quizzical pussy

I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not a purist. I’m normally pretty okay when my food touches my other food. I tend to enjoy a cheesy or novel cover of an already good song. Entropy and the crushing power of relativity give me a deep and abiding confidence that I will never truly control anything, and this thing I see as total truth bothers me barely ever. So when I said yesterday “Hey, wouldn’t it be cool if we all bought sex toys today!?”, it was with the clear understanding that nearly anything can be a sex toy. And “buying” is just a made up thing we do with made up numbers anyway. And sex is what you think it is.

In marginally related news, am also not the purest.

It’s BAST and I’m saving up to move, so I can’t get a new sex toy today. I did, however, spend the afternoon with my magic wand. 5+ orgasms with a favorite old toy still counts as a good BAST, right?

That’s a fucking gorgeous BAST, my friend. Good luck with the saving and moving and future orgasms!

So…I just kissed my kinky, filthy, delicious wife goodbye and sat down to watch Babylon 5 and eat Kraft Dinner with our kid while ignoring how wet I am that she’s going to a nice dinner and hopefully (skeeves-out notwithstanding) fucks some guy we just met today, with whom she’s eating, utterly silly. So she can come home and we can fuck some more while she tells me what a bad girl she was and I can spank her until she cries. This is the first time, and fuck me I am incredibly nervous, but… I am so squirmy from just sending her off that I had to masturbate once already, and she hasn’t been gone half an hour ;)

I can imagine many scenarios in which Sci Fi and pre-packaged comfort food can be part of a sexual experience (one of them also involving a turtleneck sweater and Scrabble tiles, naturally), but this one is particularly awesome.

My lover bites. It’s awesome and sexy, but my skin bruises easily, so for the longest time, I’ve been struggling to hide hickeys. Fortunately, my neck seems to have developed Wolverine-like powers of regeneration. I haven’t had a hickey for months now. Thank you, smart body, for letting me have my fun without consequences!

Teeth and mutant powers? Both totally count as sex toys. Any haters who disagree can close the tab right now. Or not. It’s kind of up to them.

Whenever I start listening to Xmas music, I get REALLY into femmes and super domestic myself. Through the rest of the year, I’m pretty equally into all gender identities and expression, but come xmas, I hear those Mariah Carey songs and I think…damn, I want to snuggle with a cute femme under blankets wearing woolly sweaters and drinking hot cider, watch Love, Actually, and eat her out in a room lit with sparkly lights and scented with sugar cookies. Maybe she could be wearing adorable holiday themed panties? But definitely a woolly sweater, sweatpants, and snuggly socks.

This has become a legit fetish for me. I get really horny when xmas shopping and jerk off more that time of year than any other. Wonder if I could find someone on Craigslist to help me bring it to life?

So in this fantasy, I feel like the following things count as sex toys:

• Christmas music
• gender presentation
• blankets
• sweaters
• cider
• Romantic comedies
• sparkly lights

Baby Mithras, but you’re kinky! I like it.

I recently entered a giveaway to win a gift card to one of six online sex shops. Five of the six are fabulous, feminist, and queer. I won the gift card to the other one. I’m thrilled to have won, but I can’t find ANYTHING to buy. Their stock is awful, shitty quality…they don’t even carry good lube.

I’ve been sending the website to my friends and no one has found anything decent. I’m thinking of giving it back.

Do you have any ideas?

Readers? Anyone?

In my world, lube, batteries, and sex toy cleaning supplies never go amiss. Perhaps you can relate? I don’t know if you’re a condom-using person, but they also appear to sell the best brand of condoms I’ve ever found: One. Although it’s apparently in a ribbed style I have yet to try.

I have a best friend. Or maybe I had a best friend, since we’re in a huge fight now. I am…crazy for her. Possibly quite literally. We’ve been friends for about five years and I still act like an overwhelmed, ecstatic puppy every time the phone rings and it’s her, every time I get an e-mail and it’s from her, every time we get to spend time together.

But by the same token, it hurts so badly when we can’t. When she goes out of town and we can’t see each other on the weekend. When she decided to start taking night classes and we couldn’t hang out at night. When she has a date with her girlfriend and is busy. I try to swallow the hurt down because I know it’s inappropriate, but sometimes it’s just too much and I let it out, and she says I’m selfish and don’t want there to be anything in her life except me. It’s not true! I just…miss her. All the time. Ugh, I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what in all of this counts as a sex toy. I don’t think unrequited love is a sex toy, is it? Really, I just want to give you a hug.

Subject: male chastity device

I thought the woman that told me was lying so I googled and OMG they are for real.

I know it sounds funny, stupid maybe, but the idea of a hot woman having the key to one of those devices and making me wait and wait is so erotic.

I suppose you women think it is just plain silly huh

You’d be amazed at how much “we women” don’t have monolithic collective opinions on things. The hot woman who longs to hold the key to one of those devices while making someone wait and wait most assuredly exists.

Confess things here!

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