On legitimately hating my body (do not attempt)
I did not expect the air hunger to come back.
A few years ago when I was first started getting my stupid fucked-up illness I had this weird, deceptive shortness of breath. I knew I was taking air in because I made a point to draw ponderous diaphragm breaths all the way down, pushing my stomach out with each inhalation. Also, I demonstrably wasn’t dying. But it didn’t feel like my breaths were working. It felt like I was suffocating.
This is the kind of thing that seems like it would accompany a panic attack or something, but anxiety was never a factor… except, you know, the what-the-fuck-is-happening-why-am-I-not-breathing-right? thing that kept coming up somewhere in the middle of feeling like I wanted to tear my lungs out to expose them to open air directly. It’s something neurological, and it’s really disturbing. Fortunately I haven’t had to deal with this air hunger in a while. It went away for a few years as my back-stabbing body moved on to focus on other symptoms.
It came back tonight out of nowhere. While I was masturbating, actually. So here are my thoughts on this situation:
- It kind of ruined my jack-off session and I’m pissed.
- It is incredibly hard to sleep through these respiratory shenanigans.
- (a corollary to #2) It is so terribly late that it is in fact early, but not that early.
- I want to tear my lungs out and expose them to open air. Good idea?
- I’m worried that this is not going to be an isolated, aberrant setback.
- I’m so sleepy. And my hands and lips are tingly.
- I hope this doesn’t happen next time I’m sleeping over at Laramy’s. That could be super annoying for everyone.
- I had more orgasms in me, dammit.
- I would like a trade-in body that works, and preferably has a really nice ass.
- There should be ten things, since I was already up to nine.
Hmm, the hands and lips being tingly sounds like something that happened to me a few times a couple of months ago. I hadn’t had sex for a few months and when I started again, my hands and face would tingle all over and clench up. Like seriously, death grip. I figured out that it had to do with hyperventilation and if I watch my breathing now, it doesn’t happen at all.
Ugh, that air hunger sounds brutal. Good luck.
@Michele Death-grip o-faces are the new hotness… but probably not too comfortable. I sometimes forget to breathe when I have orgasms; it’s a terrible habit and I should know better from my years of vocal training. For a second I thought it was that, but then it didn’t go away. Boo.