As quite an overtly sexual, somewhat kinky type, I’m often attracting shocked/disdainful/disapproving looks from passers by, when sneaking betwixt clubs and hotels and whatnot.

When I receive such a look, I really enjoy (despite almost never finding the person attractive) vividly imagining the giver of the look and myself engaged in the filthiest sexual practice I can come up with at the time, then making eye contact and imagining how they’d feel if they knew what I was thinking.

I’m increasingly unsure if this is hilarious or genuinely sinister.

I’m a rather closeted bisexual-sex-fiend and there are no sex toy stores near me, thus explaining my lack of dildos. I use mascara tubes after they’re done. My fravourite is Lash Max by Maybelline ;D

Now I’m wondering if those vibrating mascaras would be any good.

I cheated on my boyfriend. Three times so far (all with the same guy). The first two times I just gave him head, but the third time we had sex. I really don’t like the guy I’m cheating with, but his cock is really fabulous so I keep wanting to do it even though I know I shouldn’t and really don’t want to except for the awesome sex. I wish my boyfriend gave me as awesome sex, then I wouldn’t still be waiting the other guy.

My husband and I have an “open marriage”. My husband fucks like a porn star but he kisses me like I’m his 90 year old Aunt. Kissing is just about my favorite thing to do, so much so that I’d rather make-out with someone than get oral. If he’d kiss me half as passionately as he fucks, I’d have no need for other men.

If only partners were modular and you could upgrade just one thing. Of course, people have been saying that since time began. Great sex and kissing are pretty great, though. I will have one of each, size large.

Have something to share? Give it to me.

Have I mentioned yet that I kind of like sex toys? Have we covered that? Yes? Oh, good.

Well, I might start reviewing toys for Babeland, one of my favorite purveyors of sex toys, soon. Notice there’s a little banner for them on my sidebar now. That’s how excited I am about this (plus the banner has a hot chick, so there’s that too).

If you like sex toy reviews, the good news is that they may be coming in a little thicker over here in the not-too-distant future. If you don’t like sex toy reviews, feel free to send me other things to review. I particularly enjoy British roadsters.

I hate it when I catch my boyfriend checking out other women. When I’m with him and see a guy who catched my eye, I’ve very discreet if I sneak a look, and I’d like him to use the same discretion. It seems stupid, because we both do it, and it’s utterly harmless when I check out another man. I know it’s harmless when he checks out another woman. And why pretend that we’re not doing something we both know that we both do? But I still hate it when I catch him doing it when he’s with me.

I think a major relationship perk of being bi is that I tend to check out chicks with my boyfriends and it’s really fun and bonding. This isn’t advice or anything, just a personal note (see above).

I wish one of my friends would dump his fiance. Mostly because she does shit like get drunk and tell him he’s not good enough for her, but partly because I miss the FWB situation we used to have. I keep thinking about him bending me over the arm of the couch and fucking me until my legs gave out. But mostly, it’s the thing about his fiance being a total bitch. Really.

I’ve been in the position where I’ve felt a friend was making horrible relationship decisions. I’ve also been the one making horrible relationship decisions. While I’ve never had it complicated by mad lust, I imagine that makes it roughly 500 times more frustrating. Why, oh why is it never appropriate to say, “Hey buddy, you’re with an abusive/evil/annoying/incompatible/etc. dead-end. It’s time to go back to the drawing board and also, unrelatedly, bend me over this couch.”?

A few weeks ago I decided to purchase a sex toy (two actually) as a surprise for my wife. I thought she would find it exciting. Was I ever wrong! As for now she is not open to the idea. She asked me a few questions. 1. Are YOU not happy with our sex life? Yes. I am. 2. Do I have, or have I ever had, any problem reaching orgasm? No. You have not. 3. Do I not immensely enjoy our sex? Yes. You do. 4. Then WHY bring home a couple of sex toys?! I was crushed. I also immediately felt stupid for not speaking with her about bringing home a foreign object I intended to place inside her most private of parts. After giving it some consideration, I realized that I had just received an amazing compliment. My wife is very satisfied with our lovemaking. She demonstrated that enjoyment again last night. Mind-blowing to be sure! I haven’t tossed out the toys. Hopefully one day we will be able to use them. If not, I’ll keep on enjoying our great relationship, both in and out of bed!

Sex toys aren’t for everyone. I have a dream where an amazing sex life is, though. Glad you guys found it!

My cum tastes good to me. I’m not sure if it’s the same as not able to smell yourself when you stink, but I like it. The weird thing is I’m a little proud of this.

Dude, own it. Apropos of little, sometimes my sweat smells like chicken soup. FOR THE SOUL. Okay, not for the soul.

Send me your sex confessions!

We ate at a cafe nearby and she gave me a little ring with a tiny diamond chip in the center of a golden heart that now fits my pinkie. It was an amazing day to be a little girl. My aunt is pretty awesome.

Those statues and paintings at the museum were probably the first images I saw of naked people. I grew up with conservative Christian parents and had a healthy Protestant shame of my body, and it was obvious that I felt miserably guilty seeing all those body parts I was pretty sure I wasn’t supposed to know existed. And my aunt told me something that I still remember. She said, “when you really look at the human body it’s very beautiful, and there’s nothing wrong with it.” And that, to me– when I was five and so very sheltered– was revolutionary.

This story has very little to do with the point of this entry, but what I’m trying to say is that I like art. I even have a small but personally rewarding degree of ability when it comes to two-dimensional art. But, while I hate to admit this because it’s such an abominable stereotype that women suck with three-dimensional space, I totally suck at three-dimensional space. I have a few friends who do amazing things with ceramics and metal and such, and I just stare in wonder as if they’re holding wands and muttering pseudo-Latin Harry Potter pastiche, because it’s so far beyond me.

In fact, if you give me clay I will make a sad-looking dinosaur. Pretty much every time.

And when three-dimensional art and orgasms combine, what can I say about it but HALE to the YES.

This is how woodgasms are born.

Which brings us to our point. Epiphora, one of the best sex toy reviewers ever, period, is teaming up with pleasure boutique SheVibe to give away an amazing NobEssence piece of fuckable art.

I’ve never had the privilege to use a NobEssence toy, but they are a gorgeous line of hard wood toys that, if they feel half as good as they look, might as well all have Phoenix feather and Unicorn hair cores because they are absolutely fantastical.

A few amazingly cool features of the Woodgasm giveaway:

1. There are a lot of ways to enter. Most of them disturbingly easy! In fact, I’m entering it right now, if you know what I mean.
2. This isn’t just any giveaway. This is a customized giveaway. You get to CHOOSE which creation you want from SheVibe’s entire NobEssence collection! You’ve got beautiful dildos, butt plugs, cock rings, and more to pick from.
3. If you win, you are going to feel so fucking classy putting that elegant woodgrain museum piece inside you.
4. There’s still time for you to get in on the twitter trivia party tonight, for extra chances to win!
5. I just want to use the term “fuckable art” again.

So what are you waiting for? Go enter!

(first image, second image source)

Sugarlight via ModelMayhem

Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. For updates and information follow our RSS Feed and Twitter.

Did you miss Pleasurists #80? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #82? Be sure to read our submission guidelines and then use our submission form and submit it before Sunday June 13th at 11:59pm PDT.

Want to win some swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

• Contest: Blue Swirl Real Tip Glass Dildo Deadline: June 10th @ 11:59pm Eastern.
• Summer Splash Giveaway! Deadline: June 12th @ 11:59pm Eastern.
• Who’s Your Daddy Fathers Day Giveaway! Deadline: June 19th.
• Giveaway: Woodgasm Deadline: June 20th @ 11:59pm Pacific.
• Win Ophoria K-Balls Deadline: June 30th.
• Win An Amazing Hot Heart Massager Deadline: June 30th.
• June’s Sexy Contest: Explore Your Fantasies with KinkAcademy & Dr. Ruthie Deadline: June 30th.
• Celebrate True’s 3 Years of Wedded Bliss and Get WET! Deadline: June 30th @ 11am Central.

Editor’s Pick

• Wahl of Orgasms by Quizzical Pussy

People come up to me all the time and say, “Quizzical Pussy, I was so entirely sorry to learn of the demise of your Jack Rabbit.”

At this point I always give my little funereal grimace/smile that I practiced when all my grandparents were dying off; I nod gravely. “Thank you for being here. It means so much to the family.”

Editor

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

Looking for sexy posts other than reviews?

e[lust] #14

On to the reviews…

Vibrators

• Le Reve by Mistress Kay
• Solar Bullet by Sammi
• Super7 G-Pulse by Toys in Love
• RO120mm by Darling Dove
• Desire by Sammi
• Wahl by Quizzical Pussy
• Ophoria Beyond No 1 by Pretty Power Tools
• Lia Magic Wand by Sarahbear
• Vida Vanta by Juliettia
• Hello Kitty Pocket Rocket by Sea of Neptune
• Pirates Pendant by Missy
• Turbo Glider by Epiphora
• Fun Factory Spring by Dr. Ruthie
• Sweet Dreams Desire by Pretty Power Tools

Dildos

• Jollies Jollie by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr
• Vixen Mistress by Mistress Kay
• Tantus O2 Revolution by Britni TheVadgeWig
• Rose G-Spotter by Darling Dove
• Rose G-Spotter by Luscious Lily
• Vixen Creations Nexus Maximus by Marilyn
• Tantus Silk by Red Vinyl Kitty
• Vixen Creations Raquel by Kynky Kytty
• Scrudy by Sarahbear
• Ophoria Beyond No. 3 by Mistress Kay
• Duncan Charles Designs Signature by Epiphora
• WetForHer Two by Pretty Power Tools
• Tantus Charmer by Lila

Anal Toys

• Nexus O & O Max by Scarlet Lotus St. Syr
• Nexus O by Toys in Love
• Evolved Talon by Cooper
• Tantus Infinity by Sammi

Toys for Cocks

• Sex In a Can – Spread Eagle by Dr. Ruthie

Lube, Massage Oil, Bath Stuff, & etc.

• Intimate Organics Hydra by Cooper
• Wet Synergy by Sea of Neptune
• Intimate Organics Cleansing Bath and Shower Gel by Britni TheVadgeWig
• ID Millennium by Wilhelmina Wang
• Bikini Kitty Cat Nip by HotMoviesForHer Sex Toy Crew

BDSM/Fetish

• Sportsheets Under the Bed Restraints by Luscious Lily
• Extreme Compliance Kit by Mistress Kay
• Heart 2 Heart Cuffs by On Intimacy
• Whipsmart New Millenium Hog Tie by Joanna Cake
• KinkAcademy.com by Garnet Joyce

Adult Books/Games

• Great Sex Games Unpredictable by Cooper
• Big Book of Sex Toys by Newlyinclined
• I Dare You by Pretty Power Tools

Adult Movies & Porn

• Seven Minutes in Heaven 2: Tender Hearted by Holly
• Sex: How to Do Everything by Nadia West
• Crash Pad Series Volume 5: The Revolving Door by Kyle Jones
• The Perfect Secretary: Training Day by Mistress Kay
• Fluid: Women Redefining Sexuality by Jonsbabydoll
• Latin Mommas by The Porn Librarian
• Straight Guys For Gay Eyes & For Women Too! – Kurt Lockwood by FrzKey
• Handcuffs by The Porn Librarian
• Heads Up – The Official Guide To Fellatio by J.D. Bauchery
• Insatiable by FrzKey
• Please Ma’am by the Porn Librarian
• Going Down: The Official Guide to Cunnilingus by Sarahbear
• My Plaything: Ashlynn Brooke by Mistress Kay
• Debbie Does Dallas by The Countess
• Belladonna’s Strapped Dykes by Jonsbabydoll

Sex Furnitre

• Luv-U-Lounge by True Pleasures
• Hot Pink Dance Pole Kit by Juliettia

Miscellaneous

• Eat Whatever Mints by Shay
• Sportsheets Vibrating Corsette Harness by Bailey
• Sensis Condoms with Quikstrips by Gardenvy
• BOP for Her by Sexorcism
• Ophoria K-Balls 10 Textured by Jonsbabydoll
• Ophoria K-Balls 10 Textured by Vanilla Kinks
• Condom Cube by Isabel0329

Some (highly cynical) people suggest that our purchases can be far more valuable than our votes. I wouldn’t go that far, but I agree that the choices we make as consumers can drastically affect the way society evolves. Money molds policy, and purchases set priorities.

So when we spend our hard-earned money on something that gives us sexual pleasure, we’re making a statement. We’re saying that sexual freedom and expression are worth something concrete. We’re voting that the pursuit of orgasms is healthy and wholesome. We’re insisting that lascivious satisfaction is important enough to shell out for, and that’s a powerful coup in a culture that too often frowns upon pleasure.

Or, I dunno. Maybe we’re just trying to get off, right?

Maybe I forgot to tell you, I love sex toys. I think they’re grand, from the earliest Greek olisbos to the newest, fanciest vibrators that do mad things like plug into your ipod. While I only marginally get why people can’t be satisfied with their fucking 6-month-old phones just because a slightly better model is coming out, I utterly connect with the fundamental human need to own every possible orgasm-producing device in existence. I don’t even care if they’re meant for penises, I’ll make them work!

And I just love the idea of a whole heap of people all around the world buying and celebrating sex toys once a year. It’s a hell of an excuse to buy a dildo, if nothing else. And now it’s really, truly here. Today is Buy A Sex Toy Day.

I decided to buy the Njoy Pure Wand, partly because my comments came down on the Wand’s side 2-to-1, but also because a) I started questioning the wisdom of getting partner-dependent toy right now, considering Laramy and I have a long list of toys and other experiments we still haven’t gotten around to trying and b) I’m interested in exploring more insertion during my masturbation sessions, and my pussy seems enthusiastic about using the Pure Wand in that initiative.

So how about you? Are you celebrating BAST day? You don’t have to spend a lot or even buy something you wouldn’t otherwise. Your BAST day purchase could be a simple as a bottle of lube you’re going to need in a couple weeks anyway. Or you buy that Real Doll you’ve always wanted. Or anything in between.

If you’ve bought/are buying something in honor of the first annual BAST day, tweet about it, blog about it, comment about it here! Spread the word! If you just like the idea but don’t want to buy anything, spread the word anyway!

If you don’t like the idea at all and can’t wait for me to shut up about it already, come back Mondy when I’ll have gotten it out of my system… you know, until I start ramping up for next year. Because BAST day is every June 4th from now on, dammit, and it’s only going to grow mightier.

(image source)

Buy A Sex Toy Day is mere days away, and I’m still not 100% sure whether I’m going with the vibrating, intercourse-enhancing We Vibe 2 or the life-changing g-spot phenomenon, the Njoy Pure Wand.

It’s apples and oranges, really. It’s not like we’re talking Freddy and Jason here. There’s no clear winner (that would be Freddy, by the way). They would fill different voids in my toy arsenal; I clearly need both of them eventually, but which do I need roughly now-ish? Like so many things in life, it’ll come down to whim.

Or maybe I’ll just take a vote on my sex blog.

Can you recommend a sex toy for me? I’ve been inspired by Buy A Sex Toy Day, and I think it’s time for me to get better acquainted with myself. It needs to be cheap (under $50) because I’m unemployed and broke. It should be non-threatening, because this makes me incredibly nervous. And it should vibrate, because, well… I want it to.

Yay! I’m so excited you want to get a sex toy for BAST day! I wrote about the Wahl massager yesterday, and I have to say, I think it would fit your criteria very well. It’s unintimidating: it doesn’t look like a penis, it has no clues to its sexual applications on its packaging, and in a pinch you might even be able to convince people you use it on your sore neck. Oh, and does it ever vibrate! The only real problem is that it isn’t insertable, so if you’re looking for penetration you’ll want something more like this Orchid G, which I’ve never tried but have heard good things about. The bulb gives you g-spot stimulation, but it also makes it versatile as a clit vibrator. The major con to this toy is apparently that it’s wicked loud. If anyone has any other suggestions, please comment!

I was not very worldly when my first boyfriend started talking about anal. Didn’t sound like a good time to me, but if there’s one thing you can say about me, it’s that I’m game. One night he plied me with wine, teased the hell out of me and made me beg for a proper seeing-to. I was feeling very warm and agreeable when he flipped me over on hands and knees and very gently, very gradually eased his huge large cock in. I actually really liked it and I squirted. [two confessions in one: I didn't know about squirting and was horrified-- I def. didn't need to pee. Took me years to realize...] The next time, he was in a big, big rush. I was getting turned off by the relationship in general at that point, planning my exit, and maybe slightly less game than before. He hurried me to drink some cheap wine (ugh!) and then I was there on the floor, hands and knees. I admonished him to go slowly, to let me tell him when to move forward, but once things commenced, he decided to ram it home. Fucker. He was a big clothes horse and spent vast sums on clothes/shoes, but was the last of the galloping cheapskates in every other way. So there I was on the floor, NOT about to squirt, not about to have anything I’d remember as a positive experience and he’s going to town in pursuit of his own pleasure. I felt the bile rising in my esophagus. *gack* What to do? I was gonna puke. The combo of cheap wine, personal distress and rushing what could have been a good thing was a perfect storm of oogyness, and I had to think fast – where to direct my vomit? One of his prized shark-grey Bruno Magli loafers was nearby, yawning, oblivious to my plight– someone had to pay. I grabbed it and yakked. Instant boner-kill. FWIW – anal is now on my definite list of likes, but has to be done very carefully. I think it’s sad how many people miss out on it because they don’t do a little research and proceed in a way that won’t damage the fuckee. Lube. Lube. Lube.

I absolutely agree. Anal sex can be so much fun, but! Lube. Lube. Lube.

So me and my ex-husband swang, we split, and he loved me so much that he felt the need to find me a lover. Only thing is, is this lover he wanted me to get with was 1) A good friend of his 2) married and 3) my former capt. I acted all offended but contacted the guy anyway. We have been together for a year now and part of me so wants to tell my ex how much better in bed he is, but a bigger part wants my ex to be there to watch it.

I never told my first that he was my first- and he never noticed.

Do you have any deep, dark secrets, questions, or concerns? Send them to me. I’ll give them a good home.

At this point I always give my little funereal grimace/smile that I practiced when all my grandparents were dying off; I nod gravely. “Thank you for being here. It means so much to the family.”

But the conversation doesn’t end there. How could it? The next question is only natural, and it comes as surely as dry-humping appears at your first unsupervised high school party: “So, if you don’t mind my asking, Q.P., what are you doing for orgasms these days?”

It’s an excellent question. It deserves a good answer, and thorough. Of course sometimes I get orgasms from my boyfriend, Laramy. You know how solo orgasms can be every bit as satisfying and powerful as those you experience with an ultra-hot, highly-skilled partner? Yeah, me neither.

If I could work out a way to do this feasibly, I’d probably want 97% (with a 3% margin of error) of my orgasms to be partner orgasms. But guess what? That isn’t likely to happen, ever, given any logistics at all and my cartoonish desire for more and ever more orgasms. So masturbation is still eating up huge swaths of my sex life.

I love jacking off. It’s one of the coolest feelings ever, but putting something (like, say, a Feeldoe!) in my vagina is a big masturbation commitment for me. If the person I’m fucking doesn’t put something inside me I feel like I’m going to go insane (not in anything approaching a good way). This sort of treatment elicits a whimper that clearly says, “There are no fingers, toys, nor penises inside me right now! Heavens, why not? And did your mother know you were diabolically evil while she was carrying you in her womb or did she come to find out later? Also, still nothing in my pussy!? Hate you. Hate. You.” … I mean, all that’s in the subtext of the whimper. But on my own I can’t be arsed to penetrate myself. Clit work is clean and powerful and entirely satisfying when I’m fucking me, and (let’s face it) not really all that turned on in the first place, compared to when there’s real lust and attraction and all that.

I’m not sure if it’s normal, pathological or quirky that sex with someone is a related-but-entirely-different animal from sex with myself. I’m guessing it’s fairly common.

Anyway, for my purposes, jacking off with my Feeldoe isn’t going to replace my rabbit (whose shaft was barely ever used–especially after all the fancy rotation functioning died, but whose little bunny ears gave me more orgasms than I can possibly even try to begin to count) as my sexual staple. And clearly my Hitachi Magic Wand was not going to step up from its glamorous life of pummeling knots in my shoulders to meet the challenge. No, my new mighty mighty foot soldier of love isn’t even from the glamorous side of the I’m-a-personal-massager-not-a-vibrator-dammit tracks. Indeed, these days I’m getting most of my orgasms from the humble Wahl 7-in-1 massager.

I rode horses when I was younger, so for a long time Wahl was synonymous with the roaching of manes and the clipping of bridle paths. Much like Hitachi makes everything from automatic teller machines to elevators to sex toys, Wahl makes animal clippers, soldering irons, and… fucking magic, baby.

I’ve had my Wahl 7-in-1 (also known as the 2-Speed All-Body Massager) for years. It isn’t flashy, it isn’t sexy, it definitely wasn’t my first choice when I had those amazing flickering jack rabbit ears at my disposal, but it is solid and reliable and profoundly good at what it does.

Looking at the utilitarian, clunky, blow-dryer/glue-gun-esque form of the 7-in-1, I defy you to muster up an ounce of surprise when you learn that the design hasn’t changed since the nineteen-smumblies. It’s heavy for its size, made of hard gray plastic, and comes with little rubber-like attachments that slip over the peg at its muzzle. You use a little trigger at the handle to turn the thing on and adjust the speed from ooooooooh buzzy to aaaaaaahehehe jackhammer! and back again. It’s whisper-quiet for the power it’s packing.

It comes with seven exciting(!) attachments. I don’t really like them all, but they end up covering a lot of bases and I could certainly see how someone might have entirely different favorites than I do…

General Body kind of looks like a megaphone or the bell of a brass instrument. I have never figured out how this attachment is a good idea. In full disclosure, I think this attachment is floating around in my closet because I accidentally-on-subconscious-purpose lost it, so maybe it never got a fair shake. Still, I tried it several times and blah.

Deep Muscle looks like a pierced nipple with a barbell and two concentric nipple ring-shields. That’s the sexiest thing you’ll hear about this attachment all day, I bet. Or at least I never really use it, because I find it insipid.

Spot Application is kind of just this huge nipple thing, and it’s definitely my go-to attachment. I cannot use this on high, but it’s glorious on low. If I had to pick just one attachment and throw all the others into a volcano (or my closet), I’d be surly about it but there would be no question. Spot App, it was always you.

Scalp has lots of roundish-but-still-pretty-pointy teeth arranged in three circles on a big dish. It has an “Oh god I’m not putting that on my genitals” look to it. Of course for you people, I tried it. It’s quite lovely on one’s scalp (as you might hope), but really much nicer on my pussy than I thought it would be. Like lots of little fingers with a light, tickling touch. Don’t press hard, obviously, unless you have a special interest in lots of little fingers with an ouchy, stabby touch.

Facial…Hehe. Facial. This attachment looks more or less like a satellite dish. It feels roughly awesome, and mellows/spreads out the vibrations. I have it gently cup my whole pussy, one edge hovering over my clit and the other poised at my perineum. On the highest setting, this is just shy of “way too intense”, and it feels amazing. The Wahl’s high setting actually feels like it pummels you a bit rather than just vibrating politely, so if you follow my facial attachment method, there are some funny labia-slapping noises that you will not regret if you have any sense of humor (and/or are getting off like mad). You’ll also feel an interesting breeze, which is all part of the “Wahl facial” experience for me.

Knuckle-Joint looks like a rounded roof off a tiny toy house. This one is pretty good for applying direct pressure to the clit: you can use the rounded edge or corner to maximize intensity or a flat plane for a more dissipated effect.

Muscle Kneading is a deeply ribbed rectangular attachment. This one is a little better at actual massaging than getting me off. If this got misplaced somewhere in the depths of my closet I probably wouldn’t notice.

…If you have a super-sensitive clitoris, both high and low settings could be too intense for you, especially if you’re using an attachment that provides direct stimulation. But some of these attachments do diffuse the vibrations a little, which affords Wahl wider appeal than, for instance, the Hitachi Magic Wand enjoys. That is to say, I like the Wahl better and I suspect that many woman might feel the same way.

Did I mention that the Wahl is a plug-in, so you’re not burning through batteries? The cord is under 9 feet long by my measuring tape, so you don’t have crazy range to play with, but it’s serviceable. Also, extension cords exist.

Add to all that the Wahl 7-in-1’s durability and versatility, and the fact that you can get one for under $15 if you know where to look*, and you’ve got an absolute gem of an orgasm-giving machine. Oh, and I hear people use it for muscles or something too.

*It’s good to patronize sex-positive companies that promote sex education and all that, but most sex shops that don’t overcharge for most things still overcharge for this particular product. I have no idea why.

(image source)

When my (now husband) and I started dating the idea that he was my first “real boyfriend” made him really uncomfortable- he always figured that I couldn’t know if I really liked him if I didn’t have anything to compare him to. To console him I told him that I had always been so busy I just had a bunch of fuck buddies instead of boyfriends- except that I only had one lover before him (who was 20 years my senior). Amazingly, this made him feel much better. But now, I have to remember that damn made up number, cause every so often he’ll ask a question about my “past”.

A guy who had a crush on me once told me he wanted to fuck me sweetly with my own cane (which I use for, like, walking), and I thought that was kind of a darling and intriguing concept. Too bad I wasn’t attracted to him in the least and his kisses felt roughly like a blobfish looks.

On a scale of one to obvious, one being obvious and obvious being really fucking obvious, how obvious is it that I wrote this one?

I’m newly married. And the sex with my husband is incredibly boring. And I’m terrified that I will never have awesome sex.

I bought an eroscillator – one of the deluxe packages with the powerful motor and all – and it just doesn’t do anything for me. I kind of feel like I’m blaspheming the ultimate Dr. Ruth endorsed toy of wonders every time I use my three year old magic wand instead.

Just so you know, internet anonymity may be the only thing saving you from getting clubbed like a baby seal and having your eroscillator wrested from your toy chest. Not because of any blasphemy or anything, just because I really want one and now I know you’re not using yours.

…

Got a sex secret or three? Let them fly away into the internet and be free! No one will know it was you… unless of course you’re me, apparently. But I’m confident you’re not, so have at it!