time that they actually aren’t about to leave you. Hopefully. It doesn’t actually make it better, but committing to suffering without acting really helped me relax about accidentally-on-purpose sabotaging a relationship.

Also, Emily Nagoski, if you don’t read her yet, is Very Very Helpful if science makes you feel better about stuff. No guarantees it’ll help you, but reading her thing about attachment styles really helped me stop with the bullshit sabotage. http://enagoski.wordpress.com/2010/06/21/attachment-styles-a-primer/

By: V

Fri, 19 Aug 2011 14:34:08 +0000

Also rife with insecurities, I understand this perfectly…this feeling of always waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to realize what a mistake he’s made. It can be horribly debilitating on ‘our’ side of the fence and horribly demeaning on ‘his’ side. It’s a difficult struggle when you cannot look at yourself and see yourself as others see you – in your case, you’re an articulate, funny and entertaining woman who cares about other people. I’m sure there are many, many other positive things about you, too – these are just a few of the things I know from reading your blog.

I know it’s hard to believe he could be right about you – the let-downs, the insensitive comments and criticisms received over a lifetime from those that are supposed to love you leave deep scars. When he is someone that is non-judgemental, with whom you can be open and honest and trust, I think you have to come to believe that perhaps you are worthy – after all, he wouldn’t lie to you and you’d trust his judgement otherwise. Not to say that I don’t still ask “those” questions now and then (Are you sure you’re happy with me? Are you getting what you need out of our relationship? You’re sure I’m not too [insert negative personality trait here]?)…..but I have become much much better and more self-confident over time. It’s a wonderful feeling!

By: Christina LMT

Christina LMT — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 13:30:26 +0000

Why? Why do you do this to yourself? I know that moment well, when you look in the mirror, or focus on some nasty thought you’ve had, and wonder how or why anyone could ever love you. And it sucks. And we have to stop doing it.

The important thing is that you are aware of this, not to go all psycho-babble on you or anything, and that you and Laramy communicate. And from the vantage point of having a decade or so on you, I can tell you that if you keep working at it, you WILL get over your insecurities. Cliched as it may be, it just takes time.