11 Jan

Not expired

There was a day this week during which every moment I wasn’t directly focused on other people I was fantasizing about killing myself or having my head bashed in with a cudgel. The good news is that the day is not today.

It was rather frightening, though. And so unaccountably weird.

Why am I even mentioning this? It’s the simple reality of the situation, but that doesn’t mean that it’s appropriate or useful to share. I don’t think I’m writing about these increasing mental health issues because I want people to pity me or make much of me. It’s okay to need attention when you’re in crisis, but I’m not asking for any. The thought of alarming anyone with this upsets me. Even worse is the thought of eliciting an awkward “Ummm why are you telling me this?” response. Honestly, I have been dealing with this almost entirely on my own so far, and successfully1. But now that it seems to be getting so much worse, I’m forcing myself to write about it rather than keeping my head down and making jokes about dildos. Reasons:

  1. This is as much of a diary as I have. While I realize other people read it, and I do try to limit myself in certain ways because of that, if I think about that too much I won’t write anything here. This is where I tend to go to be honest about my feelings. Even and especially the unpleasant ones.
  2. When I get too secretive about my inner life– good, bad, or neutral– I always, always withdraw from the people in my life and feel isolated, which is not a productive way to manage self-destructive thoughts. I don’t expect anyone specific to read my blog, nor for anyone to react in any specific way. But at least I’m being honest at all, anywhere.
  3. What’s going on is very weird for me. I don’t understand it, or why it’s suddenly gotten so bad. I am almost certain it’s related to a bombardier-beetle-like combination of chronic illness and hormonal weirdness. It’s also gotten worse as the days have gotten shorter in my part of the world, which could a coincidence or not. Anyway, I don’t hear much about people having out-of-the-blue suicidal ideations for a huge chunk out of the month because their lady hormones are acting up. People don’t walk around saying “Hey, so I’m on my period and I suddenly want to kill myself. You know how that goes!” And that makes me feel like this is a fairly singular experience, but maybe it isn’t. Maybe someone will google “PMS suicide” or similar and find this and feel a little less alone.

I don’t have any use for problems I can’t fix, so I’ve been tackling this issue as a project. I found two months’ worth of birth control pills left over from before Laramy got his vasectomy, and they are miraculously not expired. This is not a long-term solution for moderating my hormonal issues, but it could potentially buy me some time. I also bought a sunlamp just in case winter SAD is a factor. Today is the second day I’ve used it.

I am going to make sure next month is not this bad or die trying. Er… bad choice of words. But yeah.

  1. Because look at how I’m all still alive and stuff! []
  1. aczarnowski
    January 11th, 2013 at 12:24 | #1

    Feel better!

    The whole light box thing seems odd but it’s clear my household hits something when the darkness comes. We ended up with a big ass box that the doctor proscribed. But it’s this big ass box that makes light in a way you would never normally use. What do you do with something like that? Yeah. We never used it.

    Then my wife bought one of these Philips Wake-up Lights. So worth it. Waking up to a gently intensifying light, and then very realistic bird chirping (!), is awesome.

    Feel better!

  2. z
    January 11th, 2013 at 13:03 | #2

    Are you thinking about suicide because you feel horrible and want to die, or are you having random violent fantasies about death? The specificity of the cudgel makes it seem like the latter… Stuff like that goes through my head sometimes (particularly imagining being hit by cars when I’m biking) but it seems distinct from actually wanting to die because of bad feelings (which I have experienced during periods of depression, but not for a long time). I used to have a chronic illness as well and I remember having the first kind of suicidal thoughts sometimes while I was sick. Kinda like, ugh, enough of this!” but not very serious or intentional. I didn’t feel like these thoughts were indicative of a serious problem, just evidence that illness is tiring and violence can seem like a quick fix.

    Anyway, I doubt this is helpful but I hope it helps you feel less alone! I also hope the thoughts go away and leave you in peace.

  3. z
    January 11th, 2013 at 13:16 | #3

    I just read your earlier post about hormonal problems so maybe my comment isn’t very relevant… As for cheap birth control, do you know anyone who travels to foreign countries? Birth control can be over the counter and way cheaper in other countries, and you can get some American brands or generics with the same chemical composition for like $5 a pack. If you get desperate I can mail you some from South America!

  4. eep
    January 11th, 2013 at 19:56 | #4

    hi QP :) first time posting here. just wanted to say im in scotland and its still pretty dark here. for the past couple of years i’ve had a daylight simulation bulb in the living room during the winter and dark nights and its made me feel a bit better so here’s hoping that yours does the same for you :D

  5. Jenn
    January 11th, 2013 at 23:43 | #5

    I wonder if it you may have what I have: PMDD. Pr-menstrual dysphoric disorder. Do your symptoms disappear either at the start of your period or after you finish? I have been having excellent luck with therapy and medication, this time around. But it took awhile to get there. I hope you have the opportunity to figure it out. And for the record- like the confessor on the most recent Con Tuesday, I’d be awfully upset not to get to read your posts.

  6. CptPJs
    January 12th, 2013 at 05:30 | #6

    Just to let you know, suicidal PMS is a thing I experienced for years. It’s horrible, it’s not normal, and your doctor should be able to help. I got an implant which stopped my periods entirely and that put a stop to it.

  7. kalieris
    January 12th, 2013 at 13:52 | #7

    Just coming out of one of these myself, although probably more seasonal than hormonal. You aren’t alone, and I hope you can figure out something that helps. I agree with CptPJs – if it’s at all possible to see a doctor, I hope you decide to.

  8. Jimmie
    January 12th, 2013 at 17:26 | #8

    I have suicidal thoughts when I have PMS. I have all sorts of miserable awful thoughts and feelings, actually! A nice, not very paranoia inducing variety of weed helps tremendously.

  9. Sarah
    January 12th, 2013 at 19:20 | #9

    I know that feels. It sucks, and I have horrible suicidal thoughts around my period. And… please see a doctor. I don’t want to fuss at you too much, but because I have these same feelings I am concerned for you. You do not have to just live with these symptoms. And please do not die with them. <3

  10. Miette
    January 13th, 2013 at 00:34 | #10

    I hope you feel better.

    I remind you that things were not this terrible, not very long ago, and that suggests that possibly things will be not so terrible before too much longer.

  11. January 13th, 2013 at 16:14 | #11

    Hope you feel better soon.

    I don’t like to meddle too much into people’s problems, but maybe you should talk to a doctor (says the guy who has to be dragged there under threat of dismemberment)? I can’t imagine the struggle you went through about whether to post this in the first place (I’m glad you did, though), so I’m sure the idea of talking to some stranger about what’s in your head is not a pleasant one.

    But maybe a professional will know exactly what to do in a way that some idiot at a computer (read: “the guy typing this”) does not.

    Bear in mind that I’m a total hypocrite–because, again, I can’t be dragged to a doctor and I believe we share a similar attitude regarding our respective head spaces (“It’s mine and I can fix it myself”)–and I’m only commenting for selfish reasons (What would I read on Tuesdays without you?).

    Not really. I like you, and I want you to be happy and well.

  12. Erl
    January 13th, 2013 at 23:16 | #12

    Wow, QP. My suicidal ideation has been so much better, recently (read: past few years). But it’s basically the least fun thing in the world. Thanks for being brave and sharing, even the gruesome bits. Best of luck with your lights and your pills, and try to avoid cudgels. And hey, if there’s anything we diary-elves can do to help, let us know :)

  13. Mols
    January 14th, 2013 at 17:45 | #13

    Don’t know if you’ve seen this article- but, hopefully, it will help to know that you’re not the only one!

  14. January 15th, 2013 at 09:59 | #14

    I don’t know how you walk around with those things. ;)

    Seriously, I know that I have zero place to stand to fully get what you’re going through. I will NOT offer advice, because:
    1. I am neither qualified nor at this distance informed well enough about your situation to make even the mildest suggestion.
    2. You did not ask for any advice.

    You sound like you’re making some great decisions to deal with it (Blogging it is a good one, sun lamp, checking out what happens from adjusting your hormone levels), which I’ll bet will bring things about over time (just because it didn’t work day one doesn’t mean that it won’t work).

    I guess what I’m trying to say is: you are smart, and you are loved, and you are special, and you will beat this, and when you do, the reason will be because you are smart, and you are loved, and you are special.

  15. quizzical pussy
    January 22nd, 2013 at 15:06 | #15

    I just want to acknowledge how fucking amazing you all are. Thank you thank you thank you for caring.

  16. fennec
    March 5th, 2013 at 20:04 | #16

    Just wanted to add to others – no, you are not alone in feeling suicidal totally randomly out of nowhere on your period. This was me, for almost ten years until I got on hbc and I now *stay* on it 365 days a year, and haven’t had to deal with wanting to kill myself and everyone around for a week every month. Too bad it took about five years to figure out that maybe there as a reason my self harm went into a frenzy when I was on my period. >.<

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