quizzical pussy

Today we have an exceptional treat on quizzicalpussy.com. My friend Model T., a like for really real professional writer, is guest-posting! For an entire series! And I’m thinking that someone had better just convince him to take me for a test drive so we can do Rashomon-style car-banging accounts. Would that not be artistic? -Q.P.

As an automotive journalist, I have access to a constantly-changing pool of amazing and wonderful new vehicles. Every week I get a new car to take home and treat as my own, to evaluate and review. Yes, it’s an awesome job.

Because the major magazines have the 0-60 timing and skidpad ratings pretty much covered, I tend to focus on cars from a consumer standpoint. Whatever I’m driving, I try to use it as an actual customer would. Commuting, road-tripping, carpooling and running errands are all on the menu, and I can almost always find something to like about whatever I’m driving.

Real consumer sometimes fuck in their cars, too. So, of course, I have to do that once in a while. I wouldn’t be doing my job, otherwise. It’s for science. Of course, the average family newspaper doesn’t really want to run a story about me and A. testing the sexual viability of the latest Toyota or BMW, and I suspect most of the manufacturers and car providers don’t really want to know what goes on in their back seats either.

QP has assured me, however, that you most certainly do; thus, I am here to guest-blog.

Infiniti G37: A. was appalled when I told her I’d never had sex in a car. “But cars are your life!” she gasped. “How could you have never fucked in one?” I didn’t really have an answer, and the subject slid quietly into the greater weave of the conversation.

Fast-forward a few weeks to the arrival of the Infiniti G37 Coupe. The two-door version of Infiniti’s sports sedan is a slickly attractive grand touring car, a lithe and muscular high-speed road-tripper for two people and a bit of luggage. It’s also a seriously sexy vehicle, just the thing for driving to the club. The G37 is the sort of car that looks good cruising at night, with reflected neon lights slipping silently along its curves like silk over skin.

How we ended up half-clothed and banging away in the miniscule back seat a couple of hours later, literally thirty yards from the club’s smoking patio and lit by their floodlights, is a story that starts with A. meeting me on the dance floor, stuffing her panties into my hand and heading for the door without a word. Skipping to the end of that story, I can objectively say that while it is possible to get it on in the rather cramped back seat of an Infiniti G37 Coupe, it will require some contortions (one partner’s foot must be braced against the ceiling) and enough alcohol to mitigate the discomfort caused by the heavily sculpted rear buckets causing one’s back to arch in unnatural ways. I’m flexible, but I would advise fucking in a G37 Coupe only if it is absolutely necessary, as it clearly was in our case. The best car sex is opportunistic and spontaneous, after all.

It was a good way to break my car-sex cherry, for certain. I don’t know if any of the people on the club’s patio saw us, and I’m sure that Infiniti doesn’t know what we did to their car. Not to fear, though; the Japanese luxury manufacturer would not be the last to suffer such defilement at my hands.

Infiniti G37 Coupe Sex Summary:

• Arousal: 4/5–This is a very sexy vehicle. The svelte curves and intricate detailing suggest an owner with an appreciation for the sensual, and one who’s willing to spend close to $40,000 to indulge that appreciation.
• Comfort: 2/5–The rear seats are large enough for two seated adults, but when you stack them on top of each other, they no longer fit so easily.
• Discretion: 2/5–The G37 is a very handsome car; when it’s sitting at the curb, people will notice it. When the windows are fogged up and it’s rocking, they’re even more apt to notice.
• Best person to hump in this car: that unrequited high school crush, preferably in a tryst immediately following the 10-year reunion. Or, better yet, during it.

Share/Save

My Heart Will Hang You From Your Toes by Belenen

Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. For updates and information follow our RSS Feed and Twitter.

Have you entered the 100th Edition Celebration Giveaway yet? Check out how to enter.

Did you miss Pleasurists #103? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #105? Be sure to read the submission guidelines and then use the submission form and submit it before Sunday November 21st at 11:59pm PST.

Want to win some swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

• Win a We-Vibe 2 Suggest My Next Video Deadline: November 15th.
• Pleasurists 100th Edition Celebration Giveaway! Deadline: November 17th @ 11:59pm Pacific.
• Nomi Tang Getaway Wild Deadline: November 18th.
• True Cock Cuties! Deadline: November 19th @ 11am Central.
• Butterfly Kiss Giveaway Deadline: November 20th.
• Penis Bandz Deadline: November 20th.
• 100 Post/3 Month Celebration Giveaway: Day 1 Deadline: November 24th @ 11:59pm.
• 100 Post/3 Month Celebration Giveaway: Day 2 Deadline: November 25th @ 11:59pm.
• 100 Post/3 Month Celebration Giveaway: Day 3 Deadline: November 26th @ 11:59pm.
• 100 Post/3 Month Celebration Giveaway: Day 4 Deadline: November 27th @ 11:59pm.
• Win a Tantus Rascal! Deadline: November 28th @ 11:59pm Pacific.
• Get Kinky – Win 52 Weeks of Kinky Pleasures Deadline: November 30th.
• WIN the NEW a-vibe Silicone Anal Vibrator Deadline: November 30th.
• Win something for under that little-black-dress Deadline: November 30th.
• Win A Groovy Chick Deadline: December 15th.
• Win $300 Worth of Quality Kink Gear for Spanksgiving! Deadline: December 26th.

Looking for sexy posts other than reviews?

e[lust] #21

Editor

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

On to the reviews… Read more…

Share/Save

Once, long ago, I said a thing to my good friend Miriam Spiralti, and she never forgot it. In fact, in a way, I think she believes it encapsulates my personality. In her mind, this is probably my catch phrase. At least she brings it up a lot and cracks up every time. And what is it? I’ll tell you.

“Sometimes you just want a dick in your ass.”

The reason Miriam finds this statement so profoundly hilarious is the simple reality that no, she does not in fact ever just want a dick in her ass. But obviously I do.

Interestingly, I divulged this information before ever having successful, non-painful anal intercourse. But there was this craving that existed long before pleasure was thoroughly invoked. I’d grasped tantalizing teasers of how great it could be, but always cut with discomfort and pain because I was too passive and ignorant to insist on lube. But my body still knew what it wanted. Bodies are weird that way.

So I’m not really sure why it took me so long to try a butt plug.

I have a hard plastic slimline vibrator that I allocated for ass duty, and it enhances my fapping considerably. But putting things like fingers and hard plastic and rose quartz up your ass isn’t quite the same as using something firm-yet-squishy like a penis* or, say, the premium silicone Tantus Little Flirt.

The Little Flirt is wee, only an inch(ish) in diameter at its thickest (not counting the base, which is rectangular and flared). It is definitely a beginner’s plug. There’s a Big Flirt, which I haven’t tried yet, for those who feel that they’ve graduated to something bigger. The Little Flirt is, well, little.

The silicone is softer than I expected, but in practice it feels right. It and the tapered tip allow for comfortable insertion with a little water-based lube (keep in mind that silicone lube and silicone toys can result in silicone mess), but the shape retains a good degree of integrity even if you’re gripping the hell out of it in the throes of an anal orgasm, although the toy can sometimes feel dangerously close to being pushed out if the orgasm is mighty.

Let’s talk shape for a moment, shall we? Its contours are modest but you can feel every flare and cinch of them because they are happening in your butt. It’s awkward that I can’t really compare it to other anal-specific toys, but here’s what I know: it feels good when I have it in while I’m masturbating. And I keep meaning to try it whilst fucking.

In the interest of journalistic rigor (or something) I decided to bring the Little Flirt grocery shopping with me. While it was inside me, if you didn’t happen to infer that all on your own. Some people like to have a butt plug in all day, and premium silicone is one of the safer materials to use for that purpose. So I decided to go for it, although prolonged butt obstruction isn’t really a turn-on for me.

I want to be very clear that I was wearing sweatpants, no makeup, and I still had bedhead at two in the afternoon when I embarked on this adventure. It just goes to show you that the person wearing the butt plug in your local grocery store will often not be the first person you’d guess. Anyway, here’s what happened:

2:00 PM (in bedroom, just after insertion): This is going to be awesome. I think I’m already getting a little wet.

2:05 PM (leaving house): It feels like it might possibly slip out at some point. Get ready to be embarrassed, me.

2:10 PM (in car): It can’t possibly fall out while I’m sitting down. I am an evil genius.

2:15 PM (in parking lot): I can sort of see how someone could wear a butt plug all day.

2:20 PM (walking around store): How in the goddamn do people wear butt plugs all day long? It’s getting wicked uncomfortable now that I’m walking around. I need to adjust the Little Flirt a bit as I pass the makeup aisle. I hope it just looks like I have a wedgie.

2:30 PM: This feeling. The one in my butt. I do not love it. Also, Christmas music alfuckingready? Is that seriously what we’re doing today?

2:40 PM: The bathroom is now on the opposite side of the store. I am trapped on the far end of the grocery store with a piece of food-grade silicone in my ass. I brought this on myself.

2:45 PM: I WANT TO GO HOME –Oooooh almond milk’s on sale– RIGHT NOW PLEASE.

I’m going to go ahead and call this experiment “not a success”. I can’t tell you whether my shopping adventure would’ve gone better with another plug. Maybe I’m just not cut out for taking anal play to the streets.

The biggest downside to the Little Flirt, though, is really that it’s more gateway drug than toy. There’s the kind of pleasure that’s whole and satisfying unto itself, and then there’s the kind that ignites a burning need for more, NOW. We’re dealing with the latter kind. The Little Flirt is a warmup, a tease, a… actually, it’s exactly what it says it is. It’s a flirt.

In short, it is a beginner’s anal toy. It might not take long for you to crave something bigger, but it’s excellent for getting over your novice timidity.

Thank you, Babeland!

(image source)

*Apologies to people with penises for insinuating that your organs are anything short of titanium-hard, but you know what I mean, right? Rest assured that I find penises  much firmer than this toy, for what it’s worth.

Share/Save

I am ready to design sexy Halloween costumes. Lately I’ve been studying the art and science of taking a costume idea and removing as much material as possible, and I feel like I’m really starting to hit my stride. I realize this is a highly competitive field, but I feel I have the courage to push the cleavage envelope. I know in my heart that I can make people aroused, frightened, and nostalgic all at the same time…and maybe even make them think a little. I just need this chance.

It all started when AAG was having a lingerie.com Halloween costume giveaway on her blog where the winner got to pick any costume in stock, and I totally won (thanks again to both)! I have won two random drawings in my life, and the first time I won hairspray. Needless to say, this time I peed a little. With glee. And I just knew, like you just know your high school crush probably ended up in jail, exactly which costume I was going to pick: “Miss Krueger”, which is like dressing as Freddy Krueger from A Nightmare on Elm Street but replacing all the scariness and ugliness with sexiness and legs. It arrived very promptly. The hat is a little too big, but otherwise it’s everything I dreamed it’d be. Disregard the fact that I have no costume parties to go to this year. I’m wearing it around my house and threatening to kill my dog in his sleep (Look, even if he could understand English he’d appreciate my witty turn of phrase, so no calling the ASPCA now).

But looking at the other costumes available on lingerie.com I realized there were a lot of horror movie villains left out. Was no one trying to make them sexy and desirable? So I decided to be the change I want to see in the world, and designed some myself.

Oh yes, I really did, and here are some hastily drawn sketches that should give you a rough idea of my visionary talent. Novelty Fashions Industry, you are going to want to headhunt the shit out of me.

1. That Creepy Girl from Ring. The whole “being a little girl” part has to go, but we just replace it with cleavage! I love horror movies.

2. Chucky from Child’s Play. This is exactly what it would look like if Chucky didn’t insist on being a My Buddy doll and let himself be a sexy, sexy lady. Sure, you can theoretically wear a striped shirt under the cut-off overalls, but I need you to know that the sideboob is part of my vision.

3. Ghostface from Scream. This was a challenge because there’s nothing all that sexy about a billowy robe and a Munchian mask. But there’s inspiration to be found in streamlining. So I just lost the robe and made the mask the entire outfit. Seriously, everyone is going to want one of these.

(My final masterpiece is a little spoilerish. If you’ve never seen Sleepaway Camp maybe you shouldn’t click this…) Read more…

Share/Save

rainbow by bootlog

Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. For updates and information follow our RSS Feed and Twitter.

Did you miss Pleasurists #98? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #100? Be sure to read the submission guidelines and then use the submission form and submit it before Sunday October 17th at 11:59pm PDT. Also, keep a look out this week for our 100th Edition Giveaway Celebration!

Want to win some swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

• Blogiversary giveaway: 2 years, 8 prizes! Deadline: October 15th @ 11:59pm Pacific.
• Guest Post and Giveaway Deadline: October 15th @ 11:59 Central.
• Win a bottle of Sliquid Swirl Pink Lemonade! Deadline: October 17th @ 11:59pm Pacific.
• Win a copy of Tantric Sex for Busy Couples by Diana Daffner Deadline: October 18th @ 11:59pm Pacific.
• Join in True’s 24th B-Day Blowout for the Chance to Some Sexy Party Favors! Deadline: October 18th @ 11am Central.
• Win the Death by Orgasm Scorpion vibe! Deadline: October 19th @ 11:59pm Pacific.
• Win a Whipspider toy from She Vibe! Deadline: October 20th @ Noon Eastern.
• Death By Orgasm Giveaway Deadline: October 22nd.
• Halloween Birthday Bash Giveaway Deadline: October 27th.
• M’s Halloweeny Birthday Bash Giveaway Deadline: October 29th @ 11:59pm Eastern.
• Holy 4th Blogiversary Contest Deadline: October 31st @ 11:59pm Pacific.
• Win Flower and Rocket Balm Deadline: October 31st.

Looking for sexy posts other than reviews?

e[lust] #20

Editor

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

On to the reviews… Read more…

Share/Save

We all know that sex education in your standard, K-12 education tends to be varying degrees of abysmal. And many parents have a hard time having the “The Sex Talk” (singular), let alone talking to their children frankly and informatively about sex on a regular basis. Unless you know where to look for good advice and accurate knowledge, sex becomes a terrifyingly learn-as-you-go endeavor: one in which trial-and-error can really backfire. A lot.

My sexual understanding was so poor until my mid teens that I while I knew that a penis could go into a vagina, I couldn’t really fathom how because I’d only ever seen flaccid penises before and I didn’t realize that they got hard. Knowing I lacked this and other vital information, I always ended up wishing I had an older sister.

Now, strictly speaking, I do have an older sister. I actually have a couple, but when we were growing up they only stopped ignoring me when they wanted to pick on me (which is understandable, since younger sisters are all stinky, worm-faced  poopyheads). What I really wanted was a mentor who knew significantly more about sex than I did (unlike my friends) but with whom I could still spelunk through the hidden, dirty nether regions of my mind (unlike every responsible adult I knew). Even when I was 18, 19, hell, 23… this person would’ve been invaluable to me, and probably saved me a great deal of time and grief and embarrassment.

But I think that the next best thing to that would’ve been having this book.

Moregasm: Babeland’s Guide to Mind-Blowing Sex by Claire Cavanah and Rachel Venning is probably the coolest sex guide I’ve ever read. It’s even cooler than my sister who was a cheerleader. And it’s embossed. None of my sisters are embossed.

Moregasm is formatted more like a magazine than a textbook. It’s full of hot photos of sex toys and people getting it on, questions and answers, lists, and charts. The style and tone are light and conversational. It’s really what Cosmo wishes it could be, minus all the half-hearted fashion stuff that Vogue does better anyway.

This book is geared toward women, though I think nearly anyone would find it useful. It not only reads like a women’s magazine, but its first section is called “Lay of the Land: Your Body”, and deals with female anatomy with depth and understanding: from the ins and outs of orifices to body insecurities to using toys to masturbate. Later comes a “Him and His Body” section. Trans/genderqueer/intersex people are mentioned briefly (with an accompanying picture), on literally one page.

The sex advice is where Moregasm really shines. The sex tips are practical and straightforward, with an emphasis on communication. This book wastes no time or space justifying sexual pleasure nor making judgment calls on the “right” way to do things. It just works from the assumption that we’re all adults and want to get the most out of our sex lives. It discusses diseases, risks, and general safety, but never uses scare tactics. It doesn’t assume or ghettoize sexual orientation. There are separate sections for fellatio, cunnilingus, intercourse (including strap-on and anal subsections), etc. There aren’t “What Lesbians Do” and “Straight People Sex” chapters, just well-organized sexual knowledge.

Being a Babeland project, sex toy recommendations are liberally strewn throughout Moregasm. We are not talking generalized “dildos, plugs, and vibrators are things that exist”, but pictures and names of specific toys. For instance, the anal toy guide suggests the Flexi Felix as good starter anal beads, and the Pfun for prostate play. The big question here is how soon some of these toys will be outdated, and if future editions are planned as newer generations of toys come out.

Moregasm also has sections about virginity, libido, safer sex, sex when you’re older, and includes a Sex Bill of Rights (featuring rights like loving yourself, keeping lube handy, and asking for things you want). There are some damn sexy pics of people doing… you know… stuff, although more variety in race and body type would’ve made the whole thing even sexier.

Overall, this is the book I needed when I was first discovering my sexuality (even though it didn’t technically exist yet). However, as far as I am from having finished all that discovery, this book is pretty damn useful now. But without a doubt, if you know a fledgling sex fiend (even if it’s you), be a good older sister (even if you’re not female) and give the gift of Moregasm. Or, if that would be too creepy in the case in question, make carrot cupcakes instead. Because not everyone likes carrot cupcakes, but everyone should.

Thanks, Babeland!

Share/Save

via ruero

Welcome to Pleasurists, a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. For updates and information follow our RSS Feed and Twitter.

Did you miss Pleasurists #94? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #96? Be sure to read our submission guidelines and then use our submission form and submit it before Sunday September 12th at 11:59pm PDT.

Want to win some swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.

• Jimmyjane Pink Lotus Birthday Giveaway Deadline: September 15th.
• Play in Luxury – Vida Lussuria Giveaway Deadline: September 17th.
• Jimmyjane Form 3 Contest Deadline: September 19th @ 11:59pm Eastern.
• Giveaway – An Orchid G Vibrator Deadline: September 21st.
• Birthday Bash Deadline: September 21st.
• CBW Contest! Deadline: September 21st.
• Tunnel of Love Giveaway! Deadline: September 26th @ 11:59pm Pacific.
• 11:11 Designer Condom Cases Deadline: September 30th.
• Win an Ophoria A Chain Deadline: September 30th.
• Win a Sex Positions 101 Deadline: September 30th.

Looking for sexy posts other than reviews?

e[lust] #19

Editor

Scarlet Lotus St. Syr

Editor’s Pick

• LELO Siri and my clitoris: A love story by Quizzical Pussy

I’d been wanting to try a LELO toy for some time. They have a reputation for being elegant, clever, and oh-so luxurious. Actually, though, I kind of also think of LELO as the IKEA of the sex toy world: the caps lock, the funny sparse-but-exotic product names (pop quiz: tell me which of these are sex toys and which are furniture: Odda, Noga, Ina, Nea, Agne, Mona, Malma) the simple lines and bright colors.

On to the reviews…

Read more…

Share/Save

In the years to come, this summer will be known as “The Summer When Quizzical Pussy Did Not Feel Very Well At All, No Indeed.” Through judicious resting, a little feckless judgment, a will of pure petrified gristle, and massive recovery times I’ve been able to get out and do a few very fun things, but for the most part I’ve been in bed. And by “for the most part” I literally mean that if I were to calculate my time spent in bed since June, it would definitely be above 50%, and very possibly into the 70s. This, you may think, supplies a great deal of motive and opportunity to masturbate.

But I find that when my body has so little interest in cooperating with my wish to be a productive member of society, I tend to not want to do nice things for it. My masturbation habits got patchier and more grudging as the summer progressed. Yes, it’s unreasonable to punish my body for having a chronic illness by refusing to give myself orgasms, and I do not under any circumstances advocate trying to control someone with sex or withholding of same, but what can I say? Maybe with all the resentment and everything I’m just not emotionally attracted to me lately.

You can imagine how things have been: the fights, and stony silences, the outlandish threats. This domestic strife is the background to a series of extraordinary events (i.e. orgasms) that led to my clitoris dumping me for the LELO Siri, and I can’t say I half blame it.

NOT actual size.

I’d been wanting to try a LELO toy for some time. They have a reputation for being elegant, clever, and oh-so luxurious. Actually, though, I kind of also think of LELO as the IKEA of the sex toy world: the caps lock, the funny sparse-but-exotic product names (pop quiz: tell me which of these are sex toys and which are furniture: Odda, Noga, Ina, Nea, Agne, Mona, Malma) the simple lines and bright colors. I’ve always been of the opinion that IKEA could be greatly improved by the introduction of clitoral stimulation, so when I saw that Babeland had LELO’s newest creation, the Siri, up for grabs I knew I would at least temporarily lift my masturbation embargo. I’m mad, but I’m not stupid.

Happy the day that Siri graced my front door, dressed in an unassuming brown box and the glamor of youth! If I ever try to convince you that I didn’t rip it open immediately, I’ll be lying to you. Do not trust me.

The LELO Siri comes in a fucking classy series of minimalist boxes, the first of which claims to hold a “Siri pleasure object”. I applaud their decision against going that extra step into pretentiousness by calling it an “objet”. As it is, I’m pleased. And aroused, because I’m a fan of pleasure. It comes with a little satiny drawstring bag, meant, no doubt, to prevent the Siri from ever being stored in a ziplock sandwich bag. Someone must’ve told LELO about my current toys’ accommodations, and they are clearly not impressed.

The Siri itself is cute, shaped like an aerodynamic computer mouse, but smaller. It’s a clit vibe/massager, so in other words you don’t insert it, which happens to fit very well with my usual masturbation style. Roughly one (the white plastic) half is devoted to business and buttons and charging and such. The other half is covered in LELO’s vibrant matte silicone (purple, in mine), and this is the half devoted to business and skin and vibrations and climaxing. As I plugged in my adorable new pleasure object, whose charger took my cell phone charger’s place on the power strip, being of similar size and shape, I mused to myself how advanced-looking the Siri was next to my cellphone, and not just because I drop my phone all the time. I was also immediately grateful that the former had no camera function (although I should probably invent something like that because I’m sure there’s a market). It only took a couple hours to charge, and conveniently tells you when it’s ready by producing a continuous blue LED glow from the button vicinity; it blinks while it’s still charging, and reportedly glows red when it needs juice (although I haven’t experienced that yet, because this thing is a laster). Helpful!

“Realize I’m not doing this for you,” I informed my body as I held the fully-charged Siri over my nethers. “I haven’t even begun to forgive you,” but we agreed to put our differences aside for the moment. This thing was bigger than our ongoing issues.

I turned it on. This was going well. I turned it up a bit. Oh, this was going very well. I kept turning it up, and it kept going up, past the point where I felt sure it would stop. This pleasure object is small, but it’s fierce!

The Siri has four buttons, and even from the dizzying heights of orgasm it isn’t confusing to work them. The plus and minus sign buttons turn it on and off, and coax the intensity up and down. The arrow buttons step through six vibration patterns. I’m not usually a huge pattern person, but some of these were, in a word, compelling. Especially the last one, which when you put it up against your temporomandibular joint sounds like an NES theme song.

I find it easy to grasp and hold onto and adjust in my hand for more focused or more diffused vibrations. This is not a hard toy to work one-handed, which makes it nice if you want to add an insertable to the party.

My clitoris, especially, seemed overjoyed with the experiment. After too many orgasms to count, did my clitoris thank me? Did it thank our friends at Babeland? No. It was all about the Siri. In the days that followed, my clitoris kept pestering me: “When are we going to use the Siri again? Do you think the Siri liked me? Why are we playing a video game when the Siri’s sitting right there? Why are we driving to the doctor’s office when we could be playing with the Siri? We never do what I want to do,” and frequently, “SIRI!” out of nowhere, at any time of the day or night. Bitch woke me up twice.

After a difficult week of zero masturbation mostly unrelated to my tiny, high-maintenance passenger, I brought out the Siri again. I was surprised to find that a) it had held its charge beautifully, and b) there was a note, signed by my clitoris, in that little satiny drawstring bag. The text is as follows:

I burn, I pine, I perish.

No one ever accused my clitoris of being original. Did I ignore the note and go on to use the Siri and have some really stellar orgasms? You know I did.

It wasn’t long before my clitoris notified me that because of my neglect and general unpleasantness in comparison to some, we would remain connected only because of physiological necessity. From this point on, we were not “together”, because it now belonged entirely to my Siri. It also informed me that I look stupid in boyshorts.

Overall, I love the Siri. It’s exactly what I hoped it would be: an easy-to-use, stylish, surprisingly mighty clit vibe. Also, it’s cute as a button and cuter than most actual buttons. The only minor complaints I have against it are:

1. It doesn’t cycle through its vibration patterns. That is, you can go up through patterns 1 to 6, and you can go back down again. You can’t easily get from 6 back around to 1. I personally would find it very useful if I could, since pattern 6 is a great buildup and pattern 1 is the steady vibration, which is what really gets me off the most. As it is, the quickest transition seems to be turning the thing off and on.
2. This thing is not waterproof. You’re supposed to keep water away from the charging port and buttons. It’s really not that difficult to clean if you take a bit of care, but if you’re a squirter there could be complications, depending on how you’re positioning your Siri and the trajectory of your orgasm.
3. It stole my motherfucking clitoris. Homewrecker.

A thousand thanks to Babeland!

Share/Save

People come up to me all the time and say, “Quizzical Pussy, I was so entirely sorry to learn of the demise of your Jack Rabbit.”

At this point I always give my little funereal grimace/smile that I practiced when all my grandparents were dying off; I nod gravely. “Thank you for being here. It means so much to the family.”

But the conversation doesn’t end there. How could it? The next question is only natural, and it comes as surely as dry-humping appears at your first unsupervised high school party: “So, if you don’t mind my asking, Q.P., what are you doing for orgasms these days?”

It’s an excellent question. It deserves a good answer, and thorough. Of course sometimes I get orgasms from my boyfriend, Laramy. You know how solo orgasms can be every bit as satisfying and powerful as those you experience with an ultra-hot, highly-skilled partner? Yeah, me neither.

If I could work out a way to do this feasibly, I’d probably want 97% (with a 3% margin of error) of my orgasms to be partner orgasms. But guess what? That isn’t likely to happen, ever, given any logistics at all and my cartoonish desire for more and ever more orgasms. So masturbation is still eating up huge swaths of my sex life.

I love jacking off. It’s one of the coolest feelings ever, but putting something (like, say, a Feeldoe!) in my vagina is a big masturbation commitment for me. If the person I’m fucking doesn’t put something inside me I feel like I’m going to go insane (not in anything approaching a good way). This sort of treatment elicits a whimper that clearly says, “There are no fingers, toys, nor penises inside me right now! Heavens, why not? And did your mother know you were diabolically evil while she was carrying you in her womb or did she come to find out later? Also, still nothing in my pussy!? Hate you. Hate. You.” … I mean, all that’s in the subtext of the whimper. But on my own I can’t be arsed to penetrate myself. Clit work is clean and powerful and entirely satisfying when I’m fucking me, and (let’s face it) not really all that turned on in the first place, compared to when there’s real lust and attraction and all that.

I’m not sure if it’s normal, pathological or quirky that sex with someone is a related-but-entirely-different animal from sex with myself. I’m guessing it’s fairly common.

Anyway, for my purposes, jacking off with my Feeldoe isn’t going to replace my rabbit (whose shaft was barely ever used–especially after all the fancy rotation functioning died, but whose little bunny ears gave me more orgasms than I can possibly even try to begin to count) as my sexual staple. And clearly my Hitachi Magic Wand was not going to step up from its glamorous life of pummeling knots in my shoulders to meet the challenge. No, my new mighty mighty foot soldier of love isn’t even from the glamorous side of the I’m-a-personal-massager-not-a-vibrator-dammit tracks. Indeed, these days I’m getting most of my orgasms from the humble Wahl 7-in-1 massager.

I rode horses when I was younger, so for a long time Wahl was synonymous with the roaching of manes and the clipping of bridle paths. Much like Hitachi makes everything from automatic teller machines to elevators to sex toys, Wahl makes animal clippers, soldering irons, and… fucking magic, baby.

I’ve had my Wahl 7-in-1 (also known as the 2-Speed All-Body Massager) for years. It isn’t flashy, it isn’t sexy, it definitely wasn’t my first choice when I had those amazing flickering jack rabbit ears at my disposal, but it is solid and reliable and profoundly good at what it does.

Looking at the utilitarian, clunky, blow-dryer/glue-gun-esque form of the 7-in-1, I defy you to muster up an ounce of surprise when you learn that the design hasn’t changed since the nineteen-smumblies. It’s heavy for its size, made of hard gray plastic, and comes with little rubber-like attachments that slip over the peg at its muzzle. You use a little trigger at the handle to turn the thing on and adjust the speed from ooooooooh buzzy to aaaaaaahehehe jackhammer! and back again. It’s whisper-quiet for the power it’s packing.

It comes with seven exciting(!) attachments. I don’t really like them all, but they end up covering a lot of bases and I could certainly see how someone might have entirely different favorites than I do…

General Body kind of looks like a megaphone or the bell of a brass instrument. I have never figured out how this attachment is a good idea. In full disclosure, I think this attachment is floating around in my closet because I accidentally-on-subconscious-purpose lost it, so maybe it never got a fair shake. Still, I tried it several times and blah.

Deep Muscle looks like a pierced nipple with a barbell and two concentric nipple ring-shields. That’s the sexiest thing you’ll hear about this attachment all day, I bet. Or at least I never really use it, because I find it insipid.

Spot Application is kind of just this huge nipple thing, and it’s definitely my go-to attachment. I cannot use this on high, but it’s glorious on low. If I had to pick just one attachment and throw all the others into a volcano (or my closet), I’d be surly about it but there would be no question. Spot App, it was always you.

Scalp has lots of roundish-but-still-pretty-pointy teeth arranged in three circles on a big dish. It has an “Oh god I’m not putting that on my genitals” look to it. Of course for you people, I tried it. It’s quite lovely on one’s scalp (as you might hope), but really much nicer on my pussy than I thought it would be. Like lots of little fingers with a light, tickling touch. Don’t press hard, obviously, unless you have a special interest in lots of little fingers with an ouchy, stabby touch.

Facial…Hehe. Facial. This attachment looks more or less like a satellite dish. It feels roughly awesome, and mellows/spreads out the vibrations. I have it gently cup my whole pussy, one edge hovering over my clit and the other poised at my perineum. On the highest setting, this is just shy of “way too intense”, and it feels amazing. The Wahl’s high setting actually feels like it pummels you a bit rather than just vibrating politely, so if you follow my facial attachment method, there are some funny labia-slapping noises that you will not regret if you have any sense of humor (and/or are getting off like mad). You’ll also feel an interesting breeze, which is all part of the “Wahl facial” experience for me.

Knuckle-Joint looks like a rounded roof off a tiny toy house. This one is pretty good for applying direct pressure to the clit: you can use the rounded edge or corner to maximize intensity or a flat plane for a more dissipated effect.

Muscle Kneading is a deeply ribbed rectangular attachment. This one is a little better at actual massaging than getting me off. If this got misplaced somewhere in the depths of my closet I probably wouldn’t notice.

…If you have a super-sensitive clitoris, both high and low settings could be too intense for you, especially if you’re using an attachment that provides direct stimulation. But some of these attachments do diffuse the vibrations a little, which affords Wahl wider appeal than, for instance, the Hitachi Magic Wand enjoys. That is to say, I like the Wahl better and I suspect that many woman might feel the same way.

Did I mention that the Wahl is a plug-in, so you’re not burning through batteries? The cord is under 9 feet long by my measuring tape, so you don’t have crazy range to play with, but it’s serviceable. Also, extension cords exist.

Add to all that the Wahl 7-in-1′s durability and versatility, and the fact that you can get one for under $15 if you know where to look*, and you’ve got an absolute gem of an orgasm-giving machine. Oh, and I hear people use it for muscles or something too.

*It’s good to patronize sex-positive companies that promote sex education and all that, but most sex shops that don’t overcharge for most things still overcharge for this particular product. I have no idea why.

(image source)

Share/Save

Watching a guy play with himself fascinates me. But I’m not interested in a long, lingering, self-conscious tease that acknowledges that I’m watching and attempts to give me a show. I like to see how a guy gets himself off normally, without frills. I revel in the businesslike, perfunctory action; I like noticing the parts of his penis he focuses on and the places he ignores. I want to understand what it means for him to possess his genitals, to spy on his relationship with them. And sometimes, I find myself relating to him as much as I’m turned on.

And this is why I bought my Feeldoe. I wanted a cock of my own. Specifically, I wanted to jack off. It did occur to me– casually– that I might want to fuck another person at some point. Also, that it would be hot to slide my pretty purple cock between a set of lips, provided I could find someone to agree to give me a blowjob. But I wasn’t holding my breath or my order for any such opportunities to emerge: they were like the wacky roadtrips you might envision when you get a new car, but you’re really getting it for your day-to-day driving. Basically, I got it for day-to-day wanking.

A few of my male friends have remarked that buying the ingenious strapless strap-on to jack off with is perhaps the purest and most excellent reason to get one. It’s always nice to get unique compliments. I’m pretty sure my reason is simply the most penis-envious. Of course, if I were male I’d likely consider penis envy pretty pure and excellent myself.

I adore my pussy. I love my small-but-mighty clitoris. I write poems about my G-spot. But a cock is a beautiful thing to have, as an accessory, and I picked an especially good one.

About a year ago I was looking at strap-ons online and thinking how none of them really seemed all that tempting. I could see how the act of penetrating someone could be kinky and erotic and all, but I couldn’t imagine any harness/dildo combo feeling all that good from the fucker’s end. There’d be some clit stimulation against the harness, but it probably wouldn’t be all that different from dry humping, would it? But then. Oh, then! Then I saw the Feeldoe.

Naive as I was, to me a double dildo was a long, straight, two-headed phallus used only in porn and Darren Aronofsky movies. But this was different. This was brilliant. “Surely,” I declared to myself, “a woman designed this marvel.” Turns out, yup. It has a bulb that the top puts inside her pussy so she can feel every thrust she makes with the external dildo, and ridges that press enticingly against her clit. I could imagine the Feeldoe propelling me toward real, joyous fucking, compelling me to push faster and faster into my fuckee like a man in the grip of his impending orgasm. I also immediately realized that if I had this wondrous device I could jack myself off, and that possibility made me dizzy with longing.

I tried to reason with myself: there was no point in spending all that money on a two-person toy if I was only ever going to use it by myself. I might not even enjoy wanking like a guy, maybe I just liked the idea. But the image of stroking my own cock kept creeping into my brain, eventually camping out as a persistent fantasy. I couldn’t explain it: I wanted a cock. It didn’t matter if I never penetrated a single orifice with it, I wanted it and I would make my own fun.

So I decided to stop being a jerk and to let me have my penis. And when it came, all my wildest dreams came true. Not about fucking with it, or even getting a blowjob, because none of that has happened yet. But jacking off with my Feeldoe is fabulous. The ridges that work my clit (which I consider the major tell that a woman designed it, by the way) feel amazing when I pull on the shaft, both ends of it feel great inside me, and the little bullet vibe is a mind-blowing enhancement when I want a little something extra.

The only problem is that when I come especially hard my pelvic muscles tend to contract and push out whatever’s inside me, be it warm, pulsating flesh or slick violet silicone. So I have to concentrate on keeping it in if I want it to stay put. But the beauty of a detachable penis is that you can take it out and put it back in with ease. I do so love having it all.

Share/Save