Comments on: Asking for it

By: quizzical pussy

quizzical pussy — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 08:48:52 +0000

Thanks to everyone who commented. What happened with Reginald here does fall under my definition of rape, and I’d say so to anyone else who told me a similar story. It’s really hard to let yourself off the responsibility hook when it’s YOU, though, if that makes sense. But at the same time, I don’t want anyone who went through something similar to feel like I’m telling her she wasn’t raped by an evil asshole. I would only ever say such a thing to me, apparently!

Mab, thank you for sharing the link. It was moving and emotionally difficult to read, and I’m glad you wrote it.

By: Holly Pervocracy

Holly Pervocracy — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 04:45:14 +0000

Ugh. I’m really sorry this happened to you. I’d call it rape, yeah. I don’t buy that anyone could be stupid enough to think that a sexual fantasy means “do this without warning during a fight”, and frankly, if he WAS that stupid I don’t care. It’s like saying “I didn’t realize babies needed to eat,” at some point stupidity isn’t even an excuse.

Also, and it sounds like you’ve realized this (I hope), that “fight” was completely abusive. Sometimes it’s been hard for me to recognize these situations too, but turn it around–could you look at someone crying and apologizing over and over and just keep laying into them? I couldn’t do that to someone I HATED.

I really hope something absolutely horrible happens to him.

(Like this story getting out with his real name. I can completely understand you not wanting to associate your own real name with it, and that outing it would require you to do that and possibly lead to all sorts of headache, but it kind of infuriates me that HE gets some sort of right of confidentiality, because raping your girlfriend is a very private matter and having it public would just be so goshdarned AWKWARD for him.)

By: Mousie00

Mousie00 — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 14:43:02 +0000

I’m really sorry to hear about that. Even if it was a mistake, which I don’t buy, he was a horrible person. Some of the people I’ve known who were the best manipulators of others were also the worst at admitting their own motivations; the best at hiding from themselves. He probably manipulated you into this and convinced himself he was just following your suggestion.

By: William the Coroner

William the Coroner — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 20:36:24 +0000

I’m impressed by the fine quality of his manipulation. He managed to do a vile thing to you and take a fantasy you shared in hopes of building intimacy and hurt you twice. This is weapons-grade stuff. Making you praise him for his vile acts was icing on the cake.

Fantasy is fantasy, and reality is reality, and using what was intimate and private to hurt is really twisted.

By: Robert

Robert — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 18:45:26 +0000

I agree with LabRat. It really looks like he deliberately used something you’d said as an excuse to hurt. I can’t buy that a person could be that incapable of distinguishing the difference between fantasy and reality. You had a fantasy and shared that. You understood that there was a proper time, place, and manner for living out that fantasy. He picked the wrong place, wrong time, and the wrong manner to deliberately twist something that could have been awesome into a weapon to hurt you.

By: LabRat

LabRat — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 18:24:57 +0000

Looking from the outside I’d call it rape too, but I find the people who seem to be honestly confused about how marital rape could exist to be unfathomable and a little scary, so.

By: Brock F'in Samson

Brock F'in Samson — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 15:19:17 +0000

It may not mean anything, but I’m sorry this happened to you (and that things like it happen at all, to anyone, ever). It was brave of you to share it.

By: Mab

Mab — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 14:37:32 +0000

To me, that was rape and he knew it and that’s why he said what he did, to cover his arse after the fact. http://mabdreams.wordpress.com/2008/10/26/a-hard-scene-for-me was my more borderline experience, at least I think so – I wrote this at the time and it’s hard to look at going back. And I don’t think I’ve written about my other experience, only talked to my counsellor about it. Well done for sharing – it helps me and I assume others, to understand that other people have had these feelings.