ConTuesday! Monogamish
Monogamy makes sense to me. I think it works beautifully for some people, and that it is absolutely a valid lifestyle choice. Monogamy as the default, not so much. I think that’s why I get a lot of confessions about the drawbacks of monogamy: it’s more or less expected in society at large, and that chafes many of us. Even if we choose to participate in monogamy, it’s hard not to rage against it a little during those little dark wank sessions of the soul.
Hey, rich premium-cable-subscribing people, did you know that Showtime is premiering a new reality show about polyamory next week? Does more exposure of polyamory and other kinds of ethical non-monogamy mean that monogamy will become less of a default as time drags pop culture along with it? Is this show going to be fascinating, embarrassing, or fascinatingly embarrassing?
I’ve some friends who clearly need a good fucking to get out of their funk. In a more perfect world, I’m *just* the person to give it to them. But the monogamous nature of my relationship means that I can’t. Bad luck for all concerned.
You could fuck your monogamous partner more often and dedicate your performance (with partner approval) to your needy friends. Sometimes it really is the thought that counts.
No, that is not the weirdest idea I’ve had today.
I think I’m poly just because I’m obsessed with sex and being monogamous gets boring… and when i’m with someone new, my primary tries so much more to impress me
Well, there you go. You’ve found your system.
I’m an FtM kinkster in the midwest
[hope that doesn't identify me 0_0 I think I might be the only one out here!]
I was in a almost successful poly relationship last year, til she lied and left me for someone who couldn’t distinguish BDSM from abuse.
I blamed myself for shying from her need to be punished so severely. Then I long distance dated a monogamous girl.I wasn’t going to lose this girl and she turned me into the Punisher. I crave sadism now. Craved it so much I was giving it to closeted bi married rednecks while I waited for an opening in her schedule just to see her again.
*picture me, genderfk that I am, glancing at the clock on the wall with wooden paddle in hand, balls deep in farmer browns ass while he is strapped face down to a wooden table with his arms tied behind him in plastic ties like we’re living in a police state and I’ve come to seize his rights.*
That’s when I realized I’d done it again.
Farmer Brown and I had the same problem: We were NOT getting what we needed emotionally b/c the other partner was unavailable or unwilling and we were STARVED.
I donn’t see it as cheating, not at all! I’m crazy about her!
I see it as a desperate act to emotionally purge/exercise. In my relationships, my partner is a leg and I am a leg. When I am without them, I’m just a stump, which is cool, I can chill… but if I wanna get anywhere I need someone to dance with.
BDSM polyamory to me is giving me a prosthetic while your hopping over here and there and yonder.
You wouldn’t tell a one legged man that he doesn’t need another leg, he can just wait for his leg to come back to him. That’s crazy talk.
Life is a buffet of awesome. So if you say you will feed me and I can’t eat without you, but you don’t feel up to cookin this month GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY, I’mma order out!
I think a lot of people would do the same in your position, and I sympathize, but I want to make the distinction between polyamory and cheating clear to everyone reading. A lot of people cheat on partners they’re crazy about. That can still be cheating, and it doesn’t magically invalidate anyone’s feelings for the person they’re cheating on. If you’re calling what you do polyamory, I think that technically means you’re disclosing what’s going on to some degree, even if it’s just “I’m not monogamous with you”.
At the same time, yeah, I have no idea what one does when in a relationship where they’re not getting adequate sex and not “allowed” to outsource it…
I was duped into a relationship with someone who claimed to be old-fashioned and thus put off the issue of actual sex. I was blinded by some very hot heavy-petting, but no actual below-the-waist activity. Turns out, this person apparently doesn’t like or want sex at all. I was deceived. Now they think they have exclusivity because we are a couple. What a joke. What a fucking liar.
…unless it involves breaking up.
I’ve slept with a lot of my friends. This is awesome to me, as I like them all very much and they were all fun in bed (except for the one who wasn’t, who got some lessons; who knew I liked teaching sexy-sex-ed?), and I hope it’s awesome to them, too. I like to imagine they brag about me to each other when I’m not around. They probably don’t, but I really hope they do.
Now I want to secretly watch while a heap of my past and current lovers talk about how I am in bed. Okay, so that would probably not happen (pretty sure there are more interesting things to talk about), and I would probably die of embarrassment if I had to watch it. But it would be fascinating.
My peruvian coworker- if I wasn’t a monogamously married woman, I’d drag him into the vault and work and bang him like a gong while he said anything at all, as long as it was in spanish.
I hope you speak enough Spanish that you could recognize the phrase “sexual harassment”. You know, just in case.
I have 3 nipples.
More options! Having two nipples is very limiting, really.
I’ve never really made out much. I started sex very early, and face time was displaced having actual sex. It’s sad, but the first girl that I had sex with, I never ever made out with. Not once. We were about 12. Years later, I made out some with girlfriends, but the scene moved VERY quickly to coitus. Now my wife cares not a lot for making out, and then only full-on, P-in-V sex, when we’ll play with each other’s tongues.
I met an old friend from high school, tonight, having a wife-approved drink at a pub. My friend has weathered VERY well. She’s cute, and hug-intensive. She paid a lot of attention to what I said, because it seemed to matter to her. I made several references to my wife, and asked about her husband. I even in passing made a clear reference to the fact that: A: I don’t cheat, and B: I never regarded my friend as a sexual partner candidate.
(B) is only partly true. I never regarded her as a candidate ONLY because of (A). But for (A), I’d be on this lady as fast as she would permit me to be. I kid myself that perhaps she would be on board.
I walked her out to her car, and realized that I really, really wanted to make out with her. Not fuck her, mind you. I just wanted to pull her face to mine, and hold it there while kissing her mouth, and maybe take that lower lip between my teeth for a second before putting my tongue to hers, gently, then harder, and then pulling back to see if she pushed toward me again. I would have hugged her while kissing her neck, then her face, and then put her into her car and walked away.
But I didn’t. I hugged her and said goodbye, and walked away with some shame and a fair bit of regret. Given that I was going to feel it anyway, I kind of wish I’d done it.
But maybe reading this now you’re glad you didn’t. Maybe.
I love my girlfriend. She loves me. We both started to have feelings for a mutual friend. Long story short, she likes us too. We had a really good talk, and we’re going to try out a triadic relationship between the three of us.
So… do you have any advice? We’re all pretty new to this. And by ”this” I mean everything. Our new partner has never been kissed. My girlfriend and I were each other’s first time. We’re all new to poly. We just love each other and want this to work. Help, we’re only 19 and advice would be So appreciated.
I have a lot of readers who are experienced with polyamory, and others who are just smart about relationships, and still others who have a fair bonny bit of common sense. I know they’re out there. I am asking these people to dispense some amazing advice for these three 19-year-olds.
Mine is just this: however much communication works for you in your monogamous dyad, you will probably need roughly nine times that much to sustain a triad. Talk about things you didn’t even realize there were words for, if possible.
You, reader? Confess something.
Advice for The Triad:
1. Keep talking to each other! The number one thing I’ve seen derail ANY relationship is lack of communication, and it’s exponentially more important if you’ve got more than one other person involved. If you want to try (or not try) something and are afraid to say it… you should probably say it. If someone has feelings or issues about what’s happening (or not happening), be willing to work through it with them, or give them space to work through it. Some successful poly folk recommend setting aside a regular time to talk about the relationship/s, to clear the air and/or just hi-five each other :)
2. Be kind to each other! A call for honest communication isn’t a license to be mean… there are ways to express yourself that aren’t harsh or accusatory. Just remember that you all care about each other, you’re all learning this together, and that someone making a mistake or having an issue doesn’t mean the end of the world.
I highly recommend reading Pagan Polyamory (even for non-Pagans, it’s The Best book on the subject I’ve ever read) and The Ethical Slut, which is a classic for many reasons.
Good luck, lovers!
Confessor #3: Good lord, your imagery made my heart wobble like an overdone amp at a dubstep festival. I wish you all the best in getting what you need, but if you’re bored, feel free to do some writing about it- I know some folks who’d eat it up!
Hey, longtime reader, first time poster. Two things in this set of ConTuesdays (which are awesome, QP, in case no one has ever told you {I’m sure they have}).
First off, I wanted to confirm and reiterate what QP said about the difference between polyamory and cheating. Polyamory, according to the highest of all authorities (Wikipedia), is “is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.” I know a few couples whose version of knowledge and consent are fairly flexible (50 mile rules, approving specific people but not specific acts, or vice-versa, or the “go do what you want to do, just don’t tell me about it” rule), but on the whole, the poly people I know, myself included, tend to insist on and enjoy honesty and openness at all times. Cheating, to my mind, goes hand in hand with lying. If you’re lying about something, whether it’s dinner, a kiss, sex, whatever, odds are good you may be cheating.
Part two is to actually reiterate what UnderTheDa said. Honesty and communication are the only things that are going to make this work. It can work, you can be happy, but as Mistress Matisse (mistressmatisse.blogspot.com) said “In a polyamorous relationship, you’ll probably have about 3 hours of talking for every 1 hour of actual relationship.” (paraphrased) So plan on lots of talking. Also, all three of you should read Mistress Matisse’s blog. I don’t know if you’re kinky or not, but it’s got some great real world advice on how to live poly in a happy functional way. Also, definite plug for The Ethical Slut, and I hear Opening Up is a pretty good book on how to go about non-monogamy in a safe, sane, and consensual fashion (if it’s good enough for kink, it’s good enough for me!)
Hope this helps the three of you, and I hope you stay happy and friends, even if the triad doesn’t work out.
Also, sorry for slipping into lecture mode. The dangers of having a B.A….
It strikes me that a lot of problems by confessors could be solved by some other confessors and commenters. If only they could get together.
A problem is how does an unsatisfied member of a dyad broach the subject of opening their relationship, without insulting the other member, and likely certainly causing irreparable damage to the relationship? If it can’t be done, but the rest of the relationship is fine, what is to be done when departure is not an option? Remain dissatisfied? Cheat and tell no one?
Dear New Poly Triple,
Wow—I am so thrilled for you three! Although you have not come to QP’s blog explicitly seeking outside affirmation or encouragement for your choice(s) to explore polyamory, I vehemently and conscientiously offer mine to you. I offer you my “blessing” straightaway as a counterbalance to the discouragement and repudiation you will very likely experience and receive from others, if you have not already. I offer all three of you my praise for you mettle to decline the only relationship orientation option offered in our dominant culture (monogamy), and to boldly blaze your own trail. Polyamory is a lot like old-fashioned American pioneering, only with less genocide (usually). Please do not spread small pox amongst or calculatingly extinguish the monogamous folk. They get kind of ornery when one of us tries to do that.
Morbid kidding aside, please take my genuine cheer and enthusiasm for what it is worth. To me, open and earnest communication in any relationship of any variety—as I do my best to provide right here and right now—is worth a whole hell of a lot! Oh, and here is some advice:
1) Talk to Your Self – Are you really ready to do this poly thing? Why? Why with these people? Why now? Challenge yourself on these crucial matters. Doing so may help you to better know and express yourself. These may very well be ongoing questions for you, and that is okay. Or, they may be no real question for you at all, and that is okay. Whatever is true for you is okay! My main point is this: if you have not already cultivated the sort of relationship with yourself where you do a lot of introspection, you probably should start now if you want to enter into a relationship with one, two, three, or however many people.
2) Talk to Your Partners – Everyone agrees that a lot of high-quality interpersonal communication is crucial. I will try not to reiterate what has been said, instead I offer these insights:
a. No one can “make” you feel anything – you have agency in all communication loops and experiences. Understanding this has helped me not to blame others for my feelings. I am always implicated as the feeler. I may not be able to change those feelings instantly, but I am just as involved as the person whose statement or action initiated the feeling.
b. No feeling or emotion can be dismissed as ridiculous or unacceptable by anyone else—again, the feeler has the agency and, in my experience, is best served by “owning” their feelings. At the same time, as a partner or just as a fellow human, we need to accept the feelings of others no matter what. Not everyone experiences the same things in the same ways. We know this, and yet too often in relationships, we try to convince each other to see things our way. Sometimes, I will acknowledge the boundaries of my partner even if they are silly to me because I want to honor their feelings. In this way, they are no longer silly. Instead, my acceptance of their feelings empowers me to show respect—for respect’s sake.
c. Do not assume what your partner means—ask them to clarify and unpack any loaded, emotional, vague, abstract, or complicated statements.
d. Actively listen—set down the smart phone, turn off the TV, and really look at each other while you communicate. Read body language for cues. If you are were not born with or socialized to have great communication skills, do a little studying and try to develop your skills.
3) Set explicit, yet amendable boundaries—Keep the dialogue open, and always ask what your partners’ expectations are. Be forward and clear about your own expectations and boundaries as well. My life-partner and I have had four formal chats about boundaries, and at least a dozen informal rap sessions where rules and expectation were modified, in two years of being poly. It works well for us to keep talking.
4) Make-out a lot – because it is fun!
5) Be in the moment together—try with all your might NOT to try at all. Just be. Do not try to manipulate situations, or to control outcomes. Accept this person and these people in this moment just as they are. For me, nothing compares to being caught up in a moment of dance, conversation, sex, or some other organic connection with one of my partners. OMG!!!
6) Read poly books like “The Ethical Slut,” “Polyamory in the 21st Century,” and “Opening Up.”
7) Visit sites like “Polyamory Weekly,” “Poly Friends All Over” on Facebook, and “Poly and Kinky” on Fetlife.
8) Meet other poly folk outside of your relationships. Building new poly friendships and communities continues to help me as a poly person.
9) Make-out some more!
10) Be boldly serene – If everyone agrees to be honest and open, nothing “bad” can happen. No matter how long I have been dating and/or partnering with someone, if they no longer want to be with me then I no longer want to be with them. Our connection is eternally consensual, and I do my best to factor-out fear about the future with serenity. Trust me. I will tell you if I want out. I trust you to do the same. No worries, lover.
With Love and Light,
–PolyAndrew
I’m the poster of the triadic relationship secret, and I just wanted to say Thank You to all the commenters who offered advice and validation. It means a lot to receive both, and I assure you that the advice will be put to good use. I particularly appreciate the push to make out from PolyAndrew.
As for you, QP, that last bit of wisdom, to talk about things you didn’t even realize there were words for, I think that’s gonna be one of my new mottos or something, ’cause it’s pretty awesome.
Thanks again everybody!
QP, you, your blog, and your commenters are AWESOME. Thank you for being you.
“But maybe reading this now you’re glad you didn’t. Maybe.”
Maybe. Maybe not.