Munch, hodge, and podge.
I often forget I’m an extravert. Most of the time I don’t really feel like one. I’m normally not very shy, but I can be reserved at times, and I do eventually stop talking once I run out of things I can convince myself are at least the tiniest bit interesting to other people.
But my Myers-Briggs type starts with an E1, for whatever that’s worth, and I’ve noticed that being social with people I like does indeed energize me more than time alone. In fact, quite often the former can feel like a euphoric drug. Which I suppose makes me some kind of junkie… besides the orgasm kind, which we already knew about.
But, strangely enough, the E doesn’t actually stand for “Everyone love me NOW!” Orientation isn’t skill, and as it turns out, a vowel doesn’t magically make me the life of the party.
For an instance, the people I already knew who attended last week’s poly munch with me all came back with at least one or two new Fetlife friends. In my case, not so much. I’m pretty sure this means I’m doing munches wrong, or at least that E is most definitely not for “makes friends Easily”. Which again, like my continuing addiction to orgasms, we (or at least I) already knew.
But even though I had moments of feeling like I had nothing to say and no one to say it to, the people were awesome and geeky and I’ve probably seen at least half of them wandering around local Sci Fi cons over the years. We’re not friends yet, obviously, but I could see it happening. Eventually.
So that’s cool.
Going back to vowels, Laramy’s a classic I, and wasn’t in the mood to meet a score of new people, no matter how enticingly geeky they might have been. But I think he might enjoy it another time.
A digression: To overgeneralize blatantly, I can imagine downsides and upsides to every introversion/extraversion configuration: Two Es never getting lonely, but also never shutting up, or two Is becoming blissfully happy shut-ins. An I and an E probably balance each other out fairly well, but it’s important to make sure the I’s needs for time alone are respected because it’s easy for Es to overbook their partners in the process of wanting to share the fun, and the Is can get burned out very quickly that way. When really Es can be social with other people while the Is recharge. So it needs to be I before E. Except after C, which is children. Once you have children you don’t get to be alone anymore, ever. Sorry.
(digression ends)
After mentioning jealousy in my last post, I realized that I didn’t make it clear that jealousy is not something I’m particularly struggling with right now. Rather, it’s just an example of a thing I wish I had someone to talk to about. Currently, there are a lot of things like that: my curiosity about kink, navigating my first open relationship, even just figuring out how to make sure my emotional needs get met.
I’m allowed to talk to Laramy about these things, but it’s difficult for me to make the conversations productive because he and I relate to these issues so differently (and in the case of kink, Laramy is more or less just not interested). I don’t know if it’s our vowels or if it’s other letters, or if it’s just that I have a really difficult time describing my wants and needs, but things don’t seem to go well when we try to have these talks. It seems like it’s better to have myself sorted out before I broach these subjects with him, otherwise I just end up making him think he’s doing something wrong.
But sometimes I want emotional support while I process things and explore all aspects of how I feel about them. I want to feel like it’s safe to explore new things. I don’t want to worry about things getting a little messy. It’s no one’s fault, unless perhaps it’s my own, but I don’t feel like I have that. Lately I’m feeling overwhelmed and lonely and frustrated.
Obviously I don’t expect anyone to step in and fix these issues for me. It would just be nice to have someone to talk to, at some point, who could relate to what I’m feeling, not think I’m ungrateful or talking shit about my boyfriend, not blame him, not blame our non-monogamy, and maybe give me some advice. Or, like, a hug. Most of all I want someone to tell me it’s okay– normal, even– to feel things and want things and need things. Right now I want so much. I feel ravenous with it, and it’s beginning to consume me.
Oh, god! I hope it doesn’t start on my ass…
- More precisely, I’m supposedly an ENTP, for those who are curious [↩]
It’s okay–normal even–to feel things and want things and need things.
@Brock F’in Samson Hey, thank you! That is nice to hear. Read. Whatever.
You can find me on fetlife. mietteloaf. I like to talk about the kinds of things you want to talk about here.
also, wow, that is so not my image. I wonder how that happened?
“two Is becoming blissfully happy shut-ins” Hee! Meet me and my boyfriend. We really only leave the house on weekends to forage for supplies, it’s awesome :)
“But sometimes I want emotional support while I process things and explore all aspects of how I feel about them.” Even the very introverted (me, for example) sometimes just want someone to hug them and make sympathetic noises while they vent about how much their day sucked.
I before E except after C, Brilliant!
I also love the I before E, except after C. Quite clever!
I also have a partner who is not so into kink, and we are in an open relationship. With each other, except when we are with other lovers! My primary is not into the long conversations so much, and I tend to need to get my support from other sources. Since I moved to a new city to be with him, those sources are often online friends, or messaging with friends I no longer see too much.
So yes, you can want. You should want! Otherwise, life can be very dull and monotonous.
Just sending you internet hugs, I guess – I’ve struggled with a lot of these things too, and continue to, and it’s totally ok to do that. I hope you get to talk with someone(s) more about all of it.
And honestly? It’s ok not to make instant deep connections at munches. I find them useful in the sense that I see who’s out there and hear about scene gossip and make connections that get me invited to parties, but, like the real world, I won’t end up being close with that many people there. I have great and deep friendships from the kink scene, but that’s because they were people I would have been friends with anyhow, not because we were both kinky. In some ways, it was actually harder for me to find friends in the kink scene than in my regular friend group, because I’m kind of activisty and a big roomful of people who aren’t activisty and are primarily white, middle-class folks meant a lot of “So where are you from? No where are you really from?” bullshit for my Asian ass. It’s ok, is what I’m saying – enjoy it and make connections that feel good to you, at the rate that feels good to you. I know you’re doing that anyhow, but let me confirm that it’s a good way to go. :)
OMG, that first month on Fetlife is hard… everytime I logged on, it was all
“YOU HAVE… NO FRIENDS”
Jeez, no pressure, kinky social media!
“or if it’s just that I have a really difficult time describing my wants and needs, but things don’t seem to go well when we try to have these talks. It seems like it’s better to have myself sorted out before I broach these subjects with him, otherwise I just end up making him think he’s doing something wrong.”
Bingo! This exactly what I was writing about in Past the hurt just now. Because I’ve just come to the realization that what for me is processing things is accusations for Wonderboy. I know exactly how you feel. It’s hard sometimes to learn things about yourself. It’s especially hard, if the closest person to you don’t or can’t really take part in it. But I don’t think it’s Laramy’s or WB’s fault or their job, even. Similar-minded people I think are the answer.
I’m also on Fetlife and answer emails too. :)