Hungry and wretching
I’m stupid horny. I long for touch and desire and orgasms. My mind burrows again and again into a thousand dark places where lust, where friction breeds. I’m distracted, maybe even a little fixated. I want sex and sex and sex. Now, please.
So I should really be looking for rebound sex right now. Shallow, animal rebound sex with no strings attached and even fewer inhibitions.
But right now I just can’t even imagine how to start to do that.
Sure, I love sex. Sure, I have no interest in only ever fucking my One True Love (and trust me, that ship has sailed), or even only having sex with people with whom I’m planning a future of furniture shopping and timeshare family holidays. And yeah, I have a sex blog where I write about boning. I’m fairly frank about what a freak I am.
That doesn’t mean sex comes easily for me. Because I increasingly have to trust you first, and that has never come easily for me. I can love you and not trust you. I can try to trust you, my newborn trust just trying to get its legs underneath it, and something that may seem trivial– a memory from my past or a reason to doubt your honesty– can crash down on it and snap its neck. I have a graveyard full of these dead beasts.
When Laramy and I started dating, it took me a couple months to be ready to have sex. Our personalities clicked almost instantly, and his patience and willingness to go at my pace helped me relax and let myself fall for him. Eventually, I felt so safe with Laramy that it somehow extended to other sexual relationships. I could trust new people more quickly and readily since I felt like I had the foundation of a solid relationship underneath it all. I believed someone had my back no matter what.
Now I don’t really know where I am. I don’t know what my present pattern is when it comes to trust and sex. The idea of truly casual sex makes me feel even more lonely. Still, I find it hard to imagine trusting someone new in the abstract. The pain is too fresh yet, and the thought of having something solid and comfortable with someone again feels unrealistic, even though I don’t subscribe to any One True Love philosophies. Will it still seem so hard once I’m actually in the middle of discovery and sexual tension and playful banter with someone awesome? Well, probably not. It will probably be as natural as breathing.
Although I’m not a champion breather, come to think of it.
I got massively, catastrophically hurt. It has happened before, and it may happen again. But I also now know for the first time that a relationship can be, for the most part, good. It can be a positive force in my life. And I want that again. Someday, if I can get there.
But why can’t I just get laid first and not worry about any of that? Why does it all have to be so fucking wrought? I don’t feel like I’m on the rebound; I just feel deflated.
*encouragin’ words*
You’ll get back there, and you’ll have that comfort, trust and security with someone again. You are so very lovable.
This is a very clear and thoughtful examination of your situation. It does kind of suck, but at least you know WHY, and what has to change to make it better, even if you don’t know HOW to do that yet.
Before you started talking about trust, my brain was going “what she needs isn’t a rebound or random sex, she needs a true FRIEND (or friends) with benefits. Someone she can relax with.” Then you brought up the trust part and I realized that THAT is why it isn’t so simple. I trust pretty easily. I don’t know why, but that just isn’t where my weak spots are, so when I’ve been frustrated and have nobody to turn to its more about the lack of interest of my friends/not having had the right friends, not my inability to trust them. I hated my situation, but yours definitely sounds worse, because without trust you are really truly alone.
So I’d encourage you to work on that. If sex is a scary place to trust, then don’t do it with sex. Start trusting in some other realm, but try and do it, because until you can let people in more, you’re going to have a bunch of problems, not just lack of sex.
*hugs*
Just remember: you don’t have to do things “right.” You have to do the thing that’s best for you. And though you might want to be able to have casual sex right now, admire the personality that could have casual sex right now, and aspire to be the kind of person who could have casual sex right now–it doesn’t sound like that’s where you are.
Dark, brooding, writing with an accent of desire; yearning…Its beautiful in a melancholy world….;
I remember that well. It deeply sucks. I’d say for me I started noticing it tapering off about 6 months after my wife left and was no longer a big deal after about a year.
Can I suggest you pick some of the friends you feel the most comfortable with, and arrange for extra physical contact? Like, set up a regular deal to watch a DVD with your arm around a friend and hers around you, or something like that. It really does help, even though it’s not what you actually want. And trusting someone for nonsexual touch will make it easier to trust someone to touch you sexually again.
To QP’s guy friends, I’d expect this to be other women, at least for some time. Don’t be insulted.
I wish I had something helpful to say – but all I have to offer is that I sympathise.
I don’t feel like I’m on the rebound; I just feel deflated.
Sounds like that’s indeed the case.
It could be you’re not really built for casual sex, or at least casual sex without an intimate, trusting touchstone to rest on. That’d be OK if that’s the case, though it does mean satisfying some physical needs is a lot harder or something you may have to do without while you are still fragile and rebuilding yourself.
I think Andrew’s suggestion of, if possible, getting some nonsexual touch from an understanding friend is a very good one. It’s a human need.
Yes however if you go for the nonsexual touching with girlfriends, and things lead to pillow fights in panties your audience wants pics.
But seriously even though it hurts you’re going to be alright. I suspect you’re a whole lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. It’s okay to not be strong and just hurt though.
What they said. :)
Just sending good thoughts and well wishes. And hugs, if you want ‘em.