Polynormativity and me.
I recently found this article on the problem with polynormativity, and it brought to the surface a lot of challenges with polyamory that have come up for me recently.
A friend told me several months back that I’m one of the most fundamentally poly people she’s ever met. I’m actually still not sure why that would be the case, but polyamory does feel right to me. It’s comfortable in ways that no relationship structure has ever been for me. I love having multiple paramours, and I enjoy their other relationships. I am deeply uncomfortable with possessive love; I want to love generously and freely, and I want the same option for the people I care about. I’m not sure anything else could work for me quite so well, so perhaps I am fundamentally poly. However, I struggle with polynormativity, and specifically how I do not fit well into its mold.
What is polynormativity? The article (which kind of sort of coins the term) explains it in depth, and analyzes why it is harmful. Though lengthy, it’s kind of brilliant, so I’d read it if I were you. But to summarize, polynormativity is the conception and media portrayal of polyamory as looking and functioning a very specific way. The way people are coming to expect poly to work is as follows:
- Polyamory starts with a couple. An established couple decides to “try poly”, and form other relationships radiating out from that core.
- Polyamory is hierarchical. The established couple is usually defined as primary, and all other relationships are secondary in title and importance.
- Polyamory requires a lot of rules concerning what the participants are allowed to do, with whom, and under what circumstances. There are usually special rules put in place to maintain the sanctity of the primary relationship over any secondary relationships.
- Polyamory is heterosexual(-ish). Also cute, young, and white. Also new and exciting and sexy!
But for reals, read the article.
This portrait struck me hard. It explained a lot about why I sometimes feel like I’m doing poly wrong. I’ve completely internalized this shit, and it’s quite possible that it only feels uncomfortable because I’m not doing it that way. Polynormativity surrounds me. Almost every poly person I know has a primary partner with whom they were monogamous for a time before deciding to open things up. Both my loves are married, and they followed this pattern with their spouses. On my end, I often feel like I’m still single in a sense. I couldn’t adore my girlfriend and my boyfriend more if I had access to alien technology from the planet Cloying 6, and I know they love me, but it’s hard not to feel that I’m trespassing on their “real” relationships sometimes. This isn’t their fault– it isn’t a reaction to how they or their other partners are treating me. Rather, it’s a byproduct of the way society is set up, and the fact that we’ve all agreed that marriage means one thing and dating another.
I’m actually very fortunate in that my partners don’t pay a lot of attention– and even eschew– formal hierarchy in poly. No one has ever said “you’re just the secondary, so you’ll have to make your peace with such-and-such or step off.” I can’t even describe how much that means to me. At the same time, I know that my relationships are not first priority to my partners; it would be silly to expect that, since I’m not the person either Daphne or Oren live with, sleep with every night, share finances and possessions with, or legally committed to until death. But again, I just wonder if I’m doing it wrong. Is a poly person supposed to have that one prioritized person if they want to ever be a priority themselves? Is the alternative to always feel like something of a guest in one’s own relationships, however awesome they are?
I mean, if that’s way polyamory works best, then isn’t a proper poly relationship just a dyad decked out with human accessories?
I have a lot to say about rules and poly. I think that will have to be its own post, actually. Suffice to say that the only criterion I fit for the dubious honor of being polynormative is that I’m white, young, and really quite adorable in the right light. And while I’m not heterosexual by a long stretch, I’m a relatively palatable flavor of queer: a bisexual woman.
I want to reiterate that I’m not saying I have a problem with my current relationships. I fucking well don’t. I feel lucky every day. And I know very well that they are valid. But I still often feel like I’m screwing up poly or dating or maybe even my life because I’m not adhering to polynormativity.
The word is like five minutes old, damn it, but it’s a real fucking thing.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Thanks, Robert Frost :-)
awesome reponse with a poem, so appropriate @linworth
Anyhow, I know a few poly people who don’t do the poly-normal-whatever-thingy. When I first started researching the term, there was an article on three people who didn’t follow this. So while this is a new term, and it may be the “norm”, it doesn’t mean that it is the only way, or the only definition. The fact that you are so functional and happy is what should matter; clearly the relationships are working for you, however you decide to term it.
I’m also coming at poly from a non-partnered perspective ;)
I’ve gotten a lot of clarification/validation from the idea of SoloPoly; someone’s even started a blog based around the concept, you might check it out :)
http://solopoly.net/
@UnderTheDark Yes, I love solopoly.net! That reminds me, I really must update my links to include it one of these days.
It’s funny to me, because when I was getting into poly, the Real Poly was the nonhierarchical stuff. Webs and networks and all that, and if you were an established partner opening up, people looked at you with a bit of suspicion. Like you were unicorn hunters, or something. People were reluctant to date folks who had never had poly experience, and most people who had some relationships wanted people who also had some relationships.
I was a secondary to a married man throughout my dating years, although we did not call it that. I liked using the term for reasons that now actually I realize we’re not healthy, and mostly we were sweeties or boyiend and girlfriend or dating or something. Sometimes I struggled with feeling a guest, kinda, but it was also because I kept a clear boundary between me and his home life.
Ultimately. I was looking for a primary partner, and I did have a hard time finding people to date in the poly scene who were available for that.
I think that whether you stay a guest depends on how deeply you entwine your life with your partners. It can happen, on the order of years, where you are not married to them but you are still an integral part of their lives. You will find out if you all have a level where you all feel comfortable. Maybe you will be in a triad with one of these couples in five years. You may find that no, you need something else, and you can look for other partners. Maybe you will find a primary, maybe you will find a network of people who do not do hierarchy. These people often say that they are their own primary.